You’ll notice the header above.  It’s a special one.  In my files it’s called Header2.  Now, that doesn’t mean it’s the 2nd header ever, it just means that it’s the second header I saved, but it does go all the way back to 2007.  And the reason I choose that one for today, is because tomorrow, Sunday, would have been Lethal Leprechaun’s Birthday.  And I just wanted to take a moment to say how much I still miss him and how I look forward to seeing him again some day and I know that will happen because, even as much of cuss as he was, I know that all Marines end up in Heaven.  He was my brother from a different mother.  Semper Fi! 

I’m actually writing this on Monday and I missed this in Monday’s episode, so I’m going to catch it now, today, September 18, 2023 is the US Air Force’s 76th Birthday!  Woo Hoo!!!!!

Not near as old as an ancient dragon, but still, not bad…not bad at all.

Aaaannnddd…while I’m making announcements, I’d like to go ahead and thank 

Lona T.          Michael C.          And an anonymous donor…Donor X

I like that, that’s perfect.  Donor X.  Thank you very much for the lovely card and letter.  They were deeply appreciated.  All your donations are deeply appreciated because I know they are heartfelt.  It’s nice to feel like all of us campers are part of this whole thing, with contributions and submissions and I get the benefits of putting it all together and being able to express my opinions and pick and choose what goes in and what doesn’t.  Thank you all for all that you do to help with this endeavor.  

Now it’s time to get this wagon train moving down the highway.  Let’s get some laughter started and see where the rest of the stuff leads us, shall we?

Sitting in an airport restaurant listening to a young couple FaceTime with their baby and his grandparents.  It’s so adorable and they are obviously having serious separation anxiety on their trip.  They are cooing and gushing and exclaiming “Well look at YOU, big boy!  So big!  So handsome!  Are you being so good for Nana???”  Then one million questions for Nana about how the feeding and pooping are going, and a reminder about favorite blankies and toys.  They ask to say goodbye to baby one last time, and they nearly collapse with joy when he’s back on the screen.  “Mommy and Daddy love you!  You are the best boy!!  We’re coming home so soon!”

I’m literally crying into my latte because it’s so precious and I turn around to try and get a sneak peek at the baby on their FaceTime video.

It’s a yellow lab.

Whenever I tell someone where I live and they say, “OMG, that’s so far” I’m like calm down, I’m not inviting you over.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is every time a plan fly’s over Edinburgh Zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over and he just goes round picking them back up…38 penguins 2000 flights a day.

I gotta wonder if I can use the same excuse…I don’t work here.

I always get invited to the parties because it’s so easy for me to light the barbeques and the bonfires and such.

I may have started this issue on Saturday, but now it’s Friday, almost a week later, and this is as far as I’ve gotten in that amount of time.  That should tell you how busy my week has been.  And I guess that’s not that unusual, which is why I normally try to get as much done on these issues over the weekend.  With dart league on Tuesday night, Jail ministry on Wednesday night, Living Free ministry on Thursday night, Men’s breakfast one Saturday morning a month, Church every Sunday morning, of course work Monday thru Friday and then the Primary UTA once a month which is a Saturday and a Sunday and then the Alternate UTA once a month which is a Saturday.  And I bet I can guess what your primary question is:  I know…it’s “Impish, how do you maintain such a sunny disposition?”

NO IT’S NOT!

It’s “Impish, when do you sleep?!?!”  Well, I’m not really sure.  I know I do sleep.  It’s in there somewhere.  I know that at least one of our campers is worried about me getting enough sleep.  I’m going to have to retire, just so that I have more time to get other stuff done.

I did want to share a couple of comments with you guys.  

Okay Sammye, I’m pretty sure this is the one you’re talking about:

So let’s see if this helps…

And you guys remember I asked about who you thought we should be looking at for president and I got one response

Okay, that joke may be old.  But I included it because the third panel makes it worthwhile.

PROFESSIONS DEFINED 

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant. 

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.  

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand. 

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin) 

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. 

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka) 

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. 

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. 

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. 

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. 

I got this from Chris on the 19th which would have been last Tuesday and he says that I bet you didn’t know…

today is Talk Like a Pirate Day

https://www.wikiwand.com/en/International_Talk_Like_a_Pirate_Day 

so some jokes

Why did the pirate cross the road? To get to the second hand store.

A dermatologist examined a pirate. The doctor said, “Don’t worry, those spots are benign.” The pirate replied, “No, Doc. I counted them. There be eleven!”

What do you call a pirate with two hands and two legs? Rookie.

What did the pirate get on his report card? 7 C’s.

Favorite restaurant: Aaaar-by’s.

Least favorite vegetable: leeks.

Most feared medical condition:  aaaar-thritis.

Favorite subject: aaaar-t.

How to save a dying pirate:  CPRrrrrrrr.

Favorite exercise: planking.

Favorite seafood: swordfish.

Favorite Halloween costume: a pumpkin patch.

And no sir, you were quite right…I didn’t know.

“The Post Office is two blocks down on the right!”
Yes, it’s that joke and it’s old.

I do want to take this opportunity to thank even more people for their most generous donations to the annual bill payments.  You guys are awesome and very generous.  Thank you so very much.  To get us caught up, I wish to thank:

Michael C.     Jonathon J. (again!)     Joseph P. (it’s not overdue brother!)     Marian M.

Every time I think I’m done thanking people for the year, a couple more people throw some more money in the pot.  You guys are awesome!  Bless you all!!

I have to share this with you guys.  So Izzy and I had doctors appointments this afternoon and then I took her shopping.  So while she’s in the store and I’m waiting out in the car reading, my phone rings and it says it’s from the Miami County Sheriff’s Office.  So, the first thing I think is that there is something wrong with our Jail ministry or the Jail Commander answering my question on getting Bibles to the guys in our class or something like that.  So I answer the phone and they ask for me by name and I say yes, this is me and I recognize the voice.  It’s a friend of mine, but she is being awfully formal and I know she recognizes my voice, too.  So, I’m starting to think, what in the world is going on? 

She says, “I’m calling to inform you…”

My mind immediately goes to … someone is dead or they have a warrant out for my arrest and would I please come in peacefully?  Now, I know in the LOGICAL part of my brain, that if either one of those things were actually to happen, they would have probably sent someone by the house to tell me, except I wasn’t AT my house.  I was AT the doctor’s office and AT the store and maybe they DID try to send somebody by the house and found OUT that I wasn’t AT my house and this is their DESPERATE attempt to try and get a hold of me.

And also keep in mind that all of this is going on in the microsecond between the word “you” and the next word to come out of her mouth, which we’re all guessing is going to be “that”.  That is the way the anxiety filled, paranoid driven, NOT GOD SAVED mind works.  So I had an extraordinarily fast, very long talk with myself and said, “HEY SELF!  YOU KNOW BETTER!!  You don’t get all anxiety filled, paranoid driven, because you ARE GOD SAVED, now knock it off, take a breath, and listen to what comes after the word, “that”…

“…that you are being called for Jury Duty and you have to report … ”  

You remember the sounds that the adults made on the Peanuts cartoons?  The wha, wha, wha, sound?  Yeah, that’s about all I got out of the rest of that.  Other than she said I would get an official letter in the mail with the details and I think I heard October 5th and 8 am.

But that is pretty cool.  I’ve always wanted to be part of the trial system and be a juror.  I’ve never done it before.  I’m going to be 65 years old and it’s something that’s never happened in my life time.  But thinking about it.  I wonder what happens if it involves one of the men I’ve been ministering to?  I hope not, because I’d probably have to recuse myself.  But I certainly learned some interesting lessons about myself today, that’s for sure.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,

“Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go…

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Becky Sue got pregnant…

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas and Becky Sue got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti. I went to Tahiti and darned if Becky Sue didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Becky Sue with me.”

Okay, in case you didn’t get it, it was to be or not to be. (Bee, Bee, Ore, Knot, Bee, Bee)

It’s bloody awful when I have to explain these things to you.

And why does that statistic (made up or otherwise) not surprise me one single bit?

Pete, a very proper man started going into the neighborhood chemist every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. 

Week after week, he would come in with the same order. 

One day, the pharamist, Jim felt he had to say something to Pete. “Wow!  You must have the stamina of a bull.  Talk about getting lucky!  How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?” 

Pete looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!” 

So, Jim asked, “Then what do you do with all those condoms?” 

Pete answered, “I feed them to my poodle.  This way when she goes to the bathroom, she poops in little plastic baggies.” 

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution.

– Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956)

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer:

“As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say ‘$175…’ If he doesn’t blink, say, ‘For the frames.

The lenses will be an additional $100…’ If he still doesn’t blink, you add ‘…Each.'”

Okay, by a show of hands, how many of you actually GOT that joke?

Uh huh.  That’s about what I figured.

So, for the rest of your’s edification…

Just FYI … released December 31, 1984.  Thirty-eight years old.

It’s not the guns…
It’s the little butt-holes you raised with no conscience, no morals, no control, no biblical values, and no common sense!  It’s your fault.  Not the guns.

That is the truth!  And who is behind Obama?  I have a letter that I’m going to share with you and I’d love to hear your opinion on it.  It was sent to me by a reader, and I’m not going to mention any names.  It is a very deep and dark conspiracy theory.  I really do want to hear your opinion.  Although, if Dragon Laffs gets pulled off the internet, you’ll know why.  Although, maybe I should put that warning up there this week and then show you the letter in the next episode so you know.  In fact, let’s do that.  I’m formally putting out there in the ether, that if Dragon Laffs suddenly disappears, enough of you have my address and phone number that you can reach out to me.  And next episode I will share with you a letter that was shared with me.

A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the phone in the kitchen rings.

“Hello,” says the man answering it.

“Hi,” says a high woman’s voice. “This is Tiffany the housekeeper.”

“Oh,” says the man. “Hi Tiffany.”

“Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you’d be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom.”

“What sort of a problem?”

“Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the mattress, it fell out.”

“Well, what’s the problem, Tiffany?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure just where to put it back, so I just put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?”

“Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate it.”

“Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found that diamond ring you’ve been missing.”

“That’s wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put it?”

“In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!”

“And how did you lock it?”

“First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out and tried the top to make sure it was locked,” says the housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his instructions.

“Good! And where did you put the key?”

“In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good china.”

“Fantastic!” says the man, impressed.

“Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is going to be so surprised.”

“Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a great housekeeper.”

“Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night.”

“You too, Tiffany. Good night.”

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says with a grin, “This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!”

That kid deserves an A+

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Eric what the problem is.

“Well,” said Eric, “I ran afoul of one of those women’s questions women ask. Now Im in deep shit at home.”

“What kind of question?, asked Tom.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly.”

“That’s easy,” said Tom. “You just say ‘Of course I will'”.

“Yeah”, said Eric, “That’s what I did, except I said ‘Of course I DO….'”

It was an extremely rough English Channel crossing from Weymouth to Jersey, and one wretched green-faced passenger was hugging the rail when a steward approached him.

Lunch, sir? asked the tactless steward.

No, thanks, groaned the passenger. Just throw it overboard and save me the trouble

That is actually quite perfect!

A young man drove his mini-bike in to a gas station and dismounted.

“I’ll need about a pint of gas,” he said to the attendant, “and a few ounces of oil for the motor.”

“Certainly sir,” the attendant said,  “and would you also like me to cough into your tires?”

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of the work. 

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list, “Let Someone Else do it.”

Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; “Someone Else can work with that group.”

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference. Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else.

Now Someone Else is gone!

We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it?

Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember — we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore.

Sadly, there are far too many organizations where this is the case.

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t BELIEVE it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

“Wow!” I said “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!”

She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge.

“Yeah,” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

“Anyway”, she said, “I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!”

So I hung up…

And THAT, is just like most people

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub.

As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.

They saw him, and one said, `I`ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.`

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, `Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!`

So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around his manhood, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself.

He raised his kilt… and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, `I don know where y`been lad…but it`s nice ta`know y`won first prize!`

Insurance Claims

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. 

The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention. 

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. 

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him. 

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment. 

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 

I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. 

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 

I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident and damage my big end. 

As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. 

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian. 

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle. 

An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished. 

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull. 

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. 

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run. So I ran over him. 

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. 

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. 

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. 

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end. 

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he’d been knocked over before. 

Rosey and Shirley had been out of touch for years until they met at the mall one day.

Rosey said, “Shirley, it’s been so long. I heard you got married.”

“Yes,” said Shirley, “I married a lawyer, and an honest man, too.”

“Hmmm,” said Rosey, “isn’t that bigamy?”

Why yes Rosey, I believe that is.

And with that horrible pun we will be calling this one complete!  Thank you all for your kind attention, your wonderful contributions, your generous donations and mostly your blessed friendship.  Until we meet again, may Good Bless you with Love and Happiness and remember…