Boy has it been a busy week for Izzy and I. We have made 2 trips to Goodwill with a full car. That is like 4 big bins full of … stuff.
For each trip!
We built a cage for her hamster. Out of another plastic bin. I guess it’s a thing now with hamster people. Gives the little guy a lot of room. I was just the powertool guy, so what do I know.
Mowed the lawn, again! I gotta find a cure for that! I just did it last week!
We built a desk that I bought on Amazon to make it easier for me to write. It is a GREAT little desk. Here’s what it looks like:
Notice the lights under the Monitor shelf? They actually work with an app on the phone and change colors. And if you allow the app access to you music and to your microphone on your phone, the lights will actually dance to whatever it hears or to your music. The desk is sturdy as heck! The frame is steel. And….with the $15 coupon that was offered on the site, it was less than a hundred bucks. I got the smallest size to fit in the area I wanted it to fit, 39 inch. But it also comes in 47 and 55 inch. Each of which is like ten bucks more than the previous size.
The only problem I have right now is that the desk chair that I also bought isn’t coming until tomorrow and the dining room chair that I’m currently using is killing my back!!!
Something else I just realized, I just went down another pant size ( gotta start eating more) which means at my largest, I was wearing a size 48 waist and I’m now down to a 34 inch waist. That’s 14 inches!!! That is a WHOLE LOT of grief. I’m going to share a very short essay I just wrote this morning on grief. Maybe in today’s Last Word.
But for right now, let’s get some laughing in.
Nah! I’m thinking that our campers are above average intelligence and will get this one.
Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.
“Good grief” says Jim, “You and Sue are the happiest couple I know – why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?”
“Well” replies Fred, “Truth be known I’m just bored with pokin’ the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankerin’ for a bit of variety.”
Jim: “Well if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”
Fred: “What – and have a house full of kids???”
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”
“That’ll teach them!” I replied.
You know you are officially lost when you stop, turn down the car radio, and take off your sunglasses.
No! And I refuse to believe that is you, Aussie Pete.
Sasquatch, buddy, did you move?
I get this one. Deeply.
“So, Mr. Taxman, you’re here to collect on my back taxes? Is that what I just heard you say?”
I have several answers for you.
Do you ever feel like your body’s “Check Engine” light has been on and your still driving it like “nah, it’ll be fine”?
[Slams Book Shut!] “When I open this again I’d better not read what I thought I just did.”
I lifted up my shirt to check out my abs, and a Dorito fell out…
So there’s that…
Because it’s such a cool picture.
I’ll be very surprised to find anything when the Rapture happens. I ain’t plannin’ on bein’ here! Or to put it more politely…I am planning to depart with my Lord and Savior when He returns.
Kids, I kid you not:
there used to be a phone number you could call just to find out “what time it was…”
I’m white, but I use seasonings, so I’m cau-cajun.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Amen and Amen! But most of you know a good portion of what I’ve been through and you keep showing up here anyway.
Fun Fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonald’s Farm.
My mind is exceptionally quiet this morning. I’m suspicious I’m up to something I don’t want me to know about.
My friend is great at selling home security systems. If the people aren’t home, he just leaves a brochure on their kitchen table.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife’s bra off, I’ve decided to give up!
I wish I’d never put it on now.
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, I finally decided:
if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for me.
A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel.
An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A REALIST sees a freight train.
The TRAIN DRIVER sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Well, today my neighbors spoke to me. So I did what I had to do. I strapped a monitor on my ankle, went outside with my shirt on inside out, and argued with a pine tree. That should hold them off for a while.
A guest checked in at a run-down hotel.
“The room is twenty dollars a night,” said the manager, “but it’s only ten if you make your own bed.”
“Okay,” said the guest. “I’ll make my own bed.”
“Stay there,” said the manager. “I’ll get you some nails and wood.”
My wife asked me if I thought the kids were spoiled.
I said, “I think most kids just smell that way.”
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
Me at the pet store: I would like to get a puppy for my wife.
Clerk: I am sorry sir, we don’t take trades.
A regular customer comes in the store and asks, “What do you call it when 1 cow is spying on another cow?”
I said, “I dunno, what?”
He replies, “A steak out!”
And that’s it…but before we go for this issue, like I said, I’m going to give you my new essay that I’ve been working on a little bit. That’s going to be today’s…
I read this essay on line and it struck home to me because the same thing (sort of) happened to me. So, read the essay first…
___________________________________
My parents were married for 55 years. One morning, my mom was going downstairs to make dad breakfast, she had a heart attack and fell. My father picked her up as best he could and almost dragged her into the truck. At full speed, without respecting traffic lights, he drove her to the hospital.
When he arrived, unfortunately she was no longer with us.
During the funeral, my father did not speak; his gaze was lost. He hardly cried.
That night, his children joined him. In an atmosphere of pain and nostalgia, we remembered beautiful anecdotes and he asked my brother, a theologian, to tell him where Mom would be at that moment. My brother began to talk about life after death and guesses as to how and where she would be.
My father listened carefully. Suddenly he asked us to take him to the cemetery.
“Dad!” we replied, “it’s 11 at night, we can’t go to the cemetery right now!”
He raised his voice, and with a glazed look he said: “Don’t argue with me, please don’t argue with the man who just lost his wife of 55 years.”
There was a moment of respectful silence, we didn’t argue anymore. We went to the cemetery. With a flashlight we reached her grave.
My father sat down, prayed, and told his children: “It was 55 years… you know? No one can really talk about true love if haven’t done life with a person.”
He paused and wiped his face.
“She and I, we were together in the good and in the bad.” he continued. “When I changed jobs, we packed up when we sold the house and moved. We shared the joy of seeing our children become parents, together we mourned the departure of loved ones, we prayed together in the waiting room of some hospitals, we supported each other in pain, we hugged one another each day, and we forgave mistakes.”
And then he paused and added, “Children, that’s all gone and I’m happy tonight. Do you know why I’m happy? Because she left before me. She didn’t have to go through the agony and pain of burying me, of being left alone after my departure. I will be the one to go through that, and I thank God for that. I love her so much that I wouldn’t have liked her to suffer…”
When my father finished speaking, my brothers and I had tears streaming down our faces. We hugged him and he comforted us, “It’s okay. We can go home. It’s been a good day.”
That night I understood what true love is. It is more than just romanticism and sex, it’s two people who stand beside one another, who are committed to one another … through all the good and bad that life throws at you.
___________________________________
Okay, me again, Just Bob. Someone once said that it doesn’t have to be a 50/50 partnership when you’re married. It can be 60/40 or 75/25 just as long as it comes out to a hundred. (That someone was me, by the way.)
But, I think I was wrong.
Looking back at things, I think the reason that Mary and I worked so well for so long and the reason that most marriages that last for many years is because both people give 100%. It still may not be an equal split, but if both people are giving all they have, it’s still 100%.
And here’s the thing. When you’re giving all you have, the other person always knows that it’s all you have…and that’s all the difference in the world.
When both people know that the other person is ALL IN, all in with love, all in with caring for the other one, all in with the commitment, all in with the other person’s welfare being more important than your own. That is what will make for a really good marriage.
If you make it a God centered home on top of the rest, that is what makes it a Great Marriage. Sadly, I could’ve done a much better job on that part.
But, to my point, even though it was all planned out for me to die first (I know how silly that sounds, but I had my reasons) and Mary and Izzy to be well taken care of, I am so glad (the ONLY thing I’m glad about) that she went first in the regard that she didn’t have to go through the agony, grief, despair, and gut wrenching, eye-piercing, heart stabbing, soul-rending, overwhelmingly devastatingly HORRIBLE PAIN of losing so much more than my best friend.
And the crowd says, “How can you say that? Once she got over that, she would still be alive!”
And forever crushed, beaten up and abused. There is no other pain like it, no other loss like it. It is as if they reach in through your chest wall and tear your heart out and throw it down at your feet and your told, “
Now, Go! Go on living your life. Just like that. Without your heart! What are you waiting for? Get on with it!”
Yeah, it’s like that on a good day.
But God comforts you with the Holy Spirit and the knowledge that she is with Him in Heaven and couldn’t possibly be happier.
So yes, in that regard, I am so very, very thankful that she went first.
May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.
Busy week this week. Starting a new Bible study group tonight (Tuesday) that runs for 9 weeks. Had a meeting last night for SAPC (Substance Abuse Prevention Council). And have Jail ministry tomorrow night. I think it’s getting closer and closer for time for me to retire so I have more time for all my extracurricular activity. LOL.
Izzy Dragon and I have doctor’s appointments today, so I took the day off today and I want to try to get a little bit of Thursday’s issue knocked out or I don’t think I’ll have time to get it done. So, let’s jump right into the meaty stuff, shall we?
🙂 A ‘NICE TRY’ JOKE 🙂
A University Vice-Chancellor was hosting a dinner party for his professor colleagues, and Bob his chauffeur was invited too.
The main course of the meal was to be beef tongue, his cook’s speciality, which all his professor friends were aware of as they eagerly anticipated a superb meal.
The butler, with pomp and ceremony, brought in the beef tongue on a large silver platter, but unfortunately, tripped, and the whole meal slid off the platter and fell to the floor.
There was a shocked dead silence in the room. But the quick-thinking host saved the day by saying ………..“It’s O.K. folks, it was simply a Lapsus Linguae !”
His colleagues all roared with laughter, as they knew that Lapsus Linguae is the Latin term for ‘A SLIP OF THE TONGUE’.
Bob was hugely impressed with the way the situation was defused, and decided to host a dinner party himself and try the same trick. Bob invited all the other guests to a dinner, hired a butler and instructed him to slip and drop the meal, the same way as he’d seen before.
Upon the planned drop, he proudly announced to his guests in a loud voice …….“It’s O.K. folks, it was simply a Lapsus Linguae!”
There was a shocked dead silence in the room.
He was serving roast chicken.
This next one was sent in by Lynn. It is a great bit of protest. Lynn writes:
A man that kept his boat beside his house was ordered by the city to put up a fence to hide the boat from view.
So, he built the fence and hired someone to paint it. Boom!
And in reference to last issue, our friend Stephen B writes in: I have this hanging up in my den. (It is not crooked, it is the way I took the picture.)
And don’t’ forget Mr. Sluggo…….”Oh No! He’s going to be mean to me!”
I AGREE!!!!! Who’s with us??!!
Long lost cousin Eddy. He’s of mixed blood, but we don’t talk about it.
Me too!
Don’t let a man go alone to pick out an engagement ring. He’ll do something stupid, like pick one he can afford.
A man, in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
“Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!” the man said.
“Aw, Dad, it’s okay,” the son said. “The police car right behind us did the same thing.”
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, “Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbour’s wife.”
Now this is who we need protecting our southern border
I’m going to go along with Joe from NJ and give this one a “Possibly True”. Some of them I’ve heard before and some not.
Things we Brits say…..
Going round the Bend…. The Victorians built hospitals to house the mentally unsound. At the time, stately homes were built with long straight driveways so that the house could be seen in all its grandeur from the main road. Mental homes however, were placed at the end of long curved drives so that they would remain unseen by passers by. To ‘go round the bend’ has meant to be confined in a mental home ever since.
Pay Through the Nose…. When the Vikings invaded ninth century Britain, they brought with them their violent customs and imposed strict tax laws on the locals. (Aye, and you thought it was a scheme thought up by our current Government) Attention now, any citizen refusing to pay would either have his nostrils slit open or his nose cut off. Only when English king Eldred beat Viking leader Eric Bloodaxe (it’s true, that was his name) in 954 at the battle of Stainmore did the practice stop. However the phrase remained to imply paying dearly for something through the nose.
To The Bitter End…. This phrase has come to mean the end of one’s endurance.The “bitt” is a post at a ship’s prow to which the end of an anchor’s cable is fastened. If all the anchor cable has been let out, you have come to the bitter end.
Flogging a Dead Horse…. A ceremony held by British crews when they had been at sea four weeks and had worked off their initial advance, usually one month’s wages (and usually long gone). The term ‘flogging a dead horse’ alludes to the difficulty of getting any extra work from a crew during this period, since, to them, it felt as though they were working for nothing.
It’s Raining Cats and Dogs…. Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw pilede high. It was the only place for animals to get warm,so all the pets, dogs, cats and other small aminals, mice rats, bugs, lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Burning a Candle at Both Ends…. Once upon a time the only light in a house was provided by the taper. This was kept alight usually on a holder beside the fire.. It provided a small amount of light. If a special vistors came and more light was demanded then the taper was lit both ends.
That’s a Turn Up for the Book….. “Turn up for the book” is when no one has backed the winner and the bookmaker has a clear book.
The Full NineYards…. “The Full NineYards” which I believe (despite all sorts of alternatives) is the length of the ammunition belt used in the standard ammunition container of the machine gun but I don’t know if it was the Vickers or the Maxim. Hence going `The Full Nine Yards” means emptying a whole belt of ammunition at a target – giving as much as you possibly could.
The Full Monty…. A breakfast at The Dobbins Inn in Carrickfergus comprising of anything that wandered through the kitchen whilst the cook had the frying pan on the hob, the origin is believed to be from Montague Burton, a British tailor, and refers to when a customer would buy himself a new outfit from head to toe including everything seen and unseen.
Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey…. Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times used round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannon balls such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs. The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate (“brass monkey”) with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer. Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn’t rust to the “brass monkey”, but would have rusted to an iron one. When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gundecks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck. Thus it was, quite literally, “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”
The Clink …. This word for a prison referes not to the sound of rattling chains, but to the name of a prison in an area of 13th century London known as, The Liberty of Clink. Just south of the Thames, the prison lay outside London jurisdiction and so was notorious for brutal punishment ( unlike the namby-pamby sentences of today) Owned by the Bishop of Winchester ( note how the clergy are in there earning a fast buck) inmates at The Clink could expect to be burned with boiling oil, forced to stand in cold water until their feet rotted, or crushed under weights. ( Such was the quality of mercy shown by the religious bodies of the time.) Payment to the church coffers could free you however, so those rich enough to buy favour made the bishop rich, that is until rioters destroyed the prison in 1780. (Come to think of it, if it was financially rewarding to surpress the masses, the Church always led the way. )
Keep your nose to the grindstone…. Concentrate on working hard. In Victorian England, there were many knife grinder’s workshops. Workers lay flat on their fronts and held the blades against grindstones.
Keep your pecker up…. Remain cheerful. This is the English pecker, i.e. mouth, as opposed to the American, i.e. penis.
Keep your powder dry…. Be prepared. The allusion is to gunpowder which soldiers had to keep dry in order to be ready to fight when required.
Kick the bucket …. Die. The wooden frame that slaughtered animals were hung from is known as a bucket. The death spasms of the animals caused them to kick the bucket.
Know the ropes…. To understand how an organisation works. Nautical origin, where sailors had to learn which rope raised which sail. Interesting….innit?
Indiana French Lick Springs, Law
Passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.
Speaking of laws: We are talking about little Bible belt, northern Indiana counties. This happened where I live. We recently had a little campground, very family oriented with a nice pool and a great frisbee golf course, that we actually held a couple of dart tournaments at. We built some travel boards, set them up outside on the patio by the pool and held a couple of charity events. Anyway, a couple of my friends, my dart family, I love them like family (you guys are still my favorites, though) used to go there every year. Lots of little kids running around, always loud and noisy and family and fun. You know what I mean.
Anyway, the owners sold the campground, I don’t know why, to another owner(s) who decided that they were going to be LGB (so called) T (whatever other initials they are using now) friendly. That doesn’t go over very well around here, but most people are also understanding and welcoming and keep it to yourself and all is well, right?
Well, that wasn’t good enough.
Then they decided to go clothing optional.
As you can well imagine, people were a bit upset.
So, at the last county commissioners meeting, they were considering a bill to somehow limit what the campground could do. Such as limiting the nudity to the pool area IF they put up a fence at least 8 feet high but no more than 11 feet (or something like that) and that everyone had to be fully clothed going to and from. They also allowed comments from the public, which they normally do for these meetings, but to which normally there aren’t many people who attend.
This time was quite different.
Standing room only, many of our church members were there, as well as many church members from other local churches. I was in jail that night.
The commissioners debating the bill and tried to narrow down the restrictions and be as fair as they could and one commissioner fighting back and responding to the crowd that “if you don’t want to see the nudity, don’t go out there” and the crowd got to make statements and got rowdier and angrier and they finally closed off that topic saying they would discuss it further. In other words, not reaching a decision.
Most of the crowd left at that point.
When the commissioners came back after a short break, one of them made a motion to just cut to the chase. “I make a motion to outlaw nudity in our county completely.”
It was seconded, voted on, and passed with only the one person casting a “nay” vote. It was all over and done with in about 30 seconds. All because one of them was just sick of it all.
It is really going to annoy the one bar in the county who was doing the topless dancing and the other one (right outside the base, of course) that is quite a bit raunchy.
Sometimes it’s nice to live in a little town. Things can get done really quickly.
A prominent young attorney is on his way to court when he gets hit by a bus.
Suddenly he’s at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He protests.
” This is a mistake! I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!”
St. Peter replies, “Gee, that’s funny. Based on the number of hours you’ve billed to clients we thought you had to be at least 107.”
I WANT ONE!!!!!
Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
– last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)
And they even look better
I blame my mother for my poor sex life.
All she told me was, “the man goes on top and the woman underneath.”
For three years my wife and I slept on bunk beds.
When my friend first posted this, I said I don’t know what it means, but I’m resonating with #7. Then someone else asked what kind of a feeling are you getting from #9? I replied, I don’t know about a feeling, but I just keep hearing Izzy screaming in a high, squeaky voice, “Eeeek! Spider!”
Kentucky Law
“No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club.”
An amendment to the above legislation: “The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.
Wow! Just…wow!
That is hilarious!
That would have been about 2 years before I started driving.
Some of us at Dragon Laffs still do.
And the Presidential Edict to change Title 9 goes a long way to force this down our throats. More governors need to stand up and say, “We will not comply.”
Amen and Amen! It no longer surprises me when I hear of someone with a job that pays around $200k a year is a multimillionaire in two years.
Aliens are going to be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Definitive proof of Global Warming and how the polar ice caps are melting and the oceans are rising… um…. right? Yeah, no. Not so much you idiots. Does anyone really think that this planet is not going to last just as long as God wants it to last?
New Survivor Series: 16 politicians teaching in a title 1 school and living on a teachers salary.
Boy! I’d sign back up for cable just to watch that show!
That one really cracked me up.
Yeah, except he’s not. The correct answer should be, “Make YOU pay for their loans.”
Okay, I’ve had enough of this. Let’s move on to more funny stuff.
My brother Tom was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander.
We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Tom to explain what the promotion meant.
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, “Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I’m Frank Burns.”
Well, the duck is new.
Karma train huh? Just looks like my normal ride.
“So, Alan, how’s it going with the ladies?”
“Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects.”
“Really?”
“Yep, whenever I mention sex, they object.”
He may have a rope around his neck, but I think the monkey is in charge.
Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow
Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and… Graphics arrive via FedEx.
You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput
You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later.
Your credit card expires while ordering on-line.
Playboy web site exhibits “Playmate of the year”… for 1989.
You’re still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, “Ping Pong”.
Everyone you talk to on the ‘net phone’ sounds like Forrest Gump.
You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
You click the “Send” button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
And for those that are completely clueless out there, what they are talking about is……. (I need trumpets and flourishes)
It’s really just another excuse to play that fantastic song and video!!! I’ll bet over the years I’ve posted that 100 times. LOL!
A Texan friend of mine was on a business trip in China, browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member approached him.
“Excuse me, sir, are you American?”
“Why yes, yes I am.”
“What state are you from?”
“Texas,” my friend proudly exclaimed.
Disappointed, the clerk said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English.”
How do you spell moron?
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer.
He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?”
With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, what’s your name!”
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, “You guess, buddy! You guess!”
Don’t marry for money. It’s cheaper to borrow.
Scottish Proverb
Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear From A Management Consultant
10. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
9. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
8. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
7. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
6 Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
5. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
4. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
3. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
2. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
1. Everything looks okay to me.
Maine, Portland Law
It is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”
I guess that ought to do it for today my friends. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. So, until we meet again. May God Bless you and keep you.
Without being able to go into any detail, I got held over at work today and probably again tomorrow so there won’t be a Thursday episode.
God willing, there will be an issue on Saturday.,. I know, there’s always an issue on Saturday. I’m not talking about that kind of issue, I’m talking about a Dragon Laffs issue. I know it’s hard to tell the difference sometimes, but bear with me here.
And just to help you along a little bit, here’s some funnies that have collected on my phone (where I’m writing this quick note right now) that I haven’t yet forwarded on to my laptop that I’ll share with you guys. At least for a little laugh.
Amen and Amen!!
Think about that one for a little while!!!
And finally, I didn’t take this last one, but it was taken in Kokomo, Indiana, which is the next town south of us.
Anyone else get any good northern lights pictures?
So, it’s Saturday and I’ve been busting my butt already all day. Now, I’m supposed to be going out, waiting on the Whelpling to come over and show me his new motorcycle, and have a bunch of other stuff to do.
But what I WANT to do is just sit here and talk with you guys.
We had a really good Men’s Breakfast over at the Church this morning and I’m really feeling the urge to write again. Not just here, but really write, stretch my literary arms, as it were. Write something meaningful and worthy. I have a couple of good topics in mind that I’d like to explore.
But, I was up late last night, past 0100 and then got up at 0600 this morning, so right now I’m absolutely knackered. I thought the weekend was supposed to be a time to relax, sleep in, …
I think I’m missing out on something.
Anyway, let’s get started on the laughter and we’ll pipe in with some other stuff as we go along.
The Ultimate Project Management Team – Project “Birth”:
1. Project Manager – is a Person who thinks 9 women can deliver a baby in 1 month…
2. Developer – is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby…
3. On site Coordinator – is one who thinks a single woman can deliver 9 babies in one month…
4. Client – is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby…
5. Marketing Manager – is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available…
6. Resource Optimization Team – thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child from scratch…
7. Documentation Team – thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months…
8. Quality Auditor – is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS…
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, “What’s the difference between a rooster and a hen?”
“The hen lays eggs.” replied the little girl. “Very good!” said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, “What’s the difference between a duck and a turkey?”
“Well,” replied the little girl. “Turkeys can’t swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.”
“Very good!” exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, “Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?”
“Yes, I do” replied little Johnny from the city. “Bulls smile when you milk them.”
My penis made me locally famous. I didn’t find out about it until I got to University. Before then my experience of women was non- existent. I’d been at a boys’ school, and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn’t believe when, all of a sudden, at the Fresher’s Ball, I was snugging. I was even more amazed when we were in her room. We were both wasted. I didn’t have a clue how to behave, I was terrified, but she knew what to do and in no time we were naked, in bed. She was kissing my mouth. My neck. My chest, my stomach, my…. — She stopped.
“Oh my goodness!” she said, incredulous, “Your cock tastes just like CHOCOLATE!”
Melanie (her name) wasn’t a shy girl. She must have told her friend Suzy. I realized this the next day when a very attractive girl, with hip clothes and trainers, approached me in the Union Bar and just started chatting.
This had NEVER happened to me before. She asked me if I wanted to hear a new CD she’d bought, and then we were in her room.
Halfway through the second track we were naked. She’d hardly even kissed me before her face disappeared under the duvet.
“It does!” she exclaimed suddenly. “It bloody well DOES!!”
Two weeks into University I was still a virgin. I had, however, received twenty three blowjobs from twelve different girls and heard words such as ‘incredible’, ‘amazing’, ‘Bournville’, ‘Swiss’ and ‘Belgian’ exclaimed by mops of hair beneath my bedclothes. I had also been requested to immerse myself in a glass of milk and move vigorously to see if any of the flavor rubbed off. It didn’t.
I went to the Doctor. She didn’t believe me. Nor did she try it out, which I thought shockingly unscientific. But she did see the state I was in and gave me a salve.
Okay, so I’ll admit it. For the first year it was great. I could have loads of women, any time I wanted. I got cunning and made them sleep with me first. I got fussy. All the guys on campus were jealous. People who didn’t know me looked wide eyed to see one or more stunning girls on the arm of a spotty, pale youth, with lank dark hair and glasses. “What’s he got?”, they seemed to ask themselves.
But when the second year came I got really tired of it. There was a whole new year of girls who wanted to try me out. I felt like an object. A specimen. And there was something missing from my life, a yearning. I tried to have conversations with girls, in the coffee bar say, but all the time their eyes would be flicking to my crotch.
Their tongues would run over their lips, their eyes would glaze over. I would make a hasty excuse and leave. It was about this time I began to get really upset about it. Everyone had started calling me Hob Nob.
When I say “everyone”, it’s not quite true: Some people called me Willy Wonka.
Hey, it is NOT funny! I was a person! I was more than a sexual organ that just happened to be flavored like confectionery. Everyone stared at me. All the girls laughed when they saw me. I overheard them talking about me. About it! I think I had a bit of a breakdown, I couldn’t take it. All through my third year I stayed in. I saw no one.
I had given up on my little University world. Everyone knew everything. Because I didn’t have anything to do I studied all the time. I got a First and went to New York, Columbia, for a Masters. I took a deep breath of fresh air. Fantastic!
It was great! Nobody knew me! If it hadn’t been for the lousy beer it would have been perfect. I met Laurie a few months later and we started to go out. I’d seen her around in the cafeteria on campus, but it was only when I heard her give a paper on radical feminism that I really noticed her. She wrote about the politics of oral sex. She stood at the lectern in black jeans, white tee shirt, her hair tied back severely, her little fists clenching to emphasize a point.
“Oral sex”, she had concluded, “is degrading. The worship of the phallus only serves to enforce the enslavement of women. No woman should ever do it, and I certainly won’t do it ever again. Ever. Thank you.”
She stepped down from the platform to rapturous applause from a room mainly filled by women. I was enraptured, entranced. I had to get to know her.
Well, eventually we got it together. Having no chocolate penis to rely on, I had to be myself and for a long time she wasn’t interested. But then it all happened. Nights discussing politics, poetry, walks in the park, old Cocteau movies. Love, smooth and slow, calm as an angel. About a year after we met, she was lying in my bed, naked, her black hair blooming like an impossible rose against my sheets, her flawless skin almost as white as they were. I was so happy. I started to kiss her, to cover her with kisses. I wanted to adore her, to make her feel better than anything; sighs escaped her like wind from a wood across a wheat field…
“No!” she said.
She took me by the scruff of the neck. “Not there!”
I stopped.
“Why not?”, I asked.
“I knew it”, she said firmly. “I won’t do it to you in return. I won’t. Not…”
“I know,” I assured her. “I *want* to do it to you. But I don’t want you to do it to me, ever.”
“You will”, she said, “You will! I knew this would happen…”
I didn’t listen to her. I knew. There was no way I’d let her even if she wanted to. Never. I covered the insides of her thighs with my face and rested my hands on the tops of her legs. I pushed them part slightly. She resisted a little but then she opened her legs wider and I —
I lifted my head up.
“Guinness!” I cried, “Guinness!!”
A picture of the perfect girl-next-door?
Yeah, funny how that works out. Funny how it’s also a DEMAND.
Jacob, a Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage and asked, “What is this?” “Wrong question, comrade” replied Jacob. “You should have asked, who is this? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created future prosperity for the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our great hero.”
The Russian customs official sent him on his way.
At Tel Aviv airport, an Israeli customs official asked Jacob, “What is this?” “Wrong question, sir. You should be asking who is this? This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia in shame. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day.”
The Israeli official sent him on his way.
In his new home in Tel Aviv, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting the statue, one of his cousins asked, “Who is this?”
“Wrong question. You should have asked, what is this? This is five kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me from Russia without having to pay any customs duty or tax.”
The Moral:
“Politics is when you can tell the same garbage in different ways to fool different people and still come out smelling like a rose.
Living in the Midwest
August 12 Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so wonderful here; Lake Michigan is magnificent. Can hardly wait to see snow on the trees.
October 14 Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning shades of red and orange. Went for a drive through the forest near Lake Michigan and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the most wonderful animals on earth. Saw the sunset over the lake. This must be paradise. I love it here.
November 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here more each day!
December 1 5:00 PM. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was soooo beautiful!
December 2 Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a perfect picture postcard. We went outside and had a snowball fight (I won). Later, I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. What a beautiful place. I love Michigan.
December 8 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.
December 12 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought studded snow tires for the car. Fell on my ass in the driveway, shoveling after the snowplow came through (for the third time that day). $145.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
December 13 More snow fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!
December 25 Merry Christmas. More snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the damn ice.
December 27 More snow fell last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?
December 28 The weatherman had his head up his ass – we got 24″ of snow this time. At this rate, it won’t melt before the summer. The snow-plow got stuck in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already, shoveling all the snow he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his head. I couldn’t find my ice ax to finish him off – it was buried under a snowdrift!
December 29 2 degrees outside. More snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. On the away home from the emergency room, I slid on the ice trying to miss a deer and almost put the car in Lake Michigan. Totaled the car anyway against an iceberg – yes, an iceberg in Lake Michigan shoreline! I should have hit the damn deer and taken my chances. Those damn beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them ALL last November.
January 4 Damn snow it keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Tried to take a piss outside and ended up with a dicksicle.
January 7 Sixteen more inches of snow, sleet, ice and who knows what else fell last night. I wounded the snowplow driver with the ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going snow blind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More now predicted. Wind chill MINUS 22 degrees.
January 8 Moved back to Arizona. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Michigan.
Reply Living in the Midwest
August 12 Moved to our new home in Michigan. It is so wonderful here; Lake Michigan is magnificent. Can hardly wait to see snow on the trees.
October 14 Michigan is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning shades of red and orange. Went for a drive through the forest near Lake Michigan and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the most wonderful animals on earth. Saw the sunset over the lake. This must be paradise. I love it here.
November 11 Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here more each day!
December 1 5:00 PM. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was soooo beautiful!
December 2 Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looked like a perfect picture postcard. We went outside and had a snowball fight (I won). Later, I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. What a beautiful place. I love Michigan.
December 8 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.
December 12 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought studded snow tires for the car. Fell on my ass in the driveway, shoveling after the snowplow came through (for the third time that day). $145.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
December 13 More snow fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow-plow hides around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!
December 25 Merry Christmas. More snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow-plow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the damn ice.
December 27 More snow fell last night. Been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow-plow goes through every time. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ snow again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?
December 28 The weatherman had his head up his ass – we got 24″ of snow this time. At this rate, it won’t melt before the summer. The snow-plow got stuck in the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovels already, shoveling all the snow he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his head. I couldn’t find my ice ax to finish him off – it was buried under a snowdrift!
December 29 2 degrees outside. More snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. On the away home from the emergency room, I slid on the ice trying to miss a deer and almost put the car in Lake Michigan. Totaled the car anyway against an iceberg – yes, an iceberg in Lake Michigan shoreline! I should have hit the damn deer and taken my chances. Those damn beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them ALL last November.
January 4 Damn snow it keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Tried to take a piss outside and ended up with a dicksicle.
January 7 Sixteen more inches of snow, sleet, ice and who knows what else fell last night. I wounded the snowplow driver with the ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going snow blind. I can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More now predicted. Wind chill MINUS 22 degrees.
January 8 Moved back to Arizona. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that God-forsaken state of Michigan.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know..
People say they pick their nose. But I feel I was just born with mine.
My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus. Not only was I shocked..I was appalled, aghast, and dismayed.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines, But catscan.
My roommate asked if I had seen the dog bowl. I said, “I never knew he did!”
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know “y”.
We live in a society where … Pizza gets to your house before the police.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, Why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight … Live longer than the men who mention it.
Team work is important; It helps to put the blame on someone else.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
There’s a gang going through cities systematically shoplifting clothes in size order. The police said they are still at large.
Napoleon may not have designed his own coat, But he DID have a hand in it.
Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall. I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
A widow asks a man if he can say a word at her husband’s funeral. He agrees and walks up to podium and says “plethora”. As he is leaving she says gratefully, “Thank you, that means a lot.”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through that tiny thing?”
I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
I just found out that I’m color blind. The news came completely out of the green!
A cheese factory exploded in France. There was nothing left but de Brie!
The most popular guy at the nudist colony … Is the one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
What does C.S. Lewis keep in his wardrobe? Narnia business.!
It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. But it’s a 35-min walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
Cause it’s cool
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
– Plato (427-347 B.C.)
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849.
Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.
Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.
It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.
Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. Butt do I care ?
There is a pier in San Francisco upon which sits a large statue of gorilla named Dotty who lived at the SF zoo for many years.
Dotty is not relevant to the story, except that she was loved by all who knew her.
Any way, every year there was a festival held on the pier at which one could buy all manner of fried foods and see some local San Franners doing comedy skits and the like.
Since the comedy was pretty bad but the food was pretty good, it quickly became tradition to hit all the food stands hard and fast then melt away before being exposed to too much bad comedy.
Naturally, this annual event became known as the Gorilla Wharf Fair.
I have done this.
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She’s laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations.
When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: “All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
Absolutely! In a New York Minute!!!
It worked for me as all three of those for many years.
Paddy is in court, and after an 8 hour trial he pleads guilty.
The judge says, “Why didn’t you plead guilty at first and save the court all this time?”
Paddy says, “I thought I was innocent until I heard all the evidence.”
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual ‘dumb blonde’ jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes ! What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It’s people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde interrupts yelling, “You stay out of this……I’m talking to that little a**hole on your lap!”
Especially if you tell her how much she just LOVED it!
Since yesterday was Mother’s Day and since I got a couple of Mother’s Day cartoons and just because I don’t want to celebrate the day doesn’t mean I’m not going to send along some funnies for the rest of you guys and wish the wonderful mothers out there a belated very special and happy day.
To all the husbands out there, Mother’s Day is May 12th. Make sure your wife gets all the housework and yard work done by May 11th so she can enjoy her special day.
They made people watch their loved ones die alone on FaceTime.
NO DEALS
My dad wouldn’t have gotten it. He was a lineman and retired from Jersey Central Power & Light Co.
Come on guys, you can figure that one out.
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!
That is such an interesting picture in so many ways.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band, but left because it was just one ting after another.
Do they fry Popeye’s Chicken in Olive Oil?
The word queue is ironic.
It’s just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line
If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up…
that’s a squat, right?
My friend David lost is ID.
Now he is Dav.
I feel bad for kids today with all their electronic gadgets; They’ll never know the simple joy of throwing rocks at each other.
Don’t think of yourself as a meme thief.
The official title is Social Media Redistribution agent.
Well, apparently the last issue was misdated and ended up back in time. Mystery solved. Let’s see if we can’t get this one sent out properly, shall we?
Other than that, it’s been an interesting day for me. I had a meeting at the Utility company today for an exercise that the LEPC, of which I am a part, is going to hold there in a month or so. What’s an LEPC? It is a Local Emergency Planning Committee. Every county is supposed to have one.
While we were there, right next door, a garbage truck caught on fire…well, actually, the contents caught on fire. We were the ones who called it in because everyone who worked in that building was at lunch. Finally, someone grabbed the truck and pulled it to an open spot of the dirt parking lot just as the fire truck pulled up. He dumped the trash out in the parking lot and the fire truck put out the burning trash. Great fun.
Then, on my way back to the base, there was a four car crash on the highway in the left hand turn lane that was right in front of me. More great fun.
And my Wednesday night jail was a really good night with a strong Spirit in the room.
So yeah…I’ve had a good day.
Now, let’s get this fun started.
Okay, here’s another one of those cool articles that Stephanie seems to be so good at finding. This one is called:
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn’t miss them until they were back on the highway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.
The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
He called his wife every bad name he could think of.
When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, too.”
I’ve already explained a similar one once, I’m not doing it again.
Well… it is by my favorite group…
So maybe one more time…
NO!
A man walked into a crowded doctor’s office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, “Yes, sir, may we help you?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you,” he said.
“We do not use language like that here,” she said. “Please go outside and come back in and say that there’s something wrong with your ear or whatever.”
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.
And that, my dear friends, is what we call, a dead man who just doesn’t realize he’s dead yet.
IN COURT…
LAWYER: “On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?”
WITNESS: “I did.”
LAWYER: “And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?”
WITNESS: “I did.”
LAWYER: “And did you observe anything?”
WITNESS: “I did.” (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: “Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?”
WITNESS: “I saw George.”
LAWYER: ” You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? “
WITNESS: “Yes.”
LAWYER: “Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?”
WITNESS: “Yes.” (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: “Well, would you kindly do so?”
WITNESS: ” He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.”
LAWYER: “His ‘thing?'”
WITNESS: “You know… His thing. His di… I mean, his penis.”
LAWYER: “You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?”
WITNESS: “Yes.”
LAWYER: “Did you say anything to him?”
WITNESS: “Of course, I did!”
LAWYER: “What did you say to him?”
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”
That is a GREAT overlayed photo
Absolutely Perfect! I can sit and laugh and think about that one all day!
There was a young lady from Wheeling Who professed to no sexual feeling Til a cynic named Boris Just touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped off the ceiling!
RICH people have small TVs and big libraries POOR people have small libraries and big TVs
“How did you injure yourself?”
Age 20: “I fell off a roof and got hit by a car.”
Age 40: “I slipped on wet grass.”
Age 60: “I was opening a jar of peanut butter.”
Age 80: I was putting on my underwear.”
Age 100: “I inhaled too hard.”
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
Yeah! Let’s do this!!
The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters.
The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, ‘The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.’ If it’s really him, he’ll answer, ‘Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'”
So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy.”
The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too.”
Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the bartender, so he says, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.”
The bartender replies, “Oh, you’re looking for Murphy the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left.”
One of the things that I (and unsurprisingly) many other Emergency Managers are unusually attracted to is tornadoes. It is still one of my goals to get a good, close up photograph of one. Our good friend of the show, Ted sent us a great website of some great video of recent tornado activity in Nebraska. So click HERE. http://Video shows full fury of tornado that struck Lincoln, Nebraska in late April | Watch (msn.com)
A Republican gets frisky with his high school date. Career ruined. A Democrat drowns his date. Serves 50 years in Congress.
It seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual “3 to 1, majority rules” statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
“Oh, God!” he cried. “I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!”
It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. “A sign from God! See, I’m right, I knew it!”
But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again “Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong!”
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
“I told you I was right!” cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, “Oh God…,” the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, “HEEEEEEEE’S RIIIIIIIGHT!”
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, “Well?”
“So,” shrugged one of the other rabbis, “now it’s 3 to 2.”
Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?,” he said.
“Then I’ll come home and eat!,” bravely declared the child.
“And what if you run out of money?”
“I will come home and get some!,” readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”
“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to college.”
Man and woman nude in bed together. Man reading newspaper with headline: “Court rules same-sex couples can marry.”
Man: “It will make an absolute mockery of traditional marriage!”
Woman: “That’s just what my husband says.”
At Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Rabbi?” asked little Melvin “there’s something I need to know.”
“What’s that my child?” asked the Rabbi.
“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“Right.”
“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“Uh … right.”
“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again you are correct.”
“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is correct,” agreed the Rabbi. “So what’s your question?”
“What I need to know is this,” demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”
Lawrence Welk had twin daughters: Anna 1 and Anna 2
So many of you aren’t going to get that one!
A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the doctor’s office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, “See if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a tail on a possum.
“Don’t hurt him none, ’cause he’s my son-in-law.”
The doctor said, “Why would you shoot your son-in-law?”
The hillbilly said, “He warn’t my son-in-law when I shot him!”
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed:
“Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies”. God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home… picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.
He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, which he had to sort out in a gentle ‘motherly’ fashion.
He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing.
By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren’t finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
“Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!”
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!
And that’s it for today my friends. I hope you get as much fun out of this as I did. Until Monday. May you have a happy and fun weekend. May God Bless you and yours.
Dragon Laffs 