So, we slide from Halloween to changing our clocks. What’s the saying? Fall ahead and Spring back? Spring ahead and Fall back?
Yeah, the second one I guess… so tonight, or really tomorrow morning, early, at 0200 hrs., it becomes 0100 hrs. again. Fall back, right? I know, it makes no sense at all, but we all get an extra hour of sleep, so there’s at least a plus to it.
Additionally, I get to use the couple of Daylight Savings Time cartoons that I have, so there’s that.
So, let’s get into this.
The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live.
~Norman Cousins
In some areas…”may be”, Around here… “probably is”.
This getting old is a terrible thing.
I blacked out for twenty minutes this morning, then I realized I’d put my hoodie on backwards.
My new role model is the old lady I saw at the grocery store buying only corn dogs, Oreos, and vodka.
My wife walked in, slammed her stuff down and started ranting about everything imaginable.
Our 9-year old daughter walks in and said, “Who lit the fuse on your tampon?”
I had to step outside so I didn’t get slapped for laughing.
You sir, should have stayed inside and laughed and taken your slap in support of your daughter.
Losing power at home stinks, but it’s so exciting when it goes off at work.
LOL!
If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive…
…they would eventually find me attractive.
Do you ever think about the sketchy places you snuck off to as a teenager, lied through your teeth to your parents about, and wonder how the hell you’re not buried in a shallow grave somewhere, still clutching a bottle?
I know I do.
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I said, “On the inside or the outside?”
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says, “Both.”
It’s moments like this that has me wondering if I’m saving too much for college.
I’m pretty sure I had a good time last night…
Let me finish reading the police report and I’ll let you know.
I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.
I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.
And we come to the end of another excellent issue. I hope you got enough reminders to set your clocks back tonight and if not…well…you’ll just be early for everything tomorrow and you’ll miss out on your extra hour of sleep. And since it only happens once a year, you’ll only have yourself to blame.
So, until next time, may the Good Lord Bless you and keep you until we meet again.
Well, today is the day before Halloween and the Halloween issue should have been put out today, but website had a different idea and put it out a week ahead of time, screwing up my numbering system and my timeline and well…stuff.
But, by now, it’s all worked itself out and all is now right with the world again.
So, today is day 25 of the government shutdown, but for you reading this, if they haven’t pulled their heads out of their butts, it’s day 30. I’m tired of complaining about it and about my financial woes. So far the lights are still on and the house is still warm, there is still some food in the house so God is good.
So, let’s move on to the fun stuff, shall we?
First, a couple of catch-up Halloween cartoons…
I heard the government is putting chips inside of everyone.
I Hope I get Doritos!
The Department of Defense is officially being renamed the Department of War, but President Trump isn’t going to stop there. A long list of government agencies is set to get the same treatment.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of other departments Trump is renaming:
Social Security Administration: This will be rechristened The Charles Ponzi Memorial Retirement Plan.
Department of Justice: Changed to the far more descriptive Department of Revenge on All the Losers and Haters.
Health and Human Services: Out with the old name, in with the Department of Ribeyes and Methylene Blue.
Department of the Treasury: For the sake of transparency, this will now be called the Chinese Loan Office.
Bureau of Indian Affairs: This will be the Department of the Redskins.
Department of Agriculture: Simplified to the Department of Food and Stuff.
Housing and Urban Development: To be retitled as the Department of the Poors.
Department of Education: No new title listed. Almost as if it won’t exist at all. Weird.
Food and Drug Administration: McDonald’s.
Department of Homeland Security: From now on, to be known as the Department of the Big, Beautiful Wall.
My co-worker said to me today: You shouldn’t eat red meat!
I said: My grandfather lived to be 100 years old.
He said: Did he eat red meat?
I said: No, he minded his own business.
Congress doesn’t guarantee you a pension, health care, or 200+ paid days off a year.
Which is weird, because you guarantee Congress all of those things on your dime.
I’m not going to say who…. but a friend of mine just called and asked if I would loan her $1300 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money! He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the $1300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money anyway because we all need help at times.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life,” my boss told me. “Well it got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009,” I informed him. “Really?” he asked. “No,” I said.
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use? I for one.
I went to the hospital for a cardiac stress test. They connected me to the machines and then made me watch my wife park my new car.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. Amazing, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on it’s way to work.
Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said “Thank God for that, what are they?”
I knew I shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils from the restaurant I work at, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
I don’t think we should be making jokes about socialism unless everyone gets it.
The Institute of Incomplete Studies (ISS) has recently uncovered that 7 out of 10 people.
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like, why am I always getting all this money?
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
Where do bad rainbows go? To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses. You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “in a nut shell, it’s an oak tree”.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note,
which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
WE HAVE TRIED OUR VERY BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Well, just one more episode before Halloween and I still have a TON of memes and cartoons to get through, so I’m going to pick up the pace a little.
For me, it is day 21 of the furlough, unemployment, no pay, or whatever you want to call it. If they haven’t straightened it out by the time you guys read this, it will be day 27. This is getting absolutely dumb. I’m not sure what I’m going to do if it goes on much longer. But I do know that God knows.
The moronic “No Kings” rally, party, or whatever it was, is now over, which a lot of people have said they wanted to wait for, so we’ll see what happens this week. But, today is already Tuesday and the “experts” are already saying that nothing is going to happen this week.
Anyway, I can complain about this ALL DAY LONG. Truly I can. But, you guys don’t want to hear that. You (and I) want to laugh, so let’s get that part, shall we?
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They’re married.
Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies’ underwear.
He asked his father if he’d like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years.
The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel.
So Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach.
His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise.
When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man Blumenfeld.
He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans Souci.
Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy.
Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead. And there was papa in a bathrobe!
Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, “Papa, I’m so shocked I don’t know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!”
The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, “So, what are you getting so excited for? I don’t eat here!”
Me neither!
It’s okay to live a life others don’t understand.
There’s an awful lot of truth there!
Okay, I’m getting cold just LOOKING at those pictures!
S0unds like something that would be said today, right? Sounds like something I would say. But, keep in mind, Charles Spurgeon passed away in a couple of years ago… in fact, more than 133 years ago in 1892. This has been going on for a LONG time.
I ran for the first time with my new Fitbit on. It detected me running, and asked if my life was in danger, or if tacos were on sale for $1 again.
Gee, another theme coming up.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. He just ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing…
That is truly amazing! And truly scary!
If Adam and Eve were Native
I just hate it when Walmart doesn’t have what I need and I have to go home, change out of my pajamas and take a shower so I can go to Target.
Life Hack #42
The best way to avoid parking tickets is to remove your windshield wipers.
Follow me for more great advice.
Some of us married women like that.
The first bottle of Coca-Cola in 1894 contained cocaine. Suddenly it all makes sense …
That’s how our parents and grandparents managed to walk to and from school uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow.
Your job as a woman is to observe when your man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsense.
A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail:
“Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it.
I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity.
Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her.”
And that’s it my friends. Day 22 of unemployment for me.
I just got my pay statement in my email today and I thought, “What’s this?! Are they paying us?” So I went to the website to look and there it was, big and bold. My pay for payday:
$0.00
I have to admit. It was a bit of a shock. And scary. I have enough for this payday, but we’re already halfway through next payday and I do NOT have anything for that payday, so I have to do something. The problem is, I don’t know what that something is. I have the faith that God will take care of me.
So, until we meet again my dear friends, may our dear Heavenly Father Bless Us and Keep Us, may He Smile His Face upon Us.
Not only have the blind turnips in Washington not opened up the government like they should have by now, but they actually voted to NOT pass a bill to pay the military! Gee, let’s not pay the men and women who are there to defend us against the bad guys with guns! Okay, maybe the rest of us can be considered non-essential (although I can make a really GOOD case that some of us ARE essential to the readiness of the forces, but that’s another topic) but you start messing with our military families and and take the concentration of our men and women off of what it needs to be on and what do YOU think the results are going to be?!?!
You people are CLUELESS! Do you have any idea at all what the current world situation is right now? Do you have any idea how tenuous the situation in the world is? Do you want the men and women with their fingers on the triggers around the world to be worried about their families at home?
ARE YOU NUTS????
Republican, Democrat, Independent, I don’t care who you are, everyone of you work for US! You are our employees! Get your butts back to work! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?! You serve at the pleasure of us. You work for me and all the fine people who are reading this. Every single one of you should be fired.
Gonna go clear my head and then we’ll get to the laffs.
Rest in Peace my friend.
This next is absolutely hilarious…especially since I watched a good portion of the original…
Wow! Our trip to the Ark Encounter was OUTSTANDING! We left yesterday about 6 am. It was a 3.5 hour bus ride down there and we actually got to the Ark at about 10 after getting our tickets and such. Where we got dropped off, it was another short bus ride to the Ark, which was located on a hilltop a short ways away. I have SO MANY pictures I could share with you, that I could do an entire issue just on the Ark. I’ll just share a few here.
This is the first one that I took as we first came upon the Ark from the welcome center:
Here’s one of Izzy and I where they photoshopped us into a professionally done picture of the Ark. They took our picture when we first got there and Izzy paid to have the photos sent to her phone as well as this one put in a huge frame for me. Had I known, I would have dropped my backpack and tried to smile better…maybe straightened my hat a little. LOL!
Inside the Ark the three floors were set up the way they figure Noah had them set up … absolutely incredible place.
And on and on and on. Displays and museums and just a ton of stuff! Like I said, I could just keep going.
Izzy actually got to do an up-close and personal experience with Felix the sloth. She was OVER THE MOON!!!!
Okay, that’s enough of that. I have WAY more pictures, but you guys aren’t interested in my personal stuff.
While we were exploring God’s amazing stuff, people were doing silly things. Another “No Kings” day. But, from what I understand it was a huge flop. I’m hoping that now that they have it out of their system, we can get the government back open again so that I can get back to work and get back to getting a paycheck. I’m totally screwed if this goes on too much longer. So, come on people, everyone’s prayers need to be for these people to straighten this stuff out!
We now continue with your regularly scheduled Dragon Laffs…
Remember this picture…the highway to Heaven?
Jonathon writes to us and says …
Something always bothered me about this… and I finally spotted it!
Absolutely no traffic is going up the mountain – every vehicle (on both sides of the highway) is driving down the mountain! This should be renamed, “The Fall From Grace” instead!
Granted, this is obviously an older picture. Look at the cars! I-80 (and any highway) really doesn’t go straight up or down like this anymore.
Great eye, my friend! I like the Fall From Grace moniker.
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many American Servicemen marry women in the countries where they’re stationed.
Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing to do with it.
Once the men rotated back to the US, all their in-laws were thousands of miles away…
Teacher to a third grade student: “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”
Billy: “It depends.”
Teacher: “It depends on what?”
Billy: “It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
Sent to me by my favorite nurse. I had never seen this one before.
The Bible and the TV Guide
They lie on the table side by side The Holy Bible and the TV Guide. One is well worn and cherished with pride. Not the Bible, but the TV Guide. One is used daily to help folks decide. No, Not the Bible, but the TV Guide. As the pages are turned, what shall they see. Oh, what does it matter, turn on the TV So they open the book in which they confide. No, not the Bible, but the TV Guide. The Word of God is seldom read. Maybe a verse before they fall into bed. Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be. Not from reading the Bible, from watching TV So then back to the table side by side, Lie the Holy Bible and the TV Guide. No time for prayer, no time for the Word, The plan of Salvation is seldom heard. But forgiveness of sin, so full and free, Is found in the Bible, not on TV.
We don’t really have the TV Guide anymore but the thought is still the same. How many of us spend more time watching TV then we do in the Word of God? I’ve got NewsMax on in the background most of these days (Christian News organization) listening for news of the shutdown to be over with, but most of my days consist of at least a few hours in the Word between my lessons for FBI, my two jail ministries, and my every other weekly other ministry…in addition to my own study. And I’ll admit, that I’m not in it as much as I’d like…or should be.
The more we fill ourselves with other worldly things, the less we have room for spiritual things. Just my opinion I think…
Thank you dear friend, for passing that on. I enjoyed it.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colours….but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
The bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies.
. . Probably because they are generally the same people.
And that’s it for today my friends. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Until next time may our dear Lord Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 