Wow…just spent the last couple of hours going through a bunch of pictures I created when I was a dispatcher for the State Police and when I was in Tech School for the job I have now.  I was trying to motivate people and make them laugh way back then.  State Police was 2004 to 2007 and Tech school was also in 2007.  Here’s just a couple of the pictures from the dispatcher days…

Did that one because the trooper was off duty and called in for stopping a drunk driver.  When he needed transport he made mention that he stopped the vehicle while out riding his bicycle.  We never did get an explanation from him as to how he accomplished that feat.

Three brand new troopers (at the time, heck, they may be thinking of retiring by now)

And three of our older troopers at the time.  I had to modify the top of the picture because it had their names on it.  LOL!  That’s all I need is to get sued.

I will say that the guys and ladies that I worked with during that time were some of the best and finest people I had ever worked with anywhere.  As proud as I am to be a veteran and to still work for the Air Force, I am just as proud of my time as a 911 dispatcher.  It was probably the most satisfying job I ever had.  Sadly, it was also probably the worst paying job I ever had.

I put the guys from Tech school in a LOT of weird places when they were dressed out in their MOPP gear.

The only other civilian in my class was a fireman from Cheyenne Mountain.  You know, the place where the Star Gate was supposed to have been hidden… so of course, this picture was a natural.

And one more of me…on a moon near Jupiter.  I’m the one on the left.

Now, enough of that, let’s get to the other stuff.  I’ve got some stuff that I want to rant about, but for right now, let’s get some laughing in.

Okay, this first one just astounded me.  I can’t believe that someone could possibly be THIS stupid.

It boggles the mind.

Simon Cowell was shocked to see Elvis Presley resurrected to perform on stage, But What Happened Next Was Even More Mind-Blowing  Simon even called this: “THE MOST INCREDIBLE ORIGINAL ACT EVER”  Thanks to Lynn for sending this one in.

Yeah, that’s what I always say.  I don’t run.  If I can’t drive for my life, than I’ll stand my ground until the last round is expended and then meet my Lord with bended knee.

There is the truth…right there.  Which is why I say, over and over, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PROGRESSIVE CHRISTIAN CHURCH.

If the metric system did ever take over, we’d have to change our thinking to the following: 

A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.  Okay, so I’m OCD, it should be 1.6 kilometers

Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward. 

Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child. 

Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he’ll take 1.06 kilometers.  Again, 1.6 … I’m sure it was just a typo

Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers. 

A very rich man died with no will.  The widow was talking with his lawyer.

“You were with him when he died?” asked the lawyer.

“Yes,” the widow replied.

“If I knew what his last words were, I could divide his possessions better among your children and yourself,” the lawyer told her.

“Very well,” said the widow, “If it will help, he said, `Don’t try to scare me, you couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'”

We have such a difficult time at things…

In our celebration of days the other day, we forgot about Flag Day.  That was on Friday the 15th.  

Men drive too fast, we were told, because the car is an extension of the penis. 

But if it were, men would surely not drive too fast; they would just back in and out of the garage. 

Or maybe just polish it all the time.

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, “Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?”

The Father thought for a moment. “Yes Son,” he replied, “Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case.”

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid”. That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the- road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn’t resist. said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok… no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign… until he asked, “So… is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said “no I’m delivering’ a bridge… here’s your sign.”

Why do I feel like that’s the 4th time I’ve run that last cartoon in the last couple of issues?

What?  That last meme?  Oh, it’s just wrong on SO many levels.

Why is it always the pretty girls who have the sharpest swords?

Things it takes most of us 50 years to learn:

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

7. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”  AMEN!!

10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

12. You should not confuse your career with your life.  True!  But sometimes very, very hard to do.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.  Very true.  Also analogous to the shopping cart theory.

14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.  Way too true.  Sadly.

15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

16. Your true friends love you, anyway.

17. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

I’ve been asked to make this special announcement:  We don’t know who has been laying these devious traps, but we’ve lost 3 of our local deputies today alone.  The first one was funny, but it’s not funny anymore.  Please stop.  There will have to be mandatory overtime if it doesn’t end soon.

Documented proof that slaves built the pyramids and not aliens.

It was a typical night at the old watering hole. Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one. 

Then Jim told his buddy, Bill, “I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.” 

Confused by his buddy’s comment, Bill asked, “Oh? Why were you wondering about that?” 

Jim explained, “Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week.” 

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Bob was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he’d have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Bob’s wages to pay for the repairs.

“How much will it cost?” asked my uncle.

“About $4,500,” said the owner.

“What a relief!” exclaimed Uncle Bob.  “I’ve finally got job security!”

Always!  It’s always Bob!

And I’m going to put this next one right in line where I found it and read it.  And I will tell you how true this thing is and how much it broke my heart while it was making me cry.  And I’m going to thank Joe from NJ from the bottom of my heart for sharing this with me and allowing me to share it with you.

Something different – an interesting poem . . .

Cranky Old Man Poem

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.  Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. 

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in magazines for Mental Health. 

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem. 

                              Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses?         – What do you see?
What are you thinking              – when you’re looking at me? 
A cranky old man,                    – not very wise, 
Uncertain of habit                     – with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food              – and makes no reply. 
When you say in a loud voice  – ‘I do wish you’d try!’ 
Who seems not to notice         – the things that you do. 
And forever is losing                – A sock or shoe? 

Who, resisting or not                – lets you do as you will, 
With bathing and feeding         – The long day to fill? 
Is that what you’re thinking?   – Is that what you see? 
Then open your eyes, nurse    – you’re not looking at me. 

I’ll tell you who I am                  – As I sit here so still, 
As I do at your bidding,            – as I eat at your will. 
I’m a small child of Ten            – with a father and mother, 
Brothers and sisters                 – who love one another 

A young boy of Sixteen             – with wings on his feet 
Dreaming that soon now          – a lover he’ll meet. 
A groom soon at Twenty          – my heart gives a leap. 
Remembering, the vows           – that I promised to keep. 

At Twenty-Five, now                 – I have young of my own. 
Who need me to guide             – And a secure happy home. 
A man of Thirty                         – My young now grown fast, 
Bound to each other                – With ties that should last. 

At Forty, my young sons          – have grown and are gone, 
But my woman is beside me    – to see I don’t mourn. 
At Fifty, once more,                  – Babies play ’round my knee, 
Again, we know children          – My loved one and me. 

Dark days are upon me            – My wife is now dead. 
I look at the future                    – I shudder with dread. 
For my young are all rearing    – young of their own. 
And I think of the years            – And the love that I’ve known. 

I’m now an old man                  – and nature is cruel. 
It’s jest to make old age           – look like a fool. 
The body, it crumbles               – grace and vigor, depart. 
There is now a stone                – where I once had a heart. 

But inside this old carcass       – A young man still dwells, 
And now and again                  – my battered heart swells 
I remember the joys                  – I remember the pain. 
And I’m loving and living         – life over again. 

I think of the years, all too few – gone too fast. 
And accept the stark fact         – that nothing can last. 
So open your eyes, people       – open and see. 
Not a cranky old man.              Look closer . . . . see . . .          – ME!! 

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too! 

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM

The best and most beautiful things of this world can’t be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart!

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
 
How is she now?

She’s fine. But, the dog died.

And if we held a minute of silence for every victim of every despot, political monster, evil dictator, or supposed scientist with a vaccine we were forced to take, we would never hear another sound…ever.

Well said, Captain

Minnesota Law

A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.

or

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
 
“Why Daddy?” asked a confused Little Johnny.
 
“Well, son” he explained, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.”
 
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, “What does being in love mean?”
 
“Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love.”
 
“But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you.”
 
“I don’t understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?”
 
“Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbour, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

More Mistakes From New English Language Students
 
“In some countries, you should only drink the water that a tourist already drank. Maybe it will taste bad, but it will not have poison.”
 
“My father is a highly rank government official.”
 
“This morning, I was walking outside, when suddenly a big shower fell on me!”
 
“We won two gold medals, one silver, and four blonds!”
 
“Please execute me for being late.”
 
“I never liked mushrooms, but now they are starting to grow in me.”
 
“Such behavior will result in immediately being exploded from the university.”
 
“The groom was wearing a very nice croissant.”
 
“My landlord gave me a one year contraction. It will be over soon.”
 
“I can usually know when he is lying because he starts to breed a little faster.”
 
“I don’t know if he will propose, but I am expecting.”
 
“Last night, when I ate dinner, I started joking. My friend hit my back very hard until I stopped. I was so lucky he was there!”

So I got in a discussion the other day with some guys at work who were setting up for some sort of celebration.  I told them that they shouldn’t be doing that, that it was a waste of precious time.  The military should not be celebrating Pride month, if that indeed was what they were setting up for. 

I also don’t believe we should be celebrating Black History month. 

No, I’m not a white, far right racist.  I don’t think we should be celebrating Pacific Islander day or week or whatever they get or ANY of that stuff.  I do think we should recognize superior performers because it is them that the rest of us should emulate, but the rest of it is a waste of time we don’t have. 

Let me explain. 

Point #1: Less than 8% of the population will EVER be associated with the military in any capacity and less than 1% is currently on active duty right now.  That means AT BEST that 8% of us are standing in front of the 92% protecting them from the evilness in this world.

Point #2: Everyone’s job, either directly or indirectly in the military is to kill people.  If you can’t wrap your head tightly around that and be right with it, go find another job.

Point #3; As far as the military is concerned, we couldn’t care less what color you are, what your heritage is, what your sexual preferences are, as long as you keep them OUT of the work place.  But one thing that does count is how you treat your fellow military member.  There are going to be times that you are in very close quarters.  The stupid GAMES that the 92% can play about bathrooms and genders and CRAP like that don’t apply to us.  There may be times when everyone, men and women have to share the same restroom, locker room, etc.  And anyone who takes advantage of that situation would be and should be dealt with harshly.  That’s the way it SHOULD BE.  

Which all leads us to Point #4:  YOU HAVE TO BE THIS TALL TO RIDE THIS RIDE!!!  That’s not discrimination, it’s not racism, homophobic, anti … ANYTHING!!!  The fact of the matter is, YOU HAVE TO BE BIG ENOUGH TO DRAG MY BUTT OFF THE BATTLEFIELD WHEN I’M STUPID ENOUGH TO GET WOUNDED!!  I don’t care if you are orange with purple polka dots, so long as you can drag me and my equipment (most especially my weapons) back to the friendly side of the dotted line.

And we are so far behind in the “get ready to fight a war” or the “building up our military might” races against China (enemy #1) and Russia (enemy #2) and Iran (#3) that that is all we should be concentrating on.  Did you get me?  THAT IS ALL WE SHOULD BE CONCENTRATING ON!  We shouldn’t be having diversity classes.  We shouldn’t be having classes on feelings.  We shouldn’t be celebrating Pride month, Black History Month, Polish American left handed basket weaving day or any of the rest of that.  We SHOULD be firing our weapons, or fixing our jets, or loading and unloading our bombs, or cooking our meals, or setting up and taking down our tents, or any of the other wartime taskings that EVERY AFSC or MOF (I think that’s what the Army calls them) has.  (AFSC is Air Force Specialty Code.  In other words, your Air Force job.  I am a 3E9X0 or Emergency Manager.  They’ve changed the codes from when I was active duty.  Back then I was a 462X0.  In place of the X goes your skill level.  A 1 level is someone who hasn’t even been to Tech School yet, but has just been assigned to the career field.  3 level is a Tech School graduate.  5 level is able to perform duties on their own, has completed their CDCs.  7 level is advanced and 9 level is the equivalent of like a college graduate with that degree.  Okay, that was a fast aside and WAY down in the weeds)

But, ALL of this is to say that if our government doesn’t get their collective heads out of their butts and start emphasizing the military part of the military instead of the feel good NONSENSE of the woke STUPIDITY that the 92% have to deal with, then it won’t make any difference what they want to do because there won’t be a United States of American left anywhere to DO IT in.

And THAT has me more frustrated than anything else in my life right now.

God help us all.