Merry Christmas! This is it! Christmas Day! There will be no issue tomorrow, Thursday, instead this one will be dedicated entirely to Christmas…except for the parts that aren’t. I’m going to try and put as many of the remaining memes and cartoons in here as I can. And then I will see you again … when I see you.
One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven.
Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.
Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.
“Get the owner’s manual!” my daughter’s husband shouted.
“I can’t find it anywhere!” cried my daughter a short time later.
“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual’s burned to a crisp.”
A Toddlers Crede
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a crayon, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn’t stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a carseat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.
I am toddler!
There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary.
The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to make her breakfast in bed. When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed.
“Oh John, thank you so much. I didn’t expect this!”
The husband than tells her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold.
So the woman is blindfolded and the man leads her the way. Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold.
She takes it off and is totally stunned and very excited she shouts: “Oh John…. !!!! We are in Paris, aren’t we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary??!!”
“Well that’s quite simple,” John answers…… “That’s when I come to pick you up again!”
A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.
“The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore.”
“When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase ‘real neat’ for her vacations.”
“Why did (the applicant) go to college?” His reply: “To party and socialize.”
“When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket.”
“I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour-‘and not a nickel less.'”
“(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later.”
“(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1.”
“(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn’t afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn’t like jazz, modern art, or seafood.”
“She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn’t think I’d mind.”
“He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk.”
“The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company’s clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear.”
“(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn’t a people person.”
“Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn’t understand why I was upset.”
“On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume-and two people
This one is a LOT of fun!!!!
And in the same vein…
I had to throw that one in, even if it’s not Christmasy…
19 Absolutely Unhinged Amazon Product Reviews That Made Me Laugh So Hard My Abs Are Sore
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”
And if you didn’t tell him, “Yes! Absolutely!” Then you, as a grandpa, missed out on a great opportunity!
6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee.
7 Peace be within thy walls, and prosperity within thy palaces.
You know, there were very few things that upset my ex-wife.
It makes me feel rather special to have been one of them.
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. “What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?” he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. “Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?” asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: “A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.”
“Why’s that Timmy?”
“Well,” answered Timmy, “the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration…”
“And what about the deck of cards?” asked the Scout Master impatiently. “Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, “Put that red nine on top of that black ten!”
We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member,Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
I can almost not see the T-Rex’s anymore!
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no – he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the fluckin’ flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr.Miller is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)
Suspecting her husband was having an affair with the maid, a wife thought of a way to take him by surprise.
One Friday, she gave the maid the day off. That night, she went into the maid’s room, turned off all the lights, slipped into the maid’s bed and waited.
A couple of hours later, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid’s bed beside her.
After several passionate kisses, the wife suddenly sat up, switched on a light and asked, “Surprised?”
“You bet I am, ma’am,” stammered the nervous chauffeur.
When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern.
Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died.
The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed,
“Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd.”
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
Never argue with an idiot – folks might not be able to tell the difference.
When I met April, I asked her if she knew the difference between sex and a conversation.
“No.”
“Good. Lie down. I wanna talk to you.”
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”
A normally even-tempered husband sometimes becomes agitated when doing handyman jobs around the house. One afternoon he completed an especially difficult job of installing and venting a cooker hood.
The next day his son was inspecting the hood and noticed that it vented into the attic. “Why didn’t you finish the job and run the vent pipe on up through the roof?” he asked.
“I would have,” his father answered, “but I ran out of swear words.”
A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size too snug.
“Where do I go from here?” he asked the svelte young woman who was helping him.
“To the gym,” she replied.
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up.
Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, “I caught you!”
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I, instead of the tooth fairy, was putting the money under her pillow but her next words let me off the hook.
“You put that money back!” she said indignantly. “The tooth fairy left that for me!”
We all know those cute little computer symbols called smileys, where 🙂 means a smile and 😦 is a frown.
Here are a few you might now know about but come in really handy:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
(_E=mc^2_) A smart ass
Well, my dear friends, I got to the end of my list. I didn’t use all of them, but I got the important ones. Right now, I’d like to say a really big
To everyone who contributed to this issue and to those who wished me a happy birthday yesterday. It was very much appreciated.
May God Bless you and keep you, may He smile His face upon you, may He give you comfort and strength all the days of your life.
May you have a truly wonderful birthday celebration for our Lord and Savior and may I wish you a
My love to you, one and all.
Dragon Laffs 
The ‘toon of the dangling participle, reminded me how much I absolutely hated having to diagram sentences . . . another thing, like algebra, that I have never had any use for.
I was raised in the country, on a farm. We didn’t have a tv, and could only receive radio for about 8 – 10 hours a day. So isolated, when the Harlem Globetrotters visited my high school in about 1964, I had never heard of them, and certainly hadn’t seen them before.
I was at first, concerned, for they seemed to be breaking the rules. Then I forgot all about that as I got into the wonderful rhythm and extremely well performances of agility.
I don’t know why we were ever so blessed, but I sure wish I could have told them Thank You!
I left you a couple of birthday messages yesterday, Dragon. The first one just disappeared….wrote a second one and saw it among the notes on the website. I just happened to check to see if the first one popped up and noticed that the second one is now gone. What gives?
So, again, Happy Birthday!!!
I have no idea Sammye. Modern technology just seems to be a wonderful thing. Thank you for the birthday wishes. Much appreciated.