Only two Christmas issues left after this one!  And I know the header above isn’t very Christmasy, but it is SO adorable, I just had to use it.  It is from none other than our dear friend from downunder, Aussie Pete!  Thanks Pete!  I deeply appreciate all your contributions.

For that matter, now is a good time to tell you that I appreciate EVERYONE’s contributions throughout the year!  This whole endeavor would not be possible without them.  This is usually just me and my opinion on things and your contributions and how I put them together.  That’s it.

And that’s one of the reasons this is so much fun for me, too.  Because I get to look at all the fun things that you guys send to me AND I have a place to rant and rave and edit out the stuff that I think is inappropriate for our gentle audience and boy oh boy, you should see some of the stuff that I edit out!!!!  

Nah!  I’m kidding.  You guys see about 93% of what is sent to me.

So, I finished up FBI for the semester last night.  Next semester, semester #1 won’t start until sometime in January.  I’ve already taken my final on Theology (94%) and the New Testament (98%) and all I have left is the Old Testament test and I have until December 30th to finish that on time.

Anyway, what do you say we jump right into the fun stuff?  I’ve got a bunch of stuff to do today, so I’ll not have much time to work on this today, but I at least want to get started, so let’s go and …

There is so much truth in that!  Why should I give you my best, when you’re letting Joe get away with phoning it in every day?  Especially since that’s why you keep giving me all the tough jobs because you know they’ll  get done and you don’t give Joe anything!

It may take you a second…

Just another service I provide.

Some puns and one-liners from Chris.  Some old, some new, but they’re all funny!

Nurse: What happened to your fingers? 
Me: You know those chefs on TV who can cut up vegetables really fast? 
Nurse: Yes. 
Me: I can’t do that.

For my age I have a lot going for me…my eyes are going, my knees are going, my back is going.

 Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which is a shame, because he had a great fall.

Sorry about my earlier joke about oil, it was a bit crude. I’ll make sure they’re more refined in the future.

Got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.

Q: How did the farmer find his lost cow? 
A: He tractor down.

Lawyers have feelings too — allegedly.

 I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

My ex-wife still misses me…but her aim is getting better.

My job at the concrete factory gets harder and harder.

A very philosophical friend asked me, “What is Earth without art?” I just looked at him and said, “Eh?

I saw a book at the store today called “How to end 50% of your problems” I bought two copies

My co-worker says she buys a new pair of shoes whenever she’s down in the dumps…I said I always wondered where you got them.

I opened up a store selling uncaged birds. They just flew off the shelves.

So I went to a hardware store and I said: “Can I have a bag of nails please?” 
Assistant: “Yes sir – how long do you need them?” 
Me: “I want to keep them.”

This guy is really quite good!  Thanks Stephanie!

The only problem with that … they are talking about all that summer fun (which is probably fine for Aussie Pete) but I just checked, and it’s the warmest part of the day right now and it’s 24 degrees outside!!!

And then have them really wonder in a couple of days when you have to return the rental!

I don’t remember if I got this last year, the year before or how long ago it’s been, but I love it so much it’s become part of my regular rotation!  Thanks brother!

Pharmaceutical Industry, Medical Community, Politicians… we could go on and on!

103 year old Grandma?!  Not Great or even Great-Great Grandma?  That would mean that both mom and Grandma were about 51 years-old when they had each other!  Legitimately, it could be his great, great, great, great, grandma.

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, “Johnny, is there anything wrong”? 

The boy replied, “No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church”. 

The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

Johnny replied, “Yes teacher, Dad said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us”.

The greatest Christmas speech of all time…

Luke 2

⁸ And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

⁹ And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

¹⁰ And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

¹¹ For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

Unto you is born this day … Unto you… who were the angels talking to?  The shepherds in the field.  The men at work.  Not just any men, the lowest of the low.  The smelly old shepherds, out in the fields, most of them probably laying with their sheep.  So they stank pretty good.  The angels came to these guys to announce the birth of the Savior of the world!  Not to the kings.  Not to the princes.  Not to the Pharisees or Sadducees who were the “religious” leaders of the time.  Not to the rich or the powerful.

No.

The angels came to the common man.  To one of us.

Have you ever wondered why, if God can do anything, He didn’t supply a room at the Inn for His Son?  Or a room at someone’s house, somewhere?  Jesus HAD to be born in a manger.  Do you honestly think that a smelly old shepherd would be welcome at a respectable Inn?  And what would they do with their sheep?

No, it all had to work out, just like it did.  Unto us.

Thank you God for allowing me to be one of us it was unto.

 

Tina Turner worked on a farm for a while before becoming famous. She was in charge of chickens and chicken-feed and egg gathering. 

Being an intelligent, efficient woman, it wasn’t long before she was bored with her daily routine, and decided to play mental games to keep things interesting. One of these games involved ranking the hens in order of egg productivity. 

The number one hen laid two eggs a day, one in the morning and one at night, without fail. The second hen laid at least one a day, sometimes two, and the third rarely laid a second egg. 

One morning, Tina noticed that one of the hens seemed to be infatuated with her. The hen followed Tina around the barnyard making moon-eyes and ignoring her feed. Being off her feed, the hen didn’t lay. 

This caused her to drop from number 2 to number 3 in the rankings. Years later, Tina Turner had the opportunity to ask, in a song, “What’s love got to do with it? What’s love but a second hen demotion?”

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

New Hampshire Law

You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe 

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. 

“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?” 

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “you’d be his wife!”

On vacation a nine-year-old boy and his father were at the pool, where two attractive women wearing 
skimpy bikinis were sunning themselves.  

The father noticed that his son kept staring at the girls and would occasionally glance back at him.  

He was bracing himself for questions his son might have when they got up to leave. 

His son watched the girls very closely as they left, then he turned to his father and said, 

“Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?”

And the worst one of the bunch, that I would have thought I’d have never seen.  I hope it’s a prank, but was afraid to search to find out because I didn’t want that crap on my history…

That’s got to be a joke, right?  RIGHT!?!?

The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. 

This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease. 

To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision, “Attack or Retreat?” 

The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, “Yes.” 

The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, “Yes what?” 

The computer instantly replies, “Yes, sir!” 

Some Tips for the Clueless (learned the hard way) 

If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx.

If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the “OK” button.

If you want your refrigerator’s ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn’t make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

It’s okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. 

When your PC says “You have mail,” don’t go to the company mailroom and look for a package. 

If you’re in the armed services and it’s April 1st and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don’t. 

If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don’t have to specify whether it’s for a Windows or a Mac. 

New Jersey, Ocean City law

It is against the law to slurp your soup at a  restaurant.

And THAT’S a GREAT dad!

I had a bit of a rough day yesterday (Saturday).  I’m not sure if I was just overly tired because I got really lousy sleep the night before or whether depression just overtook me because of the holidays.  But today is Sunday, and I’m on my way to Church shortly.  I went to bed last night around 9 and woke up at 7 this morning, waking only once to use the bathroom, so ten hours of sleep.  My only complaint is a slight dizziness in walking and I think that is from a head cold I’m trying to get.

My point to all this is that we should give a bit of grace to the people we run into over the next two weeks…through the end of the year.  This is not a good time for many of us.  You guys know me.  I’m really quite comfortable by myself and even I am having a tough time this year, especially with loneliness.  Think of all the people who aren’t comfortable being alone.

I have a dear friend who is away from home for 4 months right now.  He gets to come home for two weeks over Christmas and then has to go back and finish up his schooling.  4 months!  And it’s almost killing him.  But he’s never been in the military or anything.  To us military guys 4 months is nothing.  We could do that standing on our heads.  But, I have to have sympathy for him because everyone is different and to someone who is not used to it, 4 months is a LONG time.

The people who work in retail are going crazy right now.  It’s the worst time of year for them.  Oh, not the owners of the stores!  They are loving it.  But, the workers.  If you’ve ever worked retail, you know what I mean.  Everyone’s on edge and it’s supposed to be the happiest time of year.  Give them some grace, too.

Why is it the happiest time of year? 

Because unto us …

God gave us the greatest Christmas gift anyone could ever imagine!  The best.

May you be Blessed with comfort and strength, joy and happiness until we can speak again my friends.  With love.