Dragon Laffs #2464

I know for you guys it’s Thursday, but for me…last Saturday. And yes, I’m trying to get ahead again because this weekend is the UTA again and I’ll be working.

Got to spend the day with my son, the Whelpling, that was a lot of fun.

Okay, I’m gonna keep  doing this as long as you guys keep donating. 

We are up to 27 now! And they are:

Pop, Steven, Chris, Michael, Catherine, Donald, Stephen, Kristine, Leah, Edmund, Sammye, Kenny, Jonathon, Ted, Robert, Kenneth, Marian, Dale, Joseph, Annmarie, Alan, Chuck, Joseph, Scott, Kevin, Dan, and Wayne.

Last time…donate at the website (dragonlaffs.com) in the upper righthand corner is the donate button, that’s through PayPal, you don’t have to have a PayPal account to do that. Or write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I’ll give you the snail-mail address or the Zelle email (which is NOT impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com!!!!).  Those are the three ways to donate that we’ve figured out so far. There might be others…haven’t worked that out yet.

Okay, on to the show!

Yes…it’s an old joke, but it’s still funny…

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So, the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded,  “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde.  “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

S

The physician was taking her four-year old daughter to pre-school. The doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!
 
Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s – May I take your order?”

The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA appeared to be the robber’s first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:

1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.

2. The shop was full of customers – firearms customers.

3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.

4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.

Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.

So true.

Incredible Dragon House: Design Inspirations & Building Challenges

That one was from Lynn!

Very good advice, actually.

Every time I go on vacation my wife gets pregnant…This year I’m taking her with me!

A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were. 

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“…Which bus would I take home?”

If You’re a Bear

(Me thinks written by a woman)

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate.  You do nothing but sleep for six months. 
I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.
You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.  If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.  I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup……I want to be a bear!

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. “I vont to go to India.”

“Mrs. Cohen, why India? It’s filthy, much hotter than New York, it’s full of poor, dirty people.”

“I vont to go to India.”

“But it’s a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will  you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can’t drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You’ll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?”

“I vont to go to India.”

The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India  and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram.

There she joins the seemingly never-ending line of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.

“Dotz OK.”

Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that due to the long lines she can only say SIX words to the guru.

“Fine.”

She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon his eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holiest she is once again reminded:

“Remember, just SIX words.”

Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says:

“Sheldon, It’s your mother. Come home.”

Well…..almost!

That’s a chart I got while studying Revelation. It’s quite interesting.

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

“Paddy,” he said, ” I’m afraid I’ll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.”

“Really, Father?” slurred Paddy. “What have you done?”

And that’s it my friends. Until next time, may God Bless you and keep you, and bring you love and happiness.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #2463 Labor Day

Happy Labor Day!

So, what is Labor Day? Well, if you go to the Dept. of Labor’s website, they have this to say:

Observed the first Monday in September, Labor Day is an annual celebration of the social and economic achievements of American workers. The holiday is rooted in the late nineteenth century, when labor activists pushed for a federal holiday to recognize the many contributions workers have made to America’s strength, prosperity, and well-being.

And it goes downhill from there. I think it started out well enough, but nowadays it’s just a holiday to celebrate the end of summer.

Yeah, like that. I don’t include anymore from the Dept of Labor’s website because all they talk about is how the holiday was enacted and what states did it first, second, etc. But here are some pictures from the site:

That’s it. I’ll intersperse some cartoons throughout the issue as I normally do, but honestly, I don’t have much else, so without further ado…

True hospitality is making your guests feel like they ARE at home…… all the while you really wish they WERE at home!

It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled. One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said, “Oh, man! Someone’s deodorant isn’t working.”  A man in the  corner replied, “It can’t be me. I’m not wearing any.”

I LOVE IT!!!!

What do you call a cow that flies?
High steaks.
But if it sinks, it’s just ground beef.

What’s the difference between Hanukkah and a dragon?
One lasts for eight nights, the other sometimes ate knights.

Our dear Stephanie sent this one to me because she says she’s from this neck of the woods and says that her Mayor ought to sue for defamation of Hattiesburg!

My aunt is a church official who organizes parishioners’ personal information.
Her job title is Nun of Your Business.

I’m looking to sell my DeLorean…
Good shape, low mileage…
Only driven from time to time!

A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past. 

“My, what was that?” exclaimed the woman. 

“Oh, that’s just the Presidential Seal,” replied the guide.

If this next one is true, it’s absolutely hilarious!!! 

My aunt’s neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, named Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. 

One cool October evening, he disappeared. The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days.

The following spring, however, Felix reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he’s been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt’s friend began asking neighbors for clues.

Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street. “A black cat?” the woman said. “Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter.”

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor….”

A lawyer, sitting next to blonde on a long flight, was pestering her to play a game. ‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.’

The blonde politely declined and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer made another offer: ‘Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, but if I don’t know the answer,  I will pay you $1000’

The blonde agreed. The lawyer asked the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’

The blonde silently reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer.

Then she asked the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ And went back to sleep.

The lawyer did research on his iPhone, called his buddies etc., all to no avail. After over an hour, he gave up. He woke the blonde up and handed her $1000 and asked ‘Well, so what is the answer?’

Again, without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you enjoyed this issue and May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2462

A great image for a Saturday morning, right? A relaxing Labor Day weekend. Technically, Monday is Labor Day and I’ll do something for Labor Day in my next issue, I think. If I remember to. But the Labor Day weekend is usually the last weekend of the summer to relax, do the last big barbeque, the last get-together with friends and family, the last campouts, … but don’t forget about your friends that don’t have family to celebrate with anymore. Remember them this weekend. Reach out to those that are sitting at home, by themselves with just their memories. They need your love and caring also.

Since I said I was not going to ask for any more donations … more donations have poured in, so we’ll keep going through the weekend. Here’s what our banner looks like now:  

That’s right, you count 26 up there now! That is 

And here you all are:

Pop, Steven, Chris, Michael, Catherine, Donald, Stephen, Kristine, Leah, Edmund, Sammye, Kenny, Jonathon, Ted, Robert, Kenneth, Marian, Dale, Joseph, Annmarie, Alan, Chuck, Joseph, Scott, Kevin, and Dan.

Just wow guys!  Thank you all ever so much. My heart has swelled three sizes or whatever it was that happened to the Grinch. 

On another topic, I have been inundated lately with spam phone calls and text messages. Everything from Medicare, tollbooth, apple wallet scams, ALL KINDS of stuff. More than I can even remember. They all seem to know my name, which is not hard to find to connect to my phone number, but I’ll bet I get at least half a dozen a day. Are the rest of you guys going through the same thing? 

I have to answer numbers I don’t recognize due to my job, which means that all the scam callers know they’ve reached an active number, which makes it worse. I never engage, I’m never rude, but I AM annoyed.

Okay, done venting. 

And ALWAYS remember that God has your back!!!

Just as I arrived home after working the night shift, my wife told me to go checkout our five-year-old son’s bed.  When I entered Jimmie’s room, I saw that his bed had collapsed, and the mattress was sitting on the floor. 

“What happened?” I asked him. 

He responded, “God did it.” 

Interesting, I thought, and went back to tell my wife. 

Laughing she said that when she had heard the crash, she ran into Jimmie’s room, saying, “Oh God, what have you done now?”

Me thinks a bunch won’t get this one.

Thought Of The Day:

Not Everything

“Not everything that is faced can be changed.

But nothing can be changed until it is faced.”

– Jodi Picoult

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one…But when I went through her drawers and found a nurse’s uniform, a French maid’s outfit, and a policewoman’s uniform, I changed my mind. I figure if she can’t hold on to a job, she’s not the one for me.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.

Thanks Aussie Pete!

Chris:  How was your trip to New York?
 
Brian:  Well, a mugger stopped me and said, “Gimme your money, or I’ll blow your brains out.”
 
Chris:  What did you do?
 
Brian: I told him to go ahead and shoot. He was so shocked, he ran away.
 
Chris: Wow!  He told you to give him your money or he’d blow your brains out, and you told him to go ahead and shoot??
 
Brian: Yeah. You don’t need brains to live in New York, but you can’t get along without money.

Leah, having heard that I was now counting carbs and watching what I ate, in the spirit of unity, sent me this, which is a WEEK’s ration for one adult during WWII.

All I can say is, Man! My A1C would look GREAT! And just for GeeWhiz information, after a couple of weeks of doing this, my “estimated” A1C has gone from an 8.5 to … (let me check) 6.7.  Sigh. So……….I guess it’s going well. Although my sweet tooth is KICKING MY BUTT!!!! LOL!

Dedicated to my brother, Ken.

An old Native American man needed to borrow $500, so he went to the local bank and asked to speak to the Loans Officer.
The banker welcomed him and began filling out a loan application.
Banker: “What are you going to do with the money?”
Old man: “Buy silver, make jewelry, then sell it.”
Banker: “And what do you have for collateral?”
Old man: “I don’t know what collateral is.”
The banker explained, “Collateral is something valuable we hold in case you can’t pay back the loan. Do you have any vehicles?”
Old man: “Yes, a 1979 Chevy pickup.”
Banker: “That won’t work. How about livestock?”
Old man: “I have a horse.”
Banker: “How old is the horse?”
Old man: “Don’t know… it has no teeth.”

After several more questions, the banker decided to approve the loan.

A few weeks later, the old man returned, pulled out a roll of $100 bills, and handed the banker $500.
Banker: “Business must be good! What are you going to do with the rest of the money?”
Old man: “Keep it close to me.”
Banker: “Why don’t you deposit it in the bank?”
Old man: “I don’t know what deposit is.”
The banker explained, “You put the money in our bank, we take care of it, and whenever you need it, you can take it out.”

The old man leaned across the desk, looked the banker in the eye, and asked:
“What do you have for collateral?”

That’s it for now my friends. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #2461

This is going to be an incredibly fast and possibly short issue. I have a limited amount of time, but will do the best I can.

First an update, because I MUST thank the donations! Especially since we are still in August.

Here they all are:

Pop, Steven, Chris, Michael, Catherine, Donald, Stephen, Kristine, Leah, Edmund, Sammye, Kenny, Jonathon, Ted, Robert, Kenneth, Marian, Dale, Joseph, Annmarie, Alan, and Chuck…and just now, Joseph (different Joseph)…just now.

And now it’s hours later and I’ve opened the issue back up, because I’ve just gotten another donation and not to leave anyone out, I’m going to add another one in here after hours. I know you guys are reading this at the beginning of the issue, but trust me, this part came in Waaayyyy at the end, after it was all said and done, but since it hadn’t published yet, I opened it back up and want to add one more

Scott.

There you have it. Thank you to you all. If I could draw a big parenthesis around this section I would. LOL! 

I had to go back and change this. Didn’t change the banner, I’ll do that for next time because I’m in such a hurry. Thank you all so very, very much! You guys are marvelous! We did a great job again this year. Thank you, thank you, thank you

This one actually brought a tear to my eye! What a wonderful story.

Absolutely! No questions asked. If that criminal is inside your house, then it becomes their problem, not yours.

How appropriate. Was he in someone’s house when he shouldn’t have been?

I am definitely, without a single doubt, going to give the code to my phone to someone to do this!!!!

Did you hear about the cannibal who kept getting stomach aches? He went to the ‘good witch doctor’ who couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He gave the cannibal a medicine and sent him home.  The next day the cannibal came back to the witch doctor and complained of cramps and pains. The witch doctor asked him a bunch of questions and could not figure out what was wrong. As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal if he had eaten anything strange. The cannibal replied “No.”
“Well, what are you eating?” the witch doctor asked.  “The usual,” replied the cannibal, “You know just a couple of those Missionaries every now and then.”
“Missionaries?” replied the witch doctor. “Just how do you cook them?” he asked.
“The normal way” answered the cannibal as he described the technique. “I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little seasoning, a few herbs and vegetables” he further related.  Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor, so he pressed a little further. “So, describe these missionaries to me?” he asked. “Well,” replied the cannibal, “you know the ones, they wear those brown robes, wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot-on top of their head.” “THAT’S IT!” exclaimed the witch doctor, “That’s your problem! Those are friars… not boilers!!!”

Ain’t that the truth!

Why do hamburgers always win races?
Because they’re FAST FOOD!

Yeah, gonna make one that says: Dad Joke

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“98,” she replied.  “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded,  “Hardly worth going home is it?”

Some will not get that one.

Today I scared the mailman by going to the door in my underwear.
I don’t know what scared him more, seeing me in my underwear or
the fact that I knew where he lived.

So much truth in that, thank you Jonathon.

Little Timmy loved his dog Laddie very much; they played together every day and Laddie was always there to greet Timmy when he came home from school. 

One day, while Timmy was at school, Laddie crawled under the fence, ran out into the street, and was hit by a car and killed.

Timmy’s mother, naturally, was very distressed, not only by the matter itself but from wondering how she was going to explain this to Timmy.

As Timmy walked through the door a few moments later, his mother mustered up her courage to speak to him.  “Son, I have bad news. Laddie is dead.”

Timmy paused thoughtfully for a moment, shrugged, then said, “So, what’s for lunch, Ma? I’m starved.” 

“My, what a brave little boy you are!” his mother replies with relief.  “You’re certainly taking Laddie’s death well.”

Upon hearing this, Timmy suddenly bursts into tears, his body racking with sobs, and says, “I thought you said Daddy.”

I think I’m going to stop recommending this by saying how funny they are. I think I’m just going to do this…

Click HERE

I love this thing!

When I was at the gym yesterday, everyone kept asking me why I was always sitting still on the stationary bike.
I’m going downhill, dude, mind your own business.

You have no idea how many times I’ve printed this out on card stock and passed this out in the jail, and at my other ministries.

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. “Just name the fee,” he croaked gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

“Get this.” said Sam to his friends, “Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

“Did he get anything?” Greg asked.

Sam said, “Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs.”

Greg wondered, “Whoa! But… how???”

Sam replied, “Well, it was really late at night and Anni thought it was *me* coming home drunk!

We did it! Congratulations all around! And with 4 minutes to spare. So, until next time, may you all be blessed by our dear Father in Heaven with Peace and Prosperity, Love and Happiness, Comfort and Health until we meet again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2460

Got a message from Leah where she answered my egg question. She says she gets her eggs at $2.72 a dozen. See, I think that proves my point of there no longer being this crazy egg shortage or conspiracy or whatever-the-heck.

Yeah, I know, good morning everyone, heck of a way to start the conversation, jump right in talking about eggs, but if you could only walk a little ways in my talons…or better yet, like Pop Smith said last issue, spend 3 minutes in my head, that’ll freak you out.

Yes…YES…it’s been a weird couple of days. 

I’m trying my very best to get through it. I don’t really have any other choice, now do I? I went to one of my ministries tonight. Nobody showed. I know, what does that have to do with the price of eggs in Gnaw Bone? (That’s an Indiana joke, by the way)

My tinnitus is LOUD as … I don’t know what … but it’s driving me up the wall. I can usually ignore it, or at least push it to the back of my mind, but for some reason it’s more annoying than usual right now. I know, another useless bit of information. I’m just running out of things to say.

Shoulda said good morning first. But for now, let’s get on to the fun stuff and I’ll work out the weird stuff later. 

So, this is a long one with a lot of pictures. It is a well known story to a lot of us in “The Business”. Thanks to Wouter for sharing it.

Here is one brave Air Force Pilot, Captain Kim Campbell.  Her A-10 suffered extensive damage during Operation Iraqi Freedom in 2003.  For her actions, now Major Kim Campbell received the Distinguished Flying Cross.

One of her exploits in Warthog combat.

The damage to her A-10 Warthog occurred on 7 April 2003 while flying a mission over Baghdad.  She did her job along with the troops on the ground and as she was flying out she felt her A-10 get hit.  It was pretty obvious as it was very loud.   At that moment her A-10 lost all hydraulics instantaneously, and it rolled left and pointed toward the ground.  This had to be a very uncomfortable feeling flying over Baghdad.  

The A-10 did not respond to any of my control inputs.  She tried several procedures to get the aircraft under control, none of which worked.  Last Captain Campbell put her plane into manual reversion, meaning she was flying the aircraft without hydraulics.   The aircraft immediately responded and started climbing away from the ground.  This had to be an awesome feeling to Captain Campbell as you don’t want to eject over Baghdad.  With some technical advice from her flight leader, Lieutenant Colonel Turner, she flew the injured plane for an hour back to the air base.  Captain Campbell stated the jet was performing exceptionally well and I had no doubt in my mind I was going to land that airplane.  Landing was tricky as when you lose all the hydraulics, you don’t have speed brakes, you don’t have brakes, and you don’t have steering.   

On the ground it was discovered that her A-10 had sustained damage to one engine and to the redundant hydraulic systems, disabling the flight controls, landing gear and brakes, and horizontal stabilizer.   A detailed inspection revealed hundreds of holes in the airframe and that large sections of the stabilizer and hydraulic controls were missing.

General Richard Myers, USAF, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff stated Captain Campbell is one of the few pilots who ever landed the A-10 in the manual mode.   

Now who says women can’t be fighter pilots in the US Air Force.  (No one! Dumbest thing I ever heard.) Let’s hear it for patriot Kim Campbell.   

The A-10 was so riddled with antiaircraft fire over Baghdad the repair team couldn’t save the jet, so it was dismantled and shipped to Davis-Monthan.

This wonderful aircraft proved with the right pilot it will get you back home no matter what.   And the Air Force wants to retire the A-10 even after it has undergone major renovations.   

Having worked on this beautiful fighter for many years myself, I can tell you that the pilots that fly in her love her, the ground troops love seeing this Warthog overhead and as a load toad, I enjoyed putting armament on her and sending her on her way.

I didn’t realize that August 21st was Senior Citizen’s Day. Not that I’m sure I would have found a reason to celebrate that, anyway…but here we are, about a week late … which might say something about us forgetful older folks … um … what were we … oh yeah … I think this picture is adorable, so we’ll let it go at that. Happy Belated Senior Citizen’s Day, ya’ll.  

Read this next one ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!!

Boyfriend: I will never lie to you, dear.
Girlfriend: How sweet!
Boyfriend: Now you tell me a lie.

Magic Genie: I am a magic genie. I will grant you three wishes.
Me: Genie, I wish you were bad at math.
Magic Genie: Your wish is my command! Okay, you have nine wishes left.

Yup … these are the things that keep one up at night.

Just one more in the MANY examples of why Germans don’t play Scrabble.

A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.

The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin… writing the answer… flipping the coin… writing the answer.   At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: “Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn’t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?

“The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: “Shhh! I am checking my answers!”

You know, in a weird way, that actually makes sense.  The problem is, statistically speaking, he’s going to get an F, based on a standard grading scale because he’s only going to get half the answers correct…actually…thinking about it…he only has a one in four chance of getting the correct answer in any given flip. He’d do better to just guess at each one.

I always took it as a suggestion … but that’s just me.

Yeah, yeah … we’ve heard it all before …

That’s also one of the ways you can tell that the Bible is the truth. What other “spiritual” book is so full of embarrassing stories?

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”

The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”

The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”

Do I even need to say it?

I was a compulsive gambler. I finally quit and told my best friend that I would never gamble again.
He turns to me and says, “Wanna bet?

HEY!!! There’s NOTHING wrong with wanting to hear Freebird!

Screenshot

A man was selling his house and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading.

After the man read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all that it says here?”

The agent said, “You most certainly have… why do you ask?” 

The man replied, “Cancel the  sale, this house is too good to part with!”

While fixing his roof, a man fell off the ladder.

After meeting with his wife later, he told her that four ribs were broken.

“Four ribs broken?!” she gasps. “Which hospital did you go to?”

“I didn’t have to go to the hospital.” he replies.

His wife stares in perplexity. “Four broken ribs and you didn’t have to go to the hospital?”

“No, it was the fella I landed on who broke four ribs.”

My mate recently got divorced from his wife.
They decided to split the house.
He got the outside.

And that is it for today my friends. May you live long and prosper. May God Bless you and keep you and smile His face upon you. Until next time.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments