Dragon Laffs #2353

Posted on October 14, 2024 by impishdragon

I’ve got a couple of things that I want to get to before we get started this morning, the first of which is praise.

Papa Dragon Most Senior and his lovely wife have, so far, made it through Milton just fine.  They are far enough south that it was “mostly” a non-event for them.  When I spoke to them last evening they were still without electricity (today is Friday) although a lot of people around them had gotten their electricity back, so I’m assuming it will be very soon, even now, that they have theirs back.  So, thank you, God for taking care of them and thank all of you who prayed for them and for everyone in Florida.  It could have been far, far worse.

Next, I was sent a request about issue #2351 where I posted this picture:

Saying that I should have also included the next paragraph in the article.  I agree.  I should have…except I didn’t receive the next paragraph.  What you see above I got as a picture, not as an article.  But, the person who wrote into me was kind enough to include the next paragraph with his comments, so I will include it here.

“Critics pointed out that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) allocated $640.9 million https://www.fema.gov/grants/preparedness/shelter-services-program/fy24-awards this year in FEMA-administered funds to aid state and local governments coping with the influx of asylum seekers — though Mayorkas’ office fired back late Thursday, insisting that those funds couldn’t be used for hurricane relief because Congress authorized them specifically for the migrant crisis.”

The article goes on to say basically that the critics are all wrong.  That the money sent to migrants (read: illegal aliens) was a separate SSP (Shelter and Services Program) fund allocated by congress.  That has nothing to do with the money for storms.  That the fund for emergency food for the storm victims, the $750, was also allocated by congress and … and basically it’s all congress’ fault.

And that may all sound well and good to most people except those of us familiar with the government funding process.  The government moves money from one program to another ALL THE TIME.  When THEY want to, it’s easy.  Trust me.  I’ve had my money taken away for my programs and moved to another program easily enough.  And ultimately, it’s all OUR MONEY to begin with anyway, so who are they kidding!!

But, sadly, I can’t always go and research all the snapshots of things that I get.  I assumed that was enough of the article to get the point across and it kinda was, if you knew the back story, which I did, but not everyone did…but hopefully now, you know a bit more.

So….

“There are those who want a swimming pool in their home, while those who have it barely use it.” 
 
Those who have lost a loved one miss them deeply, while others who hold them close often complain about them. 
 
Who doesn’t have a partner longs for it, 
but who has it, sometimes doesn’t value it. 
 
He who is hungry would give everything for a plate of food, while he who has plenty complains about the taste. 
 
The one who doesn’t have a car dreams it, 
while the one who has it always looks for a better one. 
 
The key is to be grateful, to stop looking at what we have and to understand that, somewhere, someone would give everything for what you already have and don’t appreciate.”
 

So very, very true!

I laughed SO HARD at that one!!!

Some of these are good and some are very good and some are … meh…

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
A question mark walks into a bar?
A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

If nothing else, it’s outstanding photoshop work.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there’s no such thing as “Progressive Christianity”.

Stephanie sent us some pictures of old ads and then said the heck with us, told me that there were just too many of them to cut them all out and sent me the whole article.  So, first is the couple she sent me, then the rest of the article after you’ve gotten teased by Stephanie a little.

35 Vintage Drug Ads for An Old-School High – Funny Gallery.

Sent a few then realized too many good ones in here

That is a GREAT Halloween costume!

Aaaannnndddd another good one from our dear Steph!

28 Reasons Why It’s An Absolute MIRACLE Anyone Who Lived Through The ’60s, ’70s, And ’80s Is Alive Today

Okay, not really what it says… but the GENERAL idea might be there…

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. (KJV)
casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. (NKJV)
casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (ESV)
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (NIV)

Let’s go a little further afield…

Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you. (MSG)
casting all your cares [all your anxieties, all your worries, and all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares about you [with deepest affection, and watches over you very carefully]. (AMP)

Yeah, I’m not getting the whole “Overthinking will kill your peace” thing.  But when I searched on line, I found a TON of references from that quote back to 1 Peter 5:7.  Pretty weird.  Any of my Bible scholars out there have an answer for me?  It is kind of what it says, but not really.

Ah, yes!  “It’s good to be the king!”

Some Facts About Men 

If it’s attention you want, don’t get involved with a man during the play-off season of any sport.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals/tennis shoes 

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. 

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.

Men don’t get cellulite. Most women believe for that reason alone, God might just be a male.

Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women may need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men to help them get dressed easier and quicker. 

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Some of these may be a little out of date…you’ll see what I mean.

SOME GREAT WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE AT WORK…

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.) 

3. Insist that your e-mail address be xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or elvis-the-king@companyname.com 

4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it ‘IN.’ 

7. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 

8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favours” 

10. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.” 

11. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.” 

12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13. Don’t use any punctuation (Thanks to texting, most people aren’t doing that anyway) 

14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 

15. Ask people what sex they are. (That’s getting to be a requirement in some places now)

16. Specify that your drive through order is “to go.” 

19. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.” (Some jobs require you to do that or to sign-out to use the restroom)

21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 

22. Five days in advance tell your co-workers you can’t attend the social event because you’re not in the mood.

23. Pretend your phone is a CB when talking with clients.

SOME HANDY TIPS 

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your attic.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbors that you have invented a ‘SHRINKING’ device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking an articulated lorry outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the articulated lorry unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back to sleep.

Sandra was sitting in the doctor’s office when the doctor came in and said, “Jill, this isn’t a urine sample you brought in. It’s apple juice.”

“Oh my goodness” Sandra said, “I’ve got to get to a phone.” 

“Why?” asked the doctor. 

“I may have packed the other bottle in my Michael’s lunch box.”

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.

Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas?”

“Something for my mother, please.” said the young lady. 

“Something for your mother? Well, that’s very thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What do you want me to bring her? “

Without blinking she replied, “A son-in-law!” 

Yeah, that’s gonna tend to ruin your morning.

There’s a story behind the falcon question.  I’d LOVE to know what it is.

First golfer: “Shall we play again next Saturday?”

Second golfer: “Well, I was going to get married on Saturday, but I can put it off.

Wow!  So classy!

The color yellow it is?

Yes, that is indeed a dumpster on top of a house.

That’s the latest “conspiracy theory”.  That the government, either through trying to control the weather in an effort to help global warming (or global cooling, or whatever it is THIS year) or in an effort to actually create hurricanes to draw our attention away from the cataclysmic mess they are making of things currently OR to create an emergency so huge that they have to declare martial law and cancel all the elections so Trump can’t get in office or some other asinine theory, that they are controlling or creating the weather on purpose.  

And chemtrails are real as well, right?  The earth is flat, and we never landed on the moon.

Ah!  The good old days!

Driving through Southern California, Fred stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.

As he went to pay, he noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” he asked.

“My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said.

When Fred glanced at what hung above the counter, he understood.

It declared, “Local Honey Dates Nuts.”

What happened?” asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. 

“Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster… As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. 

I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said. 

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.” 

“And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?” asked the visitor. 

“Yes,” he said sheepishly, “Remain seated at all times!” 

I think that is absolutely adorable!!!  As a dad, I wholeheartedly support!

Right?  It’s like 72 and sunny right now.

I want to end today’s episode with something that Izzy and I saw at the hospital yesterday.  We were there for lab work and when we pulled up, there was a boy of about 8 years old jumping up and down on a pickup truck.  Leaping from the roof, to the bed topper, climbing back to the roof by stepping in the back window and leaping back to the bed topper again.  At one point I thought I saw a man standing out there with him trying to get him down.

When we had gone inside and registered for our labs, I mentioned this to the lady who was setting us up and she said that it was probably the same boy who had been running up and down the halls screaming earlier to the point that they had to call security.  He was there with someone who was there all morning (this was about 2 pm) in the surgical waiting room.  Why wasn’t this kid in school?  Why wasn’t he under adult supervision?  And most importantly, why wasn’t he disciplined enough to not do this to begin with?

Can you imagine pulling this stuff when YOU were a child?  What in the world is happening to the youth today?  Is it our fault for not raising OUR kids right so that they are now not raising THEIR kids right?  Does it all lead into this whole entitlement attitude that the current “younger” generation seems to have that started with the “everybody gets a trophy” mentality?

I see more and more of this sort of thing going on in the stores and in society.  Kids telling their parents what they will do instead of the other way around.  We are supposed to be parents, not friends.

At Men’s Breakfast this morning, one of the men in our church is a bus driver for the school and he was telling us a story of how he almost got in trouble because he had to raise his voice to be heard on the bus to tell the kids to quiet down so he could hear his radio because there was an emergency with one of the buses.  He got so many complaints from the parents because the kids went home and complained that the bus driver “yelled” at them that they pulled the tapes from his camera only to find out that he showed “great restraint”. 

I’d never make it as a bus driver today. 

I’d be like, “SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!  THIS IS NOT A PARTY, IT’S A VEHICLE TRAVELING DOWN A ROADWAY!  IT’S NOT A PLACE TO PLAY AROUND.  IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU AGAIN, YOU WILL BE WALKING HOME.” 

And just like that, I’d be out of a job.

So, I guess I’m just ranting… so let’s just call it a day.  I just called and checked on Papa Dragon Most Senior and they have their electricity back on and all is well.  Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes.

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