Got a message from Leah where she answered my egg question. She says she gets her eggs at $2.72 a dozen. See, I think that proves my point of there no longer being this crazy egg shortage or conspiracy or whatever-the-heck.

Yeah, I know, good morning everyone, heck of a way to start the conversation, jump right in talking about eggs, but if you could only walk a little ways in my talons…or better yet, like Pop Smith said last issue, spend 3 minutes in my head, that’ll freak you out.

Yes…YES…it’s been a weird couple of days. 

I’m trying my very best to get through it. I don’t really have any other choice, now do I? I went to one of my ministries tonight. Nobody showed. I know, what does that have to do with the price of eggs in Gnaw Bone? (That’s an Indiana joke, by the way)

My tinnitus is LOUD as … I don’t know what … but it’s driving me up the wall. I can usually ignore it, or at least push it to the back of my mind, but for some reason it’s more annoying than usual right now. I know, another useless bit of information. I’m just running out of things to say.

Shoulda said good morning first. But for now, let’s get on to the fun stuff and I’ll work out the weird stuff later. 

So, this is a long one with a lot of pictures. It is a well known story to a lot of us in “The Business”. Thanks to Wouter for sharing it.

Here is one brave Air Force Pilot, Captain Kim Campbell.  Her A-10 suffered extensive damage during Operation Iraqi Freedom in 2003.  For her actions, now Major Kim Campbell received the Distinguished Flying Cross.

Having worked on this beautiful fighter for many years myself, I can tell you that the pilots that fly in her love her, the ground troops love seeing this Warthog overhead and as a load toad, I enjoyed putting armament on her and sending her on her way.

I didn’t realize that August 21st was Senior Citizen’s Day. Not that I’m sure I would have found a reason to celebrate that, anyway…but here we are, about a week late … which might say something about us forgetful older folks … um … what were we … oh yeah … I think this picture is adorable, so we’ll let it go at that. Happy Belated Senior Citizen’s Day, ya’ll.  

Read this next one ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!!

Boyfriend: I will never lie to you, dear.
Girlfriend: How sweet!
Boyfriend: Now you tell me a lie.

Magic Genie: I am a magic genie. I will grant you three wishes.
Me: Genie, I wish you were bad at math.
Magic Genie: Your wish is my command! Okay, you have nine wishes left.

Yup … these are the things that keep one up at night.

Just one more in the MANY examples of why Germans don’t play Scrabble.

A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.

The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin… writing the answer… flipping the coin… writing the answer.   At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: “Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn’t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?

“The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: “Shhh! I am checking my answers!”

You know, in a weird way, that actually makes sense.  The problem is, statistically speaking, he’s going to get an F, based on a standard grading scale because he’s only going to get half the answers correct…actually…thinking about it…he only has a one in four chance of getting the correct answer in any given flip. He’d do better to just guess at each one.

I always took it as a suggestion … but that’s just me.

Yeah, yeah … we’ve heard it all before …

That’s also one of the ways you can tell that the Bible is the truth. What other “spiritual” book is so full of embarrassing stories?

The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!”

The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?”

The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”

Do I even need to say it?

I was a compulsive gambler. I finally quit and told my best friend that I would never gamble again.
He turns to me and says, “Wanna bet?

HEY!!! There’s NOTHING wrong with wanting to hear Freebird!

A man was selling his house and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made for a wonderful reading.

After the man read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all that it says here?”

The agent said, “You most certainly have… why do you ask?” 

The man replied, “Cancel the  sale, this house is too good to part with!”

While fixing his roof, a man fell off the ladder.

After meeting with his wife later, he told her that four ribs were broken.

“Four ribs broken?!” she gasps. “Which hospital did you go to?”

“I didn’t have to go to the hospital.” he replies.

His wife stares in perplexity. “Four broken ribs and you didn’t have to go to the hospital?”

“No, it was the fella I landed on who broke four ribs.”

My mate recently got divorced from his wife.
They decided to split the house.
He got the outside.

And that is it for today my friends. May you live long and prosper. May God Bless you and keep you and smile His face upon you. Until next time.

So it’s noon on Tuesday.

Why aren’t you at work, Impish.

Cause I went home sick. I really don’t feel good…in fact, I feel like garbage. I think it’s a combination of things. 

And that’s where I ended things on Tuesday. Now it’s Thursday and I’m home from work again. I feel better, but just need some time. I don’t want to go into everything here, but things are getting better.

Let’s catch up on a couple of things.

We are up to 19 total donations! That is awesome! I’m so proud of you guys. I truly am. We’ve gone over the top again this year. And here are our heroes:

Pop, Steven, Henry, Michael, Catherine, Donald, Stephen, Kristine, Leah, Edmund, Sammye, Kenny, Jonathon, Ted, Robert, Kenneth, Marian, Dale, and Joseph.

This is it. Last request. With the story. The deal always was that there would never be advertising on the website, that we would always pay for things outright. And I would keep doing this as long as once a year, I asked for donations and once a year you guys would cover the expenses. As soon as that didn’t happen I would know that my time had passed and I was no longer needed/wanted. I started doing this many years ago and you guys haven’t let me down yet.

I know some of you take it as a sign of respect and of participation and I’ve tried to tell you that it doesn’t matter to me if you donate a fifty cents or fifty dollars it was all looked at equally and I hope nobody felt like it was an obligation. 

Three ways to donate … I think we’ve only found three right now, although there is that cute little villager who still stops at the back of the castle with cart load of marinaded steaks that I like so well … but I digress.  Three ways to donate: First, go to the website at dragonlaffs.com and on the upper right is the donation button that takes you to my PayPal where you can donate. Now, you don’t need a PayPal account to use this, but I’ve heard tell that some folks don’t like to use PayPal and/or put their credit or debit card there.  For them we have options two and three which both involve getting ahold of me via email at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com where I can give you either A) my snail mail address to send a regular check (or cheque if you are British) or B) the correct email for transferring money through Zelle, which is NOT impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com, by the way.

That’s it. By all means, if you have any questions … or comments … feel free to write to me. I don’t always immediately respond since, you know, I have a real job and ministries and stuff that I take care of, but I do respond as quickly as I can. Always within a day of two.

So, without any further ado, 

Izzy’s flowers. She’s so very proud of these. Goes out every day and looks and tends to them.

I think I should mention here, just in case there’s someone from the younger generation watching here, that that last meme was SARCASM or parody maybe. But not honesty. DO NOT try that at home for crispy bacon.

I feel really bad that I felt it necessary to mention that. 

Don’t mess with Bob’s personal space…I’m tellin’ ya!

48 Laughably Bad Design Fails That Had Me Thinking “Someone Messed Up Here REAL Bad”

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, “I’d like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution.  But there’s a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree.”
 
The president nodded agreeably, “That’s not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!”
 
The rich man said, “An honorary degree for my *horse*.”
 
“For your horse???”
 
“Yep, you betcha.  She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot.  I’d like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation.”
 
“But . . . we can’t give a degree to a *horse*!”
 
“Then I’m afraid I’ll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution.”
 
“Well, wait a minute,” said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, “Let me consult with the school’s trustees.”
 
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. 

All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief — except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.
 
One trustee snorted, “We can’t give a *horse* an honorary degree — no matter HOW much money is involved.”
 
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, “Take the money and give the horse the degree.”
 
The president asked, “Don’t you think that would be a disgrace to us?”
 
“Of course not, ” the wise old trustee said.  “It would be an honour. It’d be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse.”

I love this one!

To: All Staff
From: Administration
Re: VA Hospital Costs
 
 
In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are effective immediately. Please share this information with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.
 
 
1. Food service will be discontinued immediately. Patients wishing to eat will want to get their families to bring them a brown bag meal, or you may make your own arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose.
 
2. Our phone operators have all been let go, so if your are walking through the lobby and hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.
 
3. We have found it necessary to make substantial reductions in our transport team so we ask the cooperation of all patients. One transporter will take at least six patients in wheelchairs at a time to Radiology, PT and other services. Please form a “train” by holding tightly on to the handles of the wheelchair in front of you.
 
4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can, please have your accidents and heart attacks in the mornings or early afternoons. That would really be helpful and will help to reduce your wait.
 
5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and outpatient surgery patients are asked to report to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Go to Central Sterile and pick up a clean instrument tray & surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce drug costs, please take several aspirin prior and drink a six-pack of your favorite brewskee before to arriving at the hospital for surgery.
 
6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan can check one out in the gift shop. They will be available in a wide variety of colors and styles to meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our patients. A deposit will be required but returned if the bedpan is returned clean.
 
7. To reduce patients’ lengths of stay, nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates or skateboards. To expedite response to patient’s needs and discharges, nurse call systems will be modified and will be wired to a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when pushed by the patient.
 
8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks which will, should the need arise, automatically drop from the ceiling over patient beds. If this occurs, please place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
 
9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on surplus white waiters’ jackets and these will be issued to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance because the jackets already had a first name embroidered on the pocket. We will work with you to find a name that you can live with.
 
10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics floor – not only will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give you a much needed experience and a dose of reality after ogling over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.
 
11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Family members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean public areas to receive special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
 
12. Plant operations and Engineering are being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE “How to…” series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
 
13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
 
14. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Walgreen’s photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Walgreen’s will honor all competitors’ coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across coupons from other vendors, please clip them and send them to the Emergency Department.
 
15. In light of the extremely hot summer temperature and the high A/C bills that we received last summer, our new policy is to have fans available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. For those patients who do not wish to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.
 
16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to escalate so patients are asked to bring their own pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on patient units.
 
17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of twin bed sheets. Should you require extra linens during your stay, coin operated washers and dryers are available for patient use.
 
18. Administration is assuming responsibility for grounds keeping duties. If an Administrator cannot be reached by calling the Administrative Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mover, weed-whacker, etc.
 
19. The hospital chapel will close down permanently so be sure to look up the number to “Dial-A-Prayer” if the situation arises for a spiritual consultation.
 
20. Please make sure you take a long hot shower or bath before staying with us because the hot water will be turned off permanently. If you’re well enough to take a shower or bath, you’re well enough to be at home.
 
21. With the recent finding that elevators use more electricity to go up and less to go down, please fit as many people as possible in the elevator before leaving the ground floor. The elevators will be programmed to go up only once an hour.
 
 
If you have any questions regarding these cost-cutting measures, please let us know. Thank you for your cooperation.
 
Administrator:  Edward Scizzorhan Veterans Administration Hospital: Flat Bush, Texas

Very much truth.

Understand this. I can’t say this enough. Understand THIS! We are all doomed to hell, each and every one of us, it is ONLY through the Mercy and Grace of God, and the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ and our willing acceptance of that sacrifice by the repentance of our sins do we escape our destiny in hell.

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital during the Great War. At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: “Fair fa’ yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”
 
The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient. Immediately, the patient launches into: “Some hae meat, and cannaeat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit.”
 
This continues with the next patient: “Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rousbeastie, O what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa saehasty, Wi bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, Wi murdering prattle!”
 
“Well,” the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last.”
 
“Nay, nay,” the Scottish doctor corrected him, “this is the Serious Burns unit.”

1 Moreover, brethren, I declare unto you the gospel which I preached unto you, which also ye have received, and wherein ye stand;
2 By which also ye are saved, if ye keep in memory what I preached unto you, unless ye have believed in vain.
3 For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures;
4 And that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures:

In Ancient Rome here were 4 types of poison.
Poison I, II and III would all kill you.
However, Poison IV, would make you really itchy.

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, “I don’t recognize this court!”

“And why not?” asked the Judge, sternly.

“Because you’ve had it decorated since the last time I was here.”

Especially not from THAT movie.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn’t wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory…
I didn’t like being spoken to in that tone of voice.

I have questions … serious questions.

“You should meet my husband. He makes a living with his pen.”
“Oh, so he’s a writer?”
“No, he raises pigs.”

A five-year-old boy surprised his father one day by saying, “I guess I’ll go outdoors and play ball with God.”

“Tell me, how do you play ball with God?” the father asked.

“Oh, it’s not hard at all,” answered the boy. “I just throw the ball up and God throws it back down to me.”

And that brings us to the conclusion of another fantastic issue of yours and mine favorite ezine. May your day be Blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I’m starting this one a bit early. It’s Sunday evening. I have a bunch of stuff to talk about, but I need to see how some things play out first, so instead of sitting here and postulating over “stuff”, let’s go ahead and get our laff on and get back to the “stuff” later.

Wait!

There are coffee elementals?

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

– Carl Sagan (1934-1996)

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
 
“My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!” the shaken man told the cop.
 
“The car hit you from behind,” the officer said. “How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?”
 
“I recognized her laugh!”

Historic knowledge or myths
 
In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras.  One’s image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are “limbs,” therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

A homeless guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
  
The bartender says, “No way, pal.  I don’t think you can pay for it.”

“You’re right,” the guy says.  “I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
  
“You have a deal, my friend,” says the bartender, “I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve seen everything.”
 
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.

He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Mozart.
  
The hamster can really play…
“You’re right… I’ve never seen anything like that before,” says the bartender. “That hamster is really gifted.” 
 
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?” asks the bartender. 
 
“Watch this,” replies the guy.

He reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.

He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
  
“It’s a deal,” says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.
The stranger runs out of the bar.
 
“Are you some kind of nut?” asks the bartender.

“You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy.” 
 
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is a ventriloquist.”

Keep scooting back until you see it…

32 Bits of History That Will Always Be Hilarious

And of course it was from…

Therapist: I need you to write letters to the people who have wronged you and then throw them in the fire.

Me: Okay, but what do I do with the letters?

“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch but I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back.”

Just then the door flew open and in bounced George. “You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me a half-million-dollar order!” 

“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”

We put our dog on a vegan diet,
and she’s doing really well…
She’s eaten two so far.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age; he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

He considered this for a moment and replied, “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

How the Media Would Cover the Apocalypse 

USA Today: We’re Dead

The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets As World Ends

Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple Loses Market Share

Sports Illustrated: Game Over

Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour

Readers Digest: Bye

Discover Magazine: How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?

Tv Guide: Death And Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

Lady’s Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs By Judgment Day With Our New “Armageddon” Diet!

Inc. Magazine: Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse

We have a new update!

Yup, I squeezed one more dollar sign in there. A huge and special thank you goes out to …

Pop Smith, Steven H., Henry S., Michael F., Catherine B., Donald G., Stephen B., Kristine M., Leah H., Edmund R., Sammye, Kenny B., Jonathon J., Ted H., Robert B., Kenneth R., and our latest…Marian M.

Thank you all so ever, ever much. You are such a wonderful group of people. All my readers are. May you all be Blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again next time.

Well, it’s Friday.

And I plan on sleeping in tomorrow morning.

That will probably amount to lying in about 20 minutes longer than I usually do, but maybe I’ll surprise myself tomorrow. Other than that, I’ve got nothing new to report, so how about we just jump into the fun stuff.

After a diner had finished his meal at a restaurant, the waiter brought him the bill, which read,
Omelete: $2.00
Tea: $.50
Take this back,” the diner said, “And rewrite it as omelette with two T’s.” The waiter obliges, as he takes the bill and leaves. A few moments later, he returns with a new bill, reading:
Omelete: $2.00
2 teas: $1.00

A diner at a restaurant is becoming very impatient with his slow waiter. “Excuse me,”   he says to the waiter as he passes by. “Have you been to the zoo?” “Why no,” the waiter replies.  “Well, you might enjoy it,” the diner replies. “You’d get a real charge out of watching the sloths dash around.”

Nice!

There is a LOT of belief there…

I want one, I WANT one, I WANT ONE! That is WAY cool! Wonderful job to whomever made that!

I’m learning this one…very…slowly.

For his birthday, Little Johnny’s parents gave him a bowl of goldfish. His mother carefully explains to him how much responsibility comes with owning a pet and tells him to make sure he remembers to give the fish the care they need every day. 

Johnny is responsible with the fish for about one week, after which he begins forgetting to look after them, leaving his parents to feed the fish and clean the tank.

After a couple of days, Johnny’s mom and dad bring the issue up to him.  “Now Johnny,” says his mother. “You have to be more responsible.” 

“Do you know how many times those fish would have died if we hadn’t been there?” his father adds.

“Uhm, I don’t know,” Johnny replies. “Once?”

Also Indiana…especially lately.

That has got to be the ugliest tree I’ve ever seen.

That is actually a great thought.

That is an AWESOME idea!

Teacher: “I have went. That’s wrong, isn’t it?”
Little Johnny: “Yes ma’am.”
Teacher: “Why is it wrong?”
Little Johnny: “Because you ain’t went yet.”

Okay…then what is it? These pictures always annoy me. I’m flying along, minding my own business and I think, sure, I’ll fly down, get a nice drink in that lake down there, and I end up in someone’s optical illusion! 

There should be an asterisk at the end of that with a footnote that says: *see Government work.

I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just won’t listen.

Izzy insists that this is AI, but I think it would be awesome if this was a real place. 

Okay, I did an image search and spent the last 30 minutes investigating this image. This guy DOES have topiary cats (not these two) and a whole … thing going on. Books for kids and what not based on his two cats. Quite interesting.

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if some people used a GLUE STICK instead of LIP GLOSS?

You know, I went to the grocery first thing this morning (Saturday) and besides the fact that it was the PERFECT time to go shopping, the store was empty of people and all the shelves were fully stocked. I did happen to buy a dozen large eggs and they were $3.15.  But when I went online to check and see what the average was over the last couple of years (I don’t use a lot of eggs anymore) Everything I saw was crazy. This was a screen grab from one of the more popular YouTube/TikTok whatever the heck videos that I found

Okay, so are high egg prices still a thing where you are? Even the organic, free range, you have to be a left wing, … never mind, anyway… even THOSE weren’t close to the $5.90 a dozen that this graph is showing was the AVERAGE in February!

What am I missing? I know Indiana is farm country, but we do corn … and I guess we do some chickens, but not like THAT!

Some of you guys chime in and tell me what you’re paying f0r a dozen Grade A large eggs and where you live. I’m kinda curious now.

Joe says, “How are the golf lessons going Mike?”
“Great, I learned I am standing too close to the ball….after I hit it.”

So, I got intrigued with the idea of “Walking Bacon” and made this up.

Yeah, I know, not my best work, but I like it.

There’s a lot of people in New Jersey that would probably argue with Miami about that.

This next one is from …

Wait for it…

It’s really gonna be worth it…

Made up special from Aussie Pete…

Here it comes …

Um… what was I … Oh Yeah! 

This next one is brought to us from …

Isn’t that cool? AP made that for her. But on a much more serious note. I may end up getting some hate mail for this one, but that’s alright. I don’t think I will. But, if someone wants to have a discussion about it, I’m more than happy to. So, if you’re curious what I’m talking about, this explains things in a GREAT way…still curious…click

HERE

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the train station so she could go visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train so that she could help with the house and kids over the weekend while my wife was gone. On Sundays, this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train 10 minutes before my wife arrived.  One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife’s arrival, a porter sauntered over.  “Mister,” he said, “you sure have some system going! But one of these days you’re going’ to get caught!”

There is less stress for men because, on average, we will have 6 items in the bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 77 (give or take a few), of which a man would not be able to describe or pronounce more than 25 of them.

And that my friends takes us to the end of another one. Until next time, I pray that you are Blessed with love and happiness.

Well…having been to the doctor on Tuesday and the dietician today, I’m not a happy dragon.

Although, I’m not completely unhappy either. I’ll not bore you with the details, but for those of you who know what this means, my hemoglobin A1C is at 8.6, which I don’t think is incredibly bad, but the doctors seem to think is horrible. It has crept up over the last few years from a 6.5. 

So, if I want to live a healthy long life, I’ll get it back down to the 6.5 where it was. And not discuss the length of life I desire. 

Sigh.

Nor the fact that these blankety blank dentures keep me from being able to eat real food. 

Anyway, enough of that crap.

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows.
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: About a half-gallon a day.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: About a half-gallon a day.
Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them?
Farmer: Which one?
Man: The brown one.
Farmer: She eats grass.
Man: And the black one?
Farmer: She eats grass, too.
Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine.
Man: Oh, and the black one?
Farmer: It’s mine, too.

This next one is hilarious! I gather this guy does this stuff all the time.

This link is from Stephanie…I really need to get her her own header…and it’s really good. I highly recommend clicking…

HERE

A helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing.  

Luckily there was a small cottage nearby.
 
The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door.  “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door.
 
She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.  “No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”

Help! “Send someone over quickly!” the old woman screamed into the phone. “Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!”

“This is the Fire Department, lady,” the voice replied. “I’ll have to transfer you to the Police Department.”

“No, it’s YOU I want!” she yelled. “They need a longer ladder!”

This next one is from brother Joe and it’s called Help Desk and some of these are just GREAT!

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
 
Female customer: A white one…
 
——
 
Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
 
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
 
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
 
Helpdesk: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note …”
 
Customer: No … wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry …….
 
——
 
Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
 
Customer: Your left or my left?
 
——
 
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
 
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
 
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and …
 
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates damn it!
 
 
——
 
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. 
Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’.
 I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
 
——
 
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
 
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
 
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.
 
——
 
Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am?
 
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
 
——
 
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.

Customer: It’s not working.
 
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
 
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…
 
——
 
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
 
Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
 
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
 
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
 
Customer: OK
 
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
 
Customer: Yes
 
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
 
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work!
 
——
 
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
 
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? –
 
——
 
A customer couldn’t get on the internet.
 
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
 
Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
 
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
 
Customer: Five stars.
 
——
 
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
 
Customer: Netscape.
 
Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program.
 
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
 
——
 
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
 
——
 
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
 
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you.  Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
 
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem?
 
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
 
——
 
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
 
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
 
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
 
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

And absolutely none of those surprise me.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. or a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.” The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

I’ve got a LOT more Pickles lined up next to go (I guess they lined up alphabetically in my files) so rather than keep going with them, for the sake of variety, I’m going to skip over them and go on to something else and come back to the Pickles next issue.

This is an old one, but I always liked it.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do Gods work.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. 

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. 

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction…
I read to the end and say, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”

“If we knew what it was, we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?”
– Albert Einstein

And that, my friends, brings another episode to a close. Tune in next time for another exiting edition of your favorite ezine.

Just as a reminder, there’s still time to donate to this year’s “let’s pay the bills” donation drive.

We’re still stalled out right here. Now, we’re close enough that I’m willing to push us over the top, so no worries.

Three ways to contribute, go to the website at dragonlaffs.com and on the upper right hand side you’ll see a place to donate that takes you to my PayPal site where you can donate. You don’t have to have a PayPal account to do so.

Second and third, you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can give you my snail mail address where you can send me a check, money order or the like or I can give you the email address where you can Zelle me. The Zelle email is NOT the impishdragon address.

Thank you to the 16 wonderful campers who have funded us for pretty much the next year.

May you all be blessed by God until we can meet again.