So, the videos worked.

That’s nice.

I appreciate all the people who wrote and gave me feedback and told me that they worked.  Thanks…

That was sarcasm…

Nobody wrote and told me.

In fact, no one has written and told me anything in quite a while.

You guys are getting sick and tired of me bitchin’ about stuff.  I don’t blame you.  I’m gettin’ sick and tired of me bitchin’ about stuff, too. 

So, I’m going to give you guys some good news.  Then I’m going to move on to the fun stuff.  And I guess when I get tired of enough of doing this in a vacuum I’ll quit.

I took my Theology final for this semester.  For FBI (Faith Bible Institute).  It was the first final test I had taken for them, so I was a little scared, not knowing what to expect.  You get half your points from doing your homework on time and showing up for class every week and the other half comes from the three semester tests each semester.  You get one on theology, one on the old testament and one on the new testament.  So, I got all the homework and attendance points.  The test was 50 questions and you had 55 minutes to complete it.  I missed 3, so that’s a 94% or an A.  A solid A.  Next week I take the New Testament test and then two weeks after that, the Old Testament test.  If I fail any one of them in the three years, I immediately get dropped out.  It’s a pretty tough course.  I’m having a blast!!!

Now…

Ouch!  Coming home from class last night in the dark, I travel the back roads and cross over the Mississinewa Damn and there must’ve been 30 deer I saw.  In the road, beside the road…and they all gave me dirty looks as I went by.  Like they were saying, “Look pal.  Didn’t you see the state forest sign back there?  Don’t you know what that means?  That means this is OUR land.  Yeah, that’s right!  Keep driving, pal.  You don’t want to be stopping ’round here!”

Okay, these next people be NUTS!  Thanks to Stephanie for sharing

Nope, I’m 100% sure I would have the exact same stupid idea in my head as well.

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. 

The man and nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wife and 13 children. 

“My, my,” said the nun, “13 children….you’re a good, proper Catholic family. The Lord is very proud of you!” 

“I’m sorry, Sister,” he said, “I am not Catholic. I’m Jewish.” 

“Jewish!?” she replies. “Hmmm….you’re a sex maniac, aren’t you?”

I’m sorry, but this cracked me up!

Okay, so some of these are old, but some are very clever and most are quite funny.  If you put that all together, they are perfect for us.

THOUGHTS FOR A DAY….. 


1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 

2. There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt. 

3. When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 

4. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 

6. A penny saved is a government oversight. 

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. 

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

10. He who hesitates is probably right. 

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

13. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble. 

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “THEIRS”? 

He is so cute!

And ladies…you ever want to know what it’s like to be a man?  Let me let these three bulls demonstrate for you…

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. 

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.” 

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.” 

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.” 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.” 

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.” 

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. 

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.” 

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

And that’s everything you will ever need to know about “men” rolled up in one nice neat little joke.

I so wish that was a video.  I’d really like to see that bubble explode.

This one so made me angry.  If I read the headline correctly, SHE hit Him.  He looks at least a little injured.  And now she wants to sue him or presumably his parents for scratching her car.  Now, I don’t know if that’s the way it happened or not, but that sounds a bit entitled to me.

This next one is way too funny…and not really surprising at all.

Stuck in traffic in the USA for what felt like eons,I couldn’t help but notice the licence plate on the car in front of me. It read; BAA BAA.

I was clueless until I looked at the vehicle the plate was attached to it was a: Black Jeep

Especially with picture proof.  I’d have to give him a pass on that one.

I have no idea how they do it.  My dogs just made me jump out of my skin.  They bark at the mailman every day.  Now, I live on a fairly busy major road and the mail comes usually in the early afternoon when traffic is pretty regular.  Depending on who’s running our route it could be one of several different vehicles, none of which are old or have distinctive knocks or sounds … at least to MY ear.  They go down my side of the street first and then several hours later, the opposite side of the street.  They don’t bark at any of the other hundreds of cars and trucks and motorcycles that make all kinds of racket all day (and night) long, nor do they bark at any of the neighbors, except the neighbors immediately to my right when they park high up on the driveway instead of pulling all the way down and they slam their car doors.  That’s the only time.  They crazy people across the street make all kinds of noise day and night, but unless they cross the threshold of my property…nothing from the dogs.

But when the mailman delivers mail across the street in his silent, close to brand new vehicle, with traffic going up and down the highway, where they can’t even SEE him, they bark like Mexicans are coming over the wall at the Alamo.  It is truly amazing.

And now, I’ll be right back, after I go change my shorts, cause they scared the girl scout cookies right out of me!  You guys keep reading.

Joe from NJ sent this in an email a little while back:  “I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.”  That’s really tough, Joe.

When the bookie asked the veteran horse player the secret of his consistent success, the gambler provided a simple explanation.  “I’m just lucky, I guess.  I turn to the racing page, close my eyes and stick a pin in it,” he said. 

“Lucky!” the bookie exclaimed in disbelief.  “But how did you pick this four-horse combination?” 

“Well,” the gambler admitted, “I didn’t have a pin, so I used a fork.” 

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. 

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. 

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, “It’s all right honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.” 

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. 

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.” 

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three.

When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.

Wanting to find out what was the matter, his mother asked, “Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?” 

He answered, “It’s not fair —  I’m not allowed to go to the library.” 

His mother became very concerned and asked, “Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?” 

With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library you have to have supervision, and I wear glasses 

I don’t know what his problem is today, but I feel as though I can sympathize.

Not sure if this next clip is one to brag about or not, but it is interesting

Another really interesting clip…again, thanks to Joe from NJ

An Israeli soldier who had only just enlisted asked his Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO said, “Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that kind of recognition!” 

The very next day the soldier came back driving an Arab tank! 

The CO was very impressed and gave the soldier his 3-day pass. 

One of the other new recruits took him aside and asked how he had managed to single-handedly capture an Arab tank. 

“Simple” said the soldier, I jumped in one of our tanks and headed towards the border. As I approached the border, I saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. Then I said to the Arab soldier, ‘How would you like to get a 3-day pass?’

“So we exchanged tanks!” 

There was a husband who was in the habit of taking the family dog for a nice long walk each evening.

It was good exercise for both of them, his wife felt, and the dog became so used to the routine that it positively drooled to be taken out on schedule every night.

So when her husband was sick one evening, the wife took the dog out instead.

To her surprise the dog pulled vigorously at the leash and led her around the block to a house around the corner and began to scratch at the door.

A female voice called out, “I won’t be a minute, darling.”

Soon the door was opened by an attractive young woman in a negligee, and the dog dashed in straight to a dish of meat that was waiting for him — obviously as usual. 

And (like I just told Izzy after reading that last one to her) if that’s the way it was now, absolutely everyone who complied with that would be more than welcome.  Assimilate, get a job, pay the same taxes that the rest of us pay.  Swear allegiance to America.

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete’s abilities. 

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, 

“Oops, gotta run!” 

Okay, so this one comes from Joe from NJ.  I can tell you that this is definitely a good, down home Jersey de-stressing technique, taught to us from a young age at our daddy’s knee…

Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is an 8-Step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works ; I tried it! 

1.  Picture yourself near a stream. 

2.  Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 

3.  No one but you knows your secret place. 

4.  You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called “the world.” 

5.  The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 

6.  The water is crystal clear. 

7.  You can easily make out the face of the person you’re holding underwater. 

8.  See, you’re smiling already.

Oh…oh wait!  It says PICTURE yourself…disregard what I said at the beginning.

Some of you may not get that one…back when I was a kid, we used to have these afternoon cartoons that actually tried to TEACH us something.  They were called … come on all you old folks, say it with me, “Schoolhouse Rock”!  This one is called, the Bill on the Hill

And this one is probably the most famous… Conjunction Junction!

I could sit and watch them all day.  LOL!

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an  organization… 

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. 

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a  spoon in his shirt pocket. 

hen  I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” 

“Well,”he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.  

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3  spoons per table per hour. 

If our  personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to  the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. 

“I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making  an extra trip to get it right now.” 

I was impressed. And I also noticed that there was a string hanging out  of the waiter’s fly. 

Looking  around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from  their flies. 

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you  tell me why you have that string  right there?” 

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so  observant. That consulting firm I  mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. 

By tying  this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need  to wash our hands, shortening  the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.” 

“After you get it out, how do you put it back?” 

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the  spoon.”

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day. 


BREAKFAST: 
1 grapefruit 
1 slice whole-wheat toast 
1 cup skim milk 


LUNCH: 
Small portion lean, steamed chicken 
Cup of spinach 
Cup herbal tea 
1 Hershey kiss 


AFTERNOON TEA: 
The rest of the kisses in the bag 
Tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with Chocolate-chip topping 


DINNER: 
4 bottles of wine (red or white) 
2 loaves garlic bread 
1 family size supreme pizza 
3 snickers bars 


LATE NIGHT SNACK: 
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) 


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS “DESSERTS” 

In today’s Last Word, I want to brag on Izzy.  She tried her hand at making Chicken Tetrazzini.  This was something that one of the girls she works with had made at home and brought in for her lunch that Izzy got to try.  The other lady sent her the recipe and when we went to Kroger today, we got the ingredients and she made it (with my help) and this is what it looked like… 

I am currently, as I’m writing this, finishing up my portion, and I have to say, it is absolutely delicious!  ★★★★★  I am stuffed full, but am seriously considering going back for more.  So, in the meantime, let me just say:

May the Good Lord Bless you and Keep you, may He cause His face to smile down upon you and may you be filled with joy and happiness until we meet again.