Today is Friday.  The official observant holiday for Veterans Day, even though tomorrow, the 11th of November is the official Holiday.  I am still in Indiana.  But, I am now leaving early next week.  Everything is worse today then the last time I talked to you.  I am not going to go into it except to say that I am going down there to straighten it out and it may cost me every penny I have in my retirement fund to do it. 

But he is my brother and I owe it to him.  Just pray for me that I don’t get taken advantage of, because I am relying on so many different people to be honest and straightforward with me.  And you guys know as well as I do what the odds are of that happening. 

So, as I’m sitting here, let’s put together an issue we can all laugh at, and keep our heads above our shoulders for a one more time before I go.  Understand that this is all just earthly stuff and that God has all the rest of it.  It’s all in His hands.  He’s got this!  And so for the rest of this…

Yup, doesn’t surprise me at all.  Where do you green freaks THINK the electricity comes from?  Magically out of the ground?

A pirate captain was on the look out for buried treasure.

After months of hard sailing, day in and day out, his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading.

He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp.

Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate’s feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp.

It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest.

Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination.

The Captain turned to his first mate and said, “Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!”

Little Morris’ 2nd grade class was on a field trip to a local police station.  At the station they saw photos of the 10 most wanted criminals. tacked to a bulletin board.

Morris pointed at a photo and asked if one of the photos was really that of a bad criminal.

” Yes ” said a policeman, ” He is a very dangerous person and we want to capture him very badly.”

Morris looked puzzled and said, ” So why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ? “

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

“Yes.”

“What else?”

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”

“Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.”

“Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving” motioned the monkey.

All men make mistakes but the married ones find out about it a lot sooner.

Red Skelton  (1913-1997)

A hospital gown is like insurance.

You’re never covered as much as you think you are.

“Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. 

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one. 

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. 

“Do you have any questions?” she asked. 

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.” 

As an English teacher, my cousin spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students’ written work.

She wasn’t sure how much impact she was having until one really busy day when she was sitting at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, “What’s the matter, Mrs. Van Tine ?” –

Describing her emotional state, she replied, “Tense,”

After a slight pause the student tried again … “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? … ???”

A traveler afoot in the mountains came upon a terrifying scene.

In front of a lonely mountain cabin, a man was in deadly combat with a huge bear, while his wife sat on a stump nearby with a rifle across her lap.

“Why don’t you shoot that beast? cried the traveler.

“I will if I have to”, she replied tersely, “but he’s a drunken bum and I’m hoping the bear will save me the trouble.”

My dear friends and fellow campers,

Ted sent this to me and under normal circumstances I would save it for an opening or for a Last Word, but I am in a hurry to put this issue together for you guys.  I’ve already had SO MANY interruptions today and my mind is so scattered and on other things that I am going to put it right here because I just opened the email and found it. 

So, without further ado, here is “In The Last Quarter of Life” sent in by Ted.  Thank you Ted. 

“In the last Quarter of Life”

A lot of us are in the last quarter of life and I share without politics, religion, race cards. Just gentle thoughts:

You know, time has a way of catching you off-guard about how quickly it travels.

It feels like just yesterday that I was young and ready to start adult-life. And in a way it feels like eons ago, and I wonder where the years have gone.

I know I lived them all.

I remember all my hopes and dreams. I remember the plans I made.

And suddenly, here I am in the last quarter.

How did I get here so fast?

Where have the years gone and where did my youth go?

I can recall looking at older people, thinking how long it will take for me to get where they are. That I am still in my youth, that I have many years ahead. At that time I could not even think of being where I am now.

And yet, here I am.

My friends are retired, they all have grey hair, they move much slower than they did and when I look at them, I see older people. Some are in a better and some a worse condition than me. But I see the big difference. They are no longer the youthful, carefree, full-of-life friends.

Just like me, age shows. And we are now the older people we used to look at and thought it was still a long way off.

I find that these days, taking a shower takes its toll on my breath and energy levels. And an afternoon nap is not just a treat, it’s become a necessity. And if I don’t, I find myself sleeping in the same chair I started reading or watching television in.

Now I have entered this new season of my life, totally unprepared for the discomfort, aches and pains, loss of energy and strength and ability to do what I could, yet sometimes didn’t. At least I know that, even though I am in the last quarter and I have no idea how long this quarter will be, when my time on earth is over, a new adventure awaits too.

Yes, I do have things I wish I I had never done. Yet so thankful for those I did. It is all in a lifetime.

And if you are not in the last quarter yet, I want to remind you that it comes faster than you could anticipate. Do the things you still want to do as soon as possible. Do not procrastinate. Life runs on fast legs.

Do today what you can.

There is no promise that we will all see the seasons of life. Live for today. For now.

Say the words to the ones you love. Often.

Hopefully some will appreciate the things you did for them. And if they don’t, it is also okay.

Life is truly a gift. Just be happy. It is after all your choice.

And remember that health is a treasure, not wealth, gold and silver, property or your bank balance.

You may think that going out is the best, but believe me – coming home is better.

You may forget names and that is okay, because some have already forgotten that they knew you.

The things you cared about previously, you may lose interest in.

If you fall asleep in your favorite chair, stay there.

Growing older is wonderful. It is comfortable. It is loaded with memories that you never grow tired of. It is an absolute treasure.

Look after yourself.

It so much describes everything I am feeling right at this moment in my life….

A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

                   BUT. . .

A woman must do what he can’t.

Iowa Law

One armed piano players must perform for free.

I thought that is the silliest thing that I’ve ever heard of and can’t possibly be true!  Then I thought, Impish, you’ve been dealing with Florida State Law for the last couple of weeks and how completely asinine THAT is and I never even bothered to check on the Iowa law.

Okay, it’s now 15 minutes later and I must confess, it was bugging me.  Because I almost always check.  And I shouldn’t have.  Because now I know even MORE stupid stuff.  Yes, it’s true….. ALONG WITH:

Mustached men may not kiss women in public

AND

It is illegal to sell drugs without the appropriate stamp.  And that one was done SPECIFICALLY to stem the illegal drug trade.  As if the illegal drug sellers are going to run out and get a stamp so their be … what?  Less illegal?  I really should’ve let it go.

So many things I’d like to talk about politically right now.  How disappointed I am in the young people of our country who don’t understand what’s going on over in Israel with the Hamas and how all roads lead back to Iran.  And how they all think that Israel has treated them all so poorly over the years and they haven’t, not at all.  God gave Israel to the Jews from the beginning of time.  If you don’t believe that, look in Genesis.  And I’d love to tell you how disappointed I am in how my own country, that I’ve agreed to give up my one and only LIFE for, is nothing more than an arms dealer by funding both sides of the same conflict.  Giving money to Iran and Israel.  By sending billions of dollars in aid to Ukraine with no accountability because most of it is coming back to line the pockets of the same crooked politicians who sent it over there to begin with.  So many, many other things I’d love to sit here and talk to you about, but instead, I’m going to throw some memes and cartoons at you and live to rant another day.  I’m sorry my friends.  Death and funerals and poor planning affect us all. 

Joe from NJ sent this one to me and told me it’s an Oldie… hence the Old E at the top of the story.  And I read through the story and I recognized it and thought, “Yeah, I’ve heard this before” but then I started thinking about it…and I’m not 100% sure, especially since it says it took place in San Diego, but I am almost positive I heard this story from one of the agents who said he was there. So…

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on “Global Organized Crime.”

The author who introduced the story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m a FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You’re a FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is a FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is a FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so.

CLICK.

While redecorating my bathroom, I phoned a shop to see if it stocked a particular model of toilet.

“We haven’t got one of those here,” said the clerk.

“Oh, no!” I said, crestfallen. His number had been the fourth one I’d called.

“Don’t worry,” he added helpfully. “I’ll contact our other outlets to see if there’s anybody out there sitting on one.”

Terms To Know…

TRAFFIC LIGHT

Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE

Postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER

Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE

Some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what’s happened.

SWIMMING POOL

A mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL

The ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN

Man with ability to convince wife she’d look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL

Person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC

A person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM

Any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.

OPTIMIST

Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE

Bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS

Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA

When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET

A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.

In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”

And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

       Forty-three (43) said yes,

       six (6) were undecided,

       and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”

A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. 

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it another 10 feet. 

She  looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically, “I  guess all those f**king lessons I took this winter didn’t help.” 

One  of the men immediately replies, “Now, you see, that’s your problem. 

You should have taken golf lessons instead.” 

This one is bad and quite a bit stereotyping.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. “A less costly alternative,” said the doctor, “is to go home, get a cherry bomb,” (fireworks are legal in

Alabama) “light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and Georgia, and possibly-Minnesota!

Don’t I wish!  Although my other roommate in Germany, not Wheats, but Smitty, from what I understand (because we lost touch) got a bunch of guys together in Rhode Island and bought an old F-4 … it would have to be an old C or D model and they were rebuilding it in order to fly it.  I’ve done searches before but could never find any information on anything.

A wife shows her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him, “Doesn’t this belong to your secretary?” 

“Where did you find that?” he stutters. 

“I didn’t,” she answers. “The mailman found it on your night-stand.” 

Okay, I gotta admit, this is weird, even for me.  And I ashamedly admit, that I watched this whole thing with rapt attention.  Thanks to Joe for sending this one in.  He called it, “How Long Did A Person Stay Alive After Being Guillotined?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLYdmM-Lh_k

And that’s it my friends.  I’ve run out of time for today and I want to publish today, so there it is.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we talk again.  I will try and give you updates while I’m gone, even if they are fast ones through my phone.  Be well.