Dragon Laffs #2065


Today is Saturday!!

And Saturday is a Special Day!

Why is Saturday a Special Day, you may ask?

Well, I am going to tell you Why Saturday is a Special Day…

Saturday is a Special Day because Saturday is …

I hope and pray that you have a GREAT day.  Much love and happiness to you and your wonderful little family.  I hope I get a chance to see you guys tonight after work. 

And speaking of work, I will be working and teaching my first class back after … geez … a LONG time.  I don’t even remember when the last class was that I taught.  I’ll have to let you guys know how my class goes.  I’m hoping that I don’t have to push myself too hard, so that I can make the hour and a half trip to see the Whelpling after work, drop his little birthday present off and drive back an hour and a half and still be home in time to pick Izzy up after work. 

So we’ll see.  In the mean time, we’ll get our laugh on and get things moving in the direction we want them to move in.  So…..

We used to have Village Idiots, but with the internet, they have gone global.

Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands.

Follow me for more money saving tips.

This is what it looks like when the vending machine breaks.

Customer:  I’d like a cappuccino – no chocolate on top, no foam, and no milk.

Me:  …so…you’d like a black coffee?

Customer:  No.  I only like cappuccino.  I WANT a cappuccino!

Me:  [makes a black coffee]

Customer:  Perfect!  I don’t understand why you had to be so difficult about it.

“HEY YOU KIDS!  GET OFF MY LAWN!”

Gotta wonder how old that cartoon is…

I had a new refrigerator delivered today and they had the nerve to send me one that wasn’t pre-cooled.  I obviously denied the refrigerator and sent it back.  I didn’t spend $1,460 for a warm box.  I want my fridge to be cold when it arrives.  Duh!  The dumb driver looked at me like I’m the bad guy.  What happened to the customer is always right?  Customer service has really gone down the drain.

I have a friend that has a trophy wife.  By the looks of her, it wasn’t for first place.

I don’t always listen to Classic Rock…

BUT WHEN I DO, SO DO THE NEIGHBORS!!

“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN!”

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”.

Paddy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Mick out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”.

And sure enough, there’s Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead.”

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. “I suppose the saw finally did him in.”

“No”, says the nurse, “Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”

How do you walk 3,000 miles through Mexico “without food or support” and show up at the border 100 lbs overweight with cell phones?

So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

Based on the amount of laundry we have in my house, I’m going to assume there are people living here I’ve not met yet.

I called my job from jail to tell them why I can’t make it.  Those jerks bailed me out and made me go back to work.

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh and eat a zebra or whatever.

Because it’s the people in power who are adding the numbers up!

Let’s do a little mail…

jhjoseph

4 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2063

I have come to the conclusion that we have compatible interests in funny materials. I laugh at almost everything you publish, which is very very unusual in most publications. Thanks again for a funny day.

Thank you sir!  Ma’am?  I’m going with sir.  Anyway, thank you.  I’m glad that I can bring a smile to your face and that our funny-bones are bent in the same directions.  I think you’ll find that many people on the list of subscribers feel the same way…otherwise they don’t last long.  We are all bent in the same direction.  But you saying so is deeply appreciated.

Leah D

4 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2063

No, I do not want to go on your diet.
So, Saturday morning I am at my computer, Don is watching tv news in living room.
BOOM! and it felt like the floor underneath me raised up an fell like a round bubble. We look at each other, “Earthquake? But they don’t go BOOM”. I said, “Maybe China or Russia sent a rocket?” That was too much for my husband’s dementia singed brain, and he began a litany that made no sense. I cut in with, “Maybe it’s Kennecott” (the largest mine in Utah that sits on one side of the Salt Lake Valley) I said maybe he should go check out the garage (which is underneath the top floor where we were at) maybe it was an earthquake and caused something to blow up. The news was fast to report from the Governor, National Guard, Hill Air Force base, a resounding “Not me!” They said it could have been a meteor. Today they finally said for sure it was a meteor. Last time it happened was in 1972. 50 years ago? Good! ‘Cause I won’t live another 50 to hear and feel the next one.

I’m glad you agree on my “diet”. 

I read about your meteor and saw a really lousy video of it on TV.  Sounds like it was pretty exciting.  What was the old proverb/curse?  “May you live in interesting times.”  Keep your head down, Leah, we would miss you around here.

And that is that.  Happy Birthday again to my son.  I hope he has a wonderful day!  If I get to visit him tonight like I hope, maybe I’ll send you guys a picture…maybe. 

Just a heads up that donation time is coming soon, I’ll probably start talking about that next week, so get your pennies and nickels ready.

And my hopes and prayers for each and every one of you is for you all to have a WONDERFUL rest of your weekend.  Get some rest and have some fun.

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4 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2065

  1. jhjoseph says:

    Happy Birthday to your son who is lucky to have a dad who makes perhaps everyone in your family laugh daily. Thanks for posting my comments. Yes you presumed correctly, I am a male–Joe Holtzman to be exact. I do love your site and much of what you publish. Thanks. Joe Holtzman

  2. Maggie C says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!!! to the Whelpling. mine is tuesday

  3. Stephanie says:

    Happy birthday, Kid.

  4. Alan F says:

    Happy birthday to your son. Hope you have (had) a good time together.

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