Dragon Laffs #2063


So, it’s Saturday morning and I’m working on Monday’s issue.  You guys should be reading Saturday’s issue while I’m writing this one.  More Dragon Laffs Time Travel.  Gotta Love It! 

Anyway, it’s early enough in the day that I’ve really got nothing to talk about first thing, nothing to rant about unless I start in again about the raid on Trump down in Florida or something to that effect.  We’ve had another police office shot here locally.  We’ve recently had a young officer killed who also happened to be an Army Vet and now we have a young lady who is a K-9 officer who is fighting for her life after being shot during a routine traffic stop.  Both perpetrators are in custody, so whatever it was they hoped to accomplish they didn’t.  People are still screaming to defund the Police and we wonder why it’s so hard to get police hired.  It’s a damn shame. 

And in a lot of places, both of those perpetrators would already be back out on the streets with either no bail or very low bail. 

Sorry, not here in THIS PART of Indiana!  If I remember correctly, the mook who shot and killed the young man from Elwood was out on bond from shooting at the police in Indianapolis!  So, what the hell?!?!

So, I guess I did have something to talk about this morning, but at this point, we need to change lanes, speed up, and 

Lynn sent this to me and I like it a lot:

God is saying to you tonight…I know you are going through a difficult time in your life right now, and you are dealing with multiple circumstances and a lot of emotional pain.  It seems as though before you can get through one thing, another thing happens.  I don’t always still the storm around you, sometimes I still the storm raging in you.  Don’t give up.  I am strengthening you in areas you can’t even see right now.  You and I will get through this together, like we always do.  Everything will be alright.  Trust in Me.

Some of you may have needed to hear that also.  And if so…thank Lynn.  Thanks, Lynn.

Girlfriend:  How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant? 

Me:  Leave that to me. 

[Later at Dinner]

Her Dad: [coughs] I need water… 

Me:  Oh no!  Grandpa needs water!

She danced like no one was watching…

but they were watching, and she looked like she’d had 12 shots of Jack and walked into a spiderweb.  

Ain’t I romantic?

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

“Hello, I’m here for a job interview.”

“Great, and do you have any experience?”

“Yes, this is my 20th interview.”

If you fall down in public just say, “It’s been a long time since I inhabited a body.” and walk away.

Yes baby!  That is VERY romantic!

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake.  For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake.  One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.  The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.  The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires.  The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.  The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire.  The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.

The next day, the battle began.  All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight.  The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat.  So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage.  The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

So, my son, the Whelpling, just texted me, out of the blue with:  I own a musket for home defense, since that’s what the founding fathers intended.  Four ruffians break into my house. 

“What the devil!” As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle.  I blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he’s dead on the spot.  Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it’s smoothbore and instead it nails the neighbor’s dog. 

I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot.  “Tally-Ho, Lads!” I yell, as the grapeshot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. 

Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion.  He bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up.

Just as the founding fathers intended. 

I reply with: “ROFLMAO!!  Nice!”

And he comes back and says to me, Yeah, but now XXX (his wife’s name) says I have to find some place else for the cannon.  She doesn’t like it at the top of the stairs.

WHAT?!?!

I was pretty sure it was all a joke and we were just kidding around.  Are you telling me …?!?!?!  Son?  Whelpling?

And now he won’t answer me.  I’m PRETTY sure he was joking…but with the Whelpling…

WARNING!

Stay away from natural foods.
Most people die from Natural Causes.

Braggart!

My brother Jon and I were fishing last summer, not having any luck he told me to we needed to move. I turned the key….nothing so I looked things over and turned it again….nothing, again….nothing! I told him “no problem, we can row to shore” then it him me, I left the oars laying in the yard at home!

Stranded my Brother said, “What now dipshit?”

“Don’t worry. Somebody is going to come by.” I answered.

Just then around the bend came my new Englishman neighbor and two ladies with parasols. I yelled out, “Could I borrow one of your oars?”

The Englishmen said, “Them’s not oars! One’s me wife and the other’s me sister.”

Feeling sick, my sister Lisa grabbed the thermometer from Mom’s drawer and popped it into her mouth.

“Uh, Lisa, that’s the dog’s thermometer” Mom yelled. Lisa spit it out “Ewww, that was in Molly’s mouth?!”

Mom hesitated before replying, “Not exactly.”

Yesterday I went to buy a new shirt, and after much perusing I chose one which was really natty. Much to my surprise, I found a note inside the shirt with a woman’s name and e-mail address asking the recipient to upload a photograph.

So, I promptly e-mailed off a note with one of my photos.

This morning I received an e-mail from her which read, “Thanks for

writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would even buy such a goofy shirt.”

Story of my life!

Does anyone really still think it was “accidental”?

Or worse, maybe stick it in the other end, would be more of an accurate depiction.  

Our country will become a better place, when EVERYONE realizes there are only two kinds of people in it.  GOOD People and BAD People.

ETHNICITY doesn’t matter.

“I Don’t Pay Attention To Politics…”
is one of the most ignorant statements a person can make.  If you allow people in your government to commit crimes in your name without questioning their actions, YOU are just as GUILTY as they are!

Remember:  When something goes wrong at the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the audience.  Well, something has gone very wrong with this circus, and the clowns are everywhere.

Does it not bother anyone else that they are not even TRYING to hide it any more?

That used to be the punishment for Treason.  The punishment was death.  And it was carried out in the most public way possible, which was a public hanging, in order to insure that others got the correct message.

Leah D

7 Hours Ago

Dragon Laffs #2602

I want your diet! I realize not having Mary in the kitchen has to be a big part of it.
I strongly advise you to get every surgery you are contemplating done as soon as you can. If you want to enjoy your 70’s, better get ready now because by 70 they start thinking it is too dangerous to operate on you.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but in case you missed it, you really DON’T want to know my diet secrets.  It started about a year and a half or so ago, maybe a little more when I was at my heaviest and you guys may remember I started talking more and more about Mary getting sicker and sicker and me having to take her more often to the doctor.  Well, that was my diet secret…Stress, depression, overwork, more stress, more depression.  Putting a smile on my face for my family when I didn’t feel like smiling.  Feeding everyone else in the house when I didn’t feel like eating.  I realized at the time that there were days in a row that my entire food intake for an entire day was a pack of six peanut butter crackers…and I wondered why I didn’t need insulin any more.  I had lost 60 pounds before I even noticed I had lost ANY pounds.  And then Mary got sick again and went in the hospital and didn’t come home again.
Well, she did.  But, she came home in an urn.  And since then I’ve lost almost another 60 pounds.  More stress, more depression…
So please.  No.  You really don’t want my diet.  Because it takes God’s intervention (Thank you Heavenly Father) to make the weight loss stop.  At least I think it has stopped.  If I go back to the doctor weighing significantly less than last time, she’s going to be pissed at me.
As far as surgeries go, I’m strong as an ox.  The doctors will tell me when I need to quit and quit having surgeries.  As far as I’m concerned, I’ll keep going until my body tells me I can’t go anymore.  I can’t go like I used to…by no means, but I can still go and I plan on still going until I can’t.  Mary wouldn’t want me to quit, so I’m not going to.
I hope I answered your questions.

You know what really bothers me?

Other people’s hang-ups…

I mean, if I’m calling you and giving you the chance to extend the warranty of your car, why wouldn’t you talk to me?

~ From the mind of David Benjamin Gruenbaum

THE OPPOSITE OF CROISSANT IS A HAPPY UNCLE.

And that about does it for today my friends.  May your week be filled with love and happiness and may you all  be well until we meet again further down the line.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2063

  1. Leah D says:

    No, I do not want to go on your diet.
    So, Saturday morning I am at my computer, Don is watching tv news in living room.
    BOOM! and it felt like the floor underneath me raised up an fell like a round bubble. We look at each other, “Earthquake? But they don’t go BOOM”. I said, “Maybe China or Russia sent a rocket?” That was too much for my husband’s dementia singed brain, and he began a litany that made no sense. I cut in with, “Maybe it’s Kennecott” (the largest mine in Utah that sits on one side of the Salt Lake Valley) I said maybe he should go check out the garage (which is underneath the top floor where we were at) maybe it was an earthquake and caused something to blow up. The news was fast to report from the Governor, National Guard, Hill Air Force base, a resounding “Not me!” They said it could have been a meteor. Today they finally said for sure it was a meteor. Last time it happened was in 1972. 50 years ago? Good! ‘Cause I won’t live another 50 to hear and feel the next one.

  2. jhjoseph says:

    I have come to the conclusion that we have compatible interests in funny materials. I laugh at almost everything you publish, which is very very unusual in most publications. Thanks again for a funny day.

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