So I’m writing this on Monday.  I’m trying to keep myself occupied.  As I’ve mentioned before, today is a bad day for me.  Today is the second anniversary of Mary’s death.  For those of you new to the show, Mary is my beloved wife of 29 years now.  Although we were together much longer than that.  And it is also the fourth anniversary of my daughter taking her own life.  So…yeah, bad day.  

I got Izzy up early and we took the recyclables to the center and then we did a little grocery shopping.  Not much because with everything else going on in my life right now, we can’t afford to do any real grocery shopping until I figure out what’s going to happen with the #!@&*!# lawsuit, which I STILL haven’t heard anything about yet.  

Oh, I guess it goes without saying that I took the day off work today because I REALLY don’t need to be at work and I REALLY don’t want Izzy to be alone today, either.  Well, right now she is upstairs taking a nap because I got her up early and so I am going to work on Dragon Laffs to keep my mind occupied.  

So, if I start going on about things it will just get bad, so let’s start laughing instead, shall we.

Joe sent me this next one as a video, but I found it on YouTube.  It’s an older one, but funny none-the less.

Ed and Ted met for the first time In twenty years. “So, how’s life been for you?” Ed asked.

“Not too good,” Ted replied. “My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesblan and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son’s in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.”

“Oh dear, that sounds terrible.” Ed said.

“What business were you in?’

“I sell lucky charms,” said Ted.

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change,  and then goes back and says to the cashier, “Hey, you gave me the wrong change!”

Cashier: “Sir, you stepped away from the counter. We don’t make corrections after you leave. There’s nothing I can do about it now. That’s the policy of this bank !”

Customer: “Well, okay. Just thought you’d like to know you gave me twenty dollars too much. Bye. “

Because we are all little angels.

The first 50 years of Childhood are always the hardest.

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.  He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.  The owner didn’t even see me.”

The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”  The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.  He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

Exactly correct.  You younger guys will learn.

I took my son out for his first pint.  Got him a Fosters.  He didn’t like it – I had it.  Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it – I had it, as well.  It was the same with Guinness and Cider.  By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram home.

Sometimes offense is the best defense.

I like to play this game called Nap Roulette.  It’s where I take a nap but don’t set an alarm.
Will it be a 30 minute nap?
Will it be a 4 hour nap?
Will I wake up tomorrow?
Nobody knows.  But it’s risky.  And I like it.

My Superpower?

I can look you dead in the face while you’re talking and not hear a single word you said.

What is the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

All purses should look as angry as this one.

They didn’t tell you that after his heart grew three sizes, the Grinch died, became overly calcified and well…you can see the results for yourself.

Okay, that’s got to be pretty hot out there.

That would be funny, if the truth weren’t so terrible.

Yeah, I have that same problem.

Me:  I am so exhausted! 

Fitbit:  You have taken 9 steps today.

HR: You can’t call employees “foreskin”. 

Me:  But they disappear when things get hard. 

HR:  Still can’t.

A teacher is marking off the attendance roll when she comes across the name “Hijkm”.  She says, “I’m sorry I’m not sure how to pronounce this name.” Then spells it out.  A girl raises her hand and says…

That’s me and it’s pronounced Noelle.

And this next one that is so similar

19,000 BORDER AGENTS

175,000 IRS AGENTS

8 times as many agents to target American citizens than to target the drug cartels.

In the event of a Civil War, I’m not afraid of the 81 million Biden voters.  Half are dead and don’t exist and the rest don’t even know what gender they are.  And none of them would ever dare own a firearm.

And that would be absolutely hilarious … if he hadn’t actually SAID that!!!

I love listening to that man talk!!!

When I’m feeling down and someone says, “Suck it up” I get the urge to break their legs and say “Walk it off”.

Dad:  You should become a cop. 

Daughter:  I don’t want to. 

Dad:  You chase the same men they do, might as well get paid for it.

Izzy immediately identified this

I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47…

I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

So you think you have problems?

My wife moved my air guitar, and now I can’t find it.

A real friend is someone who tries to pick you up when you’ve fallen and if they can’t pick you up, they lay down right beside you.

Blood is thicker than water, but syrup is thicker than blood so pancakes are better than family

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

I just found out that I’m color blind. 

The news came completely out of the green.

I’m getting so sick and tired of these double standards.  Burn a body at a mortuary and “you’re doing your job” but do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence”

Well, thank you guys for helping me get through the day.  I appreciate your help. I do want to take the opportunity to thank Theodore K. for your very kind donation.  It helps a lot.  Thank you.  I’m still waiting on the lawsuit, still waiting on the estate and still don’t have 2 nickels to rub against each other because of the above, so yeah, thank you very much.  I really thought I would have heard from the other lawyers today, and if I don’t hear anything by Thursday I’m going to write to the court and ask for a delay…extension…whatever. 

Anyway, thank you my friends.  Consider yourselves hugged.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.  Until next time.