Okay, it has been a bad week.  Next week is going to be a worse week.  I’m finding it difficult to get stuff done due to handling problems. 

I need to laugh!  Really bad.  Can we just all agree to skip the small talk and just get to the good stuff?

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes, yet when I DO have something in my eye it’s always an eyelash.

Eyeronic

Paddy is at the airport with two sacks, one over each shoulder, when all of a sudden he gets stopped by Customs.  They search each sack and find loads of mobile phones in them.

They ask Paddy, “Why do you have so many mobile phones, Paddy?”

Paddy replies, “Well, when I was on my travels in America, I got a call from my mate Mick in Cork and he told me he was starting up a jazz band and could I bring back two saxophones.”

Please do not wear flip-flops if your feet look like you could swoop down out of the sky and snatch your dinner from a lake.

If we get enough people to do it, it will work.

I was going shopping to buy a gift for my wife and asked her for her sizes. “If it is clothes it’s small’ “If it’s diamonds, I wear Large”

HEY!  I eventually figured it out!!!

My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a blonde patient. She had a fly in her ear.
 
He suggested an old home remedy. Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes,” he said. When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid.”
 
The blonde patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked, “Into which ear should I pour the oil?”

Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women?

 

They’re always bitter.

Man 1: “Today Facebook saved my life.”
Man 2: “How?”
Man 1: “It reminded me about my wife’s birthday!”

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines.

Finally after many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'”

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he’s practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.”

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

“You fool!” he cried, “You have ruined me!”

The actor was bewildered, “What happened? Did I forget my line?” he asked.

“No, you idiot!” the director screamed, “You forgot the rose!” 

FLUKEY OR SPOOKY?
 
TWO sisters decided to pay a surprise visit to each other. As they travelled in opposite directions along a rural highway in America, their identical jeeps collided and both were killed. Is this just coincidence or are there greater forces at work, bringing us closer than we ever thought possible? A fascinating new book, Beyond Coincidence, examines this baffling phenomenon. Here CLARE MORRISROE describes the most bizarre stories of them all…
 
THE KEY
CALIFORNIAN Williard Lovell locked herself out of her house. She spent 10 minutes trying to find a way in when the postman handed her a letter from her brother. In it was the spare key he had taken back to Washington after a visit.
 
TWO LAURAS
IN June 2001, 10-year-old Laura Buxton of Burton, Staffs, was at a party where she wrote her name and address on a luggage label, attached it to a helium balloon and released it into the sky. It floated 140 miles until finally coming to rest in the garden of another 10-year-old Laura Buxton, in Pewsey, Wilts. The girls got in touch and became friends, upon which they found each had fair hair, owned a black Labrador, guinea pig and rabbit.
 
SHARED FORE-TUNES
A STRAY golf ball hit a man on a course in Stockport, Cheshire, in September 2001. Ten days later his wife was hit by a ball at the same spot…struck by the same golfer.
 
SISTERS’ GRAVE ERROR
SISTERS Doris Jean Hall and Sheila Wentworth both decided to drop in on each other for a surprise visit. As they were travelling in opposite directions on the rural American highway, Alabama 25, their identical jeeps collided and both were killed.
 
WHEELIE SPOOKY FILM star James Dean, pictured above at the wheel of his Porsche Spyder
sports car, died aged 24 in 1955 when he crashed it. The car was taken to a garage, where it fell on a mechanic, breaking his leg. The engine was sold to a doctor who put it in his racing car, crashed and died. In the same race a car using the drive shaft from Dean’s car crashed. The driver also died. When the car’s shell was put on display, the showroom burned down. When it was exhibited again in Sacramento it fell off the stand on to a visitor, breaking his hip.
 
FROZEN IN TIME
NOVELIST Anne Parrish was excited to find a copy of Jack Frost And Other Stories on a secondhand bookstall in Paris. It was her favourite book at her Colorado Springs nursery, but she’d not seen a copy since she was a child. She showed it to her husband who opened it. He found the inscription: “Anne Parrish, 209 N Weber Street, Colorado Springs”.
 
LOVER’S LEAP
AFTER finding her husband had been unfaithful, Vera Czermak, of Prague, threw herself from her third floor balcony. By chance she landed on her husband who was walking directly below. It killed him while she escaped injury.
 
TWO LITTLE BIRDIES
A GOLFER watched his perfect drive collide mid-flight with a ball hit by another player from the opposite direction. Astounded by the coincidence, both players met and introduced themselves – they were both called Kevin O’Brien.
 
STRANGERS ON THE SHORE
AS John Peskett flicked through his wife’s childhood holiday snaps, a couple in the background caught his eye – his parents. John and his wife Shirley, then strangers and both 10, had been on the same beach on holiday at Minehead in Somerset in 1963 – 11 years before they first began dating.
 
DOUBLE HITCH
WHILE hitchhiking in New Zealand in 1994 Nick Witty exchanged addresses with a man who gave him a lift. Two years later a friend got a lift from the same man while in New Zealand. He said: “Last time I picked up an Englishman was two years ago.” He pulled Nick’s address from the glove compartment.
 
DEATH TAKES HOLIDAY
IN 1946 Mildred West, an obituary writer on New York’s Alton Evening Telegraph, took a week’s holiday. During her absence, and for the first time in the newspaper’s history, there were no deaths recorded in Alton (pop 32,000). Normally they average 10 a week.
 
BRIDGE TOO FAR
RICHARD Besinger was run over and killed while walking in the middle of a bridge in California in 1957. Two years later his son Hiram was killed on the same bridge when a timber truck overturned on him. Six years after that, his 14-year-old great-grandson David Whisler was mowed down there by a car.
 
KIMONO BURNED DOWN TOKYO
A KIMONO successively owned by three teenage girls, each of whom died before they had a chance to wear it, was so unlucky it was cremated by a priest in 1657. But as it burned, a wind fanned the flames and started a blaze. The fire destroyed three-quarters of Tokyo, levelling 300 temples, 500 palaces, 9,000 shops, 61 bridges, and killing 100,000 people.
 
WRONG TRACK
IN August 1995 Lisa Potter was walking with her mother when they came to the Moots Lane railway crossing in Essex. Lisa’s father had been killed there 11 years previously and her mother refused to walk any further. Lisa decided it was time her mother overcame her superstition and tried to encourage her across. But as she stood on the crossing a train suddenly appeared and hit Lisa, killing her instantly.
 
WHERE THERE’S MUCK
BARBARA Hutton, accidentally flushed her antique bracelet down the toilet. Months later Barbara, from Woodley, Berks, was in a jewellers  when a man brought in her bracelet to be valued. He had found it while working in a sewer.
 
MY NUMBER’S UP
A MAN called Todd was at the Australian Rules football Grand Final in 1990 where spectators were tearing up pages from telephone books and tossing them into the air whenever a point was scored. A shredded strip landed on Todd’s lap. Just as he was about to brush it away he noticed he was looking at his own name, address and phone number.

My neighbor banged on my door at 3:30AM last night. Can you believe that? Luckily, I was still up, playing guitar. They shouted, “How about a little respect?”. I said, “Honestly I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but okay. This one’s for you!”

I heard you can get lawyers at Ikea now, and they’re very affordable, but you have to build your own case.

Which body part is the most reliable? Well, you can always count on your fingers.

Three years ago today my neighbor and his wife took up gardening. Today is their weeding anniversary.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? The correct answer is 3. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

My wife and I are a temperamental couple…I’ve got a temper and she’s mental.

Judge: “I order you to pay $10,000.” 
Mario: “Why?” 
Judge: “It’s a fine.” 
Mario: “No its a not!”

My dog’s name is Minton. Today he ate my shuttlecock. Bad Minton!

 I’ve just finished converting my van to electric. I swapped the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer, it wouldn’t start at first, then I realized I hadn’t shut the door properly! I then took it for a spin!

Nurses will be spending 20 minutes looking for a blood vein yet a mosquito locates it in the dark while singing.

Just found out the guy who stole my Bible and my diary passed away. My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

Your secret is safe with me, I don’t even remember my own password.

My scarecrow won an award or being outstanding in his field

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer. “I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

 I asked my date to meet me at the gym today, but she didn’t show up, and that’s when I knew we weren’t going to work out.

And that’s it my friends, we made it!  Time to put this one in the rack.  May God Bless you until we meet again…and then past that, too!