Good Morning Campers,
Cold week, this week. This is what I had Wednesday morning:Can you see the circled bit? That says negative 48 wind-chill. FORTY-EIGHT DEGREES BELOW ZERO!!!!!!!! I don’t think I have EVER seen temperatures that low before in my life.
Right now, 6:15 pm on Wednesday night, it is –9 degrees with a –22 degree wind-chill. So we’ve had a 50% increase in temperature and wind-chill and it’s still below zero and right now is the warmest it’s been all day.
I’m telling you…it’s friggin’ cold!
So, we need this…
Late one night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’ ‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’ Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.’Where’s my toast?’
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘ Rose , what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Do I know her?’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
I can absolutely attest to the fact that Arthritis can feel like and mimic crush nuts.
My Life Is Just A Series Of Awkward And Humiliating Moments Separated By Snacks.
Fell off my bike
Fell out of a tree
Twisted my ankle
Sat down too long
Sneezed too hard
I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
My bank has informed me that Facebook friends can not be used as references for a car loan.
You guys are useless.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it gets all brown and soggy?
Cookies don’t do that.
The first person who ever inhaled helium must have been so damn relieved when the effect wore off.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
“Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke o’ some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied .
“You left Henry layin’ out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one’s gonna steal Henry!”
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying… “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana…”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ’cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. —– I never did understand it neither”
In this particular Sunday sermon, the minister began, “Dear Lord,” with arms extended toward heaven and a Rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we Are but dust.”
He would have continued, but at that Moment my normally very obedient daughter (who was Listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly In her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”
Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings, a daughter wrote home to her father, who happened to be a veterinarian, asking for money to buy a second-hand motorcycle.
By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind and bought a monkey instead.
After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair.
Hoping her father would know how to cure it, she wrote him a letter. “Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my monkey. What should I do?”
A couple of days later, she received a reply from her worried father. It read, “Sell the damn motorcycle!”
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?”
When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Janice, and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Savior.”
But Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice, and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!” …
The teacher fainted!
America, if you don’t pay any attention to anything else I say, please pay attention to this:
A Super Bowl Sunday message from a Marine Corps Colonel in Afghanistan:
“So with all the kindness I can muster, I give this one piece of advice to the next pop star who is asked to sing the national anthem at a sporting event: save the vocal gymnastics and the physical gyrations for your concerts. Just sing this song the way you were taught to sing it in kindergarten – straight up, no styling.
Sing it with the constant awareness that there are soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines watching you from bases and outposts all over the world. Don’t make them cringe with your self-centered ego gratification.
Sing it as if you are standing before a row of 96-year-old WWII vets wearing their Purple Hearts, Silver Stars and flag pins on their cardigans and you want them to be proud of you for honoring them and the country they love – not because you want them to think you are a superstar musician. They could see that from your costume, makeup and your entourage.
Sing ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ with the courtesy and humility that tells the audience that it is about America, not you. And please not everything needs to be punked up! We’re getting a little weary of that. Francis Scott Key does not need any help.”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So, I popped his balloon with my cigar and told him so was talking to strangers.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can’t help but stop and think, “Yup, I’m about to get my first assault charge!”
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’
The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a Democrat’s brain; $200 for a Republican’s brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to ‘try’ to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the Democrats brain so much more than a Republicans brain?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.”
So, freeing temperatures all week…Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday…
Wake up Friday morning to butt deep snow…
And today, while you are reading this we are on our way to 50 degree weather!!!!!
Gee, Impish. Why are you and everyone else in Indiana sick?
Hmm, maybe a 70 degree temperature change in less than 48 hours has something to friggin’ do about it.
That’s what they say about Indiana…if you don’t like the weather, wait a minute.
You guys know I’ve been a little depressed lately and you know why … by the way, Papa Dragon Most Senior seems to be doing well. Anyway, I got an email from Mom Diaman that was titled, this will make you feel better. And it did. Thanks Mom! And I’m going to share half of it with you here:
And we’ll get the other half next week!
And to wrap up today’s issue, let’s throw in some Motivationals…
And that’s it for this week my friends. Until next week!