It’s Monday!

It’s Columbus Day!

It’s Indigenous Peoples’ Day! 

I read an article today on a Christian website about how we should all celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day and about how terrible a person Christopher Columbus was.  How he came ashore in America, started killing people and how we stole this country from the people who were already here…the Indigenous People.  How you can’t “discover” a country that already has people living there.  How we should stop celebrating Columbus Day and ONLY celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day because that will make up to them all the horrible things that we did to them.

That WE did to them?

We?

Here we go again. 

Listen to me very closely. 

This is important.

Just like “we” don’t/didn’t own any slaves and will not pay any reparations, “we” didn’t come to this continent, kill or kick out or take advantage of any people, Indigenous or otherwise.  What all these people are doing is continuing to perpetuate the same ridiculous, racist nonsense by emphasizing the crimes of people from the past, that happened in the past.  The more we emphasize it and try to beat other people up with it or try to get a certain class, race, gender, nationality, or whatever to feel guilt about something that happened in the past by people who are no longer even alive, the more these types of things will continue.  We learn about them.  We learn FROM them so that we don’t REPEAT them and we MOVE ON.  Don’t write an article chastising me about how I’m supposed to feel bad about something that happened, not only before my (or anyone else’s) grandparents were born, but before any of my family ever lived on this continent.

I just read the above to Izzy and she made a very valid point.  When we were all in school, we were all taught that Columbus was this great guy.  “In fourteen hundred and ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue…” and other such Pablum.  Well, we should be teaching our children the truth.  Yes, Columbus discovered America…after Leif Erikson some 450 years earlier…and yes, you can discover a land that someone else is already living on.  If you sail off and find somewhere that you never knew existed before … well … you just discovered that place.  Right?  How many of you have “discovered” a new restaurant?  Yeah, I’m pretty sure it was there before you found it.

Yes, we should be teaching our children the truth.  Columbus was a jerk.  It’s part of our history.  Teach the truth.  But just the truth.  Doesn’t mean we beat ourselves up over it.  It’s a crappy part of our history.  You know what?  I’ll tell you a little secret…there are a LOT of crappy parts to our history.  We are humans.  We are sinners.  We do crappy stuff all the time.  The Nazis killed 6 million Jews.  That’s 6,000,000!  So, does that mean that all Germans are bad people?

I can hear everyone of you saying, of course not. 

So, then why does it work the other way?

Is it because we’re talking about certain minorities?  Are we really that racist?  

Yeah, I think we probably are.

Now, in a lot of cases, it is probably politically motivated racism.  But, racism none-the-less. More is the pity that so many of us fall into that trap.  Excuse the abhorrent behavior perpetuated on both sides.  Allow it to continue and become generational and therefore, moronic.

The Christian website made me feel ashamed because of what Christopher Columbus did.  Others try to make me feel shame because of what the white slave owners did.  Shame is a sign of sin.  I feel no sin for any of this.  Jesus came and took away ALL of my sins, but I feel no need to repent for any of this, so why then did this article imply that we, as citizens of this great nation, should feel sinful, for celebrating a day dedicated to the discovery of our great nation? 

No, Columbus was not a perfect man.  

But are any of us?

I am immediately reminded of Jesus’ counsel in John 8:7, dear Christian article: “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”  

Yes, please, by all means, teach the truth.  But do so without teaching or implying the shame.  They managed to do so when I was a kid…at least about slavery, maybe not about Columbus.  But that’s what we do when we grow up.  We become adults, both as people and as a nation.  We do things BETTER than we did before.  Not worse.

SO GROW THE HECK UP!!!

And for the rest of it…

Man, I’m wondering if maybe I parked in this spot?  I just got my car back from the world’s most expensive oil change.  Although I’m glad I did.  They found a stuck brake caliper.  Told them that I felt a shudder from the front of the car when I first applied pressure to the brakes at speed.  Anyway, long story short, stuck brake caliper tore up the ball joint boots, lost the grease, dried up the bearings, screwed up the tie rods, warped the rotors, I’m very lucky I had them look at when I did.  Could have been exciting at 70 mph going down the road.  I love my ten year old car, but at the rate I’m going, it’s going to be a brand new ten year old car shortly.  My oil change came in at right around $1400.  If you take back the 3% I get back on my credit card that would be about $42, so I’m already down to $1358.  If I can get it paid off by the end of the month there won’t even be any interest on it.  LOL!  I must’ve seen this sign SOMEWHERE!!!  
Meh!  It’s all good.

That is so WRONG!!

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, “Get out of here with that dog!”

The guy says, “But this isn’t just any dog… this dog can play the piano!”

The bartender replies, “Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay… and have a drink on the house!”

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing.  Ragtime, Mozart… and the bartender and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, “What was that all about?”

The guy replies, “Oh, that was his mother. She wants him to be a doctor.”

Amen.

So, it’s amazing what will remind me of things to talk to you guys about.  I belong to this group called Miami County Living Free (MCLF).  One of the groups that I use to minister through.  In fact, it is that group that I use … or probably more properly, they use me for the Wednesday night Jail Ministry. Anyway, as part of that group, we belong to another group, the local Substance Abuse Prevention Council (SAPC).  The MCLF has monthly meetings at which the members attend.  The SAPC has monthly meetings and because our organization is a member of that organization someone from our organization must attend their monthly meetings so we normally take turns.  Okay, clear as mud?  So, this month, tonight as your reading this as a matter of fact, is the monthly SAPC meeting and they have asked all the members to ask their different organizations for donations for some of the different places they support.  One is a halfway house for women and the other is the local work release.  They have asked for Halloween Decorations, Colored Pencils, Crayons, Coloring Books, and Jigsaw Puzzles.  Once my Izzy Dragon found out, because I happened to read the email out loud, she wanted in on it and said that we could buy the stuff where she worked, she had a special coupon for Halloween Decorations, all the rest of the stuff she could get there and she would donate $20 towards the project.  I was never so proud of my little dragonette in my whole life.  Just thought I’d throw that out there.

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah…..” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think,” the man laughed. “I’m the father of THREE children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

So MANY of the kids will not get this one.

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, “He’s a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races.” 

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke. 

“So what do you do?” she asked. 

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, “I sell drugs.” 

Ummm…I have, what I feel, are very legitimate questions.

Well, I’m gonna have to see the waitresses first.

And yet another one where there are people out there scratching their heads…but at least with this one I think I can give you a visual…yup!  Found it right here:

“You must stop following me!”

“I’m only protecting the babe.  She will someday grow up to be quite important to me.”

Man and woman nude in bed together. Man reading newspaper with headline:  “Court rules same-sex couples can marry.”

Man: “It will make an absolute mockery of traditional marriage!”

Woman: “That’s just what my husband says.”

[Impish counting up to five on his talons] Um…should I tell him or are you going to?

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside.

He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. “Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you two.”

“We tried the other one,” a student said, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

Seriously, my dear campers, teaching young airmen every month, this story does not surprise me one little bit.  I now quote Impish Dragon in his human form at CBRN Defense training, “Why did you show up to Chemical Defense Training without your Chemical Defense Suit?”  And the sad part is that the answers that I get are myriad.  

I ran in to Bill the other day and he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what  was wrong.

Bill said, “As you know, I am looking for employment.  I found an ad in the paper for a part in local dinner theater, Shakespeare’s  Romeo and Juliet.  I went and tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I  failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.  My copy of the script clearly said, “Enter Juliet from the  rear.”

See, I could easily see where that could lead to a misunderstanding!

This reminds me so much of my older daughter Valarie when she was pre-kindergarten years old and I was in the military and just an iddy-biddy airman first class (A1C) or maybe a senior airman (SrA).  A lowly E-3 or E-4 for you folks of other branches.  Valarie had started asking about something that she was calling her cunt.  And I may have told you guys this story before and if you’ve heard it before, please pardon the vulgar language, but she was NOT referring to that part of the female anatomy you might think she was referring to.  You see, she would tell us that she had lost her cunt and couldn’t find it.  Her mother (my ex-wife) and I had no clue what it was she was asking about.  She described it as black and white and furry and soft.  Thankfully, Valarie had blonde hair, otherwise… you see where I’m going with that.

Anyway, for weeks and weeks, this would come up.  Sometimes, like the children in the memes, to the point of tears, I can’t find my cunt.  Where is my cunt.  Thankfully, always at home.  And she was getting frustrated with us because she knew we had no idea what she was talking about.

Well, one day I had to take her to the pediatrician, on base.  And like most base doctor visits, they expect you to show up 30 minutes early and they are running an hour behind.  Even if you were the first patient of the day, they were behind.  I never figured out how they managed that trick.  Seating being at a premium, Val was sitting on my lap and we are surrounded by other parents and their children.  Some in uniform (as I was) some not.  I was not the youngest ranking person in the room, but I was pretty near the bottom.  There was a lot of brass in the room.  By the way the others were dressed, a lot of officer’s wives were in the waiting room.

So, Val is on my lap and we are looking through a picture book of animals and she’s pointing at the animals and telling me what each of the animals are.

“Elephant…lion…tiger…dog…”  I would turn the page and she would gleefully tell me what the next animal was.

And then I turned a page and I felt her suck in this big breath of air and she practically screamed, “THERE IT IS, DADDY!  THERE’S MY CUNT!”

You could have heard a pin drop.  I actually heard a female gasp or two.  I know, I KNOW that several of the officers were trying to get a look at my name and squadron patch to make sure I wasn’t in their unit and to see if they were going to have to take care of “this problem.”

In as calm a voice as I could manage, which I’m sure wasn’t that calm at all, and probably two octaves higher than my normal voice, I said, “No honey, that’s a skunk.  A SKUNK.” As I over emphasized the last word.

And in the most adult little girl voice I have ever heard, she looked directly up into my eyes and said like I was the biggest idiot who walked the face of the earth, “That’s what I said and have been telling you daddy, T H A T ‘ S     M Y     C U N T.”

And the whole place roared with laughter.  The receptionist, who was also an airman, everyone.  The whole place had come to a complete standstill.  Everyone holding their collective breath.  And suddenly everyone let it out in one huge burst of laughter…at my expense.  I wanted to crawl under the chair.

That is one of my most precious memories of Valarie.  I miss her so. 

I’ll  give you another batch of these reminders in the next issue.

I keep this wizard in a crystal ball on my desk.  This is the precursor to Alexa and Siri.  

Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.

The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer’s excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new VERY young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress.

She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, “Absolutely not! I’m going to wear this dress; I’ll look like a million in it!”

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, “Never mind dear. I’ll get another dress, after all it’s YOUR special day, not hers.”

Two weeks later another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, “What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don’t have any place to wear it.”

Sheila grinned and replied, “Of course, I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!

An old, but such an incredibly luscious joke.

Things on the love landscape sure have changed over the years… 

SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER 

Dearest Samantha, 

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Saturday, the 17th of August 2013. 

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2013 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. 

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. 

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer. 

Thanking you in anticipation. 

Yours sincerely, Max 

MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER 

Dear Max, 

Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. 

However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. 

I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. 

Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the ‘VIP’. I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order. 

Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest. 

Please also note that my sister is happily employed. 

Yours perhaps, Samantha! 

Please don’t ever let us get to that point.

Steve sent me a clip of Bob Uecker talking about his childhood in his unique Bob Uecker style.  Well of course I got a great laugh out of it, but couldn’t use it here, so I went in search of it on YouTube.  I couldn’t find it, but what I did find was the whole original speech which you’ll find below.  And if you are a Bob Uecker fan and if you’re not you’re going to laugh.

Some of you will get this 

Ways to piss a guy off ….

Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before you agree to do the horizontal bop.

Tell him his brother is a better lay.

Tell him his sister is better in bed than his brother is.

Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put the remote back together. Smile sweetly while he goes nuts.

Create an email account in his best friend’s name. Email him suggestive letters and sign it, Love, Floyd.

Rub his stomach. Say “Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck.”

Fake an orgasm while riding in the car and stopped at a stop sign. Double points if the car is parked outside his favorite bar.

Subscribe to Woman’s World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make the subscription in his name.

Call your mom. While he’s listening, invite her to move in with you.

Buy 1 ticket to his favorite, sold-out sporting event. Say, “It was the last one, but to prevent any hard feelings, I’ll just tear it up so we don’t have to decide who goes.” Burn the ticket.

Out of the blue, look him straight in the eye and say, “It doesn’t matter.” Ignore him for 30 minutes.

Tell him your pregnant and you *think* he’s the father.

Write a letter to another guy during sex.

Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer’s shorts the last time you went out for a night on the town with the girls.

Clean his tools with his favorite shirt.

Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blow job he’s ever had. Just before you start, say “DAMMIT! Chipped a tooth. Oh, well, it won’t matter.”

Tell him you’ve invited some friends over to play strip poker. Then say that his golf/fishing/hunting/poker/drinking/etc. buddies should be here any minute.

Tell him you’ve always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough money saved up for the operation. Triple points awarded if you say it in front of his parents.

Tell him you want to be closer to him all the time, so from now on your gonna use ONLY his razors to shave your legs.

Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.

Tie him to the bed. Paint his toenails bright red.

Tie him to the bed. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Do a striptease for him. Then have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him.

Tie him to the bed. Put on an adult movie with the sound on and the screen turned at an angle that makes it VERY difficult to see.

I just took a pamphlet out of my mailbox informing me that I can have sex at 82! 

I am so happy, because I live at 74…so it’s not that far to walk home afterwards!

It’s been a bit of a strange day!  
First I found a hat full of money.
Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…

When punishing kids, don’t take away their electronics.

Take away their chargers.  Then watch the agony as their battery slowly dies…

I am so old that, when I was a kid, we actually had to win to get a trophy!

A man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed, and pulled the blankets over them.  She was shocked — he hadn’t been like this for 20 years.  Then her husband said, “Look!  My new watch glows in the dark.”

 Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying at home in his jammies.

I am not having the same result.

A man boards a plane with six kids.  After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, “Are all of those kids yours?”

He replies, “No.  I work for a condom company.  These are customer complaints.”

And that’s it my friends.  This was a bit of a longer issue than usual.  I will begin working on Thursday’s episode because this is going to be an interesting week for me.  And we all know about the Chinese curse about living in interesting times.  I do ask for all of you God’s Blessings of Love and Happiness until that time and always.  Be healthy and well my friends and keep laughing.