Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Well, as you can tell … because it’s Thursday … I missed on Monday.  It was a VERY LONG weekend for me.  Ended up teaching four classes over the weekend which pretty much kicked this little blue dragon’s ass. 

Hey, I want to talk to you guys about something.

Had a reader send me a comment over the weekend.  He wanted to know how to unsubscribe because, as he put it, the blog was fun, but now there is too much political stuff.  And you know … I think he may be right.  I think I may be letting my anger and frustration bleed over into here.  I mean, what does it say right there at the top of the page?  Let’s all of us take a look, right now.

It says:  “Getting through the day, one laugh at a time.” 

And under our motto it says:  “Battling the world’s bullshit with laughter.”  (mind you, it also says “Death before dishonor; Nothing before coffee” but that’s beside the point) the point is that perhaps … just perhaps … I’ve grown a bit too serious in parts of this ezine lately.  There’s nothing wrong with a good old fashioned rant, but it seems as though that’s all I’ve been doing lately.  I haven’t told many funny stories or picked on any of you readers lately (and no, I’m not just talking about you, Stephanie).  And yes, as angry as the current situation has made me, isn’t there just so many times you can hear the same things over and over again?

So … maybe it’s time to get back to our roots.  Tell the stories and rant the rants that need telling and ranting – but then let it go …

… you know?

Or am I wrong?

What do YOU GUYS want to see?

I also got a comment from a reader over the weekend that said damned good one, so many truths, keep it up.

I live for your feedback, you guys know that, right?  As a writer, and yes, I am a writer who just really has written anything substantial for a LONG time, but I will again some day.  As I was saying… as a writer, the only real legitimacy we receive is when we get feedback from our readers.  That can be in the form of monetary payment, fan mail, or in the case of blogs and such, comments in the comments section.  It is our fulfillment.  The reason we do what we do.  So, when someone says they are unhappy, we have to step back and look. 

Now, I know I’m not going to make everyone happy every time.  Trust me, I KNOW that’s not going to happen and I am by no means trying to.  I know my voice is not for everyone.

Yes, I have a voice.

Oh for crying out loud.  Okay.  I’ll do this ONLY ONCE.  If you want a real sample of my writing click here:  https://www.epicurean.com/articles/lasagna-bob.html

Anyway, I know my voice is not for everyone, ESPECIALLY when I get on a rant, but that is really not what this ezine was designed for.  It was originally designed for two things…

#1 To make people laugh for a little bit to help them forget about the bullshit that was going on in either their personal lives or in the world around them.

#2 To get the damn addictive monkey off my back that is writing, putting words down, getting MY VOICE OUT THERE.

Yes.  It is a bloody damn addiction.  And without giving in to it a little bit every couple of days, I become like any other strung-out addict who hasn’t had his fix.  An insufferable addict who is impossible to live with.  Which is why you usually find that when I skip an issue, you guys usually get a bit longer than normal opening statement … like this one.

LOL.

Anyway …

I’ve already dribbled drabble onto this page much more than I expected to.  So … let me know what you think.  Hit the comment button.  Write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com.  Send up a carrier pigeon … no, don’t do that, I’ll probably it him before I read the note.

Anyway, let’s get this one going then.

That’s what was served at my house … every damn night. Still is.

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste.  Looking back on my exes I think I’ve been infected for years …

A Pennsylvania man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart and I’d like to formally announce my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

Seriously?  You couldn’t see that coming in either of the above situations?

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal.

Elongate would be really drawn out.

My friend is obsessed with taking selfies in the shower, but they always turn out blurry.

He has selfie steam problems.

Tonight on the “Dating Game”

When I asked the Police how the hackers got away, they responded …

“I don’t know, they Ransomware.”

Okay, so I’m going to end this here because I’m so damn frustrated I could cry. I partially recreated today’s post by using the interface that WordPress offers on line and I fucking hate it! It’s not intuitive at all, it doesn’t work half the damn time and it won’t even let me do the things that I want to do!

So, I’m going to try and work this stupid system out and see what I can come up with. I hope I’ll have an issue for you guys on Saturday. I don’t know what happened to Live Writer, but probably like most things on here that work they way they are supposed to … someone decided to change something and now they don’t work anymore.

Love and happiness to you guys.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

I have tomorrow’s issue ready to go and it won’t load. And I don’t know why. Can’t figure it out and I could just scream.

I’m so sorry

I’m going to keep working the problem but right now I’m all out of ideas.

Until I get it worked out ….

Love and happiness to you all.

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to the weekend.  Another working one for me.  More classes to teach, more GIs to work with.  More CBRN classes to work my way through.  The difference between this weekend and the many, many others is this is the one where the TRs (traditional reservists) have to decide whether they take the vaccine or … not.  And the not is … still somewhat up in the air.

So, it should be quite the interesting weekend for all concerned. 

I’ve already had a pure crappy day. 

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before or not, but me a biting bugs and stuff don’t get along.  Like at all.  You may remember me getting all kinds of really strange swelling and stuff from brushing up against some weeds in the back yard and someone said that it may have been *.  Well, mosquitos and bees are the same way.  Make a long story short, I took a rare break at work today and stepped outside to smoke a quick cigar and had a bee fly down the back of my shirt and … you guessed it, stung me on my back!  Little bastard!  And of course, it swelled right up and here it is like 7 hours later and it still hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.

And that pretty much set the pace for my whole friggin’ day.

So … if anyone needs to laugh today, it’s this poor little dragon.  So, let’s do this!

My Four Moods

1. I need coffee
2. I need a nap
3. I need a vacation
4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel

Apparently “beer” isn’t “a helpful reply” when asked for ways to improve team meetings.

Ahem … (but why martinis?)

“I know sweetheart, I’ll keep all the big mean bees away from you.”

Little bastards!

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
living. All the typical answers came up – fireman, mechanic, businessman, car salesman… and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside. “Is that
really true about your father?”
“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and helped to get Biden elected, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”

Lord’s Prayer

By a 15-year-old school kid who got an A+ for this entry (TOTALLY AWESOME)!

The Lord’s Prayer is not allowed in most U.S. Public schools any more. A kid in Minnesota wrote the following NEW School Prayer:-

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule. 
For this great nation under God,
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That’s no offense; it’s a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all. 
In silence alone we must meditate,
God’s name is prohibited by the State.

We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They’ve outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the ‘unwed daddy,’ our Senior King.
It’s ‘inappropriate’ to teach right from wrong.
We’re taught that such ‘judgments’ do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd. 

It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school’s a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

I’ve got this one on my phone and have sent it out as a text image several times to people with no explanation … just to make a point.

“Come with me if you want to live!”

“Now, that just sounds like the lamest pickup line I’ve ever …”

“Just run, dammit!”

There are far too many businesses with this exact plan.

I’m not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Secrets to Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and  boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 

Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ….

 

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.  

If you can’t eat it or play with it,

 

Piss on it and walk away.

That was from Papa Dragon most Senior (my Dad) who got it from his buddy Vito.

Thanks and love to both of them.

Stop an argument … stop a heart … one or the other.

Please congratulate me on my new position!

It’s the fetal position, I will be in it for a while.

I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and asked if they were gay?

They arrested me.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view.

But I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit.

Even the devil on my shoulder sometimes screams out, “What the hell are you doing?”

Actually, I think that’s a bit excessive myself.

And with that bit of anal humor, I think we’ll end this right here.  I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.  Please feel bad for me while I work this weekend, lol.  Love and happiness to you all.

I hope to have an issue out on Monday, but you guys know the way my weekends work out for me sometimes.

Good Morning Campers,

We’re all suffering.  And we all know who’s to blame.  Prices are going through the roof!  I just filled my gas tank and it cost me almost $50! where a year ago it was half that.  What the hell America!  Gas prices at a 7 year high!

Biden’s approval rating is in the basement and yet there are still people out there who think he is doing a good job.  Granted, fewer now than before, and yet no one is doing or saying anything.  I feel like the lone voice in the wilderness.  Even the news is saying that there is no sense of urgency to solve any of these problems.

Why the hell not?

Have we all just become blind turnips? 

Are we all just content to sit back and let the government take care of us?

Folks, this is not going to work itself out!  This is not going to go away.  It’s time for us to stand up and get pissed off. 

Texas is continuing to build the wall in some portions of the state.  I saw that today.  I was happy to see that, but that is all private projects.  Not sure how that’s going to work out.  I’m sure the feds will get pissed off about that because that will cut off their voter base.

Yes, I know I’m just ranting about random things this morning.  It’s been a weird weekend and my mind is jumping from subject to subject and I think I need some laughter to straighten me out.  So, let’s go with that for a bit and see what happens from there, shall we?

And you thought your government didn’t experiment on you?  Silly human.

“And this will all be yours one day.”

Now THAT, Aussie Pete, is worth bragging about!

“Help!  I’m trap…never mind!”

I’m always forced to do shit I’m not

qualified for.  Like being nice to

fucking idiots.

This is what it looks like underneath a breaking wave.

Our buddy Pete sent us this great letter:

I don’t much care for Halloween but, I really like Haunted Houses, oh not because they are spooky or scary or anything like that. I suppose some people get a thrill being scared and surprised and all of that but, not me. No, I like them because about 30 years ago, my wife volunteered at the Haunted House the local charity was putting on. Witches, ghosts, goblins, spooks all the blood and gore, she was really getting into it that night. Well, after it was all over, it was time for clean-up. Someone handed her a broom and……..I ain’t seen her since….

I’m trying to figure out what’s left that you’re allowed to do.

I don’t always walk the walk or even talk the talk, but if you ever need anyone to drink the drink, I’m totally there for you.

And I just thought I worked with them, I didn’t know you could buy them and ship them in!

The pollen is so bad this year that the drug dealers are trying to turn their meth back into Sudafed.

Why did the art thief’s getaway vehicle run out of fuel?

He had not Monet to buy Degas to make the  Van Gogh.

I hate it when people say “guess what your ex is doing.”

No thanks, I had to do that while we were together.

When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead.

All of the pain is felt by others.

The same thing happens when you’re stupid.

9 am Me:  I think I’ll roast a chicken for dinner, steam some asparagus, make mashed potatoes …

4:45 pm Me:  Hi, I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery.

— Dad, give me a Galaxy S5?

**What’s the magic word?

— Rachel.

**What?  Rachel?

— Your mistress

**What color shall I buy?  Do you need a case?

Short list today … which is okay, since I need to wrap up this extra long issue anyway — lol

Like I said … every single issue…the fucking bastard does too work for all of us!!

Police:  Knock Knock

Me:  Who is it?

Police:  It’s the police

Me:  What do you want?

Police:  We just wanna talk

Me:  How many of you are there?

Police:  Two

Me:  Then talk to each other

Believe it or not, I’m enough of a chef, that I actually have a set of these.

I actually teach that in one of my classes that men have less color recognition than women do.  Men are like windows default, we have like 12 colors, max and women have the 217 choices that come with the upgrades.

Not asking any questions … your wife or sister is allowed to do whatever she likes…pounding or rotary.

And with that, I’m calling it a day.

Our country is falling apart at the seams.  Really, it is. 

Today, while still being Columbus Day (although the White House hints, we don’t know for how much longer) is now also Indigenous Peoples’ Day.  Now, don’t get me wrong…everybody else has a day or a month or whatever, unless of course you’re straight and white, so why not Native Americans?  But, why the hell do you have to fuck with Columbus?  It’s like they blame him personally for all the shit that fell down on the Native population that came after him.

Holding up signs that say, “Columbus didn’t discover anything.  1,000’s of Natives were already here!”

Yeah, I get it.  Native Americans got a shitty deal.  You know what?  Human beings have been treating each other like shit since the invention of human beings!  From slavery (and I don’t just mean black Africans because just about every fucking nation on earth has had slaves at one point in time or another) to abuse to genocide to … you name it, human beings have done horrible, atrocious things to one another.  You can not name a single terrible thing in this world and there hasn’t been one group of people somewhere, sometime that hasn’t perpetrated that thing on another group of people.

So why do we keep picking these individual things out to keep apologizing for?  Why is this one now the flavor of the day.  Are we done apologizing now for slavery and moving on to how horrible the Indigenous Peoples’ were treated?  Hey, I’ve got an awful lot of coal miners in my family tree, I’d really like to know when we’re going to get around to how poorly the Pennsylvania coalminers were treated in the late 1800’s and early 1900’s.  It’d be great if my family had a day, too!  I’ve got some ideas for signs and I’d like to march somewhere, maybe burn down a CVS or something …

Do you people see how fucking stupid this all is?

HUMAN BEINGS TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE SHIT THROUGHOUT HISTORY!!!!

And so long as we keep bringing it up and celebrating it and bitching about it, it will keep happening.  We need to get the fuck over it and move on and stop it and treat each other like we want to be treated and then MAYBE this shit will stop.

Personally,  I think that Dragons have gotten a bad rap throughout history and I want to know who’s going to pay MY reparations?

Okay, so you’re 10 years old, you have a laptop, iPod, Facebook, and a blackberry …

Dude, when I was 10 I only had one thing to play with … It was called “OUTSIDE.”

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

“Wait!  I think it was one of the kids who overflowed the bathtub.”

This is what a Lenticular cloud over Mount Fuji looks like.

Latte’ (n.):  Italian for “you paid too much for that coffee”

Part One … because I have so many of them today …

YES YOU FUCKING DO!

And I’m gonna keep posting it over and over and over again until everyone realizes he DOES work for us, he’s our fucking employee and his ass needs to be fired!

And then we wonder why it takes so long to get medical help when you go to the hospital.

When I questioned one of the higher-ups of our State Health Department about this miracle, she smiled and said that yes, it was an amazing thing that people social distancing, wearing masks, and using hand sanitizer had put such a huge hurting on the flu that it was as if it almost didn’t happen last year.  I said, It’s not that the flu cases were counted as COVID cases?  She turned red and said of course not!  Uh huh.

Can you spell hypocritical twat?

And one more salvo fired in the Aussie Pete/Pete … conversation(?):

AUSSIE PETE

Well, there is only one Aussie Pete, he is enjoying the exposure. Laff on folks.

Sorry, just had to throw that one in there.

And this one from Dave really cracked me up!

Dave

Your picture reminded me of our son when he was 3 or4 years old. We were at the store and I put a pack of wooden spoons into the cart. Without any warning, about 30 seconds later, our son started crying. After a minute or two, we pulled him out of the cart and checked him over, suspecting he got pinched or cut. We finally got him settled down enough to talk. “Grammy uses one of them and I didn’t do anything this time”. We accidentally bought a whole bag of paddles.

You guys remembered the picture of the wooden spoon I threw in there for Pete and Aussie Pete, right?  That’s what Dave is referring to in case you’ve forgotten.  Thanks Dave, you cracked me up.

And an old one from Dave:

Dave

Irony:
Poli = many
Tics = blood sucking parasites
A group of baboons is called a congress.

Who the hell do you call when it goes out?  The plumber or the electrician?  And what’s that gonna cost you?

I didn’t lose my mind

The people inside my head stole it and they won’t give it back

Okay, now we’ll do part 2

For this one and the next … like I said at the beginning, what do we have to do to just stop being assholes to each other?

How many of you have to fall off the side of the cliff before you discover that you’re a lemming?

I don’t understand Stupid People.

Maybe I should take one apart to see how it works.

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you had a wonderful issue.  I sure did.  May your week be filled with fun and joy and love and happiness.