This is going to be an incredibly fast and possibly short issue. I have a limited amount of time, but will do the best I can.

First an update, because I MUST thank the donations! Especially since we are still in August.

Here they all are:

Pop, Steven, Chris, Michael, Catherine, Donald, Stephen, Kristine, Leah, Edmund, Sammye, Kenny, Jonathon, Ted, Robert, Kenneth, Marian, Dale, Joseph, Annmarie, Alan, and Chuck…and just now, Joseph (different Joseph)…just now.

And now it’s hours later and I’ve opened the issue back up, because I’ve just gotten another donation and not to leave anyone out, I’m going to add another one in here after hours. I know you guys are reading this at the beginning of the issue, but trust me, this part came in Waaayyyy at the end, after it was all said and done, but since it hadn’t published yet, I opened it back up and want to add one more

Scott.

There you have it. Thank you to you all. If I could draw a big parenthesis around this section I would. LOL! 

I had to go back and change this. Didn’t change the banner, I’ll do that for next time because I’m in such a hurry. Thank you all so very, very much! You guys are marvelous! We did a great job again this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you

This one actually brought a tear to my eye! What a wonderful story.

Absolutely! No questions asked. If that criminal is inside your house, then it becomes their problem, not yours.

How appropriate. Was he in someone’s house when he shouldn’t have been?

I am definitely, without a single doubt, going to give the code to my phone to someone to do this!!!!

Did you hear about the cannibal who kept getting stomach aches? He went to the ‘good witch doctor’ who couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He gave the cannibal a medicine and sent him home.  The next day the cannibal came back to the witch doctor and complained of cramps and pains. The witch doctor asked him a bunch of questions and could not figure out what was wrong. As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal if he had eaten anything strange. The cannibal replied “No.”
“Well, what are you eating?” the witch doctor asked.  “The usual,” replied the cannibal, “You know just a couple of those Missionaries every now and then.”
“Missionaries?” replied the witch doctor. “Just how do you cook them?” he asked.
“The normal way” answered the cannibal as he described the technique. “I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little seasoning, a few herbs and vegetables” he further related.  Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor, so he pressed a little further. “So, describe these missionaries to me?” he asked. “Well,” replied the cannibal, “you know the ones, they wear those brown robes, wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot-on top of their head.” “THAT’S IT!” exclaimed the witch doctor, “That’s your problem! Those are friars… not boilers!!!”

Ain’t that the truth!

Why do hamburgers always win races?
Because they’re FAST FOOD!

Yeah, gonna make one that says: Dad Joke

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied.  “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded,  “Hardly worth going home is it?”

Some will not get that one.

Today I scared the mailman by going to the door in my underwear.
I don’t know what scared him more, seeing me in my underwear or the fact that I knew where he lived.

So much truth in that, thank you Jonathon.

Little Timmy loved his dog Laddie very much; they played together every day and Laddie was always there to greet Timmy when he came home from school. 

One day, while Timmy was at school, Laddie crawled under the fence, ran out into the street, and was hit by a car and killed.

Timmy’s mother, naturally, was very distressed, not only by the matter itself but from wondering how she was going to explain this to Timmy.

As Timmy walked through the door a few moments later, his mother mustered up her courage to speak to him.  “Son, I have bad news. Laddie is dead.”

Timmy paused thoughtfully for a moment, shrugged, then said, “So, what’s for lunch, Ma? I’m starved.” 

“My, what a brave little boy you are!” his mother replies with relief.  “You’re certainly taking Laddie’s death well.”

Upon hearing this, Timmy suddenly bursts into tears, his body racking with sobs, and says, “I thought you said Daddy.”

I think I’m going to stop recommending this by saying how funny they are. I think I’m just going to do this…

Click HERE

I love this thing!

When I was at the gym yesterday, everyone kept asking me why I was always sitting still on the stationary bike.
I’m going downhill, dude, mind your own business.

You have no idea how many times I’ve printed this out on card stock and passed this out in the jail, and at my other ministries.

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. “Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

“Get this.” said Sam to his friends, “Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

“Did he get anything?” Greg asked.

Sam said, “Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs.”

Greg wondered, “Whoa! But… how???”

Sam replied, “Well, it was really late at night and Anni thought it was *me* coming home drunk!

We did it! Congratulations all around! And with 4 minutes to spare. So, until next time, may you all be blessed by our dear Father in Heaven with Peace and Prosperity, Love and Happiness, Comfort and Health until we meet again.