So, it’s Saturday morning and I’m working on Monday’s issue. You guys should be reading Saturday’s issue while I’m writing this one. More Dragon Laffs Time Travel. Gotta Love It!
Anyway, it’s early enough in the day that I’ve really got nothing to talk about first thing, nothing to rant about unless I start in again about the raid on Trump down in Florida or something to that effect. We’ve had another police office shot here locally. We’ve recently had a young officer killed who also happened to be an Army Vet and now we have a young lady who is a K-9 officer who is fighting for her life after being shot during a routine traffic stop. Both perpetrators are in custody, so whatever it was they hoped to accomplish they didn’t. People are still screaming to defund the Police and we wonder why it’s so hard to get police hired. It’s a damn shame.
And in a lot of places, both of those perpetrators would already be back out on the streets with either no bail or very low bail.
Sorry, not here in THIS PART of Indiana! If I remember correctly, the mook who shot and killed the young man from Elwood was out on bond from shooting at the police in Indianapolis! So, what the hell?!?!
So, I guess I did have something to talk about this morning, but at this point, we need to change lanes, speed up, and
Lynn sent this to me and I like it a lot:
God is saying to you tonight…I know you are going through a difficult time in your life right now, and you are dealing with multiple circumstances and a lot of emotional pain. It seems as though before you can get through one thing, another thing happens. I don’t always still the storm around you, sometimes I still the storm raging in you. Don’t give up. I am strengthening you in areas you can’t even see right now. You and I will get through this together, like we always do. Everything will be alright. Trust in Me.
Some of you may have needed to hear that also. And if so…thank Lynn. Thanks, Lynn.
Girlfriend: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me.
[Later at Dinner]
Her Dad: [coughs] I need water…
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
She danced like no one was watching…
but they were watching, and she looked like she’d had 12 shots of Jack and walked into a spiderweb.
Ain’t I romantic?
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
“Hello, I’m here for a job interview.”
“Great, and do you have any experience?”
“Yes, this is my 20th interview.”
If you fall down in public just say, “It’s been a long time since I inhabited a body.” and walk away.
Yes baby! That is VERY romantic!
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
So, my son, the Whelpling, just texted me, out of the blue with: I own a musket for home defense, since that’s what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house.
“What the devil!” As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. I blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he’s dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it’s smoothbore and instead it nails the neighbor’s dog.
I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot. “Tally-Ho, Lads!” I yell, as the grapeshot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms.
Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up.
Just as the founding fathers intended.
I reply with: “ROFLMAO!! Nice!”
And he comes back and says to me, Yeah, but now XXX (his wife’s name) says I have to find some place else for the cannon. She doesn’t like it at the top of the stairs.
I was pretty sure it was all a joke and we were just kidding around. Are you telling me …?!?!?! Son? Whelpling?
And now he won’t answer me. I’m PRETTY sure he was joking…but with the Whelpling…
Stay away from natural foods.
Most people die from Natural Causes.
My brother Jon and I were fishing last summer, not having any luck he told me to we needed to move. I turned the key….nothing so I looked things over and turned it again….nothing, again….nothing! I told him “no problem, we can row to shore” then it him me, I left the oars laying in the yard at home!
Stranded my Brother said, “What now dipshit?”
“Don’t worry. Somebody is going to come by.” I answered.
Just then around the bend came my new Englishman neighbor and two ladies with parasols. I yelled out, “Could I borrow one of your oars?”
The Englishmen said, “Them’s not oars! One’s me wife and the other’s me sister.”
Feeling sick, my sister Lisa grabbed the thermometer from Mom’s drawer and popped it into her mouth.
“Uh, Lisa, that’s the dog’s thermometer” Mom yelled. Lisa spit it out “Ewww, that was in Molly’s mouth?!”
Mom hesitated before replying, “Not exactly.”
Yesterday I went to buy a new shirt, and after much perusing I chose one which was really natty. Much to my surprise, I found a note inside the shirt with a woman’s name and e-mail address asking the recipient to upload a photograph.
So, I promptly e-mailed off a note with one of my photos.
This morning I received an e-mail from her which read, “Thanks for
writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would even buy such a goofy shirt.”
Story of my life!