And today we have the very first ever guest header!  Thanks to Aussie Pete for sending in the above header that I like a whole lot!  Thanks Pete.  

That kind of opens the gate for the rest of you.  Anyone else who’d like to send in a submission (of any kind) can send it to:

Well…I have news… of a sort.  I’ve made a purchase that I’m a little trepidatious about.  Now, before you get the wrong idea, I’m excited as can be, but it’s been a LONG time.

It’s a 2003 Suzuki 800 trike.  It’s in fantastic shape with only a little over 20K miles on it.  It’s a trike, so I don’t have to worry about holding it up or balancing it (which would be my real worries).  By the time you read this I should have it registered and insured and I’m hoping that doesn’t cost me too much a month, just to have a little fun.  My son drove it home, since he is completely licensed and now he says he wants one.  (He just bought a brand new Harley so I know he was just being nice).

So, Tuesday, after I get it insured and registered, I get to go out and play.  If I can find a place close to play in the parking lot at first to get used to it.  My church is just down the street…but it’s a busy highway of a street.  We’ll see.  More later.

Now, let’s get to laughing. 

Few people are aware that hundreds of Haggis were used to film the Star Trek episode, “The Trouble with Tribbles.”  Gene Roddenberry traveled to Scotland years prior to creating Star Trek, but later remembered seeing the wee beasties during his Scotland holiday and wanted to incorporate them, somehow, into one of the episodes he was writing, which eventually became, “The Hassle with Haggis.”  Lawsuits were filed over the use of the name ‘Haggis’, so Roddenberry, succumbing to pressure from studio execs, changed the name to ‘Tribbles’, and then the title of the episode as well.  The professional animal handlers for the series were ill prepared for the behavior and habits of Haggis, especially the flouncing. Filming of the episode took longer than expected, and several members of the cast and crew were injured due to mishandling of the Haggis.  When filming was complete, the Haggis were flown back to Scotland to resume their life in the Highlands.  No Haggis were harmed during the filming of this episode. 

Fun Fact:  The original script never stated that ‘Tribbles hated Klingons and that they would emit a piercing shriek and shiver with rage’.  The Haggis themselves behaved this way towards the actors who were dressed as Klingons as the Haggis had an aversion to the makeup the actors wore.  Roddenberry chose to amend his script to allow for this behavior, rather than change the actors’ makeup.

Yeah, I know…but you’ll have to go look them up  on line like I had to.

A minister was attending a men’s breakfast. He asked one of the older farmers in attendance to say the prayer that morning.

The farmer began, “Lord, I hate buttermilk.”

The pastor opened one eye and wondered to himself where this was going.

Then the farmer said, “Lord, I hate lard.”

Now the pastor was worried.

But the farmer prayed on, “And Lord, you know I don’t care much for raw flour.”

As the pastor was about to stop everything the farmer continued, “But Lord, when you mix ‘em all together and bakes ‘em up, I do love me those fresh biscuits.

So Lord, when things come up we don’t like, when life gets hard, when we just don’t understand what you are saying to us, we just need to relax and wait ‘til You are done fixin’ and probably it will be something even better than biscuits.”

Oh, so very, very true!

I was just contacted by a very old and dear friend that I used to dispatch with.  He is still in the business.  He told me that they just lost one of their officers who died in their sleep last night.  It’s not my place to mention names or places, but I will ask you all to say a prayer for his family.  His WHOLE family.  That includes the men and women he worked with, drove with, talked to on the radio, interacted with in the neighborhoods, the other first responders, the firemen, EMTs.  He contacted me because, even though it’s been about 18 years, I’m still connected.  Through my current job and through the blood that we’ve all shared.  So, when you guys are talking to God today, ask Him to give strength and comfort to this man’s family.  He’ll know who you’re talking about.

Quote:

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

Arthur Buchwald (1925 – 2007)

This is one of those things that as a writer I can honestly say, “Man!  I wish I had written that!”

Minnesota, Minneapolis Law

Double-parkers can be put on a chain gang. 

um….wow!

There were two old men sitting on a park bench. 

A blonde woman walks by. 

One old man says to the other one, “Ever sleep with a blonde?”

The other old man says, “Many a time. Many a time.” 

A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other, “Ever sleep with a brunette?” 

The other old man says, “Many a time. Many a time.” 

A redhead walks by, and the old man says to the other, “Ever sleep with a redhead?” 

The other old man says, “Not a wink.”

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, “Honey, what is it?”  Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, “The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I’ve been having, and no matter what I do,  I just can’t get the little sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first  one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you, it took forever for him to get  it up there…and it HURT!!!” 

“Poor baby,” says the wife. “You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn’t very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository – I don’t mind.” 

Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand, quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband’s rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream. 

“My God!” says the wife. “What happened? Did I hurt you?” 

“No!” cries the man. “But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!” 

This is NOT going to work out well.

The Modern Toolbox 

Hammer 
In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. 

Screwdriver 
The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver. 

Phillips Screwdriver 
The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka. 

Pliers 
A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down  behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install. 

Multi-Pliers 
Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels. 

Electronic Stud Finder 
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light 
A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway. 

Cordless Drill 
A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. 

Cordless Telephone 
The handyman’s 999. 

Air Compressor 
A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house. 

Chain saw 
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself. 

Vise Grips 
A pair of helping hands that doesn’t critique the job you’re doing or offer advice. 

At this point I have two choices because of the week I’ve had and and the weekend I’m going to have.  I can end this here and send it out so you have it on Thursday or I can try to finish it so you have it for Monday when I’m working all weekend.

What I just decided I’m going to do is end this here, send it out so you have something for tomorrow.  Go to bed and try my best to put something together for Monday.  I’m so busy I haven’t even had a chance to play with my new toy, that I want to play with SOOOO much.  I have 50 emails to go through and so much work to do.

This is getting hard, guys.  I’m sorry that you guys are getting the short end of the stick.

Until next time….May God Bless you and keep you and smile His face upon you.