I can feel myself growing into a funk … again.

You guys are my counselor afar, so sit back and relax.  Read on or don’t, makes me no never mind.  See, it matters not if you read, ’tis the writing that matters.  The thing is, I have to have someone I’m writing TO.  If I don’t have someone in mind I’m writing to, I can’t write.  I could never keep a diary or a journal for that reason.  It can’t be an “imaginary person” or “me”.  It has to be a real audience.

And yes, I know that makes no sense.

So, for this counseling session, you are my audience.  

Robert Heinlein once implied that writing is very cathartic, all you have to do is sit down behind a typewriter and open a vein.  For me, that’s very much the case.  Pretty much every thing that I seriously write has a bit of me in it.  Every writer has a voice, some writer’s call it a style.  

No, I take that back.  Some editors call it a style, along with some writing teachers.  Most writers call it a voice.  My words going out into the world in some sort of semi-permanent form.  And I guess that’s why I have to imagine there is someone out there reading them.

Already way more on that topic then I expected to spend…

Funk…again…

Saw my doctor today.  She’s a nurse practitioner.  I like her a lot.  I won’t ever see her again.  She’s retiring and turning me over to her replacement.  But, I don’t think that’s funk-causing although I do believe it doesn’t help.  She wants to prescribe me a “companion”.  I honestly think if she was sticking around she’d try to set me up with someone from her church.  I really think she has someone in mind.

I finished up the crappy exercise at work and I’m off work from Tuesday through Sunday, because I’m out of hours.  I hit my 80 hours for 2 weeks in 8 days.  Then I’m going to take more time off in the next couple of weeks.  Probably in conjunction with our newest holiday, Juneteenth.  (Dumbest name for a holiday, EVER!)

I don’t know.

I wasn’t at church on Sunday, but I watched the replay of the sermon when I got home from work and something the pastor said really touched me, so I sent him a text message and I started to get emotional when I wrote to him.  This is what I wrote:

Pastor,
I got home from work and put on your sermon from today and I wanted to tell you that many parts touched my heart deeply.
___, I believe that I’m ready to go home right now.  I long for it with every fiber of my being.  But I know that God is going to keep me here as long as He still has work for me to do.  And as long as He still has work for me to do I’m going to do it to the best of my ability.  Because even more than JUST going home is being welcomed with, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” 
I know there are SO many places were I’ve fallen, as we all have.  But I know that I haven’t stopped trying.
Just one of the places were you hit me today, my friend.
I just wanted you to know.

And he wrote back to me and we talked for a little bit.  

It is with great anticipation I look forward to the day where my soul leaves this weary world and I find myself in the presence of my Lord and Master.  I ache to feel His abundant love wrap my being in its comfort forever.  I have such a tiny bit of that now when the Spirit blesses me with His presence, but lately I feel so alone.

Maybe I just need to find more opportunities to share God’s word, maybe I just need to spend more time in prayer with my Abba Father, maybe I need to spend more time myself in The Word.

Maybe.

I know I have felt lonely before…but lately….

Enough of the counseling session.  I have the jail tonight and I want to get a little bit of the issue started before I head out the door….so….

I’m pretty sure I know EXACTLY where this place is!

Whatever you do always give 100% 

• • Unless you’re donating blood.

“Oh, No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. 

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. 

Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. 

He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path.

He moved ahead slowly. “Danny! Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. 

He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. 

He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. 

There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. 

He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, “Danny!”

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. “Yes, Dad,” he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard. “It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and, for heaven’s sake, clean up this room.”

That’s because when we are young, we know that we are indestructible, it’s not until we are older that we worry about this temporary shell of a body getting hurt.

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

“When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them. 

Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.”

One of my favorites!

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. 

He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn’t know the make of the car he was driving. 

I asked again for a more detailed description beyond “a nice blue four-door.”

After a long pause, the driver replied, “My car is the one on fire.”

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night.

He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, “It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday.”

“There was no trouble with the liquor,” replied the bellboy, “but it’s tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday.”

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”

“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” 

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”

OK, so there are 3 guys, and they are walking down the beach, when they find an old barnacle-encrusted bottle laying on the shore. 

One of the guys, says “Hey look. It’s a bottle hehe”, and he picks it up and throws it. 

It cracks against a nearby palm tree, and a blinding flash of white light engulfs them. 

A deep voice says, “I am a Genie. I have been trapped in that bottle for over a millennium. 
You have freed me and it is all I can do to give you each 1 wish. Of anything you desire.” 

So the first guy is pretty bewildered, but he thinks (something he has not done in quite a while) and says “uhhh… I wanna be 2 times smarter yup…”

So the genie grants his wish and he becomes two times smarter, and begins to recite the multiplication tables. 

The genie turns to the other guy, who was slightly smarter than the first one, and asks him what he wants. 

The man replies, “Well, I don’t want to be stupider than HE is, so let me be 10 times smarter.”

The genie grants his wish and he suddenly is able to recite any word out of the dictionary, and can practically do anything!

The genie turns to the last guy and asks HIM what his wish is. 

The guy thinks hard for a moment, and the perfect wish comes to him.  He says proudly, “I want to be 100 times smarter than I am now.” 

The genie looks at him uncertainly, and tries to persuade him to wish for something else. 

The man gets angry, and says “MAKE ME 100 TIMES SMARTER!!!!!!” the genie sighs, and promptly turns him into a woman.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. 
 
He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”  
 
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” 
 
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”  
 
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” 
 
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.  
 
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.” 
 
God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” 
 
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?” 
 
“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.” 
 
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!” 
 
God replied wisely,  
 
“Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.”

I loved those things!!

Lynn sent this to me, just in time for Saturday’s issue.

There will be many protests across the country this Saturday the 14th. 
Go to NoKings.org to see if they’ll be near you.
There are several in Ohio, so be prepared.

So, I went to their silly-assed website (which means I’m probably on some list now and I’ll get a knock on the door from the FBI) and they have an event planned for the three cities around me.  But not for little Peru where I live.  Their website is hilarious.  NO KINGS!  NO THRONES!  Because the president is making you obey the law you think he is behaving like a king?  Please!  

Anyway, I’m curious to see how this “peaceful” demonstration turns out.  I’m curious to see how it works out in the areas near you.  Let me know if you get any turn out.  Until then …

I LOVE this picture!!

What’s the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office? If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

Therapist: What brings you in today? 
Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis. 
Therapist: How bad is it? 
Me: It comes in waves

I’ve opened a restaurant called “Peace And Quiet” – Kids meals only $150.00.

I went to the opticians this morning and said, “I think I need glasses”. She said, “I think you’re right, this is a pet shop”.

I was wondering why Waldo always wears stripes, but then I realized he wanted to avoid being spotted.

I bought coconut shampoo the other day, but when I got home I realized I don’t even own a coconut.

My friend bought me a human size catapult for my birthday. It’s not great, but it gets me out of the house.

 I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It’s giving payment where payment is due that I seem to struggle with.

Dear Coca-Cola Company. No more new flavors. Either add the cocaine back, or leave it alone.

I’ve been hiding out from exercising. That’s right, I’m in the fitness protection program.

 I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me since I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won’t reduce cavities.

 I ordered new coats for my kids…for convenience, I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section.

9 out of 10 husbands agreed that their wives are always right, and the 10th husband hasn’t been seen since the study was conducted.

Apparently it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you, you’ve gotten so big!” to children, as adults tend to get offended.

 Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain. Must be all the indoor-fins.

I wish more people realized this…about a lot of things.  PTSD is an invisible wound.  Some handicaps are not readily visible.  We need to be more understanding of our neighbors.  Something about walking a mile in their shoes, right?  Izzy has just started driving on her own and it makes her very anxious due to her autism.  She drives AT the speed limit, so you can imagine the problems that causes sometimes.  I’m looking at getting her a “new driver warning” sticker/magnet for the back of her car.

Okay, so I just did.  This is what I got her:

I figure she’ll like the cuteness and they’ll stand out on her dark blue car.  Two magnets, each of them are 4 inches tall and 10 inches long.  Should be good for her….now, onward…

Antiques have become so popular, right now there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don’t work, and are only kept around for sentimental purposes.
 
Some of these are called antiques – and the rest are called husbands.