And just like that

It’s Saturday again.  The weekend is here.  I’m starting this one on the Sunday before, just because…um…I am starting this on the Sunday before.  I’m predicting it’s going to be an interesting week.  Mostly because I’ve got some really stupid…er…I mean, I’ve got some really important, yeah, important things to take care of this week.  So, unless I finish this tonight, which is doubtful, I’ll try and keep you guys updated. 

But, let’s start with some laughter and then get into some comments and some other stuff.

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonald’s’.

I have SO MANY questions.

This is a cute one from Leah D.

Which word does not belong?

beekeeper, dumbbell, dumbstruck, untruthful

I’ll tell you in a second…

Answer to the little riddle…

Dumbbell.  All the other words have only one of the vowels (a, e, i, o, u)

“I NEED A PODIATRIST!!!  THIS INGROWN NAIL IS KILLING ME!!!”

(Okay, so I freely admit, it’s not my best work)

On a thundering rainy day, Mom went to pick up her six year old son from school thinking that he would be afraid of the lightning.  But she found him smiling at the sky for every lightning flash. 

She asks, “Why are you smiling?”

Her son replied, “God is taking my pictures and I need to look good.”

Life is simple.  We complicate it.

Finding out stripper poles spin in place instead of strippers around the poles, is the grown-ups finding out Santa isn’t real.

Is it not always that way with our wives?

I judge people by how they treat animals, how they treat the waitstaff at restaurants and what they do with their shopping cart when they’re done with it.

Dragon Laffs Northern Headquarters

Because we teach our kids that we always attack what’s different?

Sometimes, all you need is for someone just to be there, even if they can’t solve your problems.  Just knowing there is someone who cares can make all the difference.

That’s the same recipe that grief requires.  Someone to talk to and someone to listen.  If given the opportunity or the need, be one or the other…the one who talks or the one who listens.

I end a lot of my sentences with “just saying” because ending the sentence with “dumb ass” would probably be considered offensive.

Here’s a bunch of really cute ones by really little kids…

You will never understand the damage you did to someone until the same thing is done to you.  
That’s why I’m here.
–Karma

Know the difference between those who stay to feed the soil and those who come to grab the fruit.

Okay, that’s just wrong!!

I have now learnt the true meaning of old age.  Yesterday, as I lay basking on my verandah, my wife, who was engaged in some domestic maintenance, came to me and said, “Darling, what I need is a really long screw.”

Without a single thought, I went out to the shed to look for one.

Tapping our oil reserves instead of drilling is as stupid as tapping your 401k instead of going to work.

I think we can conclude that the “Time Out” generation didn’t produce as good of citizens as the “Ass Beating” generation.

Inoculate your kids against socialism by having them clean the bathroom.  Pay them $10.  Then take away $7 and give it to their sibling who didn’t help.

Socialism won’t seem so attractive then!

Nothing says, “We’re lying our asses off,” quite like saying, “We’re going after the rich!” and then wanting to know everyone’s bank account activity over $600.

There’s not “A Wide Range Of Genders.”

There are Two Genders and a Wide Range Of Mental Disorders.

If your students know your political affiliation you have failed as a teacher.  Teachers are there to help students think for themselves not think like you.

If you believe a 3.5 trillion dollar spending bill will cost us “$0”, you are as dumb as they think you are.

97% of Scientists Agree with Whoever is Funding Them.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ”Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed…”

The mother interupts him. ”Stop right there!! Wait ’till daddy comes home!!”

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ”I’m leaving you.”

The father, bewildered, slowly asks ”Why!?! What did I do??”

The mother turns to Johnny and says ” tell daddy exactly what you told me today!”

”I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.”

I really like the picture of this squirrel.  Just as much as this one..

So, I have to play with it a bit, but…

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. “No doubt about it,” one deputy said to the other. “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” 

“You’re right,” the other deputy replied. “Double murder and suicide. But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say ‘it could have been worse’.” 

“No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn’t be worse. You’re on.” 

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw t! he man on the floor with the gun by his side. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. “But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.” 

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse??” 

“Yes it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!” 

Were it that easy.

“My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she’d have killed him if we hadn’t stopped her.” 

“He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?” 

“No, that’s not what made her the maddest.” 

“It’s not?” 

“No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains.” 

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: “Tower, I’m holding at 3000 over Heli-pad 1.”

Second voice: “NO!!! You can’t be doing that! I’m holding at 3000 over that pad!”

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: “You idiot! You’re my co-pilot!”

I really like this picture.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

If McDonald’s sold hotdogs, would you be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it?

So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t.

That must be frustrating.

Someone said, “30 years ago” and my mind went, “Ah yes!  The 1970’s”, but they meant 1992, and now I need to lie down.

People giving directions like “Head South”…

Listen Lewis and Clark, do I turn at the Chick-Fil-A or go towards Target?

I don’t think that word means what you think it means…

The Correct Term for “gluten-free sugarless vegan brownies” is “compost”.

I concur.  That’s 209.66°F

And with that we’re going to call it a day.  Thanks for all your attention, wonderful comments and feedback, and support.  Until we meet again, may God Bless you and yours with Love and Happiness.