I’m not sure why Aussie Pete sent me the above header, or why he’s trying to celebrate Christmas in July, but who am I to question the genius of the AP?

So, today is Sunday and this one is going out on … I don’t know … sometime in the future. Actually in August I think. So, the whole Christmas in July thing is WASTED! I’m so ashamed!

But! I’m sitting here after church. I talked to buddy Wheats, who’s recovering well from his heart attack, I’m eating the world’s greatest cookie, the oatmeal raisin, and I’m writing to you guys, so I’m pretty sure that

So, with all of that …

I sent that picture to the Whelpling and told him that I had found him a new truck…he hasn’t responded. 

I LOVE that!  I’m going to start using that. For fairy tales, stories, lies, and war stories of all kinds. “Back when tigers used to smoke, we used to…” Just awesome! And I’m old enough to get away with that!

Power to the People!

The “Ribbed for her pleasure” part is a really nice touch by somebody. That just goes out of the way to prove that it wasn’t a mistake.

So very true. Fix it and move on, my friend.

Amen! And you are QUITE WELCOME to go back to there!

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.

Okay, you know this is coming, right?

1 Kings 19:12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. Learn to listen for that still small voice. Satan’s voice is a big loud voice. It’s meant to distract, confuse, and draw away your attention. The still small voice requires your thoughtful, concentrated, undivided attention…for a reason.

Humanity is losing its geniuses.
Aristotle died, Newton passed away, Einstein died…

…and I’m not feeling well today, either.

A man went skydiving for the first time. “It’s easy,” said the instructor.
“Just count to five and pull on the main chute,” the instructor continued.

“If that doesn’t open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute.”
“Super easy,” he concluded. “Then you’ll float slowly to the ground, and

our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport.”
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main chute. Nothing

happened. He pulled on the reserve chute. Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said:

“I bet that bus won’t be there to pick me up either.”

Jack: “I’m taking a weight lifting class. Every week the postal carrier brings me a new set of weights.”
Bob: “Gee, you don’t look like you’ve gained any muscle.”
Jack: “No, but you ought to see the postal carrier!”

I moved into a bungalow recently.
I was going to move into a house, but that’s another story.

Okay wait. So…if this guy had a total of ten towers, he would work a total of twenty days a year … no, let’s say he had to drive there the day before and drive home the next day so that means that he’d have to work a total of sixty days a year…the equivalent of 3 of our Monday through Friday Months. Or, if he did one a week. Drive there on Tuesday, climb the tower on Wednesday and drive home on Thursday, he would have to work twenty 3-day weeks a year and he would make $400,000 a year doing that. Or, if he really wanted to load down his schedule and do one a week … if there were that many towers around for him to do, he could do 52 3-day weeks a year for $1,040,000. I’m overwhelmed with the possibilities of this.

The Impish has been sayin’ that for a while now.

A three-year-old, WIDE EYED, little girl was on the phone, “I KID YOU NOT!

This guy in a white dress or robe tries to drown me! He puts me under water and my family just stood there taking pictures.”

Great Clock

Been there, done that.

My grandpa recently told me that my generation was too reliant on technology.
“No, grandpa, your generation is too reliant on technology,” I retorted as I unplugged him from life-support.

Has my mouth gotten me in trouble?

Yes

Has it made people angry?

Yes

Am I going to stop speaking my mind?

Not a chance!

Wife: I’m not talking to you!

Husband: Okay.

Wife: Don’t you want to know why?

Husband: No. I respect and trust your decision.

A pastor giving a children’s sermon on vestments asked, “Why do you think I wear this collar?”

One of the children answered, “Because it kills ticks and fleas up to 30 days?”

That’s it my friends. Time for dinner.  I didn’t get a chance to get an update on contributions because you guys haven’t seen the first one yet, so were still right here:

So, for the next issue we should have a NICE update. Go to PayPal by way of the website at dragonlaffs.com, or reach out to me for the other ways by writing to impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and until then, 

And hello again my dear friends.  I just finished off the last one, so I really don’t have anything to add to this one.

Oh wait! Yes, I do!

Tomorrow is August and it’s time to start our annual donation drive. Although I hate this time of year, let’s get this started. Here’s the deal. I do this as long as the bills are paid. I don’t put advertising on the website to raise money because I HATE advertising on websites. I don’t charge money to raise money or any of that stuff. Once a year I ask for donations. Since I’ve been doing this, every year we’ve met the expenses of this thing. As soon as we don’t, that tells me that my time has come and it’s time for me to do something else.

So, there it is. There are a couple of ways to donate. You can go to the website (dragonlaffs.com) and right at the top of the page is a donate button that will take you through PayPal.  

Some people don’t like PayPal, so if you’d like to donate by cash or check, send me an email at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I’ll give you my snail mail address. No, I’m not going to print it out here because I promised the local authorities not to eat people who burn crosses on my front lawn.

I can also do Zelle, which is bank to bank, which is way cool the more I learn about it. And I could probably stumble through Venmo if Izzy Dragon helps me out. 

So, there it is. This year’s Annual Pay The Bills Fund Raiser is now officially Open

And we have one green $ because we already have one donation.  Okay, I take that back. When I went and checked PayPal (I hate the new PayPal app), I found out that we have ANOTHER donation! So, I have to fix the sign… be right back.

Okay, so we have TWO green $ because we already have TWO donations. Special thanks go out to Pop Smith and Steve H. Thank you guys! Deeply appreciated!

Well, we are well on our way! BEST START EVER!

 

That one always hits me hard!

This one is AWESOME! LOL! LOL! Very short. Very funny. Click if you want a good laugh.

HERE

Or the people who think you park like an entitled princess.  

Chuck E. Cheese mascot busted for debit card theft in Florida: Police

A Chuck E. Cheese’s mascot has been arrested in Florida after a customer ratted him out as an alleged thief, police said.

A worker dressed in a Chuck E. Cheese costume at one of the kid-friendly pizza chain’s franchises in Tallahassee, Florida, was taken into custody Wednesday night on larceny charges and hauled out of the restaurant in handcuffs as children looked on, according to police and images of the incident that emerged on social media.

Click on the title for the rest of the article.

You sir, are a dead man.

Okay, so I had to check. Although it’s not used as much anymore, it is STILL used to instill vanilla and strawberry flavoring into foods.

31 Reasons Why Florida Is Basically Another Planet

Okay, so some of these are REALLY WEIRD and others are … so yeah … it’s Florida. Worth the read.

There is an old story about the data center of the future. 

This data center runs 24/7 with only a man and a dog. 

The man’s job is to feed the dog. 

The dog’s job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

My second-grade student came running up to me, whining. “Look what Robert stuck on my back!”  It was a sticky note with the words “Kick me, I’m stupid” written on it. 

I took Robert aside and lectured him on how to treat people with kindness and the importance of being polite and encouraging. 

A few minute later, I heard, “Look what Robert stuck on my back!” 

It was that first little boy, holding another sticky note. This one said, “Kick me, I’m smart.”

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember:

You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”
– John Gotti

This one just came in from Lynn…take if for what it’s worth.

Yeah, we’ve done that before and I’ve played the YouTube that goes along with it before…but I still like it because it brings back my childhood.

GREAT reference to another GREAT parable.

While perusing a curio shop in Texas, Harold’s eye is drawn to the skull of a horse sitting on a high shelf.

“Pardon me, but what’s this?’ he asks the shops keeper.

“That,” the shop keeper replies. “Is the actual skull of Trigger, the horse belonging to legendary Wild West hero Roy Rogers.” 

“How much is it?” Harold asks. 

“This little gem is $3,000.” 

Harold hadn’t wished to spend quite that much, so he asks the shop keeper if she had anything cheaper, upon which she reaches under the counter and takes out a smaller horse skull. “This is only $500.” 

“Well, that sounds like a good deal,” Harold replies. “Whose skull is it?”

“It’s Trigger’s skull from when he was just a colt.”

Such great truth!

Excellent Reasons to Give Pets Boring Human Names:

1. To see how long it takes co-workers to realize you’re talking about a pet and not a significant other (“Dave and I were watching a movie in bed the other night”)

1.b. or about a kid (“Maria’s not allowed to eat raisins, she’s allergic”)

2. You an use them as an excuse (“Taylor hates it when I get home late”)

3. Eventually you get to say things like “Jennifer got stuck between the wall and the refrigerator … again.”

I just ordered a special license plate for my vehicle:

BAA BAA

It should look cool on my black Jeep.

And that, my friends, puts another one to bed. I’m going to call it quits for today and probably start working on the next one slowly. I have homework to do for all my classes and trying to get things ready to go. So for now…

So, that’s what I got when I said “Create a dragon like me.”…so anyway, Good morning my friends.  Before we get started, I have to fix something that I was remiss about on Saturday.  Something I forgot to do.

I know, heaven forbid, there was something that I, the great and powerful Impish Dragon, forgot to do!  Right? But … oh look, squirrel!  

Right, something I forgot.

Stephanie’s birthday was Saturday and should have been in Saturday’s issue.  Now, of course on Saturday, I wished a happy birthday privately, but I have been wishing her a happy birthday on here for many years and didn’t want to break with tradition, but … as I get older and my mind begins to fade … 

NO!

QUIT THAT!  I forgot.  I was busy.

I hope you had a happy birthday dear friend.  Now, let’s move on for the rest of us.

We’ve lost a lot of people lately. We can only hope that they were all saved and headed to the right place.

No more guesses? Okay… fine. Be that way. No one is interested. So, let’s just get this out  of the way, after the next rotation I’ll show you which one is me. 

What’s a rotation?

Never mind. I know what it is, and it’s how I keep track of where I am in the issue.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.
 
The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”
 
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Do you know what pregnant means?” she asked.
 
“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

Okay, this is me:

The weird looking kid in the front. That’s me. I have no idea how or why this picture was taken.

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen them in person.  April of 71 I was 12 years old. I wouldn’t be 13 until later on that year.

Another really good one from Stephanie.  Click HERE

Yup!

So PERFECT!!!!!!!

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

-George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

When Joe from NJ sent this to me all he said in the subject line was AGREED!. So, this made me very curious (being a dragon) so I went on line and found this: it is a short, so don’t worry.

Okay, so a little tedious, but when I did a little more research, I found out that the full Brahms Requiem takes between 65 and 80 minutes I completely understood the quote. As patient a dragon as I am, and let me tell you, for a dragon, I am extraordinarily patient, I would’ve completely razed the performance hall after about ten minutes of THAT! Even worse to find out that it’s in German (which makes sense) and written to his mother.

Ummm…nope, never mind.

Does that sound like your church? It sounds like mine. Maybe not the physical building I go to ALL the time, but most of the time. But the CHURCH I belong to? 100%

What’s the difference between the building you go to and the church you belong to?

Thanks, I’m glad you asked. The building I go to is where me and other church members (and other people) meet to get recharged to go back out and serve the Lord. The other people go there to learn about the Lord. The Church is ALL of us who have given our lives over to the Lord. Does that make sense? Did I explain that well enough?

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. 

I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”

Another in the LONG line of “Why’s it always gotta be Bob?”

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. 

 “I’m sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.” 

One of his buddies asked, “What happened?  What could have gotten you so upset?”

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, “This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole.” 

“Oh my God”, the other golfers said.  “That must have been horrible!” 

“Horrible? You think it’s horrible?”

Bob continued still very distressed.  “It was worse than that! Every hole  for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball,  drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…” 

Another good one from Stephanie (of course) so click

HERE

Reenactment of a beautiful parable. I don’t know who this guy is, but he is doing such a GREAT job.  We’ve seen him before. Click HERE.

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry.”

“Hans Olaffsen?”, he muses. “How the heck does that fit in here?” 

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.  The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry?” 

The old man answers, “Is name of owner.” 

The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner?” 

“Me, is right here,” replies the old man. 

“You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?” 

“Is simple,” says the old man. “Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, “What your name?” He say, “Hans Olaffsen.” Then she look at me and go, ‘What your name?'” “I say, Sem Ting.”

And another

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go, and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth. 

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. 

“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.” 

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

“Two million dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” 

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”  

Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.  The lawyer replied, “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

That’s it for this issue my friend. I’m going to jump right into the next issue to try and get ahead.

This one may be a little short this time.  Today is Thursday and I’m prepping this for Saturday.

But that should leave you plenty of time, Impish.

You would think so, but it’s already a bit late on Thursday and tomorrow I am teaching a class on the Armor of God that I am SO pumped up about. I have REALLY gone over the top for this class.  My co-facilitator and I have been bouncing the made up lesson plan back and forth like all week getting it all ready.  See, normally we teach out of a curriculum that is more or less provided for us.  We put our own spin on that, but from what happened in the last class, I REALLY felt led to teach on this subject so I kind of made it up out of whole cloth (which means I like it a whole lot better). Not to be prideful or anything, but I believe I’m a bit of a better writer than those who are writing the books we’re working out of. One of these days I’ll publish here some of my real writing and you guys can judge for yourself.

Anyway, when I retire, I’ve thought of doing a blog just of religious writings, if for no other reason so that the Spirit would leave me alone and stop waking me up at 3 am with ideas.

But!

If I want to bring any laughter to you guys, I must, like dust, accumulate some electrons here and quickly!  So, without further ado….

Okay, so we’ve had another guess, and nope, that’s not me either.

Next topic … are these two a thing here in the states now?  I don’t watch a lot of TV anymore and I REALLY don’t watch a lot of THAT kind of news, but I got inundated with memes on them this week.

Well, maybe not as many as I thought, but even 3 is too many.

I know a lot of guys like this.

GREAT SONG!  Okay, so let’s find it!

1969!  How old were you in 1969?  I was 11!!!!  Wow!

And THAT is why we all detest politicians!

And then we have this one:

DOJ receives Gabbard’s criminal referral on bombshell claims Obama admin ‘manufactured’ Russian collusion hoax

Which we all knew was true for years, but just happens to come out at the same time that the Epstein (not sure I’m spelling that right) files are pointing at Trump. They are all liars and thieves, but at least Trump is doing SOME good.

Get ready folks, because the only thing that can cover all these cat turds up is a nice big WAR!  Besides the fact that this is all playing right into God’s hand anyway.  I can’t help but think that this, ALL OF THIS, sounds an awful lot like Matthew 24, starting in verse 5 when Jesus is talking about false teachers.  Don’t we have an awful lot of those out there right now.  All those impastors in the pulpits trying to convince us that good is evil and evil is good. 

Matthew 24 starting in verse 6, Jesus speaking: And you will  hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not troubled; for all these things must come to  pass, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. And there will be famines, pestilences, and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of sorrows. 

He goes on to say: And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another. Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds an AWFUL LOT like what’s going on right now.  Jesus was talking about the early birth pains of the tribulation.  And sweetheart, you don’t want to be here for that one.  I don’t plan on it.  I plan on being gone with the Rapture.

Wow.  I REALLY didn’t plan that.  That’s just my fingers doin’ what they want to.  Ain’t it great.

Yeah, I don’t have a Porsche either.

I’m ashamed to admit, this one took me a minute.  Then I laughed my head off.

Yup…that one would definitely be way too expensive.

Sorry, But It’s Actually Physically, Mentally, And Emotionally Impossible Not To Laugh At Every Single One Of These Pictures

You know, this is actually a great idea.

There is a great story about Mary and I and Little Caesars.  That’s where we met.  She started out working for me.  I took over the store she was working out as a temporary manager when the store manager had to have his feet operated on.  This was when I first got out of the Air Force and before I started working for the Air Force as a civilian.  Anyway, I was just supposed to manager this place for a couple six weeks while he recovered.  I was a brand new manager.  But, I turned the place completely upside down, doubled the sales, people were coming from all over Indianapolis to come to my store because in just a few short weeks they heard how good it was, so when the regular manager came back, the company wanted to put him in a different store because I had made this one mine.  It made him so mad he quit.  Mary wrote in her diary (she showed me this a year or so later) when she first met me, “I hate this new manager! He’s such a bastard!”  And then a couple years later I met up with her again and I was single and asked her out for coffee.  We both still worked for Caesars, but she was a manager then.  Always have a soft place in my heart for that company even though the original owners kids ruined it.

Heard a dramatic reading of this on the radio the other day and tracked down the original poem.  What a wonderful thing it is.

A man’s ex-wife called him at work wanting to know how to change the light bulb in the bathroom.

 

So he told her: “First, fill the bathtub with water…

I WANT ONE!!!!

What do you mean, “You don’t get it.”?  It’s a bad joke because there’s no punch line.

Oh, it’s so true!

Customer Service Department
B&Q
 
Dear Sir/Madam
 
My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on 28th November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world and arrive back in the same place 72 days later.
 
Could you please let me know when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away?
 
Yours sincerely

Well, I don’t know about that part about the cat, but the rest of all that is true.

Did they check to see if there was any whack on bench stock?

Ummm, me, too.

Okay, here, I’ll help.

Huh!  Well, look at that!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define ‘great’ he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”  He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages

“If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.”

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef

Give it a minute, you’ll figure it out.

Arial Division

Ground Division

Now you know…or Know you now.

How’s that trick workin’ out there for you Donaldo?

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
 
-Will Rogers (1879-1935)

There’s one not everyone will get!

I’ve got one very similar to that in my cave.  There’s no glass though.

Yup, so were the dogs.

Yup, and you really ought to read John 3:17 as well…For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Saved through Him. That’s the only way folks. No good works. No, “But, basically I’m a good person, I’m sure God will understand.” Nope, doesn’t work that way. “In order that the world might be saved through Him.” Hey, it’s in the instruction book.

This one is from brother Joe, in NJ.  How you doing brother Joe, hope you are well.  It’s called Girl Talk … don’t know what Joe knows about Girl Talk, but this is funny.

Girl Talk…

The Franklin Factor:

Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race:

If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription:

Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date. You’ll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule:

A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call:

Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It’s a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast:

They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.

But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis:

Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The Rope Trick:

Give a man enough rope and he’ll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter:

No one ever falls in love with another person’s mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder:

The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

 

Okay, warning, this one is also from Joe.

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working with him at his office. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite smitten with her and after a while it became obvious that she was very interested in him too.
 
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn’t do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with his girlfriend. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get on with Clearly.
 
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river.
 
The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing and smiling and singing.
 
 
What was he singing, you ask???
.
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.
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.Get ready, it’s good… 🙂
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.
I. can see Clearly now …. Lorraine is gone

No.  No Joe.  It really wasn’t.

Stephen is going to start sending us Ripley’s Believe It or Not! so we can start a new section.  I’m thinking of putting it right here. What do you think?  Guess I’ll need a header.

But, until then, may all be well with you and…

So, another race to the finish, but first, since I haven’t gotten a single update to this for a while now, this may be the last update to…

Here are the totals that I have as of now:

I really thought with over 500 subscribers … but then again … maybe we really don’t have that many and there’s only a few of you who actually read this rag.

Meh!  Who cares.  I’ll look into it later.

Moving on.

I only had one guess as to which one was me from fifth grade…and it was wrong.  Did you guess right?

Hmm, which one grew up to be the devilishly handsome Impish Dragon?  Okay, I’ll give you a hint.  A little further down, I’ll show you the wrong guess.  For now, 

Here’s some on a theme…

And two more on a different theme…

And as far as themes go for now…

Believe it or not, in my military career, I’ve slept worse than that!

This next is definitely an OLD joke.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting.

So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together FOREVER?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Now come on.  You KNEW you were going to get slapped for that!

You ought to get slapped for that one, too.  But I don’t have a gif of a kid slapping a mom!

Oh so true.  So very, very true.

Smells like old beer and vomit.

I would completely disagree!!!!!

 

With the word “useful”!

Bob and George are golfing when a bird flies overhead. “Wow! What a big duck!” Bob says.
“That’s no duck, it’s a goose.” George says.
“No, it’s a duck!” Bob says.
“I say it’s a goose!” George says.
And so, the argument went.
“Duck!”
“Goose!”
“Duck!”
“Goose!”
“Duck!”
“Goose!”
Another golfer behind them, playing the hole, yells, “Fore!” and hits the ball.
Bob sees the ball coming and yells, “Duck!
“George yells back, “Goose!”   
BONK.

Wow!  I know that game!  I play it every day!

I LOVE IT!!!!!

8am: Too tired to think.
Noon: Too tired to think.
5pm: Too tired to think.
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

Okay, I almost forgot, here’s your hint.  Here’s the guess that was made.

I didn’t at first, but Aussie Pete fixed me up!

And just stare straight ahead.

My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits … and their bulging stomachs.  Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, I said to my wife, “I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.” 

She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, “You’re the only one who has to.”

Not quite as good as being rich in Monopoly.

The old lady had a parrot who had never spoken a word in eight years. She had tried everything she could think of to teach him to speak, from reading books, magazines, and newspapers to him, playing the radio and TV around him, and inviting friends over for a chat, but nothing ever seemed to change. 

One day, the lady was working in her garden; the parrot’s cage was right by a nearby window. Suddenly, lo and behold, the parrot yelled, “Look out!” 

Unfortunately, the lady didn’t hear him and was immediately chased away by a swarm of angry bees.

The parrot tsks and shakes his head indignantly. “Eight years she spends teaching me to talk and then I can’t get her to listen.”

That’s pretty much why I own guns.  Yes, plural.

Two Aussie men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies (a small parrot native to Australia), one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun. 

The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too. 

As the second guy falls the parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks.

They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!” 

The second guy lets out a groan and says, “I’m really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” 

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office.”

There is so much (funny) truth in this!!!!

I laughed SO HARD!!!!!

I remember the day after my son was born, I walked in the hospital room and they were changing his diaper. I looked at him and exclaimed ” man, Teri look at the size of his willy, it’s huge!” “I know, Pete” she replied…..”But at least he’s got your ears.”

‘Doc, I’m a mechanic. I work for a racecar driver. It’s utterly depressing … I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never – not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin.

It’s depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I’ll never get to enjoy it.”

“Well. sir, I think I understand just fine – my brother in law has the exact same problem,” answered the psychiatrist.

‘Is he a mechanic too, doc?’ asked the mechanic.

The psychiatrist replied, ‘No, he’s a gynecologist.”

And that my friends is … 

I’m sorry, what?

I didn’t tell you which one was me?

No.  No, you’re right.  I didn’t.  But, on the flip side, only one of you even guessed, so I just figured none of you cared.  

So, until next time my friends …