Start off with a header that goes WAY back in time. 

Gonna try to get this issue knocked out real fast because I’ll be working all weekend. Today is Thursday and I usually have FBI tonight, but we finished up the semester last week.  I’m supposed to be testing, but I have some time yet to do that and, well … quite frankly, I’m not really ready to test on the Old Testament just yet, so instead, I’ll spend the evening with you guys.

So … I’ve still got 681 Christmas items to get to before I’m through, so let’s see how many of them I can use in this issue…

↑ The US Government ↑

 

 

Go ahead and sing it, you’ll get it.

 

 

Yup.  There are those of us out there.

 

 

I won’t go to self-checkout. I found out that my local Kroger doesn’t have a real cashier come on until after 0800 and I HAD to go to the self-checkout and the very first item I scanned it errored and it called for help and someone had to come and unlock the scanner … so why couldn’t they have had THAT someone open up a register?!?!

 

 

I can tell you the true meaning of Christmas, Charlie Brown.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Gory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Luke 2:8-14 and did you know that they wanted to cut that part out of the show and Charles Shultz said that if they cut it out, then he would take away his permission for them to make the cartoon? I don’t remember if Linus goes all the way as far as I went did, I’m pretty sure he did. It’s been a while since I’ve watched it. I bet I can find it on YouTube though … hang on. 

Yup!  I was right.

 

 

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university.  I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together.  One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.  He asked me what I was doing.  I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

“So things get larger when they get hot, do they?” he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)

“Yes,” I said, “that’s why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.”

There was a long pause, then his face cleared.

“You know, I always wondered about that,” he said.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don’t want the cat shut in the house because “she” always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.” He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away.

“Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”

The cabdriver hit a parked car…

On the examination paper the Professor demanded that the students sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance.

Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The Professor carefully studied his answer and told him, “You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you.”

And grammar texts … don’t forget the grammar texts!

 

 

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.

After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.

The patient responded, “Don’t be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!”

EVER!!!!!

 

 

Wife:  You got kicked out of the Hobby Lobby shop for dipping your testicles in the glitter?!

Husband: Pretty nuts, huh?

 

 

Nope! I’m going with Bear having the right of way in all instances. Maybe…MAYBE M-1 Abrams Tank gets the right of way over the bear … maybe.

 

 

Polar bears are nearly undetectable by infrared cameras because thermal cameras detect the heat lost by a subject as infrared, but polar bears are experts at conserving heat. So they don’t give off a heat signature.

Sing it with me!

 

 

A hyperbole is, without a doubt, the single most magnificent thing that has ever happened in the world ever.

That one I got.

What do you call it when a fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune inside?

Unfortunate.

That’s if for this time. We started with 681 and we are ending with … 595.  Some I moved, some I deleted, but most I shared.

So, until next time my friends, may God bless you with Love and Happiness until next we meet again.