So, I’m a bit peeved. I’ve started this on Sunday, Day 33, and this is due to publish on Saturday, Day 39, which makes it both the second longest (as of today’s starting) and the longest (as of publication, if it’s still going on and I can’t see any end in sight) and 

You notice from the header that I made a trip to DC and they all hid from me! The wimps! I looked everywhere for the politicians that are responsible and couldn’t find them! Here’s some more pics of me in Washington:

 

I’m disgusted with them all! Everyone of them needs to be fired!

DISGUSTED!

We’ll come back to this. I gotta do something to change my mood!

 

A guy in the bar sold me a rare, antique map of the Sahara Desert for $20 last night…

This morning when I sobered up, I realized that it was a sheet of sandpaper.

I went to school for magicians but failed the final exam.

They were all trick questions.

 

I’ve always preferred the British spelling of “diarrhea” which is “diarrhoea” because it really looks like you have lost control of your vowels.

Arrived late to the weekly kleptomaniacs anonymous meeting and all the seats were already taken.

 

 

Does anybody know where a guy can find a person to hangout with, talk to, and enjoy spending time with?

ASKING FOR A FRIEND

 

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% of people do not realize I replaced the beginning of the sentence with an instrument.

They have my symphony.

 

So very true! God gave me life to love Him and bring others to Him. He will continue to give me life as long as He has work for me to do, then He will bring me home to heaven where He will have more work for me to do…of a sort. I can’t think of a more beautiful existence then the one that I have now and the one that I am going to. 

 

I’ve been asked to join a swingers club, but I’m a little nervous. What if I’m not good enough? I haven’t been on a swing since I was 9.

I’m confused, how come:
22 is twenty-two,
33 is thirty-three,
and 11 is not onety-one?

 

Morris and Rachel are sweethearts. Morris lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. 

One day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. 

After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.

Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Morris to take an alternate route to the synagogue. 

The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry.

When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the chuppa. 

As the ceremony starts, the Rabbi whispers to Morris, “Pull down your trousers.”

“Rabbi, I’ve changed my mind,” says Morris, “I think I prefer the traditional service.”

And that is it my friends!

 

I hope you all enjoyed this one as much as I did. Until we meet again. I’m hoping that by the time you read this the government is back open again and this is all just a huge laugh!

… but somehow I don’t think so.

And even if the government is still closed, I will be at work today because it is the UTA and I’ll have to teach class because my reservists aren’t coming in. So, go figure.

So, until we meet again, May the Good Lord Bless you with Love and Happiness, Strength and Comfort.

 

Well, if the government is still shut down by the time you read this, it will be day 37 and will be the longest shut down ever. For me, writing this, it is day 29, which is about 20 days longer than I thought it would ever last.

Now the AFGE, the largest union of government employees, a VERY democrat organization, are encouraging the the democrats to open the government back up. I never thought I’d see the AFGE speak out against the party. But there you have it. 

Okay, I’m so tired of talking about this.

 

I have to correct this picture. It should read, “When you go to the village for gold, but return with a pet human.”

 

Absolutely! You kicked the kid out of school for wearing the shirt that said there were only two genders, and yet you allow this crap up on the walls?! They found his shirt offensive, and yet when he said he found these flags offensive, they didn’t care! I leave you to draw your own conclusions my friends.

 

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I called them to see what was going on.

They said they were still dealing with my order.

Dragons are especially good at emotional support (snicker!).

 

This one was sent in by Lynn. I, at first, thought it was a can opener, but now I’m not sure. Now I think a hand mixer. I do recognize it because I think mom had one in the kitchen. Lynn? How about you guys? Any guesses?

Why doesn’t someone invent a clear toaster so you can see how toasted your toast is while it’s toasting?

I agree SO MUCH with this!  Why hasn’t this been done yet?

 

Can you imagine the poor rescued person in that basket. And if they’re injured it’s even worse!!!

Solar power is the future!

But it won’t happen overnight.

 

My dad keeps purchasing more artic land that he can’t afford.

I’m worried he has buy polar disorder.

A bottle of water at Costco is $0.25.
The same bottle in the supermarket is worth about $0.50.
The same bottle in a bar costs $2.
In a good restaurant or hotel, it can be worth up to $3.
At an airport or on the plane, you may be charged $5.
The bottle and the brand are the same, the only thing that changes are the place. Each place gives a different value to the same product.
When you feel like you are worth nothing and everyone around you belittles you, change places, do not stay there.
Have the courage to change places and go to a place where you are given the value you deserve. Surround yourself with people who really appreciate your worth.
Don’t settle for less.

That’s some really great advice.

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

 

And that supposedly happened by accident?

 

I looked up the definition of opaque in the dictionary.

It wasn’t very clear.

 

We used to have empires run by emperors.
Then we had kingdoms run by kings.
Now we have countries …

A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note:

“Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time.”

That’s it my friends. I realized I have SO MANY memes that I started adding extras to this issue. I gotta start using these things up. LOL! Anyway, until we meet again …

Today is day 27 for the shut-down…for me.  I’m hoping that by the time you read this that we’re back at work, but if not, by the time you read this it will be day 34! One day short of the record.

I hate to say this, truly I do, but I heard at church yesterday from someone that they had heard that this could last to the end of the year!

Lord, please no.

I’m watching the news…NewsMax…which, by the way, is a Christian news source…and they just said that we may have to give up New York City.  It seems the Mamdani is way ahead in the polls and in early voting.  I’m not sure if, by the time you’re reading this, we’ll know for sure or not, but what a HUGE mistake that would be. I’m sure I don’t need to go into all the reasons for THAT!

Anyway, I just want to go back to work. I’m almost 67 years old and here I am saying that I want to go back to work.  I SHOULD be saying that I’m enjoying the daylights out of my retirement, but

THAT’S

NOT

ME.

What have I done since the furlough? Well, I have done my usual ministry work, I haven’t ridden as much as I’ve wanted to since it’s gotten colder, I haven’t written like I’ve wanted to due to depression, heck I haven’t even finished cutting up the big tree branch in the backyard. I’ve cleaned a lot. I’ve read a lot. I’ve watched a LOT of news. So, in other words, in some ways, I feel like I’ve wasted 4 weeks.

At the same time, I feel like I’ve needed the break. So, the R & R was appreciated, but it’s time to saddle up and go back to work. I got bills to pay! And you know what? If we’re going to get paid anyway, WHY AREN’T WE AT WORK?!?! 

Okay, Dragon Rant over. 

I got news for you, that’s the same look you’d get from about any vet.

 

Oh how true that is! So very, very true!

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing “Put Me In My Little Bed” accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

Computer Terms

State-of-the-art –
Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete –
Any computer you own.

Microsecond –
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

GUI –
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced “gooey”)

Keyboard –
The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse –
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy –
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer –
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash –
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update –
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

If you grew up in the 70’s…

You know exactly who was a Bullfrog.

 

I got caught up in a really good book last night.

I didn’t stop coloring until 2 am this morning.

 

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

 

My wife told me that I should put on a clean pair of socks every day.

By Friday, I couldn’t get my shoes on.

 

A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.

 

Green is my favorite color.

I like it better than blue and yellow combined.

Walmart is giving out FREE TURKEYS to anyone who can outrun security.

Do you know that AWESOME feeling when you climb into bed at night, fall right asleep, stay asleep all night, and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to take on the day?

Yeah, me neither!

 

My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and irritable bowel syndrome.

It worries the crap out of me.

 

Mean people don’t bother me a bit.

Mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me a lot.

 

That’s it my friends. The end of another one. Not sure what else to say other than 

So, we slide from Halloween to changing our clocks.  What’s the saying? Fall ahead and Spring back? Spring ahead and Fall back? 

Yeah, the second one I guess… so tonight, or really tomorrow morning, early, at 0200 hrs., it becomes 0100 hrs. again.  Fall back, right? I know, it makes no sense at all, but we all get an extra hour of sleep, so there’s at least a plus to it.

Additionally, I get to use the couple of Daylight Savings Time cartoons that I have, so there’s that.

So, let’s get into this.

 

The tragedy of life is not death but what we let die inside of us while we live.

~Norman Cousins

In some areas…”may be”, Around here… “probably is”.

 

This getting old is a terrible thing.

I blacked out for twenty minutes this morning, then I realized I’d put my hoodie on backwards.

 

My new role model is the old lady I saw at the grocery store buying only corn dogs, Oreos, and vodka.

 

My wife walked in, slammed her stuff down and started ranting about everything imaginable.

Our 9-year old daughter walks in and said, “Who lit the fuse on your tampon?”

I had to step outside so I didn’t get slapped for laughing.

You sir, should have stayed inside and laughed and taken your slap in support of your daughter.

 

Losing power at home stinks, but it’s so exciting when it goes off at work.

LOL!

 

If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive…

…they would eventually find me attractive.

Do you ever think about the sketchy places you snuck off to as a teenager, lied through your teeth to your parents about, and wonder how the hell you’re not buried in a shallow grave somewhere, still clutching a bottle?

I know I do.

This morning my son said his ear hurt and I said, “On the inside or the outside?”

So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says, “Both.”

It’s moments like this that has me wondering if I’m saving too much for college.

I’m pretty sure I had a good time last night…

Let me finish reading the police report and I’ll let you know.

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.

I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

 

 

And we come to the end of another excellent issue. I hope you got enough reminders to set your clocks back tonight and if not…well…you’ll just be early for everything tomorrow and you’ll miss out on your extra hour of sleep. And since it only happens once a year, you’ll only have yourself to blame.

So, until next time, may the Good Lord Bless you and keep you until we meet again.

Well, today is the day before Halloween and the Halloween issue should have been put out today, but website had a different idea and put it out a week ahead of time, screwing up my numbering system and my timeline and well…stuff.

But, by now, it’s all worked itself out and all is now right with the world again.

So, today is day 25 of the government shutdown, but for you reading this, if they haven’t pulled their heads out of their butts, it’s day 30. I’m tired of complaining about it and about my financial woes. So far the lights are still on and the house is still warm, there is still some food in the house so God is good.

So, let’s move on to the fun stuff, shall we?

 

First, a couple of catch-up Halloween cartoons…

 

I heard the government is putting chips inside of everyone.  

I Hope I get Doritos!

The Department of Defense is officially being renamed the Department of War, but President Trump isn’t going to stop there. A long list of government agencies is set to get the same treatment.

The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of other departments Trump is renaming:

---

1. Social Security Administration: This will be rechristened The Charles Ponzi Memorial Retirement Plan.
2. Department of Justice: Changed to the far more descriptive Department of Revenge on All the Losers and Haters.
3. Health and Human Services: Out with the old name, in with the Department of Ribeyes and Methylene Blue.
4. Department of the Treasury: For the sake of transparency, this will now be called the Chinese Loan Office.
5. Bureau of Indian Affairs: This will be the Department of the Redskins.
6. Department of Agriculture: Simplified to the Department of Food and Stuff.
7. Housing and Urban Development: To be retitled as the Department of the Poors.
8. Department of Education: No new title listed. Almost as if it won’t exist at all. Weird.
9. Food and Drug Administration: McDonald’s.
10. Department of Homeland Security: From now on, to be known as the Department of the Big, Beautiful Wall.

My co-worker said to me today:  You shouldn’t eat red meat!

I said:  My grandfather lived to be 100 years old.  

He said:  Did he eat red meat?

I said:  No, he minded his own business.

Congress doesn’t guarantee you a pension, health care, or 200+ paid days off a year. 

Which is weird, because you guarantee Congress all of those things on your dime.

I’m not going to say who…. but a friend of mine just called and asked if I would loan her $1300 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money! He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the $1300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.

I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money anyway because we all need help at times.

A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.

My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!

“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life,” my boss told me.
“Well it got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009,” I informed him.
“Really?” he asked.
“No,” I said.

Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use? I for one.

 I went to the hospital for a cardiac stress test. They connected me to the machines and then made me watch my wife park my new car.

A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. Amazing, there was no congestion for 8 hours.

My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on it’s way to work.

Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.

 A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said “Thank God for that, what are they?”

I knew I shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils from the restaurant I work at, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

 I don’t think we should be making jokes about socialism unless everyone gets it.

The Institute of Incomplete Studies (ISS) has recently uncovered that 7 out of 10 people.

If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like, why am I always getting all this money?

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

Where do bad rainbows go? To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses. You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.

 A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “in a nut shell, it’s an oak tree”.

Times When Life Just Completely Unraveled

20 Folks Who Got Tattoos During A Full Brain Shutdown

And that’s it my friends. May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.