and other Mythical…what?  OTHER MYTHICAL WHAT?  What kind of heading is that?  Who leaves out important words like that?

EDITOR!

Yes, Impish?

Who in the world created that header?

You did, Mr. Dragon.

[Sputter!] Well, of course I did, but who inked it and put in the words?  And don’t call me Mr.. Dragon.  Mr. Dragon is my father.

Actually, Sir, your father is Papa Dragon Most Senior, and I switched to Mr. Dragon because it seemed as though you were getting upset and when you get upset people and other creatures tend to, um, to put it delicately, disap…

I DO NOT MAKE PEOPLE DISAPPEAR!

Yes sir.  In fact you eat them, sir.  And I’m getting very uncomfortable having this conversation with you right now, and if you don’t mind…

[GASP!] I     DO     NOT     EAT     EMPLOYEES!!!!!

Sir, where is Kevin?

—–

And I haven’t seen Marvin for a while either…

———–

Nancy…
Nancy is on vacation!!!

Will there be anything else, sir?

No, … no… that’s all for now.  Thank you. Oh and Jackson…

Yes, sir?

Stop calling me sir.  My parents were married when I was born.

Yes…um…Impish.  Quite so.

At least I’m pretty sure they were. Anyway, where were we?  Oh yeah, welcome to Saturday,  While you are reading this I am either teaching class or playing a tiny round of hooky and am at Men’s Breakfast depending on whether or not I have anyone scheduled for class today or not.  With having had an inspection all week this week from higher headquarters there’s no telling what kind of shape I’m truly in by the time you guys are reading this, so wish me luck.  And in the mean time, let’s get this fun fest started with some laughter, shall we?

Remember I told you the other day to look up Gilda Radner if you didn’t know who she was… Here’s Stephen B.’s opinion:

Gilda Radner and Gene Wilder.  Will there ever be a more perfect couple?  5 short years together.

It was a love story for the ages.  Over WAY too soon.

Okay, remember the rules…give yourself one point for every item on the list that you have NOT done.  So, out of the twenty items on the list, Impish Dragon gets a score of ….. zero.  I’ve done every single one of those things.  Come on!  That stuff wasn’t THAT long ago, was it?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

– H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

A minister was giving the children’s message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, “I’m going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is.” The children nodded eagerly.

“This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)…” No hands went up. “And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)…” The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. “And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it’s excited (pause)…”

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The minister breathed a sigh of relief and called on him.

“Well,” said the boy, “I know the answer you’re looking for is supposed to be ‘Jesus’ … but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.”

The new MREs aren’t bad, but the old C-Rations came with a lot of extras, like tooth picks, silver ware… they were pretty nice.

A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled “COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS.”

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.

“Then why are you checking it out?”

“Because,” said the boy, beaming from ear to ear, “I just started collecting moths last month!”

Hey!  Us Dragons like to open gifts, too!

Oh, I’d say about a 7 on the old rubber ducky scale.

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.”

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.”

The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life,”

She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again,”

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind.

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life! “Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.”

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

“I don’t really think so.”

Just a cool picture.

One day in a third grade classroom a teacher asked her students what their fathers did for a living. The first boy raises his hand, and says my dad is a fireman. The teacher replies, “Hey, thats a great profession, he gets to fight fires and he has to be very brave.” 

So the teacher calls on a second student. A young girl is chosen, and she tells the class that her father is a policeman. The teacher replied, “Oh thats a great job, he has to be very brave, and he gets to put all the criminals behind bars.” 

So a third student raises his hand and is chosen by the teacher. She asks him what his father does for a living and he says that his father eats light bulbs. The teacher, now confused, says, “That’s crazy, what makes you think that he eats light bulbs?” 

The student replies, “Well last night I got up out of bed to get a drink of water, and when I walked by my parents room I overheard my father say, ‘Hey baby, turn out the light and I’ll eat it.'”

“It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.”
~ Nelson Mandela

“I can’t afford to hate anyone. I don’t have that kind of time.”

~ Akira Kurosawa

It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law. 

Anyway… One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong. 

A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic. 

The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave. 

On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-in-law died. 

The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest. Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried. 

Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her: “Why are you crying so much?   Was your mother-in-law that special?” 

The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied… “No,  she missed the bus!” 

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. 

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. 

“Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady. 

“Yes,” he replied. 

“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!” 

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave.

The sailor walked up to the man and asked, “When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?”

The old Chinese man replied with a smile, “Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers.”

Mother: “How’s your history paper coming?”

Son: “Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it’s been very helpful.

Mother: “Really?”

Son: “Yes, so far I’ve located 17 people who sell them!”

“If you’re going to work here young man, ” said the boss, “the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm.” “Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?”

“Oh, yes, sir.” responded the young man.

“And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness. There is no mat.” said the boss.

Once upon a time, in the cold, cold country of Minnesota, there lived a rather crotchety old man.

You really couldn’t blame him for being crotchety; he had no family or friends, he lived all alone, and he didn’t have much money.

But he did have a nice place to live, despite the very cold weather.

He owned a log cabin PLUS a nice lake. The property was his very own.

In the summers, when it wasn’t so extremely cold, he swam in his lake and he fished in his lake.

In the winters he would cut holes in the ice and ice fish. Yes, his lake was his one delight in life.

Well, one cold, cold day in January (the lake was frozen over, of course) he noticed a lone man crossing his lake, hauling a sled with many, many bundles of cashmere sweaters piled on top of it. He certainly wasn’t hurting anything, simply crossing this man’s lake!

But remember, I said that this man was rather crotchety. And he was very protective of his beloved lake. And quite frankly, he didn’t like the fact that someone was using his lake to transport products!

But this first time he didn’t do anything about it, just grumbled a little to himself.

However, the next week, while peering out his window at the cold, cold country, thinking about cutting a hole in the ice and going ice fishing, he saw this same man crossing his lake hauling more bundles of cashmere sweaters on his sled. He became rather agitated. But still, he let it go.

Until the next week when it happened again!

Same man!

Same sled!

Same sweaters!

This time he was more than agitated, he was outraged!

This time he took action. He called the local police station and had the man arrested! He had no intention of letting someone pull the wool over his ice!

Being an adult can be difficult, but at least we don’t have to do P.E. anymore.

I recently got divorced from my wife. 
We decided to split the house. 
I got the outside.

I just saw 2 blind guys fighting.  You should have seen both of their faces when I said, “I’ve got my money on the one with the knife.”

To start a zoo you need at least:
2 Pandas
1 Grizzly
1 Polar
These are the bear minimums.

WOKE… A  term used for Whining, Obnoxious, Killjoy, Egotistical pussies that need everything sugar-coated for them!

And that it’s it my friend.  All is done for the day.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

And what a rose bush it’s turning out to be!  It’s a monster!  I bought for Mary for Mother’s Day several years ago, it was just a tiny thing, and we never trimmed it, and now it is monstrous.  Here it is from the other side where you can see the whole thing:

And you guys think when I tell you that my backyard is a jungle that I’m kidding.

Anyway, lots of fun stuff to get to today, so what do you say that we get to some of it.  I’m sure before the issue is out I’ll have something to rant about…maybe.  We’ll see, but in the mean time…

How about we start out with a passel full of Calvin and Hobbs? 

Now, let’s do a riddle from Aussie Pete:

How can you physically stand behind your dad while he is standing behind you?

We’ll get to the answer to that one in a minute, right after we do some more…

Okay, the answer to the first riddle was…. The Father and Son stand back to back!  Oh come on, that one was easy!  Okay, here comes the second riddle from our buddy Aussie Pete:

What is seen in the middle of March and April that isn’t seen at the start or end of either month?

While you ponder that, let’s ponder these:

So, how’d you do on the second riddle?  Did you get it?  Why the answer, of course, is The Letter “R”.  Okay, one more chance on the riddles, here goes the last one from Aussie Pete:

Which English word has three consecutive double letters?

Think you know what it is?  I think I’ve got it.  We’ll both  see in just a minute…

Yeah, I’m not sure you’re going to continue to feel that way as you grow up there Calvin

This one cracked me up!

Are you ready?  The answer is…. BOOKKEEPER.  Yes it is!  YES IT IS!  Okay, then what did you come up with?  Let me know in the comments section.  Thanks Pete.  This was fun!

I went and visited a school class a few years ago and this is one of the pictures that one of the little guys drew for me.  We did get to go outside and play in the fields, so it was kinda cool that he drew a picture of it.

You would be really busy, dude!

Just wondering if he’s in Kentucky…

I’m sorry, this next one made me laugh out loud for a long time…

My mate has a bad stutter and, by the time he told us his Nanna had died, we were all singing “Hey Jude”

I know…but I couldn’t help myself.

You can say, “Have a nice day” and there’s no problems.  But say, “Enjoy the next 24 hours” and it sounds vaguely threatening.

I’ve invented a new game called Silent Tennis.

It’s like regular tennis but without the racquet.

I really don’t think it’s going to take that long.

Friends with … um … wings.

Do you think that’s what they mean by “Curiosity Killed the Cat”?

My art instructor complimented my painting of a ring-shaped reef island…

He said, “Not bad, not bad atoll.”

I can show you what it  looks like from the inside…

So, you need to be careful when you open one of those things up.

The Most Dangerous Animal in the World…

Is a Smiling Woman Sitting in Silence.

Um…he’s right.

I’ve lost way more than that on the Jameson diet

“Are you decent?”

Not morally, but I’m wearing pants if that’s what you’re asking.

Now, here’s something new…

Facebook is proof that you’re never too old to have imaginary friends.

Vaping is weird — 
You walk past a group of dudes who look like gangsters but smell like strawberry muffins…

A creature rose up out of the surf and came sloshing ashore.  Its garments were made of green sea lettuce.  “I am the friendly Witch of the Sand,” she said, “and I am only going to sunbathe.”  The sun was terribly hot.  Her skin began to bake and it turned as red as a ripe tomato!!  Have you ever seen a baking lettuce and tomato Sand Witch?

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.  He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

I used to wonder how the devil could deceive entire nations like the Bible said he would.

I don’t wonder about that anymore.

Let’s play a fun quarantine game!

Someone leave a bottle of wine on my front doorstep and I’ll try to guess who it was.

The only sexual knowledge a 3rd grade boy needs to know is that girls have cooties!

Apparently not to a single person in the justice system!!!

And such an incredible shame it is!  And what the heck is the one in the lower left?  I had to go on line and look it up to find out what it even was!!!  It’s the transgender flag.  And it’s a hate crime to “desecrate” any of those other rags but you can do whatever you want to the American flag and that’s fine?!?!  AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! 

[mumbling under his breath] I’m not gonna rant!  I’m not gonna rant!  I’m not gonna rant!  Not gonna rant! NotGonnaRant! NotGonnaRant! notgonnarant, notgonnarant, notrant, not,not, not

These memes aren’t making this any easier!!!!!
But I do know the answer to this question…
BECAUSE THE PARTY THAT IS IN POWER ARE ALL TRAITOROUS BASTARDS!!!

It’s still a lie!  There’s not a damn honorable thing about what he’s done to this country!!

“Some people drink from the Fountain of Knowledge, others just gargle.”

~ Robert Anthony

Stranger:  Nice to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

This next one is from our good buddy Sasquatch and it’s an oldie, but a goodie AND it’s one of my favorite jokes of all time

An elderly man just nudges the rear end of an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the driver hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “You’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, “I don’t have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do.”

“Dolphins?”, the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes.

The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

“So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a bloody pulp”.

“I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly ten minutes later a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the side of the road.

When he’s finished, he walks over to his father and says: “for the LAST TIME Dad…. I train SEALS…. NAVY SEALS…. NOT dolphins”

Man, I love that joke, probably just because I love to see bullies get their just desserts.

The good news is, I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is, I’m pretty much who I say I am.

Great sex puts me in a great mood.

Also explains why I’m rarely in a great mood.

A man sees a job advertisment published on a building site, “Handy man wanted; apply within”.  The man goes to speak to the foreman and applies.

Foreman:  Can you drive a forklift truck?

Man:  No 

Foreman:  Can you plaster? 

Man:  No 

Foreman:  Can you brick lay? 

Man:  No 

Foreman:  If you don’t mind me asking, what’s handy about you? 

Man:  I only live five minutes down the road.

I fully intend to haunt people when I die.

I have a list…

There was a Roman Emperor who never aged after he turned 19.

His name was Constant-Teen

You come from dust and you will return to dust.

That’s why I don’t dust my house.
It could be someone I know.

And with that my dear friends, we’re going to call it an issue…an episode…complete.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness and keep you Healthy and Safe until we meet again.

It’s been a weekend.  Time if flying.  It seems like it’s going by so fast.  Just five minutes ago it was Thursday night and I was looking forward to a kind of three day weekend and now, as I write this, it’s late Sunday afternoon and I’m thinking about going back to work tomorrow.

It’s all going by so quick.  I don’t know if it’s just a sign of old age or if it’s God’s way of making time go by faster for me so I have less time to dwell on how lonely I am and bringing be closer to my heavenly reward faster and reuniting me with my dear Mary faster.  (and other loved ones) Don’t get me wrong, I am not anxious to die, not by any stretch of the imagination…or as the apostle Paul likes to say, “By no means”, but it does seem odd that time is actually flying by.  I have so much to do, and I’m always tired.  I try to stay busy.  Here’s how this coming week is planned out in my head.  And it is pretty typical.

Monday: Work 0630 to 1530, home by 1545, work on Dragon Laffs while making and eating dinner and feeding dogs and taking them out, Men’s Group 1745 to 2015 (includes travel time), study to 2130, bed.

Tuesday: Work 0630 to 1530, home by 1545, grocery shopping with Izzy till about 1730, dinner, dog routine till about 1830.  Work on Dragon Laffs (should finish Thursday’s issue) and study to 2130, bed

Wednesday: Work, (on base grief group from noon to 1300) home by 1600, dinner dog routine early, Jail Ministry 1745 to 2030, study, maybe start Saturday’s DL, pick Izzy up from work, study in car while waiting for her, bed at 2300

Thursday: Work (start of Super UTA Thursday through Sunday) hopefully off work by 1600, dinner dog routine, last week of free Thursday, starting next Thursday start a new Living Free Course that I am facilitating for next 14 weeks from 1830 to 2030, but this week going to use this time to work on DL and get ahead on next week’s course and of course, Bible Study., bed 2130

Friday:  Work (Super UTA) in-briefings for new commanders all day, maybe home by 1700, dinner dog, finish Saturday Dragon Laffs, Study in car while waiting for Izzy to get out of work, bed by 2300.

Saturday:  If I have students for class then class all day, if no students, then a short sleep in and Men’s Breakfast at church 0715 to 0930, Work 10 to 1700.  If students, work starts at 0600.  Try to finish Monday’s DL, probably not, study in car while waiting for Izzy again bed by 2300.

Sunday:  I already know I have students so work is from 0600 to 1700 and class all day on my feet and I should be dead by 1400.  But, I’ll have to die standing up and missing church.  Izzy is working again tonight, so I’ll probably finish up Monday’s DL tonight, do my normal routine while picking Izzy up at 10, even though they don’t get out until close to 1030 most nights and again I’ll be in the rack by 11. 

And that explains why my week goes by so fast.  There’s no time in there for watching TV or me time or anything else.  Which I guess is a good thing.  Now that I have it all written out I’m tempted to go back and erase it all, but I’ll leave it since I took the time to write it.  So for the rest of the issue…

You may not know this…
Many inanimate things have a gender:

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off it take a while to warm them back up again.  They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreck havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald, and it’s often over-inflated.
4) A hot Air Balloon is Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it, and of course there’s the whole hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female.  Ha!  You thought it would be male, didn’t you?  But consider this: it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying bills, or cleaning up after their kids.

Fact of the Day:
Hawaiian Alphabet – The question is, “How many letters are there in the Hawaiian alphabet?  The answer is: 13.

Another of my baby pictures.

My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany. 
She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn’t think I would wear it.
I replied, “Wooden tie?”

I have so many questions…

If you gave some people a penny for their thoughts, they’d have to give you back some change!

Keep your distance from people who will never admit they are wrong and always try to make you feel like it’s all your fault.

A couple of those could be on my list.

I don’t know why other than it’s a great picture.

If you’re having a bad day, remember that in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800.  Today it’s worth $285,000,000,000!!!

Are they still “Bad Habits” if I enjoy them?

A continuous part of my life now!

Be careful who you pretend to be.  
You might forget who you are.

Be yourself.
People don’t have to like you, and you don’t have to care.

Things haven’t been the same since the house fell on my sister.

And it will happen a lot faster and a lot sooner than you think.

Before you judge someone, ask yourself — What could they be going through?  What’s their story?  What’s happening in their life to make them respond this way?  Take a minute and think of all you’ve been through and all you’ve been forgiven for — and there is a good chance the judgment will be replaced with compassion and understanding.

It should be MORE important at our borders!!!!!!

Every since that middle schooler got in trouble at school for wearing the shirt that said “There are only 2 genders” I wanted to get one to wear around at work and around town to see how many people would start fights with me.  If the rainbow coalition can wear shirts that say whatever they want to say, why can’t he wear a shirt that says what he believes?  Because it doesn’t fit in with the democratic tag line?  Just like it’s fine to wear a shirt that says “Black Lives Matter”.  Of course they do, ALL LIVES MATTER!  But being a white guy, what if I wore a shirt that said, “White Lives Matter”?  Or even worse, Old White Lives Matter since I’m an old white guy?  What if I wore that shirt?  

No kidding.  You wanted them, YOU take care of them!!!

Sometimes the black sheep of the family is the only one who has the guts to tell the truth!

I don’t regret burning my bridges
I regret that some people weren’t on those bridges when I burnt them.

I was going to say, “Calgon take me away” but today I’m feeling more like “Jose Cuervo, you are a friend of mine.”

This next is from Lynn and it’s called “Food For Thought”.  We’ve seen a lot of them before, but some of them are new:

• How is it that the government can’t control gasoline prices… But the weather is something they can fix?

• If kids knew what they wanted to be at age eight, the world would be filled with cowboys and princesses. I wanted to be a pirate.
Thank goodness nobody took me seriously and scheduled me for eye removal and peg-leg surgery. —Bill Maher

• Why were we told to lower our AC usage on hot days to prevent overwhelming the electric grid while simultaneously being told to trade in our gas cars for electric vehicles?

• Why is canceling student debt a good idea? Does it make sense to reward people who do not honor their financial commitment by taxing the people who do?

• Does it make sense to cut off oil from an ally and buy it from an enemy who calls for your death?

• Eliminating the production of 500,000 American barrels of oil a day to buy 500,000 barrels a day from Russia is simply…well…stupid.

• Are we living in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended?

• Why is talking sexually in the workplace considered sexual harassment to adults…but talking about sexuality to children K-3 at school considered education?

• I saw a movie where only the police and military had guns; it was called Schindler’s List.

• Why are we running out of money for Social Security and Medicare and not for welfare, illegals and free college?

• If an 18 year old isn’t mature enough to own a firearm, then maybe five year olds aren’t mature enough to change their gender

• Nobody called it “Toxic Masculinity” when we were saving the world.

• Mice die in mouse traps because they do not understand why the cheese is free… Just like socialism.

• The most powerful governments on earth can’t stop a virus from spreading… but they say they can change the earth’s temperature if you pay more taxes.

• Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers? Ban sober drivers from driving. That’s how gun control and COVID lockdowns work.

This explains why the United States today is not the country that I grew up in.

Did you ever look around your family and think — somewhere there is a carnival running itself!

“I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.”

~ Gilda Radner

For those of you who don’t know who Gilda Radner was, do yourself a favor and look her up on line.  Look at her biography BEFORE you start looking at some of her old YouTube videos from the original Saturday Night Live.

And that’s a good place to call it an episode my friends.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

There are certain things that can be counted on in life.  Certain things that you can rely on to happen regularly or to happen in response to other things.  You can expect Joe from NJ to send us some golden oldie jokes…and as I sit here with my laptop on my lap, in my living room on Friday morning, starting off this episode of Dragon Laffs, I can glance a tiny bit to my left and see a screen full of emails from Joe that I know are full of jokes and memes waiting to be added to this and upcoming issues for all of our enjoyment.  Something to be counted on, relied on, expected and cherished. 

Going through my comments this morning I got one from Friggin’ Pete that said:

If you want to click on the link you can.  In a nutshell, 3 very young off duty Marines asked a bunch of teenagers to stop setting off fireworks when and where they shouldn’t have been setting them off and they got attacked.  About 40 teens had them on the ground kicking and beating them.  The fact that they were Marines just makes it worse, but that they would treat ANYBODY that way for asking them to stop doing something they shouldn’t have been doing is just appalling.  So yeah, the last thing, in this little opening statement that you can count on is that this Dragon is going to get angry, righteously ANGRY over the mistreatment of anybody, but most especially a service member.  When it’s worse than 10 to 1 and the young men are curled up on the ground and you are kicking them.  I agree Sammye, hung, drawn and quartered. 

Just to start off this laugh fest the right way, to be hung, drawn and quartered was to be dragged to the place where you were going to be hung, usually behind a horse, sometimes in some sort of device.  This was one definition of the “drawn” part.  Then you were hung by the neck until you were almost dead.  This is not the normal dropping you from a height to snap your neck kind of hanging, this was much more slow and torturous.  This took a bit of skill.  Of course this was the “hung” part.  Then, while you were still alive you were laid out on a table and you were cut open down through your abdomen where your intestines and sex organs were removed and thrown in an open flame near by especially prepared for this.  This part is the other definition for the “drawn” part.  Finally, your head was cut off and the rest of your body was cut into four pieces (“quartered”) and those pieces were normally spread around the area as a warning to other people.  And yes, I think that would be quite appropriate punishment to be brought back for such cowardly, mob related acts of stupid violence.  Could also be used on rioters who burn and loot other peoples property in the name of “Peaceful demonstration” is what I think the democrats called it.

Now that we’ve gotten that fun start to the issue… 

The new office-boy came into his boss’s office and said, “I think you’re wanted on the phone, sir.”

“What do you mean, you think?” demanded the boss.

“Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said ‘Is that you, you old fool?'” explained the boy.

Two little boys were arguing.

“My father is better than your father!”

“No he’s not!”

“My brother is better than your brother!”

“No he’s not!”

“My mother is better than your mother!”

The second boy paused. “Well I guess you’ve got me there. My father says the same thing.”

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:

A nose ring and bifocals

Spiked hair and bald spots

A pierced tongue and dentures

Miniskirts and support hose

Ankle bracelets and corn pads

Speedos and cellulite

A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar

Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

Bikinis and liver spots

Short shorts and varicose veins

In-line skates and a walker

You know those “Official” photos that you have to pose for when you are crowned king or made president?  This is mine from last year when I was anointed Grand Shaman of the Dragon Writers Guild.

An ugly old lady went to an auction sale.

There she was attracted to a parrot in a gilded cage. The parrot was large, very healthy looking and exquisitely colored. The old lady was so attracted by the parrot’s appearance that she couldn’t help but bid on it. She bid, determined to have the parrot, but another bidder competed and drove the price very high. The old lady eventually bought the parrot.

She was at the cashier’s desk and told the cashier that she was so excited about the beautiful appearance of the parrot that she had neglected to ask if it could talk.

The parrot spoke up, “Who do you think was bidding against you?”

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed  it. 

I had amnesia once — or twice. 

I went to San  Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what? 

Protons have mass?  I didn’t even know they were Catholic. 

All I ask is a chance to  prove that money can’t make me happy. 

If the world were a logical  place, men would ride horses side-saddle. 

What is a “free” gift?  Aren’t all gifts free? 

They told me I was gullible . and I  believed them. 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as  long. 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else  is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical  questions? 

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people. 

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every  problem begins to look like a nail. 

A flashlight is a  case for holding dead batteries. 

What was the greatest thing  before sliced bread? Hmmmm? 

My weight is perfect for my height —  which varies. 

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not  sure. 

The cost of living hasn’t affected its  popularity. 

How can there be self-help  “groups”? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Where  do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? 

The speed of time  is one-second per second. 

Is it possible to be totally  partial? 

What’s another word for thesaurus? 

Is  Marx’s tomb a communist plot? 

If swimming is so good for your  figure, how do you explain whales? 

It’s not an optical illusion.  It just looks like one. 

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings  taste like chicken? 

I don’t know if it’s true or not and that picture certainly doesn’t match, but it is a good story.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. 

He inquired of God, “Where have you been?” 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.” 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?” 

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.” 

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. 

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.” 

God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.” 

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?” 

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.” 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!” 

God replied wisely, 

“Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I’m putting next to them.” 

Guardian Angels do exist – ours just come very well armed.

This one is way cool.  I got it from a couple of different sources.

A kindhearted man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $20 and that continues for a year. Suddenly the daily handout changes to $10.

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily handout suddenly becomes $5.

One day, the beggar asks the kindhearted man, “What’s going on now?” “First you give me $20 every day, then it became $10 every day, and now only $5 a day. What’s the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to college to become a doctor specializing in the treatment of children’s cancer. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my daughter also went to college to work in medical science with hopes to find cures for diseases plaguing the world, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”

“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”

I think we’ve probably done this one before, but since I’m too old to remember…

Since  Youngsters  of  Today  have  their  Texting  Codes  *(  LOL,  OMG,  TTYL,  etc.)* 
the  Oldies  decided  not  to  be  outdone  by  these  kids  and  now  have  developed  our  own  codes  too  :
🔷ATD  –  At  the  Doctor’s*
🔷BFF  –  Best  Friend’s  Funeral
🔷BTW  –  Bring  the  Wheelchair
🔷BYOT  –  Bring  your  own  teeth
🔷FWIW  –  Forgot  Where  I  Was
🔷GGPBL  –  Gotta  Go,  Pacemaker  Battery  Low*
🔷GHA  –  Got  Heartburn  Again
🔷TFT  –  Texting  From  Toilet.
👍Now  share  this  with  some  other  oldies,  who  are  50+,  and  make  their  day👍”

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: “What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?” the minister asked.

“Try to fix it if it’s big; ignore it if it’s insignificant,” replied the lawyer. “What do you do?”

The minister replied, “Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say ‘the devil is the father of liars,’ but instead I said ‘the devil is the father of lawyers,’ so I let it go.”

As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets.

That changed when a kitten adopted me. The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”

I exlained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s getting neutered today,” I told him.

“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”

No, you really friggin’ can’t!

I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to!

I don’t know…all my noises and smells are explained.

An American with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a pub.

The landlord said, “Wow! That’s really neat! Where’d you get him?”

“In America,” the parrot replied. “They have millions of them.”

Every woman wants a husband who is handsome, understanding, rich, and loving.
But the law allows only one husband.

One woman’s hobby is another woman’s hubby.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.

If you can’t get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

A man owes his success to his first wife
and he owes his second wife to his success.

Love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

When a woman steals your Husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside are desperate to get out.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with;
only marry someone that you cannot live without.

There is no security on this earth, there is only opportunity.

-Douglas MacArthur (1880 – 1964)

Izzy sent this to me.  I hope it’s satire.  I truly hope it’s not real!

Doug goes to a doctor and says: “Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?”

The doctor replies, “Try coming home at 3 in the morning!”

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When Saturday arrived, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic after all, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“Why, what’s the matter, honey? I thought you’d be happy to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It’s too late!” the little girl replies sarcastically. . . “I’ve already prayed for rain!”

A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”

Yeah, that’s really true.  Nor Bigfoot (Yeti, Sasquatch (other than ours) Abominable Snowman, et al) 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.” 

“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” 

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!” 

“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” 

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. 

“That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!” 

WHAT          THE          HECK          !?!?!?

If you take all the veins, arteries and capillaries from a man’s body and lay them end to end in a straight line……

That man would die!

And that’s it again my friends.  May your day be blessed with love and happiness.

So, it’s Thursday when you’re reading this, although it’s Sunday when I’m starting it.  Went to church today and our pastor gave a really good talk on how it’s our responsibility to bring our ministry to others.  Also talked about the Armor of God.  Ephesians 6:11  Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 

We need all this and more to bring out to the world, to protect ourselves from what is going on in the world right now.  I would love to sit here and talk to you about all of this, to any of you who is willing to listen.  But Dragon Laffs has a different mission.  Well, similar mission, different game plan.  We still work for God, but with laughter.  We still fight with prayer and blessings, intermixed with finger pointing and more laughter. 

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this opening since I’ve written it and erased it and re-written it again.  Got a lot of stuff bouncing around in this big blue head of mine and I’m pretty sure that my medication is messing with me again, since I can’t seem to hold my eyes open half the time and then can’t fall asleep the other half of the time. 

So, rather than playing ping pong inside Impish Dragon’s head with his psyche, let’s go ahead and …

And as Stephanie pointed out, they are the tender ones.

This was NOT sent in by Marsha, although I bet it shoulda been.

That was kinda my thought…since when is looking up somebody’s butt “routine”?

Before you get as mad as I started to get over this one, keep in mind that she is suing.  Not that she won her suit or anything else.  Anyone can sue anyone for anything.  Personally, I think we should have laws about frivolous law suits, but as far as I know, we don’t in most instances.

Friggin’ Pete sent us a copy of Biden’s latest Presidential Edict:

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, and I gave him a few pats on his head.
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
“I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
“He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

World Traveler

Shhh!  I’m hiding Out!

This is “A Pocket Full of Puns” from Lynn

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, they’re, their.

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

And here’s a bunch from Joe from NJ who says, “Couple of these might be usable…”

• Did you know muffins spelled backwards is what you do when youtake them out of the oven?
• Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. 

• • They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. 
  • So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.

• I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. 

• • I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” 
  • The leader replied, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand-up chameleon.

• I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. 

• • I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.

• Just spoke with Bill Withers and told him “Ain’t No Sunshine” is bad grammar. 

• • He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.”

• Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. 

• • Then it’s a soap opera.

• The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song …

• • But the chick peas can only hummus one.

• Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court… 

• • It was a brief case.

• How much does a chimney cost? 

• • Nothing, it’s on the house.

• My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. 

• • I gave her an egg.

• Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. 

• • He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler.

• Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. 

• • Today was just the tip of the iceberg, and tomorrow romaines to be seen.

• My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. 

• • That’s right…Jack and the beans talk.

• I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. 

• • You probably have not heard of herbivore.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works … 

• • And then it struck me.

• Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. 

• • That’s right. The steaks were pretty high.

• I went to the paint store to get thinner. 

• • It didn’t work.

I think I need to apologize for both of them…but I won’t.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. 

The plot thickens.

This is Great Uncle Henry.  Great Uncle Henry fought in the Goblin Wars of ’67.  In fact, he was one of the Hero Leaders.   

Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of show and tell that day had been parents’ occupations. 

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.” 

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms. 

When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.” 

A college student has been thrown out of his apartment for not paying his rent, so he sends an e-mail to his father. 

“Please send money. I’m in the street.” 

The father replies, “Have no money. Watch out for cars.” 

Not a word!  I’d tell you a story, but the lady is no longer here to defend herself, but let’s say that it involved glasses and holding her hair up in a bun with a #2 yellow pencil…

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian. 

The motorist’s lawyer made this point: “Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years.” 

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: “Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over fifty years.”  

Feeling Old In 2023? This might be the reason why…

• The Beatles split 49years ago.

• The movie, ‘Wizard of Oz’ is 84 years old.

• Elvis died 46 years ago. He’d be 88 today.

• Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video is 41 years old.

• Mickey Mantle retired 54 years ago.

• The movie, ‘Saturday Night Fever’ is 48 years old.

• The Ed Sullivan show ended 52 years ago

• The Corvette turned 70 years old this year.

• The Mustang is 59.

Well, I wasn’t before, but now I am!!!  Thanks Joe!!

What does a a dog do that a man steps in ?   

>>>>> 

Pants

A man’s mind, stretched by a new idea, can never go back to its original dimension. 

-Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr., (1809 – 1894) 

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to a vet for advice. 

The vet tells him that the parrot’s beak is too long which is preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down for $100. 

The parrot’s owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered aloud if he could just file it down himself. 

The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough, the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water. 

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot. 

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man replies that his parrot is dead. 

“Did you try to file his beak down yourself?” asked the vet. The man nods his head. 

“And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?” 

“No,” replied the parrot’s owner, “he was dead when I took his head out of the vise.”

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?

She woke up with a kernel between her legs.

The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

“My dear!” he exclaimed, “I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!”

“OK,” she said, obediently changing positions, “but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position.”

Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath.

As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks “Momma what are those?”

She replies “Son those are my breasts,” as she turns her back to him he asks “Momma what is that?” she replies “Son that is my derriere.”

As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks “Momma what is that?” She replies “That son is none of your business!”

Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, “Hey honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies “None of your business.”

The son shaking his head says “YUCK!”

What an odd issue this turned out to be.  I ran out of time, didn’t get to do half the stuff I wanted to do, but at least you guys got an episode.  Until Saturday.