Dragon Laffs #1123

Good Morning Campers! It is another brand new day and the beginning of another brand new week! If you are awake and reading this then….You didn’t get turned into a Zombie in the middle of the night! If, on the other-hand, you are drooling in your coffee, chunks of your egg and toast are falling down the front of you, and you have no idea who or where you are…I’m horribly sorry. You’ve become one of Georgie Romero’s chosen.

So, to all of you who have woken up human this morning, again, congratulations. We hope you are enjoying our new layout for Dragon Laffs. For us, it is a much cleaner, easier and less time consuming way to give you a good product at a great price. Judging by the comments and the hits we have been getting, it seems we are doing a pretty good job. Not many blogs on their first couple of days out come up with 500 hits or more per day. And that, our dear and loyal campers, is all your doing. You have been the ones who’ve pursued us from one format to the next. We know that you will help us make an even bigger splash here than we did on yahoo groups. I will continue to send out email reminders and we will keep yahoo groups open for Dragon Laffs Extras and what-not, but set yourself up on some schedule or reminder to check the website for updates.

If you have any suggestions or comments we’d love to hear them, and in the meantime….

This one is perfect! D.A.D.D. = Dad’s Against Daughters Dating. Specifically notice the high-powered rifle and the cross-hairs. Don’t let the little teenage boy doubt for even one second what your intentions will be if his intentions aren’t honorable. You can also feel free to mention the _____ (Vietnam War, First Gulf War, Second Gulf War, or other) flashbacks you’ve been having and how you accidently gouged the eyes out of the mailman while in the middle of an “episode.” The little S.O.B. will think twice before he lays his hands on your precious princess!

Okay, this one is GREAT fun: http://www.wimp.com/tiltedroom/

For those of you who have been retired or separated for a while, this is a brief refresher, and a reminder that some things never change.

Military Rules

US Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won’t work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a ‘4.’
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

US Navy SEAL’s Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from ‘Higher’ to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what’s on HBO.
4. Ask ‘What is a gunfight?’
5. Request more funding from Congress with a ‘killer’ Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & dine ”key’ Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets ‘strategic’ and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy !

And the next… (You’ve got to love the military, and God bless them all.)
U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East . (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)
To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :
1. ‘Eat Pork or Die’ [both English and Arabic versions]
2.. ‘Shrine Busters’ [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3.. ‘Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy’ [Both English and Arabic versions]
4.. ‘Goat – it isn’t just for breakfast any more.’ [Both English and Arabic versions]
5.. ‘The road to Paradise begins with me.’ [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6.. ‘Guns don’t kill people. I kill people.’ [Both Arabic and English versions]
7.. ‘Pork. The other white meat.’ [Arabic version]
8.. ‘Infidel’ [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
1.. ‘Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.’
2.. ‘Do we really need ‘smart bombs’ to drop on these dumb bastards?’
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

Okay, so maybe it’s just me…and goodness knows I’m not the most sane person in the world…but I have got to ask just one simple question…What the hell is going on here? The aftermath of an explosion at a nudist camp? Some of those guys play rough!

A dog had followed his “hero” to school. Petey was a fourth grader at a public elementary school.

However, when the bell rang, the dog went inside the building and made it all the way to the child’s classroom before a teacher noticed and shooed him outside, closing the door behind him. The dog sat down, whimpered and stared at the closed doors.

Then God appeared beside the dog, patted his head, and said,

‘Don’t feel bad fella’…they won’t let ME in either.’

Trivia:
The 27 club:
Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain all died at age 27.

They couldn’t come up with a different location for the guy standing there? “My Plumber! He works HARD for me!” Sheesh!

Cool but disgusting fact:
Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour-about 1.5 lbs per year. By age 70, an average person will have lost 105 lbs of skin!

Commercials of 15 seconds are the new norm

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/business/7266591.html

NEW YORK – And now, a word from our sponsors. A very brief word.

TV commercials are shrinking along with attention spans and advertising budgets. The 15-second ad is increasingly common, gradually supplanting the 30-second spot just as it knocked off the full-minute pitch decades ago.

For viewers, it means more commercials in a more rapid-fire format. For advertisers, shorter commercials are a way to save some money, and research shows they hold on to more eyeballs than the longer format.

“It used to be that the most valuable thing on the planet was time, and now the most valuable thing on the planet is attention,” says John Greening, associate professor at Northwestern University’s journalism school and a former executive vice president at ad agency DDB Chicago.

So instead of seeing a lengthier plot line, viewers are treated to the sight of, say, the popular “Old Spice man” riding backward on a horse through various scenes for just 15 seconds.

Or the “most interesting man in the world,” the suave, rugged, Spanish-accented character pitching Dos Equis beer, appearing just long enough to turn his head and weigh in on the topic of rollerblading. (Verdict? A deadpan “No.”)

Finally an upside to living with the sound byte generation in the 150 word Tweet era! Now if ONLY they would reduce the number of slots for commercials per show, kill reality television and bring back the 3 and 4 part movie of the week format!

Sometimes the best laid plans back-fire on you and sometimes Fate has a way of working things out just right. Here’s a story told to me by the Leprechaun on Veterans Day: Proof that God watches out for the fighting man … even retired Marines…

Lethal Leprechaun: (As usual, in green) HEY I tried to buy a bunch of Soldiers coffee this morning and got refused. THEY insisted on buying MINE.
Impish Dragon: (In blue, again, as usual) Wow! How cool is THAT!
It was raining and raw here so I went to work in my #rd Recon Bat Hoodie and my Marine Intelligence Agency Cap. They let me go ahead of them and I gave the woman my card for my 2 coffees with the instructions that their Soldiers money is no good here I’m buying and a $5 tip to insure co-operation. The Manager came over to help her with that, frowned and said “It seems sir we have a problem…They have a fellow in another line and he has said much the same thing regarding you”
I asked how we were going to resolve it and the manager jested “rock paper scissors?”
The Soldiers were up for that but insisted I had to beat ALL of them for the privilege of paying
roflmao! They got you good!
Well knowing when to tactically advance to the rear I retreated saying there was NO WAY in HELL they were going to buy bragging rights to beating a Marine at ANYTHING and allowed them to buy my coffees, one of which I took the time to consume with them. Then on the way out I swiped their receipt and bought them all another round and myself an extra coffee. I wrote a short note on their receipt: “Age treachery and Marine training to adapt and overcome will always beat youth skill and the Army of One…Semper Fi and God Bless for your commitment to our country.”
Very nice my friend. I’m very proud of you. You brought a tear to my eye.
Must be the onions I’m chopping… Dragons never cry
LOL! Must be!

A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two sons to the University of California‘s Los Angeles campus in hopes that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.

He immediately sent them a telegram which read, “Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!”

Another Golden Oldie:

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure aint.” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“Yep” was the calm reply.

“And you are still not afraid?” asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years…”

The historical Dracula … click here

You may need to read this one twice….

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, Billy Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, “What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?”
“Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me!” exclaims Billy Bob. Then, obviously embarrassed, he says, “Me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor

Late Show With David Letterman

Mayor Bloomberg is cracking down on the noise in New York City. He’s encouraging everyone to use their silencers.
The noise has taken its toll. There’s partial hearing loss among 90 percent of New York City’s rats.
It’s even noisier in New York City if you get a room next to Charlie Sheen.
Halloween is coming up. It’s the scariest day of the year, aside from Election Day.

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

Election Day is less than a week away. Republicans are just counting the days until it will be their turn to screw things up.
This billionaire George Soros endorsed Prop 19, which would legalize marijuana. He’s donated $1 million for the cause. Supporters will use the money for last-minute TV ads. They are very smart — all the ads will air during SpongeBob SquarePants.
Good news for Charlie Sheen. Since he was caught with a hooker in Manhattan, he could wind up serving four years as governor of New York.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

During a campaign stop in New York this week, Joe Biden said to a volunteer, “If I had your hair, I would have been president.” In response, the guy was like, “If I had your hair, I wouldn’t bring up the subject of hair.”
Esquire magazine ranked President Obama one of the world’s best-dressed politicians, while North Korean leader Kim Jong Il was ranked Best-dressed Female Janitor Who Also Happens to Be a Politician.
The U.N. revealed yesterday that it has had bedbugs since May of last year. I guess that explains the old saying, “Sleep tight and don’t let the bedbugs get weapons-grade uranium.”
A court just ruled that voters in Arizona don’t need to show proof of citizenship at the polls next week. When asked about the ruling, some said they were on the fence — while many said they’d just hopped over it.

Today’s last word comes to us from Toni who gives us a very nice discussion on those wonderful words:

“A guy walks into a bar . . .”
No one knows when the first joke beginning with the six words “A guy walks into a bar

. . .” was told, or how it went.

Nevertheless, an entire genre of jokes has been created revolving around that opening scenario. Here’s a sampling of some of the variants that have sprung up,

many now involving animals or inanimate objects:

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

An amnesiac walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do I come here often?”

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. “Got any ID?” asks the bartender.

The Texan replies, “About what?”

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, “You can come in here, but you better not start anything!”

A Latin scholar walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender asks him. “Don’t you mean martini?”

The man tells the bartender, “Listen, if I wanted two or more drinks I would have asked for them.”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “So, why the long face?”

A variant on this joke during the 2004 presidential campaign substituted John Kerry for the horse, but the punch line remains the same.

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Has my father been in here?”

The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re out of your head.”

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks.

He finishes them and the bartender says, “Don’t you want to know where the toilet is?”

The pig says, “No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he’d like another drink. Descartes says, “I think not,” and he disappears.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts.

The barman says, why the big pause?”

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10.

You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.”

The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”

A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A dog with his foot wrapped in a bloody bandage hobbles into a Western saloon.

He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”

A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender.

“Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re quite a celebrity around here.

We’ve even got a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named Steve?”

A goldfish flops into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks,

“What can I get you?” The goldfish says, “Water.”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog.

The man asks, “Does your dog bite?” The lady answers, “Never!”

The man reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog bites his hand.

The man says, “I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!”

The woman replies, “He doesn’t. That’s not my dog.”

A guy walks into a bar. A horse behind the bar serving drinks.

The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, “What are you staring at?

Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”

The guy says, “Honestly, no. I never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”

The skeleton says, “Give me a beer, and a mop.”

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says,

“What is this, some kind of joke?”

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman:

“What’s the quickest way to get to Dublin?”

“Are you walking or driving?” asks the barman.

“Driving,” says a man.

“That’s the quickest way,” says the barman.

A fellow walks into a pub near Buckingham Palace in London, sits down, and says,

“Give me a beer. I’ve had a rough day at work.”

And the bartender says, “Oh? What do you do?”

The guy says, “I take care of the corgis–you know, the dogs the royal family owns.”

The bartender asks, “Tough job, huh?

The guy says, “Yeah. All that inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad temperaments.

And the dogs aren’t too smart, either.”

A man goes into a bar and says, “Give me a drink before the trouble starts.”

And the bartender pours him a drink.

He drinks it and says, “Give me another drink before the trouble starts.”

He downs that one and says quotation mark, give me another drink before the trouble starts.” Finally, the bartender asks, “Just when is this trouble going to start?”

The man says, “The trouble starts just as soon as I tell you that I don’t have any money.”

A tourist goes into a bar where a dog is sitting in a chair playing poker.

He asks, “Is that dog there really playing poker?”

And the bartender says, “Yeah, but he’s not too smart.

Whenever he has a good hand, he starts wagging his tail.”

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper.

And so are his shirt, vest, chaps, pants, and boots.

His spurs are also made of paper.

Pretty soon, the sheriff arrives and arrests him for rustling.

A guy goes into a bar, orders four shots of the most expensive 30-year-old single malt Scotch whisky and downs them one after the other.

The bartender says, “You seem to be in a great hurry.”

The guy says, “You would be too if you had what I have.”

The bartender asks, “What have you got?

“Fifty cents,” is the reply.

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.

As he sipped the beer, he heard a voice say, “Nice tie.”

Looking around, he saw that the bar was empty except for him and the bartender.

A few sips later, another voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”

At this, the man calls the bartender over.

“Say, I must be losing my mind,” he tells him.

“I keep hearing these voices say nice things, and there is not a soul in here but us.”

“It’s the peanuts,” explains the bartender, indicating a dish on the bar.

“The peanuts?”

“That’s right, the peanuts–they’re complementary.”

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

He says, “A beer for me and one for my giraffe.”

And they stand around drinking for hours until the giraffe passes out on the floor.

The man pays the tab and gets up to leave.

The bartender says, “Hey! You’re not going to leave that lyin’ on the floor, are you?”

The man says, “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

A guy walks into a bar with a German shepherd dog.

The bartender says, “Hey buddy, can’t you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed!

Get that mutt out of here!”

The man replies, “No, I can’t read the sign–I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.”

The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house.

Later that day, the man tells his friend about it:

“I told him I was blind, and I got a free beer!”

The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down.

The bartender says, “The sign says no dogs allowed! You’ll have to leave!”

The friend says, “Sorry, I can’t see the sign because I’m blind, and this is my Seeing Eye dog.” The bartender replies, “Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as Seeing Eye dogs?”

The man says, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs and swings him around in a circle. The bartender says, “Hey, buddy, what are you doing?”

And the blind man says, “Don’t mind me. I’m just looking around.”

	impishdragon on Dragon Laffs #2493
	impishdragon on Dragon Laffs #2493
	impishdragon on Dragon Laffs #2493
	impishdragon on Dragon Laffs #1982
	impishdragon on Dragon Laffs #2492