Well, it’s Saturday and I’m getting ready to walk out the door for a friends, kid’s graduation party.  For us adults, it’s an excuse to get together and talk and visit.  Most of them will be drinking, but I don’t do that when I have to drive.  But first I have to stop and pick a few things up at the store and it’s starting to rain.  Great fun.  I will pick this up again when I get home.  Until then, go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.

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Okay, so that took a bit longer than I thought it would…it is now Sunday, after church…actually, a LOT after church, and I’m just now getting back to you guys.  I’m kinda surprised you’re all still here.  Did you’all order pizza or anything?  Raid the liquor cabinet?  Okay, so long as you made yourselves at home.  

Oh?  You told them to put it on my tab?  I see… 

Okay, fair enough.  I am the one who left you guys hanging for 24 hours.  So, let’s not leave you hanging for any longer.  Let’s jump in and get some laughter up in here, shall we?

This one is from Aussie Pete..

During a stopover in Hong Kong, at a travel agency, a tourist asked the beautiful Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort him on a city tour and asked her for her phone number so he could call her to make arrangements.

She gave him a big smile, nodded her head and said, “Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight”.

Stunned, he replied with a big grin ………
“Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!”

A chap standing next to him overheard the conversation, tapped his shoulder and said to him ………
“What she actually said was: 6 6 6 1 3 6 4 2 9.”

The Bible According to Children

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night..

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. 

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.. 

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple..

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 

13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the MagnaCarta. 

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head. 

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by sweat alone.” 

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. 

A  nurse at a hospital received a call from an anxious woman.

“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” she said. 

“Are you light-headed?” the nurse asked. 

“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.

Why do I feel like a couple of those are repeats?

THAT is a GREAT fountain!

Well, I’m not sharing it on FB, but I think this still counts

Well, this is totally a book of fiction!  Everyone knows it’s impossible to either RAISE or KEEP a dragon!

Massachusetts, Newton Law

All families must be given a hog from the town’s mayor.

Rules from Joe in NJ

A synonym is a word you use if you can’t spell the other one.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> [] I could do it, Joe. 

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes!

Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

I really like that picture…and actually quite simple.

Each and every one of us is responsible only for ourselves.  No matter how much we want to be, nor how much we feel we are, we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves.  Now, we do bear a certain  responsibility as a parent for sharing the Gospel with our children and ensuring that they are raised with a Christian upbringing, and for setting an example for them.  But, we are NOT held responsible if they choose NOT to follow that guidance.

A blonde pulls over at the petrol station, gets out of her car, opens the bonnet, and checks the engine oil.

After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

“Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?”

“May I ask why you need a longer one ma’am?”

“Because this one isn’t long enough to reach the oil!”

The Great Commission…it’s like a job requirement…it comes from a couple of different places in the Bible, but one of the most famous is Matthew 28 starting at verse 18.  Jesus had risen from the grave and met the eleven disciples where he had told them to meet.  He told them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  And since we are all disciples as well, we have the same charge.  Everything that we know to be true, that we’ve been taught, we are to teach.  We are to make more disciples.  God saved us, now we have to go back in there and help save more.  It’s our job.

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. “I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere–it’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.” 

“Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!” 

Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as a used car salesman. He had no experience in this field but he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was “like brand-new” and had only been driven by a little old lady on Sundays.

He tried that approach on every perspective buyer but none seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day.

The following day he decided to change his sales pitch and sure enough he sold three cars.

The manager of the used car dealership called him over and asked what he had done to bring about all these sales.

Bill grinned, “Well they didn’t believe my little old lady story, so I told them that the car had previously been owned by a nymphomaniac who only used the backseat.”

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.

“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother.

“And why not?” asked Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?” Stan
said nothing.

His brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”

Stan couldn’t take it anymore and asked his brother, “You’re sure you want a nephew?”

“Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor.”

“Well congratulations, you’re holding him.”

And today I’m going to be really incorrect…

I JUST found this on X.  I don’t spend any time on that stupid platform, but it came across my newsfeed first.

It’s about time!  There should have been more signatures, and it’s way too late!

What a complete joke that trial was.  Although, I really wasn’t surprised by the verdict.  I’m going to make a prediction that he will actually be sentenced to prison time.  Even though anyone with similar charges only has about a 10% chance of going to prison, he will be one that does.  But, I will also bet he doesn’t spend any real time behind bars, but they will make sure he spends at least one day in there, if for no other reasons than to say that he did and for the photo ops.

They didn’t burn any cities…don’t you remember what the mainstream liars said?  They were “mostly peaceful demonstrations” while the buildings were burning in the background.

Now, let’s tick the other one’s off…

STOP MISAPPROPRIATING OUR SIGN!

Okay, I think I’ve annoyed enough people for one day.  I have to hurry up and finish up, the season 4 opener of The Chosen is coming on soon.

The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.  We listen to reply.

~ Stephen R. Covey

AVOCADO:  Hello, I’m good fat.

BACON:  [lights cigarette] [punches avocado]

When you have a friend who is going through a personal storm, instead of being the weatherman and spreading the news, try being an umbrella and cover them with love.

People say that drinking milk makes you stronger.

Drink 5 glasses of milk and try to move a wall.
Can’t?

Now, drink 5 glasses of wine.
The wall moves all by itself!

Do you know the capacity of the brain? 

It is estimated at 2.5 Petabytes.  Now 1 Petabyte is 1,000 Terabytes. 
1 Terabyte equals 1,000 Gigabytes (GB). 
If you were to put all the brain’s capacity on 16GB thumb drives, it would take 156,000 thumb drives. 
The brain has 10 billion neurons. 

Such a powerful system is usually hacked by a wife in 30 seconds or less. 

That’s all I wanted you to know.

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a Bar…

But they didn’t planet that way.

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would it be okay?

Or would you have mixed fillings?

The guy at the furniture store told me the sofa would seat 5 people without any problems. 

Then it occurred to me, I don’t think I know 5 people without any problems.

I have lots of questions…and I admit, I’m a little scared.

The older I get the tighter companies are putting the lids on jars.

And on that strange note, it brings us to the end of another issue.  Thanks for spending the evening with me my friends.  May you all be blessed by God with Love and Happiness until we meet again.  And remember…