I’m pretty much running right on time here. Today is Saturday and this issue should be for Monday. I’ll work on this one today and maybe get started on the next one this weekend.

Thought I was going to get to sleep in this morning. Didn’t have to take Izzy to work. Oh, she was working today and you’re thinking like I would be that, “YAY! She drove herself to work!” 

Nope! Her girlfriend drove her to work so they could go to Walmart together after work.

I know she’s trying and she drives herself on short little hops here and there. I think she is just afraid of the highway. She’ll get over it eventually. I keep pushing her (just a tiny bit) here and there and she’ll get used to it. The thing is, she’s a really good driver.

Anyway, thought I was going to get to sleep in this morning, but remembered that I had Men’s Breakfast this morning, then there will be church tomorrow morning. I get a little lie in … and extra hour maybe, if I want it, but with Izzy working and banging around and the dogs up and moving around, it’s hard to keep that relaxing sleep. So I might as well just get up.

So, nothing else interesting going on at this point. Donations still haven’t changed since Saturday’s issue…at least as of this moment.

I’d like to see a little bit more added to the total before the end of the month. We are just about there for paying the bills, no where near the totals we’ve had in the past, but that’s okay. Things are tough for a lot of us right now. Maybe by the time I’m done with this issue there’ll be an update. In the meantime, …

Now THAT is my kind of waiter!

 

I’m with the cat on this one.

 

I really HAVE to go to this place!

“I’ve created a new computer that is almost human.”
“You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?”
“No, but when it makes a mistake, it blames it on another computer.”

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him. 

“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded. 

“No, sir, but we don’t land airplanes on the roof either.”

It’s simple. Because Martha was not a politician. It’s not like Pelosi is the only one doing it.

You’re in a casino, playing Blackjack (21), and the dealer shows a ten/face card.

What medication do you hope the dealer is taking?  An ace inhibitor!

Why doesn’t that surprise me?

 

I can only imagine in some places this “meal kit” sold out rather quickly.

 

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago. 

“The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.” 

“Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked. 

The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?” 

“No,” said Bob, “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off.”

You’d think that … ahhh, never mind.  

Just another day around here.

 

A man went camping in a state park. Before leaving his car to go hiking he left a note on the dashboard saying, “The stereo is broke.”  He did this to deter thieves from breaking into his older model car.

When returning from his hike the man noticed his car window was broken and the stereo was cut from the dashboard.

A note was left by the thief saying, “We’ll fix it.”

 

Love that one. Great visual. Matthew 19:24

I don’t know why they are all democrats, I’m sure there’s a bunch of Republicans we can think of that need to be on that list, also.

Next is a classic amongst classics! Thanks to my old pal Jonathon for sending this one along!

 

That is a fantastic definition! May someone please think of me that way when they think of a Christian!

 

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

My wife asked me to remind her to get ice cream for a pie we had on the way home.
I immediately bellowed, “REMEMBERRRRRR THEEE AALLAMOOODE!!!

And I would bet good money that you also immediately got slapped.

I stayed at a little country cottage during my spring vacation; my landlady kept animals.

On the first day, one of her chickens died, so we had roast chicken for dinner.

On the second day, one of her pigs died, so we had honey baked ham for dinner.

On the third day, one of her sheep died, so we had lamb chops for dinner.

On the fourth day, her husband died, so I left before dinner.

If all your problems are behind, you…
Then you might be a school bus driver!

There are so many things that I’d like to go into, but given the opportunity and the keyboard…they elude me. I’m sure, as soon as I close this issue out, I’ll think, “darn! I wanted to talk about … ” 

So let me just end with this. Thank you all  so much for your support over the years that you have been with me. I have some things on my mind that I need to get down on paper and maybe in the near future I’ll talk to you guys about it. It’s actually quite the long story and involves my distant past that is coming back to haunt me in an unusual way. Not a bad way, just an unusual way.

Until then, and until we speak again, may our Good Lord Bless you and Keep you and Smile His Face Upon You. May Love and Happiness be filled up in your  life.

     Another new favorite header. Thanks AP.
     I’m not sure where I’m at date wise. This one is either going out tomorrow (Saturday) or Monday. I’ve had one of those crazy last couple of days. As my mom used to say, “I’ve been pulled from pillar to post.”
     I really wonder where that term comes from.
     Well, after a fast Google search it seems it dates back to medieval times when someone was punished they were tied to a post and whipped and afterward were moved to somewhere else, like the town square  and attached to a pillar where they could be viewed by the town’s folks and most probably mocked and jeered. There is some mention of a pillory instead of a pillar, which actually makes a bit more sense. This is a pillory:

     You’d be whipped on a whipping post and moved to a pillory for the remainder of your punishment in the town square.
     So, when someone, like yours truly, says they feel like they’ve been pulled from pillar to post, it makes a bit more sense and we’ve now gone WAY afield, as is our wont when all I was trying to say is that I’ve had a busy day or so doing a bit of scut work today on my day off.
     I copied fifteen copies of twenty-six lessons for our next study at the jail which I need to be ready for starting next week. That’s 390 lessons that were copied, stapleless-stapled and gotten ready to go. It for the jail, so they can’t have any regular staples in them so we staple them with stapleless-staples.
     Plus, FBI starts next week again (I’m so excited!!!!!) and since I’m now running that, there was work I had to do to get THAT ready.
     Plus some other stuff.
     Like I said, scut work.
     All that to say that I’m not sure when this episode is coming out, and I have a lesson to do this afternoon and buddy wheats, through text conversation just reminded me, I haven’t eaten a single thing all day.
     So, let’s break ground on this then I need to get my butt in gear and get things going…but first!

     We now have one full row!  Look at that!!!!! Man, I’m so proud of you guys! I can’t say that enough. Now for the roll-call!

Pop Smith, Steven H., Henry S., Michael F., Catherine B., Donald G., Stephen B., Kristine M., Leah H., Edmund R., Sammye, Kenny B., Jonathon J., Ted H., Robert B., and Kenneth R.

     Thank you all so very, very much. Just a few weeks left for the rest of you to jump in. Be part of the few, part of the proud, part of the … oh wait, that’s the Marines. You get the idea.

     You can go to the website, dragonlaffs.com, and click the donate thingy and that will take you to PayPal where you do NOT have to have a PayPal account to donate. I have a QR code that I can send you where you can donate bank to bank (supposedly it’s safe to publish here but … I don’t know … I’d rather send it to you by email if you ask for it.) through Zelle. I’ve done Zelle several times both sending and receiving, never had a hitch. Most banks use it. Or you can use snail mail. These last you can get from me by writing to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com.
     Now we can jump in and get this started…

     Okay, so yes, it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny.

     And that one is too.

     Boy, ain’t that the truth!

     I have GOT to get me one of these signs! But…thinking about it…why spoil the fun…

My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went. He said, “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”

     I’m almost 100% sure that there isn’t a court in the world that would convict a mother for beating their child into unconsciousness for that.

So, for us Americans:
The Cheetah is at 75 mph
The Sailfish is at 68 mph
The Peregrine Falcon is at an amazing 242 mph!

I so very much agree with that! I love my waffles!

Wow! How’d they do that?

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

Man…I wish I could say that.

Well…at least I don’t stab ALL of them.

You really gotta wonder about that second one.

Imagine how many disappointed men showed up for this.

At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, “Mommy! Mommy!” while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, “I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!”

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, “Excuse me, miss.”

I’m sorry, that may make me bad, but that one really cracked me up!

I was having dinner with a chess player that had just received notification that she has received the prestigious chess designation of “Master”.

Due to the checkered tablecloth, It took her two hours to pass me the ketchup.

This is my new favorite meme! Can you imagine getting this in return from “Hey, how’s it going?” I laughed SO hard!

The editor of a small country Newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS”‘.
 
Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline “HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS”.

Lasers were once a huge scientific breakthrough; now we use them to play with cats.

Computers were once a huge scientific breakthrough; now we use them to look at cats.

Conclusion: Science was made for cats.

Yup, I knew that.

Okay, this one is worth clicking and worth watching. It’s very short and it is a GREAT response to the settler vs. immigrant question. Thanks to dear Stephanie for sending this one in. Click …

Here

Works for me.

Awww, why not? You take all the fun out of everything!

Too easy.

Realizing at the last minute that it was his father’s birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.

Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, “Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I’m a father too . . .”

Nah! Nighttime is dark so you can sleep better.

“The moment where you doubt you can fly, you cease for ever being able to do it.”
– J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

There’s something very akin to faith and the Lord in there. We’re told that (and I’m paraphrasing here) with the faith the size of a mustard seed, we could move mountains. By the way, do you know how big a mustard seed is? I had to look this up for my class on the Armor of God. It is about a third the size of a grain of rice. I could go into a long “proof” for you here, but faith is a given…a truth. Meaning that we all have it, if we choose to use it. It says so in the Bible and the Bible is the inerrant Word of God, that makes it absolute truth. Which means our faith is not even the size of a mustard seed.

I know that I am going to Heaven when I die. I know that my sins are forgiven. There are many other things that I know, through faith, right? I’ve had miracles PROVEN to me, right in front of my face, so why can’t I move that mountain?

Because it’s not part of God’s plan to have that mountain moved right now? Probably. What did Jesus say to Peter when he talked about having the faith to walk on the water? He said, “keep your eyes on me.” Therein lies the answer. We must keep our eyes on Jesus.

Completely lost track of my original point, but had fun getting to where I got. So, on with the show.

When I was in college, I was really into this girl named Greta, but I was shy back then and not at all assertive. The girl and two of her friends were going to a nerdy Halloween party and decided to go as the first digits of pi (3.14).  They needed someone to be the decimal, and I volunteered thinking it would give me a chance to talk to Greta. I was really excited until I got there and realized that she was the 4, which meant there was someone between us all night. I was miserable, barely spoke to anyone, and went home alone.  Thing is, the whole reason I went to the party was that I really thought she was the one.

Not at all like the bat that woke me up flying around my bedroom at 4 am the other morning! Yeah, that’s what it’s like living in a 125 year old house sometimes. I have video…I chased him out to the living room, closed the bedroom door, and went back to bed. When I got home from work at 330 that afternoon, I tracked him down, when I knew he would be dormant, tossed his tiny butt outside and all was right with the world. Yeah, I was annoyed, but not enough to lose my last hour and a half of sleep over it.  Until next time my dear friends. Don’t forget you still have time to donate. May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

I should thank Aussie Pete more often for the headers that he sends me.  I have so many stocked up and ready to use that I may never have to make up another one on my own (unless I feel like it) again. 

This one today really speaks to my current mood.

Today is Tuesday, as I’m writing this and I took the day off, first, because I worked all weekend and I have some hours to kill.  I don’t get overtime because, as a supervisor, my OT rate is like $1 more than my regular rate, but because it’s technically OT it is taxed higher and I end up  losing money. So, when I work the weekend, I just try to take time off during the week to make my biweekly hours (80) work out right. So I worked Saturday and Sunday so I’m taking Tuesday and Friday off.

The second reason I’m taking today off is because Izzy is off and we are going to do some “chores” around the house today.

But, back to why that header is speaking to me. I’ve been feeling a little down the past few days. Working by butt off, feeling lonely, thinking about retirement, I have buddy Wheats who’s still recovering from his heart attack, one of our church members just passed away, a Christian brother that I met in Florida when my brother passed away just broke his femur and had surgery, I was asked to pick up a couple of extra classes, FBI is getting ready to start back up again and now I’m the administrator and there’s work involved with that, that I’m still learning, and I’m trying to get ahold of the prison where one of my jail guys got sent to because I mailed him a bible, followed all the rules, and they still didn’t give it to him when it arrived.

But on the other side, I needed to run to the store this morning before Izzy got up, so I jumped on the trike and had a fast ride this morning. This, of course, put a big smile on my face, lightened my mood, and made me feel like a million bucks. So, look at the picture again and you can see the two moods present at the same time and understand why that one is speaking to me this morning.

Izzy is now up, but is no where NEAR ready to start choring, so I’m with you guys for a little while longer.  I should be pretty happy.  It’s only 9:15 and it’s her day off and she’s up.  I’ll give her some grace.

In the mean time…

No wait! Let’s do this update first!

As you can see, we have more $ signs up there.  More people to thank this morning! I love you guys! You are doing such a great job! Here we go:

Henry S.   Pop Smith   Steven H.   Michael F.   Catherine B.   Donald G.   Stephen B.   Kristine M.   Leah H.   Edmund R.   Sammye C.   Kenny B.   Jonathon J.   Ted H.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  You guys are awesome!

And now…

When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since  he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.  

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he’d found inside the dryer. He didn’t know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job. 

“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”

It’s doubtful. If you look to the left, it almost looks like he already HAS a belt that doesn’t seem to be working. I’m thinking there’s no hope.

By the way, Izzy and I got our chores done for the day. Only for the day. We did not complete everything that I wanted to do. But, we did get quite a bit done…so I’m happy with that. So, I’m back with you guys.

Yeah, that’s not gonna work out well.

What’s the difference between an elephant and spaghetti?
Elephants don’t slip off the end of your fork.

And when it was real music.

Too true.

Subtle.

Karma is rough my friends.

Wow, there is so much truth in that. We’ve spoken before about false teachers and impasters.  Satan knows the Bible better than any of us and it’s not so much that he lies as much as he doesn’t quite tell the whole truth.

I can see that.  It seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it.

A German man is traveling through Poland when he’s stopped at a security checkpoint. The Polish Security Officer asks, “Where are you traveling from?”

The German man says, “Berlin.”

The Polish Security Officer asks, “Occupation?”

The German man says, “No, just visiting.”

“Yup,” says all the grandpas out there. If you don’t understand that it’s not about the wrapping paper, it’s about the contents of the package.

NICE!

Yup. Goes back to what we were talking about earlier. Impasters. And like I tell Izzy all the time, just because you call yourself a Christian that doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

He’s disappointing me more and more. The latest thing was the redistricting in Texas.  Yes, I know that the democrats do it ALL THE TIME. Ridiculously so. But, it is NOT the President’s place to suggest it or insist it upon anyone.

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”

Wow, reminds me of my neighbor. I know I’ve told you about him. Replaces his front door about once a month. Has a stack of front doors next to his garage. Yeah, that guy.

That is so cool…and so sad that they ruined it.

I think this is so cool that the entire country works to make things easier for a certain few. Now THAT’S an example of patriotism!!!

Yeah … I would be too… or maybe even arrested.

Sure…any logical person would believe that.

This was sent in by Leah D.  I liked it so much I downloaded it and added it to my collection. Oh! And I am NOT a country music fan.

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not just rattlesnakes. 

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbour man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. 

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. 

They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. 

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

Another policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog. 

The startled dog jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. 

Neighbours had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. 

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed…

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?” 

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous….”

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.” How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five!

That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 18.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

The two ‘elderly citizens’ were talking.

“I guess you’re never too old,” the one said. “I was on the university campus and this pretty little coed said she’d be interested in dating me. I just don’t understand it.”

“Well,” his friend replied, “women are more aggressive these days; they don’t mind being the first to ask.”

“No I don’t think it’s that.”

“Well, maybe you remind her of her father,” his pal ventured.

 “I don’t think it’s that, either. It’s just that she also mentioned something about Carbon 14.”

I do not believe in diets. The closest I’ve been to a diet is erasing the food searches from my browser history.

And that is that is that is that. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. Remember to donate by going to the website at dragonlaffs.com or you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can tell you of all the other ways you can donate.

In the mean time, may our dear Lord bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Wow! News and news and news!

Let’s start with this first! Since I had gotten  a little ahead with issues I got a little behind in thanking people for donations as of right now, Saturday afternoon, we’re here:

Really special thanks go out to:

Henry S.    Pop Smith    Steve H.    Michael F.  Catherine B.    Donald G.    Stephen B.    Kristine M.    Leah H.    Edmund R.

You guys are truly amazing.  Thank you.  We have a bit further to go, but we still have plenty of time. This is a fantastic start. From only ten people.  Thank you, thank you, .. 

You can donate by going to the website: dragonlaffs.com and in the upper right hand corner there is a donate button that takes you through PayPal. Or, you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can give you my snail mail address (no, I’m NOT going to publish it here … although I’d bet it’s really not that hard to find on line) or I can give you a code to Zelle … I could probably put that on here, but I’m not sure how safe that is to publish to the public…Henry, you could probably answer that for me.  Is it safe to put like that QR code on here?  Could a malicious person do something with that to get into my account? I also have Venmo, but would probably require Izzy Dragon’s help with that one.  I only ever used that once or twice.

So, there you have it.

I used to say that if everyone who read just paid to buy me a cup of coffee everything would be more than paid for … but nowadays, I’m not sure.  But then again, with the price of coffee nowadays, that’s still probably true.

Next news…

I have the trike back!  Finally! I’m back on the road again!

Okay, so eventually, I’m going to have to get someone to get a picture of me from the front. This is from the buddy of mine who took me down to Kokomo to pick it up.  If I remember correctly, this may have been the point where I was doing my sprint of 73 mph.  Hey, don’t hate. The speed limit was 60 and US 31 is becoming #autobaun and trust me, I was cruising at 67ish and was IN THE WAY.  Even 20 years ago when I was dispatching for the State Police, the unwritten rule on the highway was if you were 9 over you were fine, at 10 you could be in trouble.  The key word being “could”.

Funny story.  That evening, after I got home from work, I had to drop off a couple of workbooks to one of my ministerial partners on the other side of town, so I jumped on the trike and hooked my eyeglasses over the front of my shirt.  You know what I mean when I say that? You know, like this: 

Okay, kind of like that (unbelievable how hard it was to find a pic!), but you get what I’m saying.  Anyway, hooked my glasses, jumped on the trike, ran my errand, got home, glasses are gone.

Man, do I feel like a complete idiot.  In my defense, the shirt was a tight Tee and there really wasn’t any reason why they should have flown out.  I was in town and never really got over 30 … okay, maybe 35 … 40.  Okay, I’m beginning to see your point.

Anyway, with the Izzerts help, I found an old pair of glasses and went to the eye doctor’s office the next day to tell them that I had lost my glasses and got picked on by them for HOW I lost my glasses.  Now, this was 10:35 in the morning.  My plan was to just run out there, get things set up and run back to work.  

They said, well, you should really have an exam before we order you new glasses. I’m standing next to the eye glass counter and the doctor counter is right across from them.  I’m basically standing between these two very nice ladies who are now determined to take care of me whether I want them to or not.  The completely stop talking to me.

When was the last time he had an exam.
It was long enough ago that he can have another and be covered. (By my insurance apparently)
Lens and frames?
Yup
Who does he have?
Davis
He needs an appointment
We just had a cancellation at 10:40
Great! He’ll take it! … or … um… I think.  Bob, can you…

By this point I’m laughing out loud and said, “Sure, I can stay, especially since the two of you already have it all set up.  What choice do I have.” And the two of them looked so proud of themselves. The one lady told me that I was all checked in and to go and have a seat and I would be called back shortly.

Amazing, right? Now, the other amazing thing is that my eye insurance had actually improved. The next dear lady who helped me told me that my insurance plan had added so many bells and whistles I got the scratch resistance, glare stuff, the thing that makes the glasses go dark outside, the blue protection for computers, and a bunch of stuff I don’t even remember, all as part of my plan.  The only bad thing was that with this entire showroom FULL of frames, I was only allowed to pick off of one little spindle rack without it costing me more money, but glasses are glasses.  But this sweet lady helped me and told me which ones looked good and was very picky and told me why they looked good and made sure I didn’t pick a pair that wouldn’t work because of my trifocals and actually took the pair that we both agreed on and put them back (they were kind of gold) and grabbed another pair that were the same glasses but were a smokey color while we were on the way back to the fitting area.  She said, “Try these on for me.”

Then she looked at me and said, “Oh yeah.  I like those much better.  They suit your coloration much better than the other ones do.” And I guess I agreed with her once I tried both of them on. When I told Izzy she said, “Eww! Not gold. Not for you.”  So I guess it was a good choice.

Then, after the fitting and the lining up and all that she started filling everything out.  Now, the last time I got a whole set of glasses, with the exact same insurance, with far fewer bells and whistles, it was like $250 and this was several years ago.  Lately all I’ve been doing is updating my lenses, so I was up for about $300.  She figured it all out and sat back and said, “Wow. Your insurance has really improved. You’re getting almost a $700 pair of glasses.  Your copay is $74.”

I said, “Quick!  Where do I pay before you change your mind.”  The other problem with my insurance is that Davis takes forever to get the glasses back, so I’m figuring on around the first of September before I see my new glasses and these old ones are giving me a MONSTER headache.

So that is my long and extended opening, and before I get started on another story…

Okay, let’s do a group on a theme to get us started, shall we?

Okay, another one of these…I’ll help out again.

Which of course, is a great reply…she’d still get slapped into tomorrow, but still … nice come back.

(Thanks Steve)

My friend is a highly successful poultry farmer…
Yep, he’s a chick magnate!

My child is jaded. When I read her the above caption, “Surgery is stabbing someone to life.” Her response was, “I mean, not always.”

That is pretty cool.

Killing your father is called patricide.
Killing your mother is called matricide.
So, what is killing your friend called?
Homie-cide

What do you mean?  I do!

Yes she was! Said all of us grandpas everywhere!

And not a single one of us is surprised at ALL.

My son couldn’t sleep. So, I told him there are cows sleeping in the field outside.
He said: “What’s that go to do with anything?”
I replied: “Because it’s pasture bedtime.”

Did you know that French fries weren’t first cooked in France?
They’re actually cooked in Greece.

Living beyond your means takes twice as much money as it used to.

Mary hated the idea of surgery. So, she was very upset when the doctor informed her that she needed a tonsillectomy. Mary after much deliberation, decided to go ahead and have the procedure.

While she and the nurse were filling out an admission form, she was so nervous she couldn’t think straight or hardly speak. The nurse, being a compassionate sort, patted her hand and said, “Don’t worry. This is a simple medical procedure, and a problem that can easily be fixed.” 

“I am sure you are right. I’m being silly,” Mary said, “Please continue.”

“Good,” the nurse went on, “Now, do you have a living will?”

You Know You Are Out of College When:
– Your potted plants stay alive.
– Sleeping in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
– You have to pay your own credit card bill.

– Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
– “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
– “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

– Jeans, flannels, and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
– You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
– You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

– You go to parties that police don’t raid.
– You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
– Your car insurance goes down.

– You refer to college students as kids.
– You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
– Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”

I missed this one with the earlier theme.

Johnny paid his way through college by being a waiter in a restaurant.
“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.
“Well,” said Johnny, “this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”
“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said.
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.
“Applied psychology.”

That one doesn’t surprise me at all.

I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

So, this one was a lot of fun. I hope it was as much fun for you as it was for me. Thank you again to everyone who has donated to paying the bills for this ezine. I told you I would keep doing it until it wasn’t fun anymore or until you guys didn’t cover the expenses. We’re about half way there right now and yes, it’s still a lot of fun…but it’s also a lot of work.

Anyway, until next time, my dear friends.

I’m not sure why Aussie Pete sent me the above header, or why he’s trying to celebrate Christmas in July, but who am I to question the genius of the AP?

So, today is Sunday and this one is going out on … I don’t know … sometime in the future. Actually in August I think. So, the whole Christmas in July thing is WASTED! I’m so ashamed!

But! I’m sitting here after church. I talked to buddy Wheats, who’s recovering well from his heart attack, I’m eating the world’s greatest cookie, the oatmeal raisin, and I’m writing to you guys, so I’m pretty sure that

So, with all of that …

I sent that picture to the Whelpling and told him that I had found him a new truck…he hasn’t responded. 

I LOVE that!  I’m going to start using that. For fairy tales, stories, lies, and war stories of all kinds. “Back when tigers used to smoke, we used to…” Just awesome! And I’m old enough to get away with that!

Power to the People!

The “Ribbed for her pleasure” part is a really nice touch by somebody. That just goes out of the way to prove that it wasn’t a mistake.

So very true. Fix it and move on, my friend.

Amen! And you are QUITE WELCOME to go back to there!

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

Okay, you know this is coming, right?

1 Kings 19:12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. Learn to listen for that still small voice. Satan’s voice is a big loud voice. It’s meant to distract, confuse, and draw away your attention. The still small voice requires your thoughtful, concentrated, undivided attention…for a reason.

Humanity is losing its geniuses.
Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died…

…and I’m not feeling well today, either.

A man went skydiving for the first time. “It’s easy,” said the instructor.
“Just count to five and pull on the main chute,” the instructor continued.

“If that doesn’t open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute.”
“Super easy,” he concluded. “Then you’ll float slowly to the ground, and

our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport.”
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main chute. Nothing

happened. He pulled on the reserve chute. Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said:

“I bet that bus won’t be there to pick me up either.”

Jack: “I’m taking a weight lifting class. Every week the postal carrier brings me a new set of weights.”
Bob: “Gee, you don’t look like you’ve gained any muscle.”
Jack: “No, but you ought to see the postal carrier!”

I moved into a bungalow recently.
I was going to move into a house, but that’s another story.

Okay wait. So…if this guy had a total of ten towers, he would work a total of twenty days a year … no, let’s say he had to drive there the day before and drive home the next day so that means that he’d have to work a total of sixty days a year…the equivalent of 3 of our Monday through Friday Months. Or, if he did one a week. Drive there on Tuesday, climb the tower on Wednesday and drive home on Thursday, he would have to work twenty 3-day weeks a year and he would make $400,000 a year doing that. Or, if he really wanted to load down his schedule and do one a week … if there were that many towers around for him to do, he could do 52 3-day weeks a year for $1,040,000. I’m overwhelmed with the possibilities of this.

The Impish has been sayin’ that for a while now.

A three-year-old, WIDE EYED, little girl was on the phone, “I KID YOU NOT!

This guy in a white dress or robe tries to drown me! He puts me under water and my family just stood there taking pictures.”

Great Clock

Been there, done that.

My grandpa recently told me that my generation was too reliant on technology.
“No, grandpa, your generation is too reliant on technology,” I retorted as I unplugged him from life-support.

Has my mouth gotten me in trouble?

Yes

Has it made people angry?

Yes

Am I going to stop speaking my mind?

Not a chance!

Wife: I’m not talking to you!

Husband: Okay.

Wife: Don’t you want to know why?

Husband: No. I respect and trust your decision.

A pastor giving a children’s sermon on vestments asked, “Why do you think I wear this collar?”

One of the children answered, “Because it kills ticks and fleas up to 30 days?”

That’s it my friends. Time for dinner.  I didn’t get a chance to get an update on contributions because you guys haven’t seen the first one yet, so were still right here:

So, for the next issue we should have a NICE update. Go to PayPal by way of the website at dragonlaffs.com, or reach out to me for the other ways by writing to impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and until then,