So, one more follow up to the chipping weekend. After hours of burning and then gallons and gallons of water being dumped on the ashes, and I mean, I watered that pit for at least 30 minutes if not longer, I really soaked it because I wasn’t taking any chances.  I watered and raked and raked and watered.  I got up Sunday morning and went out with the dogs about 0800 and this is what I found:

One little tendril of smoke coming up!  I laughed so hard!  “Okay, God.  Just so long as you don’t burn anything down.”

Anyway, got everything turned in and taken care of and it all worked out well.  So, let’s get to laughing, cause I’ve got a long week ahead of me.

All she wrote to go along with this one was SMH…and I agree. Click HERE.

Ain’t karma something…

A woman in her forties went a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The Knob, where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. 

Of course, the woman wanted it. 

Over the course of a few years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful – the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.  “All these years, everything has been working just fine,” she said.  “I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results.  But now, I’ve developed two annoying problems.  First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.” 

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.” 

She said, “Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.” 

Things Only Women Understand 

Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes. 

The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white. 

Crying can be fun. 

FAT CLOTHES. 

A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 

The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 

A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdressers is next to impossible. 

Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

Other women! 

One of my old school pictures

Bill’s wife asked him to go to the movie rental store and get ‘Scent of a Woman’ the other day. 

She hit him over the head when he came back with a ‘Fish Called Wanda’. 

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer. 

Bill’s girlfriend glanced up at it and said,  “I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I’d look like her.” 

“No,” Bill corrected, “If *I* drank a six-pack, of that brand, you’d look like her.” 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. 

The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” 

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why no Ma’am, what is it?”

“Did we land or were we shot down?”

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. 

The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. 

The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. 

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. 

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you! 

The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning.” 

No kidding!

A Kindergarten teacher had a student approach her and saying that he found a frog lying still on the playground. 

The teacher asked, “Well, is it dead or alive?” 

The student said, “I think it’s dead.” 

The teacher asked, “How do you know?” 

The boy said, “I pissed in its ear”. 

The teacher said “YOU DID WHAT?” 

He said, “You know, I went to his ear and said,’PSST!’ and it didn’t move. So it must be dead.”

They Really Said It! Headlines without Editors… 

  ** Grandmother of eight makes hole in one 
  ** Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers 
  ** House passes gas tax onto senate 
  ** Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing 
  ** Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan 
  ** Two convicts evade noose, jury hung 
  ** William Kelly was fed secretary 
  ** Milk drinkers are turning to powder 
  ** Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted 
  ** Quarter of a million Chinese live on water 
  ** Farmer bill dies in house 
  ** Iraqi head seeks arms 

  Lack of Appropriate Grammar Confuses the Issue: 

  ** Eye drops off shelf 
  ** Squad helps dog bite victim 
  ** Dealers will hear car talk at noon
  ** Enraged cow injures farmer with ax 
  ** Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests 
  ** Miners refuse to work after death 
  ** Two Soviet ships collide – one dies 
  ** Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

  No, They Didn’t Mean THAT, Really! 

  ** Never withhold herpes from loved one 
  ** Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy 
  ** Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984 
  ** Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better 

  Well Duh… OR Doesn’t It Seem Obvious… 

  ** If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while 
  ** War dims hope for peace 
  ** Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency 
  ** Cold wave linked to temperatures 
  ** Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday 
  ** Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years
  ** Man is fatally slain 
  ** Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say 
  ** Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

Louisiana – New Orleans Law 

You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club?” 

“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him? “I don’t know — five, six, maybe seven times…..just put me down for a five.” 

A man walked into a butcher’s shop and asked for half a rabbit.

‘I’m sorry,’ said the butcher.  ‘I don’t split hares.’ 

Massachusetts, Boston Law

Duels to the death are  permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.

 

That’s it.  I just got home from the jail ministry, I have to get the rest of my chores done and get to bed.  Until next time.  May God Bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you, until we meet again.