I’m back!  Thank God!  It was an interesting week, but a LONG week.  And my trip home was a nightmare.  Most of the week was spent in class that would have really been better spent by my military guys being there.  Not that I didn’t get a lot out of the week.  It was very interesting and enlightening, but it would have been much easier for my military supervisor to bring back the small amount of civilian information that I needed to me, than me bring back the huge amount of military information that I now have for him…if you get what I’m saying.

But Friday, we got to go to the place in the header.  The Cheyenne Mountain Complex.  Now THAT was way cool.  The amazing work that went into that place is totally mind blowing.  And nothing at all that I can talk about.  LOL!  But trust me, it was neat!

Anyway, back and you guys missed an issue and I’m sorry for that, but you know as well as I do that crap happens.  We all get it.  So, let’s get back on track and I’ll continue to give you guys the best that I can.

An elderly couple were sitting together watching television.  During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied, “You know, I don’t know.  I don’t even think we got a Christmas card from them this year.”

When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices?  Everyone hears voices all the time.”

I think about this a lot.

I came out of the shower and my 4 year-old said, “Oh mummy, not your boobies again.”

So I told her she’d have boobies when she grows up and she said, “No I won’t because when I grow up I’ll be a flamingo.”

Well, that looks like a city to me.

“Now wait!  Hang on a second!  Can’t we talk this out?”

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child.  What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.  It is unopened by well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me…hide it under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go  first.  The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go.” 

I wonder if strippers look forward to getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.”

“Hey!  Nothing to see here!  Mind your own business!  Keep moving!”

Had an adult male patient who needed a Foley Catheter.  His mother was in the room, and they live together in the backwoods of Tennessee.  I informed them both of the order for a catheter, how it works, and why it was needed.  His mother stated, “Well, he’s still a virgin, and I’m not sure I’m comfortable with his virginity being taken in a hospital.”

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

Ancestral Mathematics

In order to be born, you needed:

2 parents
4 grandparents
8 great-grandparents
16 second great-grandparents
32 third great-grandparents
64 fourth great-grandparents
128 fifth great-grandparents
256 sixth great-grandparents
512 seventh great-grandparents
1,024 eighth great-grandparents
2,048 ninth great-grandparents

For you to be born today from 12 previous generations, you needed a total of 4,094 ancestors over the last 400 years.

Think for a moment — How many struggles?  How many battles?  How many difficulties?  How much sadness?  How much happiness?  How many love stories?  How many expressions of hope for the future?  — did your ancestors have to undergo for you to exist in this present moment… right here … right now… reading this? 

So…somewhere around the year 1560, God decides He’s going to make you, and to do that, he needs those 4,094 of your ancestors to line up JUST right…ain’t that something…

Although

Honestly

It was all decided much longer ago than that.

I have questions

Guys, close your eyes.

Imagine you have a daughter.

Imagine she is dating a guys just like you.

Did you smile?

No?

Then Change!

Always work on two projects at once.  That way you can procrastinate on project A by messing around on project B, and when you get tired of project B you can waste time by working on project A.  You will be twice as productive while doing nothing but procrastinate.

I had some snotty teenager (14/15 or so) screech at me for “misgendering” her.  I leaned in, took a very deep and loud sniff, looked her dead in the eyes and said, “nope, I can smell your estrogen and see your rather large breasts.  You are all woman.” And she flipped out!  They absolutely loathe it when someone doesn’t play into their fantasy.

This one was forwarded to me by Steve.  Thanks brother.

Biden Admin Giving Illegals $2,200 Per Month Welfare
Only $1,400 to US Retirees

For National Release: August 22, 2023

Army Colonel Douglas Macgregor’s interview with Tucker Carlson reveals many lies and deceptions aimed at the American public about the war in Ukraine and the Biden-Harris border disaster, where unprecedented numbers of illegals are flooding America with expectations for them to vote for Democrats in 2024.

The full video of the MacGregor-Carlson interview is available on Twitter (HERE), YouTube (HERE), and many other platforms.

While the interview focuses on the illegal war US elites are conducting against Russia in Ukraine, Colonel Macgregor mentions the invasion of America here at home, stating at 26:05 in the video…

“A person who works all his life and then tries to draw on social security can expect a monthly payment of probably $1,400 if they’re lucky. We hand every alleged asylum seeker illegal migrant pouring into the border in Texas… we hand them $2,200, and we put them on that 2200 dollar diet from there on out per month! Yet, somebody who works all his life… retires, and draws social security gets $1,400. The Afghans who were hanging on to the planes… they receive $2,200 per month.“

ALIPAC has isolated this clip and is launching the short version on social media at…

Illegals get $2200 but only $1400 for US Retirees (Youtube)
https://youtu.be/M1rTgBPOTqc

Illegals get $2200, but only $1400 for US Retirees (Twitter)
https://twitter.com/ALIPAC/status/1694041520737832973?s=20

Illegals get $2200, but only $1400 for US Retirees (Facebook)
https://fb.watch/mAHcckkDjR/

Tucker Carlson reprises this information near the end of the interview at 50.08 in the video, positing that Americans might ask, “I’m getting $1,400 bucks a month for in retirement that I paid into my entire life, and you just show up (illegally) from Congo and you are getting $2,200 bucks!?“

For more information about how American citizens are being harmed and abused in many ways by illegal immigration and the politicians and government employees supporting this invasion, please visit www.ALIPAC.us.

Nobody else is that stupid

And the really sad thing is, that as much as everybody with half an ounce of brains realizes that he’s full of crap, he still keeps spouting the same stupid lines. 

Bailong Elevator, also known as the Hundred Dragons Elevator, is a glass elevator located in the Wulingyuan area of Zhangjiajie, China. It is considered to be the world’s tallest outdoor elevator, standing at a height of 1,070 feet.

Here’s some quotes on aging, for all us old folks.  From our own Joe from NJ.  Thanks Joe.

• “We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars … more and more repairs and replacements are necessary. – C.S. Lewis  

• “Old age is like a plane flying through a storm.  Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it.” – Golda Meir 

• “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.”  – Bill Dana   

• “The older I get … the more clearly I remember things that never happened. – Mark Twain

• “Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age.  Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself.” – Tom Wilson.

• “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully.  I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.” – Rita Rudner

• “I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do.” – Phyllis Diller 

• “First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down.” – Leo Rosenberg

• “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get”  – Robert Orben

• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.” – Ann Landers

• “When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist.

• When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric.

• Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labelled senile.”- George Burns

• “I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past.” – Robert Brault

• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” – Andy Rooney

• “Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” – Larry Lorenzon

• “You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.” – John Mendoza

• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.”  – George Carlin

• “I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”  – Bob Hope

• “I don’t do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast.”– Anonymous

• “Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth” – Conan O’Brien

• “I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to” – Albert Einstein

• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.” – J. Norman Collie

• “You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.” – Hy Gardner 

• “When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old.” – Mark Twain

• “There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure.” – Dennis Wolfberg

• “The idea is to die young as late as possible. – Ashley Montagu

• “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” – George Burns

I’m about 99% sure we’ve seen this one before, but it’s worth looking at again.  It’s from brother Joe and it’s called, “How Politics Works”

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.” 

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.’
Bill Gates said, “NO.” 
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.” 

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”

This is how politics works.

 I enjoy math tricks. This one really works! It will take you only about ten seconds and amazingly, it will reveal your all-time favorite movie

I’m pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical calculations.

Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it IS my very favorite movie…EVER!

DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom.  You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is 

1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply that number by 3.

3. Add 3

4. Multiply by 3 again.

5. Your total will be a two digit number.  Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) on the list of 17 movies below:

 

Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joe Biden Resignation Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubt Fire

Now,  isn’t that something!

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute.

He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he’d done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

“Congratulations,” the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. “You did superbly under cross-examination.”

“Thanks,” he said, “but he sure had me worried.”

“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.

“I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!”

They’re back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services : 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight : “Searching for Jesus.” 

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands. 

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you. 

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help. 

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons. 

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.” 

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to 
follow. 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours too! 

One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven.

Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out.

Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.

“Get the owner’s manual!” my daughter’s husband shouted.

“I can’t find it anywhere!” cried my daughter a short time later.

“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen.

 “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual’s burned to a crisp.”

This is an oldie, but I love it!

A Pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR’S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.  The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.00

This was to much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.  The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was Buried the next day

Yet More Church Bulletin Bloopers

*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

*Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

*Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”

*Newsletter! s are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary’s Cathedral.

*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.

*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

*For the word of God is quick and powerful…piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working…

Decisions, Decisions!

And speaking of decisions, I’ve decided that I really need to end this thing, but first…

Today is the final day for our age contest.  I don’t really have anyone entered in the youngest category, so we’ll let that one fall by the side of the road for now, and just stick with the oldest category.  I don’t think I’m letting too much of the cat out of the bag by saying that our current leader is 82.  So, if you can beat that number, write to me quick and let me know.  I’ll give you guys a couple of days and then we’ll start the rest of the project, which, if you remember correctly, involved the interview/questionnaire by email.

Okay, next point…

I’m a little concerned that someone may have switched my daughter with a robot or something while I was gone.  Now hear me out.  There are some things that you just can’t change about a person that fast.  Let me give you a little background to set the stage.  Okay, this is Izzy.  But worse … 

Over the tiniest little spider.  Okay?  Got the picture?  Yesterday, Sunday, I’m walking her out the door to send her walking to work and right by the front door she stops and says, “Oh look.”  And this is what she was referring to:

This honking big spider, about five inches from leg tip to leg tip on the side of my (horribly stained) house.  Then she leans in AND BLOWS ON IT so it spins around so we can see it’s back, in the orientation that it’s in in the picture and she nonchalantly says, “Oh, that’s a Yellow Garden Spider.”

I look her dead in the eye and say, “Who are you?”

And she LAUGHS at me!!! Then turns and walks to work.

I’m telling you…something ain’t right…

And the very best for last.  Remember that Stephen B was sending me a little dragon friend to come live with me?  Well, guess what was waiting on me when I got home…

 

And here he is!!!

 

 

He is truly adorable!  Thank you so very much!  I deeply appreciate him.

And with that I will end this episode of Dragon Laffs and begin the next.  So, until we meet again, May God Bless you all with love and happiness.  And remember…