Morning DragonLaffers….
Coffee and Monday all in one graphic.…ya gotta love it!
WOW! You all look terrible! Icky green pallor, lethargic, one hand covering either your stomach or mouths. Oh! I GET IT! Easter candy after effect coupled with with sugar induced near comas! I know Impish so over did it he is in a coma currently or must be, he didn’t even blink or flinch when we started power washing all the smeared melted chocolate off him.
Well double espressos no sugar all around. That should help some until the effects wear off. Now lets get some air in those lungs, a little adrenaline and endorphins in the blood stream and a twinkle back in those eyes….
Let’s Laugh Until You Feel Better
Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’ The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning. ‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man. ‘Hmmm….let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’ ‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.. ‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’ ‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response… ‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’ BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
A woman in her thirties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Knob,” where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.” Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful-the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She said, “No point asking about the beard then……….!”
We were all green once and didn’t know it
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”
That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn’t have the green thing back in her
day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she’s right. They didn’t have the green
thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right,
they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. But they didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn’t have the green thing
back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t
need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But that old lady is right. They didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
I have to admit while not quite as green as this lady’s, my youth was certainly 90% of that and a whole lot greener than any of my second cousins or my nephews, let alone the current generation. I still have and prefer to use a fountain pen to write actual hand written notes and cards. In fact I sign all documents and contracts with one. But I have an idea that could make us a whole lot greener by 2013:
The Answering Machine
“Hello. You have reached Nana and Gramps. We’re not able to come to the phone right now. If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select from 1 to 5 in order of “arrival” so we know who it is.
If you need us to watch your children, press 2.
If you want to borrow our car, press 3.
If you want us to do your laundry, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If you want us to have you to dinner on Sunday or to bring it to your house, press 7.
If you need money, press 8.
If you are calling to invite us to dinner or a movie, start talking; we are listening
.”
Opt Out of Being Tracked Most Everywhere You Go
On-Line Easily and Quickly
It’s no secret that advertisers are buy tracking you online or that it’s big business. They’re like a pack of bloodhounds set on a fugitive. You’ll see ads following you from site to site and ads for things you have recently looked at on-line popping up on the homepage of your browser. It can be very creepy and unsettling. To make matters worse they are using your own computer to do it to you and oft times at the detriment of its performance for you. Personally I find this extremely annoying, I mean I already pay a pile of money for advertisers to have easy access to me in the form of my TV and cable fees. Now they want to monopolize my computer too?
There is a lot of buzz about opt-out systems. Most major browsers have anti-tracking technology built in. However, it will take a while for that to become mainstream or for people to learn to locate it and use it consistently. Plus by then the advertisers will have found a work around to it. Advertising is a billion dollar a year industry so they are not doing to sit idly and just be shut out.
Today’s Leprechaun Tech Talk/ DragonLaffs PSA site will help you to opt-out of being tracked right now. You can see a list of the tracking cookies on your computer. Plus, you can see what companies haven’t started tracking you yet. You can choose to opt-out of every advertiser or should you wish (Lord only knows why you also select only specific advertisers to opt-out of. Clicking an advertiser’s link tells you more about it.
The system works by placing an opt-out cookie for each advertiser you select. Those cookies are good for several years. They should keep your activities from being tracked. Currently (as of writing this) it covers 119 advertisers domains.
Note that this doesn’t cover every advertiser out there. Some other advertisers deliberately don’t make it very easy to opt-out of their systems by burying request links requiring you to e-mail them (which they ignore) or make the request via snail mail in writing. Being thrown out of your computer and personal life on their arse while in the best interest of you & your privacy is not in their best financial interest so the less scrupulous ones will do what ever they can to discourage you from successfully making the request(s). Others use flash cookies which are all together entirely different technology despite the similar sounding names.
You should also know that, clearing of your browser’s cookies during a standard disk clean up clears the opt-out cookies as well. You will want to bookmark this site and check back occasionally to replace the lost cookies.
[A tip o’ the Tam-o’-shanter to KimKommando.com for the topic idea and some of the info that appears here]
Here’s a DragonLaffs Tip to help you go Green effortlessly…..
Just recycle all your old Charlie Sheen jokes and turn them into Nicholas Cage jokes! BAM! Your funny, topical and Green all at the same time and no unsightly old moldy jokes laying about! Impish has been recycling his jokes for years!
And Charlie Sheen…and Nicholas Cage…see how simple and easy it is?
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,
‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.
When he yelled ‘BELL 2!’, the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ‘BELL 3!’, they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled ‘BELL 4!’
‘What the hell is BELL 4?’ asked the husband?
‘ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,’ she replied ‘ YOU’RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.’
Dragon Laffs 