Happy Monday!  I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. We are working our way toward New Year.  I can’t believe how fast this year has gone.  But, it’s like they say, life is like a roll of toilet paper … and they’re right, it’s definitely going by faster.

So, let’s stop wasting time and get into the fun stuff, shall we?

Please make it soon, Lord.

 

 

From our dear Sasquatch:

Keep that in mind.  We all know someone who is possibly suffering from depression, there is a HUGE difference between trying to “cheer someone up” and “comforting them.”

 

 

I’m having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by…

Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.

 

And under the category of REALLY BAD IDEA! …

IDOLIZING

A POLITICIAN

IS LIKE BELIEVING THE

STRIPPER REALLY

LIKES YOU!

The longer I live, the more convinced I am that this planet is used by other planets as a lunatic asylum.

 

 

“When the debate is lost, slander becomes the tool of the loser.”

–  Socrates

 

 

Women have only 2 problems:

1.  Nothing to wear.

2.  No room for all their clothes.

 

 

The older you get the more you realize how precious life is. You have no desire for drama, conflict, or stress. You just want good friends, a cozy home, food on the table, and people who make you happy.

 

 

Marriage is not about a beautiful wedding, fancy homes, cute kids, nice cars and white picket fences.  Marriage is hospital stays, working long hours, fighting through struggles, paying bills, and keeping the faith and staying together through it all.

And that’s it my friends.  May God Bless you and keep you until next time.

 

So, it’s the Saturday after Christmas …

…for you guys.

For me, it’s still the same day that I finished my birthday issue of issues and the Christmas issue, but I’m trying to get through the day and just keep going.

Plus…

…and this is important…

…IT’S FUN!

See, I told you it was important. 

And this is an episode FULL of important stuff, exceptional stuff, impressive stuff, influential stuff, momentous, notable, powerful stuff! (Yes, I used a thesaurus) and even more importantly, even more notable (okay, we’re not doing that again) IT’S FUNNY!

So…let’s get started and see where this thing takes us.

 

 

I’m pretty sure that’s Izzy’s baby picture.

 

“In the Nick of Time”

Through the 18th century, businessmen often kept track of debts owed (and the interest that built on loans) by carving nicks on a “tally stick.” When someone arrived to pay off their debt before the next nick was carved, they’d save that day’s worth of interest – hence, “nick of time.”

We seem to be hitting a theme here lately. Does someone reading need to hear this?

Famous story and true historically:

Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. 

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. 

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: “Where would you like to put this tree fat man?” 

And that my friends is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!

The father watched through the window as his young daughter made a snowman with a little friend. 

Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little boy say:”I’ve got an idea. To finish it off, I’ll go to the kitchen and find a carrot.” 

And his daughter replied, “Make it two. The second can be his nose.” 

 

 

This next one is from Lynn and is a much better explaination of something we talked earlier with the Wise Men… 

 

I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for answers.

Babies drink till they pass out and people think they’re cute.

I do it and everybody starts getting all judgmental and stuff.

My wife asked if she had any annoying habits and then got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

 

 

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed? 

Me: My bladder mostly.

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you enjoyed yourself.  I certainly enjoyed myself.  Until next time, may the good Lord Bless you and keep you.  My love to you all.

 

I just got this one from Aussie Pete and I like it a lot, so …

 

Looks like a female version of me.

Today is Christmas. The day we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Born to die. To die in suffering for each and every one of us, so that we would not have to.

I’ve had so many people ask me, “Why would a loving God send us to hell?” 

God doesn’t send us to hell. We have sent ourselves to hell. We are destined, from birth, to go to hell. That is the path we are on thanks to our great, great, great X whatever, mutual grandparents Adam and Eve, who started us on the path of sin.

We were born sinful, we remain sinful our whole lives. Our sin MUST be paid for with blood and sacrifice. Either our own or someone else’s.  Only the pure and sinless can go to Heaven. To be made pure, our sins must be forgiven, must be wiped clean.  Only someone sinless, someone pure, who is willing to take our punishment, who is willing to take the pain and the suffering we deserve can make it so that we don’t HAVE to go to hell.

God isn’t sending us to hell, He is giving us the opportunity to not have to go to hell. He’s giving us the opportunity to go to Heaven, to go to paradise instead. All we have to do is truly repent of our sins, accept the sacrifice that Jesus has already made for us, and do our very best to follow Jesus the rest or our lives, being the best person we know how to be.

Are we going to sin again?

Every single, solitary day. At least that’s the way it’s worked out for me.

So, what do you do?

Rinse and repeat.

This is the birth that we are celebrating today.  Let’s not forget that, in our celebrations. And now that I have tears in my eyes,…

At a girl’s college hostel, dates were permitted only on Saturday nights.

One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.

“I want to surprise her. You see, I’m her brother.”

“Oh, she’ll be surprised all right,” said the woman. “But think of how surprised I am! I’m her mother!”

 

 

You can’t give away a used mattress but somehow we’ll pay three hundred bucks a night to sleep on one at a hotel.

 

 

1860 South Carolina General Assembly votes 169-0 to secede from the United States, declaring itself an “independent commonwealth” and is quickly followed by other Southern states, triggering the American Civil War.

I bought a little bag of air today…

The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well. 

 

Signs of the times:

My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can’t help but wonder if my days around here are numbered…

Then there are those of us who are preparing for our third Christmas without our wife, our best friend, our other half and it’s no easier now than it was the first two times. Be kind to us. Be gentle with us. It’s hard as hell. It’s agony to put a smile on your face for your daughter and son and grandkids, for your friends, for your church family. Watching others laughing and playing and having a wonderful time, when inside … inside you want to be … well … anywhere else.

Maybe I shouldn’t have put that in here, but you are my family, and by writing it out, it helps me. So, as I bleed these words out onto this screen, understand that I’m entrusting to you a sacred gift: part of my heart. This is a horribly difficult time of the year for me.  I won’t go into the details. Mary went in the hospital the first time on the day after Christmas, returned on the 6th of January and passed on the 8th of January, 2022.  I achingly miss her every single solitary day. I know I will see her again and I fervently pray that Jesus returns soon to take us all home.

Now, back to the show.

 

 

When I told my doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

I’m bored…
I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, and sit in my car with the reverse lights on.

 

 

Exchange of text messages:

Husband:  You are negative!! 

Wife:  and you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all you are interested in is your own self, all your life not fulfilled even one of your promises. It is only I who is putting up with such a miser and insensitive man. You good for nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed. 

Husband:  I was just informing you that your Covid test is negative… 

Wife:  Oh……sorry!

 

 

One of my favorite pictures of all time!

 

 

 

I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me and talking back right now.

 

 

Brain at 3 am:

I can see you’re trying to sleep, so I would like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years.

 

 

For the past 20 years I’ve received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year. First, my granny dies and now this.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her Birthday.

That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her Birthday.

 

 

How about some last minute submissions…

 

 

Let me just close out this Christmas by saying … 

 

 

Thank you for all the wonderful submissions (I couldn’t do this without them), for all the support, but mostly, for the kind and uplifting words that receive from you guys in the comments and by email.  That’s what makes this all worthwhile for me. To know that my efforts and my words are touching someone, making someone smile, or think, or get uplifted in some way … then it’s all worth it.

From my family to yours, may the joy and blessings of this Christmas season, the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ be with you all today and throughout the coming year. I send this with the overwhelming love of my heart.

Impish Dragon (Bob)

 

Okay, so you may have noticed that the numbering for this one is out of order, don’t worry, you’ll get #2494 tomorrow. That’s because I’m throwing this one together as a special gift to me.  I have the time. Today is December 23, 2025 and tomorrow is a special day for me. Well … kind of a special day for me.  

Tomorrow is my birthday.  Yup, Christmas Eve baby.

It sucks.

Your birthday always gets lost in the hustle and bustle of Christmas. 

I didn’t really care.  When I was growing up it was no big deal and then it was a big deal because I asked Mary to marry me on Christmas Eve … on my birthday and consequently, she made it a big deal for me every year thereafter.

So, I’m giving myself a birthday present. I’m creating a special, regular Dragon Laffs issue that has nothing to do with Christmas, so we can all laugh together for my birthday. So …

Extraordinarily wise words! Another one of those things as a writer that goes under the category of, “Gee, I wish I had said that!”

 

 

Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to Men” and “Batteries not included.”

WOW!  Just WOW!

 

Love     That     Smell!!!

 

Yes, this is technically true, it’s not what you think. The Danish postal service, aka PostNord, is ending its traditional letter service, BUT it is being picked up by a contractor. That’s because traditional letter service has declined by 90% because most people use what seems to be a state sponsored email type thing.  Interesting, but not what the headline would have you believe.

 

 

This is actually such wonderful advice.  I’d like to give you a couple of examples that leap to mind…

Zacharias and Elisabeth prayed for a child into the old age and never had one. Then God decided, when they were well passed the age of conception to give them John the Baptist.  God’s plan.

It took over 700 years for Isaiah’s prophesy of Mary’s virgin birth to come to fruition. 

That’s just two that immediately come to mind.  Don’t get upset when things don’t go your way … If you are in tune with God, you understand that EVERYTHING is part of His plan. 

E V E R Y T H I N G

The key being, if you are in tune with God. Which means, that you are faithful and true. In other words, you do your part, He will do His.

As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: “Didn’t you get my E-mail?” 

Just got this from Aussie Pete:

 

Thank you Pete, my friend.

Holy cow! I think I might slowly be turning into a Giraffe!!!

 

 

What’s one of the dumbest beliefs you had as a kid?

When I was 4-5 I swore that bird seeds grew birds, thus the name. When my parents asked me to prove it to them, I planted a pile of bird seeds.

The next day, there were loads of birds where I planted the seeds, showing I was right.

Got it!

 

 

Want to feel old?

Bonanza premiered 66 years ago.
The Beatles split 56 years ago.
Laugh-In premiered 58 years ago.
The Wizard of Oz is 86 years old.
Elvis is dead 48 years. He’d be 90 today.
The Thriller video is 42 years old.
Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin dead 55 years.
John Lennon dead 45 years.
Mickey Mantle retired 57 years ago.
Back to the Future is 41 years old.
Saturday Night Fever is 48 years old.
The Ed Sullivan show ended 53 years ago.
The Brady Bunch premiered 56 years ago.
The triplets on My Three Sons are 56.
Tabitha from Bewitched is 61.
The Corvette turned 72 this year.
The Mustang is 61.

Yup, that one’s my cake!

 

 

The word “nun” is just the letter “n” doing a cartwheel.

And I can even do it for you…

 

 

That’s actually such a sad picture.

 

 

Self-checkout should include an employee discount.

 

 

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East”.

 

 

Yeah…so…I have almost those exact same buttons. Mine are nuclear tipped missiles though.

Instead of “HAVE A NICE DAY” I think I’ll start saying “HAVE THE DAY YOU DESERVE”, you know, let karma sort that crap out.

 

 

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll  take one look around and start cleaning.

And that’s it my friends. My birthday issue…full of issues, so it’s appropriate.  So many, many issues left out of this issue. 

But, that’s okay.

I spent the time with you, my friends and family.

My love to you all. May God bless you all.

Two issues left…today and Christmas Day. Although, I don’t imagine too many people are going to be interested in reading Dragon Laffs on Christmas Day.

I was supposed to be off work all this week, but instead, as you are reading this, I’m on my way to Wright-Patterson AFB on a PMEL run. 

What’s PMEL you say? And why does it need to run?

Well, PMEL is Precision Measurement Equipment something or other … everything from torque wrenches to radiation detection equipment that has to be calibrated every year to make sure that it works properly. We take the stuff to the laboratory (that’s probably what the L stands for in PMEL) in Ohio every other week. Three hours there, three hours back. Since my office has PMEL equipment, we have to act as drivers and as luck (bad as usual) would have it, my office has the duty 3 days before Christmas.

The challenges:

• We have to wait for them to be ready to load the van with completed stuff to come back to our base. Sometimes that takes hours.
• I have a special jail ministry that night that I will  NOT miss.
• The weather here is supposed to be fine, but between here and there … could be dicey.

Anyway, that’s what I’m doing today, hopefully, you all are having much more fun. So, all of us…

Found a quote today. Failure is only a bruise, Not a Tattoo.

I’m so TICKED OFF . I have had enough!!!! We’ll never help anyone again……EVER!! I’m too kindhearted, or I’m too stupid!!

Yesterday it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our heart. We felt so sorry for him.

Poor guy was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word…not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!!

The last straw?!?! When I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!!! That’s the thank you I get for being good to people?!?!?!

Now I’m going to warn my friends to watch out for this man!

He is heavy set, wearing nothing but a scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes made of coal, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks!!! Don’t bring him into your house!! What a huge mess he made on the floor!!!…………

The young mom was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I’m half way to the funny farm.”
 
“What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said.
 
So she bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
 
“Superb! I can’t believe it,” the young mother said.
 
“I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don’t bother me for hours!”

 

 

NO!  Don’t say that!!  Raisins are good!! Oatmeal raisin cookies are the BEST!!

 

 

Laundry:

Washing – 30 minutes
Drying – 60 minutes
Putting Away – 7 to 10 business days

 

 

I’ve opened a can of worms.

They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Me:  I think I’m ready to call it a night.

Coworker:  It’s 1030 in the morning.

 

 

Now I can’t unsee it.

 

 

How strong do you like your coffee?

I want it to show up on a drug test.

 

 

The end of another issue.

It’s such a sadly sweet thing.

But until we meet for Christmas, may the Good Lord bless you with Love and Happiness, Peace and Joy, and the comfort of His loving arms.

Be well my friends.