Okay, here’s the deal.  I am SOOOOO far behind.  It is now 1800 hrs. (6 pm) on Friday night and I am just NOW starting today’s (Saturday’s) issue.  I was supposed to have all day long to work on this.  I took today off work to do so.  But then I had the world’s worst night sleep last night and ended up not getting out of bed until after 0900 this morning, was dragging REALLY bad, then remembered I was supposed to meet a buddy for lunch so I could help him with his resume so he could get a new job working on base with me to get out of the pure crap job he has now, didn’t home from that until 1400 (2pm) and then Izzy reminded me that I promised to take her shopping this afternoon and I wasn’t going to break my promise to her, so we grabbed a pizza on the way home  and … here we are.  And even under normal circumstances it STILL wouldn’t be a big deal, except I am scheduled to make breakfast for “Men’s Breakfast” at the Church tomorrow morning.  My one time a year and have made arrangements to have the door to the Church unlocked at 6 am so I can be ready by 0730 when everyone is expecting to eat, which means that bare minimum I am waking up at 0530.  And after the crappy night last night.  I gotta get some serious sleep tonight.  SO!  I am going to give you guys the very best issue that I can give you in two hours time and then I gotta call it.  I’m going to apologize right now because I KNOW it’s not going to be up to my usual high standards, but I also know, that you will get some laughs and that’s what counts, right?  So, ….

Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ……= Able to bullshit

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ……= Spends lots of time on phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE ……………= Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED …= Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ………= Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY …………….= Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ……= Spouse drinks, too

INDEPENDENT WORKER ………….= Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING ……………..= Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER …………….= Won’t make a decision

AGGRESSIVE …………………= Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS …= Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ……= Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL .= A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES …….= Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT …= Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR ………..= Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED ………………= Back Stabber

LOYAL ……………………..= Can’t get a job anywhere else

From England:

QUIZ CONTESTANTS CONTINUED

National Lottery Jet Set Eamonn Holmes: What’s the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn’t hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er… Mexico?

Family Fortunes
1) Something a blind man might use?
A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France?
F
4) Name a bird with a long Neck?
Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitlers first name?
Heil
8) A famous Scotsman?
Jock
9) Some famous brothers?
Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race?
The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath?
Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers?
A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach?
A deckchair
14) A famous Royal?
Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine?
A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge?
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does ?
Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom?
Decorate
19) A method of securing your home?
Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs?
The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac?
April
22) Something people might be allergic to?
Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed?
Sleep
24) Something you put on walls?
A roof
25) Something Slippery?
A conman
26) A kind of ache?
A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping?
Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white?
A potato
29) Something sold by gypsies?
Bananas
30) Something Red?
My sweater

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: 

“Mary had a little lamb, 
whose fleece was white as snow 
And everywhere that Mary went, 
the lamb was sure to go.” 

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.” 

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said, 

“Mary had a little pig — 
An scrawny little runt. 
He stuck his nose in Mary’s Clothes 
And smelled her little . . .” 

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, “Do you want poetry or prose?” 

“Prose!” the teacher said weakly. 

So Johnny said, ” . . . Asshole.” 

Relaxing with friends

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?

Bacon and legs.

And therein lies my secret…

Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on the street, saying to him: “Here, friend, take a drink outta my jug.”

The man protested, saying he never drank.

Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger and commanded: “Drink!”

The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. “God! That’s awful stuff!”

“Ain’t it, though?” replied the hillbilly. “Now here, you hold the gun on me while I take a swig.”

Here’s an oldie but very much a goodie.  I first heard it as an American Service Member being our hero of the story.

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, “Ma’am, please move your dog. I need that seat.”

The English woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, “You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little FiFi is using that seat?”

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there?”. I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant….Imagine!”

The American didn’t say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

And … Ahhhhh! … Just as I remember it.  A most satisfying ending.

Dragon Dreams and other fantasy stuff!

And my dearest, what if you soar?

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 

If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run–anywhere. 

4. People call at 9 pmand ask, ” Did I wake you ???? “

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out. 

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses. 

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge. 

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

13. You sing along with elevator music 

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse. 

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either. 

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list 

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. 

Also Forward this to every one you can remember 

A young missionary on his first term in Africa is out away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom.

This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him, so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.

He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy.

He closes his eyes, praying … but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.

Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading.

As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.

 

Moral of the story:

 

Don’t try to read between the lions.

A quiz program contestant had to identify famous slogans.

After several correct responses, he was asked, “Which company originated the phrase ‘ Good to the last drop ‘?”

The contestant thought for a moment and replied, ” Otis Elevator? “

Not surprising.  Secretly, ALL girls love dragons.  And why not?  We’re irresistible.  

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn’t keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. 

“Three times,” gasped Manny admiringly. “How’d you do it?” 

“It was easy.” Joe looked down modestly. “I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten- minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I’ll tell you.” 

“I gotta try it,” said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. 

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. “What’s up, Boss?” he asked. “I’ve been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren’t going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?” 

“What twenty minutes?” growled the boss. “Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

This next one is from our good friend and fellow camper, Joe from NJ

Critical info you should know before getting solar. ESPECIALLY if you’re putting it on your roof. I would not trust anything a door to door salesman said. Watch this entire report!

…Joe

My friend asked me where he could meet women who scream loudly in bed…

I took him to a maternity ward.

Whoever has my Voodoo Doll, can you please take some stuffing out of the stomach area?

That is EXACTLY what’s going on!

And THAT is exactly what’s going on!  Why can’t people SEE IT!!!!!!!!

If there really is an alien invasion…does that mean the dating pool has expanded?  Because at this point…maybe it’s worth a shot.

I admire those with hairstyles.  I don’t have a hairstyle.  I have hair.  Most days, it has zero caterpillars in it.  That’s as good as it gets.

I regret to inform you that my brain will think it’s the year 2000 until the day I die. 
When is 30 years ago?
1970. 
How long ago were the ’90s? 
10 years ago. 

Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on.  So I’ve never understood rock climbers.  By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock.  You are done.  You have peaked.  You don’t have to keep climbing rocks.  Unnecessary.

We were driving past a cemetery and my Dad said in a dead serious quiet voice, “I know something you don’t know about this place.  The people living in the town aren’t allowed to be buried here.”  And I was really confused so I asked why and he said, “Because they’re still alive.”

Have you ever thought, “I’m fat.  I’m old.  I’m worn out.”

I was young once.  To all my female friends from 50 years old and up:  Most of us are going through the next phase of our lives.  We’re at that age where we see wrinkles, gray hair, and extra pounds.  We see the cute 25-year-olds and reminisce.  But we were also 25, just as they will one day be our age.  We aren’t the “girls in their summer clothes” anymore.  What they bring to the table with their youth and zest, we bring our wisdom and experience.  We have raised families, run households, paid the bills, dealt with diseases, sadness, and everything else life has assigned us.  Some of us have lost those that were nearest and dearest to us.  We are survivors.  We are warriors in the quiet.  We are women, like a classic car or a fine wine.  Even if our bodies aren’t what they once were, they carry our souls, our courage, and our strength.  We shall all enter this chapter our our lives with humility, grace, and pride over everything we have been through, and we should never feel bad about getting older.  It’s a privilege that is denied to so many.

Amen and well said.

Paddy goes to his friend Mike and says, “I’m sleeping with Jack’s wife.  Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?”

Mike doesn’t like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to Jack, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally Jack gets annoyed and asks Mike what he’s really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confessed to Jack, “Paddy is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

Jack smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike’s shoulder and says, “You better hurry home now.  My wife died a year ago.”

Please ignore the “Best Before Date” on a can of baked beans.

They are the WORST thing you can eat, before going on a date.

And that my dear friends has got to wrap it up!  Don’t forget about our contest.  I haven’t had ANYONE try for the youngest reader yet.  No one’s willing to go out on t hat ledge?  Okay, don’t we even have any 30 year old readers?  Come on folks!!!!  I’m really trying here!!!

Until Monday, everyone of you, stay blessed of the Lord.