It’s been a day.  It just seems like a day ago that I was working on the weekend and here I am working it again.  Long day.  LONG DAY.  Then I came home and cut down a tree.  I am worn out.  And a harder day tomorrow. 

So, rather than sit here and complain, let’s get into some laughter before I have to call it a night and get some sleep.

A class in sex education was about to begin, and each student had to bring in a permission slip in order to take it.

A boy handed in his slip and explained to the teacher, “My mom says I can take the course as long as there’s no homework. 

Yup, that’s me.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

-Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

This one is ALL about me!  I get into a good book and I will read instead of doing just about anything except maybe breathing.  And I think if I had to give that up in order to finish some of those books I’d be hard pressed to figure out a way to get that done.

I have no idea who snapped this picture of me defending my human friends, but it’s one of the very few REAL pictures out there of me.

Yup!

Wondering how many of you are going to get that one.

“I see you went crazy at the big summer clearance sale,” Wanda comments, as she looks at all the bags of merchandise her friend, Carol just brought home from the store.

“You got that right … I almost bought their elevator ’cause it was marked down.”

Massachusetts  Law

A woman can not be on top in sexual activities.

I can’t believe that’s an actual law someplace.  

And I wonder how many are going to get that one…

I ain’t much for shopping, Or for goin’ into town except at cattle-shipping time, I ain’t too easily found.

But the day came when I hadda go… I left the kids with Ma. but ‘fore I left, she asked me, “Would you pick me up a bra?”

So without thinkin’ I said, “Sure,” How tough could that job be? An’ I bent down and kissed her an’ said, “I’ll be back by three.”

Well, I done the things I needed, But I started to regret ever offering to buy that thing… It worked me up a sweat.

I walked into the ladies shop, my hat pulled over my eyes, I didn’t want to take a chance on bein’ recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk… I didn’t hem or haw – I told that lady right straight out, “I’m here to buy a bra.”

From behind I heard some snickers, so I turned around to see every woman in that store was a’gawkin’ right at me!

“What kind would you be looking for? Well, I just scratched my head. I’d only seen one kind before, “Thought bras was bras,” I said.

She gave me a disgusted look, “Well sir, that’s where you’re wrong. Follow me,” I heard her say, like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley where bras was on display. I thought my jaw would hit the floor when I saw that lingerie!

They had all these different styles that I’d never seen before I thought I’d go plumb crazy ‘fore I left that women’s store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours and bras that cross your heart. There was bras that lift and separate, and that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel like you ain’t wearing one at all, And bras that you can train in when you start off when you’re small.

Well, I finally made my mind up… picked a black and lacy one… I told the lady, “Bag it up,” And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size I didn’t hesitate I knew that measurement by heart, “A six-and-seven-eighths.”

“Six and seven eighths you say? That really isn’t right.” “Oh, yes ma’am! I’m real positive… I measured them last night!”

I thought that she’d go into shock, musta took her by surprise when I told her that my wife’s bust was the same as my hat size.

“That’s what I used to measure with, I figured it was fair, but if I’m wrong, I’m sorry ma’am.” This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered and they all was crackin’ up when the lady asked to see my hat, to measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured, I gave the gal her pay. Then I turned to leave the store, tipped my hat and said, “Good day.”

My wife had heard the story ‘fore I ever made it home. She’d talked to fifteen women who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin’ but by then I didn’t care. Now she don’t ask and I don’t shop for women’s underwear…

From what I understand, she ain’t pretty but she’s great with the kids.

That is absolutely adorable!

A little boy came home from Sunday School with a big candy bar. His mother asked him where he got it.

“I bought it at the store with the dollar you gave me,” he said.

“That dollar was for Sunday School,” she scolded him.

“I know, Mom, he replied, “but the Pastor met me at the door and got me in for free!”

A radio announcer was introducing a record, ‘The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. 

Hey, Charlotte, that’s a ripe old age, isn’t it?’ 

There was a short pause and then the DJ said, ‘I’m sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill.’ 

Top 20 Engineers’ Terminology

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
– We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
– We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
– We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
– It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
– We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
– The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
– We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
– The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
– It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
– Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
– Let’s spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
– We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
– I can’t wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET’S DISCUSS
– Come into my office, I’m lonely.

15. ALL NEW
– Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED
– Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT
– Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
– One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING
– Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE
– Impossible to fix if broken.

I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.

The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”

The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those white tipped canes?”

“Yes I do,” she replied.

“Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane,” He said. “Then tell them ‘If you had more faith that wouldn’t hurt!'”

A tourist driving through Arkansas passes a young boy walking along wearing only one shoe.

The tourist stops his car and asks the boy, “Did you lose a shoe?”

Nope,” the boy replies. “Found one.”

Little Hershkele Stankow was shopping with his mother, much to his dismay.

When they walked past a toy store and Hershkele saw a new toy he really wanted, he begged and pleaded and pulled on his mama’s arm until she said, “Sorry Hershkele. We are not here to buy you a toy.”

Hershkele pulled away from his mama in anger and said, “I never met a lady as mean as you!”

Taking his hand in hers, she gently retorted, “Hershkele, darling, someday you’ll get married and you will … you will!”

My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him.

It soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel.

We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and other necessary items.

Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies.

The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned haughtily, “Matched luggage?”

Realizing that the time had come for him to stop working so hard, an old blacksmith chose a strong young man to become his apprentice.

The young man was full of questions and the old blacksmith was ill-tempered and exacting.

“Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” grumbled the old man. “Just do whatever I tell you to do!”

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.

“Get the hammer over there,” he snapped at the apprentice. “When I nod my head, hit it as hard as you can.”

The town is now looking for a new blacksmith.

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: “How many grains of sand are on the beach?” needless to say, no one could answer. 

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. 

Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. 

So Thursday nightJohnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. 

At the end of the day just when the teacher says, “here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. 

Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. 

The teacher says, “ok, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” 

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday. 

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Partrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father, Do ya’ think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?”

“Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. 

“Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked. 

“Yeah, sure,” she replied, “but not by a doctor!” 

There was a young lady named Hall, 
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 
The dress caught fire, 
And burned her entire 
Front page, sports section, and all

And that’s it my friends.