I really do like that header. Turn your wounds into wisdom. You can also say, turn your grief into forgiveness.
I saw the replay of where Charlie Kirk’s wife forgave the shooter. I gotta say, I’ve never seen such strength in all my life. I pray that if ever needed that I, too have that kind of strength. I’m not sure I ever would…but I pray that I would. Jesus asked God to “forgive them for they know not what they do.”
But He’s God.
I’m but human.
A sinner.
I would definitely need the strength of the Lord for something like that…as I’m sure did she. It made me cry. I wonder if the shooter got to see it. I hope his conspirators did.
In other news, I put some new artwork on the bike.
Please ignore the mess in my garage. I’m in the process of correcting that. I was supposed to have a new license plate holder to go with it, but I guess I messed up and the one I ordered ended up being for a car instead of a motorcycle so the replacement is coming tomorrow.
Anyway, I’ve got a meeting I’ve got to get to in a few minutes. I want you guys to keep me in your prayers this weekend. I go for my Safety Class on Saturday and Sunday and for my full endorsement on my license. I’m going to try to get an issue out for Saturday, but if I don’t get this one done on time, this may BE Saturday’s issue instead of Thursday’s like I’m planning. Today is Tuesday when I’m starting it. I’ve got jail tomorrow night, FBI on Thursday night which would leave me Friday night to do Saturday’s issue…and that’s if I get this one done after I get home from the meeting I have to leave for shortly…we shall see.
Maybe if nothing else this can be a short issue. But for now…
Harley Davidson Johnny Cash Special I saw at a Car and Motorcycle show I was at last Saturday.
I just want you to know that if I win the Powerball tonight, it won’t change me. It will change my phone number, my email address, my mailing address…
I’ve seen this next quote before and I LOVE IT!
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
How does the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?
Meat Patty
Police are on the lookout after a man has been breaking into farms and stealing cows. They are looking for a male with a large moo-stash.
My girlfriend isn’t the brightest bulb. One day when she was being particularly dimwitted, I said in frustration, “What’s your IQ anyway?!” She shot back defiantly, “20/20!”
“Doctor, Doctor, I Feel Like A Dustbin.” “Don’t Talk Rubbish!
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night, the doorbell rings.
The first kid at the door says, “I’m Eddie, I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going for spaghetti, is she ready?”
The father, mildly amused, answers, “Yes.”
The second kid comes to the door and says, “I’m Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?”
The guy, now perplexed, answers, “Yes.”
A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again. A kid says, ‘Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?’
The guy, becoming annoyed, answers, “Yes.”
The doorbell rings one more time, and a kid standing there says, “Hi, I’m Chuck . . . ”
The father shot him.
Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.
– Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)
I have questions…
I agree…I love this analogy, also.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you.” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”
And with that blast of positive motivation, I’ll let you get back to your day. So, this made it out on Thursday after all, and we’ll hope for Saturday. May God Bless you with Love and Happiness, Strength and Comfort until we meet again. My love to you all.
Another great ride today, but you guys don’t want to hear about that, do you? But, I will say this, I was on old US 24 at 60 mph, winding through the the Indiana countryside out for 30 minutes, visited with friends and then back for 30 minutes. It was my farthest ride yet. I think I’m ready for next weekend for my course and test. I guess we’ll see.
I’ve had a request for how to make a donation using a credit card. The easiest way to do that is through PayPal. If you go to the website of dragonlaffs.com on the right column near the top you’ll see this:
If you click on that, it will take you right to the donation site where it is really easy…as a matter of fact, if you click HERE, it will do the exact same thing.
Okay, that’s about as easy as I can make it. And to those who asked, thank you very much. And from here …
Therapist: “I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?” Me: “Can’t say I do.” Therapist: “That’s one of them!”
I laughed so hard at that one!
The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.
The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.
The next employee also declined the (now) $20k bonus and elected to double and pass it on. “Wow,” thought the CEO, “even 20k is being passed on! What a sense of camaraderie on this team.”
The next employee also chose to double and pass on. This continued for 6 more employees and the bonus offer now stood at over $2.5 million. In a panic, the CEO had to call his wealthy father to get a loan, otherwise his business will be bankrupted.
Meanwhile the nine employees were in the kitchen deciding how to evenly split $2.5 million.
That makes an enormous amount of sense! It’s PERFECT!!!!
And yet AGAIN, it makes perfect sense!!! Guess what month my birthday is… go ahead, guess?
WRONG! It’s April! No, I’m kidding, of course it’s December! It has to be December! It all makes sense.
Yeah, sometimes gothic castles aren’t all that they’re cracked up to be…unless they have a nice dungeon for a dragon.
After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barbershop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist church.
The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water and said, “That will be $20.”
The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.
The next morning the man looked in the mirror and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barbershop the day before. “Not bad,” he thought. “At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.”
The next morning the man’s face was still smooth! Two weeks later the man was STILL unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barbershop.
“I thought $20 was high for a shave,” he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”
The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved.”
The very BEST explanation I’ve EVER heard!
Joe sent in a great new diet!
Italian Pasta Diet
IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
Look close, you’ll get it.
But, I like nurses. They are some of my favorite people. Most of the nurses I’ve met are really sexy!
Dear Boss…
To ensure that you have a good time on your upcoming trip to Australia, your loyal team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours:
Day 1… “Those Marvelous Morays”
This exciting tour will once take you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.
Day 2… The “Great White Encounter”
You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and personally experience the beauty of the Great White shark.
Day 3… The “10 Deadliest Snakes Fall Tour”
You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world’s 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 4… The “Crocodile Dundee Petting Zoo”
You will be able to come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5… The Aboriginal “Festival of Spears”
You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
Your loyal employees.
Ok, it’s official. I’m getting old.
The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store.
Coming into the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old, blonde. God, she was hot.
My thought? “I wonder what her mother looks like.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.” The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do.” said Bob
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
“I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.” “Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers to make some easy money…
Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver.
They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes like Bonnie and Clyde. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught by the FBI.
At trial, they are convicted and the judge gives Mary ten years in prison because she used a gun in the crime, while John gets only two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to an unbelievable clerical error, John will be serving ten years and Mary only two years. Despite her insistence to have the mistake corrected, John convinces Mary to just keep quiet about it.
After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.
Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and he is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and they start anew, leaving their life of crime behind them. They raise a family with children and then grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy life together.
At their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and all their friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.
Eventually, the conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships that involved.
Mary answers, “Well… you know that you have found the ‘One’ when you finish each other’s sentences…”
One day a Blond, a Brunette and a Redhead all go hunting…
When they get to the campsite, they set up their tents and the brunette immediately goes into the woods with her gun. A few hours later, she comes back to camp with a huge 8 point white tailed deer.
The Redhead and the Blonde are very impressed and they ask her how she managed to kill it. “I followed the tracks, and I got the deer,” was her answer.
After breakfast the following morning the Redhead went out hunting. After about half the day she comes back dragging a giant black bear. The Brunet and the Blond are astounded and they ask how she was able to kill the bear. The Redhead answers, “Well, I just followed the tracks, and I got myself a bear!”.
That evening after an early dinner the Blond goes out into the woods hunting. The following morning she drags herself into the camp all bloody and mangled. The other two girls’ eyes go wide and they ask her, “WHAT HAPPENED TO You!?!?”.
The Blond replies in a faint voice, “I followed the tracks too… but I got hit by a train…”
Moe: “Where did Larry go?” Curly: “He’s round in front.” Moe: “I know what he looks like, I just wanted to know where he went.”
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table. The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire. “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.
He was expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters. Instead, he heard the following from one quick wit in the back, “You got the right place!”
And that’s it my dear friends. Until next time or until we meet in the air. Yes, rumor has it that the Rapture happens on Tuesday. I love hearing this predictions since even Jesus says that only God knows the time and day.
Although, we are also told of the signs, like the beginning spasms of birth pains, when the end is approaching, and if anyone can’t see that the world is spasming right now, then they aren’t paying attention.
People have been calling for and predicting the Rapture for years, but personally, I can’t help but feel that it is close. Please my friends, if you are not right with God, get yourself so. And may our Heavenly Father Bless each of you until we meet again.
I just had one of the greatest rides I’ve had on the new bike! It was short, but it was wonderfully fast! I was up to 75 (okay, so it was in a 55 and that’s WRONG, but I had to stretch her legs) (and I had to prove to myself that I could do it … it has been 40 YEARS!!!) and she was smooth as silk! Took the curves like a dream, ran like the magnificent machine that she is! It was wonderful.
Okay, now that I’ve got THAT out. …
Well done is better than well said.
– Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break.
For me, it’s biting my fingernails.
One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”
Teacher: I hope I didn’t just see you looking at Harry’s paper, Raymond! Raymond: I hope so too, teacher!
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.
“You say you have experience selling books?”
“Lots of it,” replies Jim.
“And you have a Master’s in American history from the University of Michigan?”
“Correct,” replies Jim. “History is my field of study.”
“Well then,” says the sales manager, “As soon as I can completethis form, we can get you started in the firm.”
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, “Fine looking men. Your partners?”
This next one is about a half hour long, but it is SO funny. I laughed most of the way through it. So, fair warning.
Wow! This guy is so good!
The website is cool, motorcyclemissionary.com. Just spent a lot of time there looking around. Giving me ideas, but let’s move on. And thanks to Vincent for sending in the article!
Should be able to use this for something, I thought…nah! It’s just funny.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brothers. Did you copy this?
Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.
Al: I got fired from my job as a bank guard. Sam: What happened? Al: A thief came into the bank. I drew the weapon and told him that if he took one more step, I’d let him have it. Sam: What did he do then? Al: He took one more step, so I let him have it. Who wanted that stupid old gun, anyway?
“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?” “Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win… If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”
“Wake up, honey. It’s time to go to school.” “But why? I don’t want to go to school.” “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.” “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.” “Oh, that’s no reason. Come on, you have to go to school.” “Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?” “One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal!”
That’s it dear friends. Another one in the bank. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. May God Bless you with love and happiness until we meet again.
It’s Sunday afternoon. Had a good church service. Jumped in the car and went to town to drop off all the stuff that Izzy and I gathered to Goodwill, came home and did all the normal Sunday chores, gathered and took out the trash since our trash day is Monday and set up my weekly medicine. Had a bite to eat and now it’s 4 pm and I’m starting Thursday’s issue.
It is an absolutely gorgeous day out and I really feel like going for a ride, but something is holding me back and I don’t know what.
And rather than sitting here agonizing over it … like I have been for the last fifteen minutes, I’m going to press on with DL and see where I end up, so Let’s GO!
When Ruth’s grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, “Oh no, oh no, now I can’t be a doctor when I grow up.”
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn’t. Finally, she asked, “Why can’t you be a doctor?”
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, “Because now I will have to be a pirate!”
FAMOUS ATHEISTS’ LAST WORDS BEFORE DEATH
1. CAESAR BORGIA—Italian nobleman, politician, and cardinal: “While I lived, I provided for everything but death; now I must die, and am unprepared to die.”
2. THOMAS HOBBS—Political philosopher: “I say again, if I had the whole world at my disposal, I would give it to live one day. I am about to take a leap into the dark.”
3. THOMAS PAYNE—The leading atheistic writer in American colonies: “Stay with me, for God’s sake; I cannot bear to be left alone , O Lord, help me! O God, what have I done to suffer so much? What will become of me hereafter? I would give worlds if I had them, that The Age of Reason had never been published. 0 Lord, help me! Christ, help me! No, don’t leave; stay with me! Send even a child to stay with me; for I am on the edge of hell here alone. If ever the Devil had an agent, I have been that one.”
4. SIR THOMAS SCOTT—Chancellor of England: “Until this moment I thought there was neither a God nor a hell. Now I know and feel that there are both, and I am doomed to perdition by the just judgment of the Almighty.”
5. VOLTAIRE—famous anti-christian atheist: “I have swallowed nothing but smoke. I have intoxicated myself with the incense that turned my head. I am abandoned by God and man.” He said to his physician, Dr. Fochin: “I will give you half of what I am worth if you will give me six months of life.” When he was told this was not possible, he said “Then I shall die and go to hell!” His nurse said: “For all the money in Europe I wouldn’t want to see another unbeliever die! All night long he cried for forgiveness.”
6. ROBERT INGERSOLL—American writer and orator during the Golden Age of Free Thought: “O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul!” Some say it was said this way: “Oh God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul, from hell, if there be a hell!
7. DAVID HUME—Atheist philosopher famous for his philosophy of empiricism and skepticism of religion: He cried out loud on his deathbed “I am in flames!” It is said his desperation was a horrible scene.
8. NAPOLEON BONAPARTE—French emperor who, like Adolf Hitler, brought death to millions to satisfy his greedy, power-mad, selfish ambitions for world conquest: “I die before my time, and my body will be given back to the earth. Such is the fate of him who has been called the great Napoleon. What an abyss between my deep misery and the eternal kingdom of Christ!”
9. SIR FRANCIS NEWPORT—Head of an English Atheist club, to those gathered around his deathbed: “You need not tell me there is no God, for I know there is one, and that I am in his presence! You need not tell me there is no hell. I feel myself already slipping. Wretches, cease your idle talk about there being hope for me! I know I am lost forever! Oh, that fire! Oh, the insufferable pangs of hell! Oh, that I could lie for a thousand years upon the fire that is never quenched, to purchase the favor of God and be united to Him again. But it is a fruitless wish. Millions and millions of years will bring me no nearer the end of my torments than one poor hour. Oh, eternity, eternity forever and forever! Oh, the insufferable pangs of Hell!”
10. CHARLES IX—The French king. Urged on by his mother, he gave the order for the massacre of the French Huguenots, in which 15,000 souls were slaughtered in Paris alone and 100,000 in other sections of France, for no other reason than that they loved Christ. The guilty king suffered miserably for years after that event. He finally died, bathed in blood bursting from his veins. To his physicians, he said in his last hours: “Asleep or awake, I see the mangled forms of the Huguenots passing before me. They drop with blood. They point at their open wounds. Oh! That I had spared at least the little infants at the bosom! What blood! I know not where I am. How will all this end? What shall I do? I am lost forever! I know it. Oh, I have done wrong.”
11. DAVID STRAUSS—Leading representative of German rationalism, after spending a lifetime erasing belief in God from the minds of others: “My philosophy leaves me utterly forlorn! I feel like one caught in the merciless jaws of an automatic machine, not knowing at what time one of its great hammers may crush me!”
12. JOSEF STALIN—Soviet Georgian revolutionary and politician. In a Newsweek interview with Svetlana Stalin, the daughter of Josef Stalin, she told of her father’s death: “My father died a difficult and terrible death. . .God grants an easy death only to the just. At what seemed the very last moment, he suddenly opened his eyes and cast a glance over everyone in the room. It was a terrible glance, insane or perhaps angry. His left hand was raised, as though he were pointing to something above and bringing down a curse on us all. The gesture was full of menace. . .the next moment he was dead.”
13. ANTON LEVEY—Author of the Satanic Bible and high priest of the religion dedicated to the worship of Satan. One of his famous quotes was: “There is a beast in man that needs to be exercised, not exorcised”. His dying words were: “Oh my, oh my, what have I done, there is something very wrong. . . there is something very wrong.”
14. GANDHI—At his death, he said, “For the first time in 50 years, I find myself in the slough of despond. All about me is darkness. . .I am praying for light.”
BELOVED, compare these last words from atheists, with these last words, from these saints of God:
THE APOSTLE PAUL: “O death, where is thy sting?”
KING DAVID: “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no Evil.”
AUGUSTUS MONTAGUE TOPLADY (1710-1778): Toplady will ever be famous as the author of one of the most evangelical hymns of the eighteenth century, “Rock of Ages,” which was first published in 1776.
During the final illness, Toplady was greatly supported by the consolations of the gospel: “The consolations of God, to so unworthy a wretch, are so abundant that he leaves me nothing to pray for but their continuance.”
Near his last, awaking from a sleep, he said: “Oh, what delights! Who can fathom the joy of the third heaven? The sky is clear, there is no cloud; come Lord Jesus, come quickly!” He died saying: “No mortal man can live after the glories which God has manifested to my soul.”
Lastly, JESUS CHRIST said: “I am the resurrection and the life. He that believeth on Me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.”
Only fools never learn from history, and it’s amazing that even in our days, with all these facts on our fingertips, someone with a mind can devote his entire life to a delusion, and want everyone to know that there is no God. No wonder the bible says, “Only fools say in their hearts, there is no God.” (Psalm 14:1)
I could not possibly, have said it any better myself.
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
“I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in from America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”.
“Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the American.
“I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman, “after all, he’s been away for a long time”.
“I wonder if he’ll recognize you?” said the American.
“Of course he will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an’ I haven’t been away at all”.
Yeah, and? That’s about what I had this morning. I remember a pancake being there, also.
At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, “So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?”
“Well, I suppose,” she replied, “I’m still cooking it.”
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn’t keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.
“Three times,” gasped Manny admiringly. “How’d you do it?”
“It was easy.” Joe looked down modestly. “I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten- minute nap.
When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I’ll tell you.”
“I gotta try it,” said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
“What’s up, Boss?” he asked. “I’ve been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren’t going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?”
“What twenty minutes?” growled the boss. “Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?
Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world!” Caddy: “I don’t think so, sir, that would be too much of a coincidence!”
The definition of a “gimme” in golf can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers… Neither of whom can putt very well.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if a Bloody Mary counts as a smoothie.
A whole bunch of pictures caught right at the RIGHT moment!
Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young son’s room. She finally had to ask, “Johnny why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?”
He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar.
The mother quickly replied, “God gave it to you? How did this happen?”
“Well mom, you give me a dollar to give to God. So before church every Sunday , I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he’ll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me.”
“Can I buy a live shark here?” “Lady, what do you want with a live shark?” “A neighbor’s cat has been eating my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson.”
And that’s it my friends. I hope you enjoyed. May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.
Started the day with Men’s Breakfast at the church. Great message. Great conversation afterward, went longer than it normally does. Then I took Izzy to breakfast, brunch for her late birthday celebration. We had a nice time. Then we immediately came home and I put her to work.
We deep cleaned the bathroom. DEEP cleaned the bathroom. Then swept and mopped the kitchen and dining room floors and vacuumed the rest of the house.
Then we moved into my room where we got into all the old shelves and stuff where a lot of stuff had been stored since before Mary’s passing. There is a HUGE box to go to Goodwill, a big bag of trash, a lot more room in my room, a a few tears expelled on both of our parts.
After the wonderful ride in the country I had yesterday, there was NO ride today because it’s raining and thundering out. Now, I’m brave, but I’m not THAT brave. So, I’m caught up on my homework…more or less, so it’s time to spend the next couple of hours with you guys, so without further ado…
YES!!! I’ve been saying that forever!!!
This would be a good place to break for a mail call… Let’s start with Night Guy:
Recently you asked about the price of eggs, this week they were $2.41/dozen at the local Aldi store. Down nearly $2 a dozen. Also that “Idiots in service” thing reminded me when I had ATT DSL and no phone. The wire broke, outside in the wind, I went next door to use the phone, the guy said he’d send a guy out but the service guy would have to call me first. No phone? Didn’t matter, the service man would have to call or not come. I couldn’t get him to understand I didn’t have a phone. My neighbor finally said he’d take the call for me, but he wasn’t going to be home, so the ATT guy took his number, the service guy called him, neighbor told him to get to my house and hurry because I was, uh, upset. He came, fixed the line and it worked until I left ATT. But the call guy couldn’t understand that with no phone I couldn’t be called.
I think it’s the whole engineer mentality. Even when their not full-fledged engineers, it’s like it’s still there. “What do you mean it works fine? Then it doesn’t have enough options!”
Leah has an interesting take on the new bike:
I am immensely happy for you!
Now maybe your son will let you ride with him!
Or maybe a woman is going to make moves on you.
Yup, that there can change your life around, get your numbers lined up.
Ummm … hmm, let me ride with him. I’m going to MAKEhim ride with me. No, I’m kidding. Actually, the whole idea of the trike originally was for a way to spend more time with him and my grandson who has decided to ride…or maybe not now … we’re not really sure at this point. And the woman making moves on me … let’s not go there Leah. Going to dinner or a movie, maybe, riding on the back of a motorcycle that is relearning a new experience for me. I really don’t think so.
We’ll do some more of these in a bit. It’s been a while since I’ve gone through the mail with you guys. I normally respond to the comments, in the comments section, but I don’t know if you guys ever get notified, see my replies or what all.
One more mail item from my favorite nurse
name the bike Crocket….get it???? Crotch rocket….and like Davey always on an adventure or new discovery….
I do kinda like Crocket…and the play on words…but shouldn’t it be a female name? Aren’t all pieces of machinery female? And no, it doesn’t have anything to do with “riding” it. There were lots of jokes about machinery being female because of breaking down and being uncooperative, but seriously, for guys anyway, I think they name their cars and bikes and such women’s names so that they don’t feel bad babying them and spending time taking care of them. I wonder ….
Ladies – do you name your cars and motorcycles and such guys names?
Why do I have the feeling that the response I’m going to get is, “No, we don’t name them ANYTHING because we’re not infantile like guys are!” Just guessing here. Anyway, back to Crocket … hmm … how about Cricket? Just spitballing here…
Cindy Cricket What else people?
A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted “You dirty rat!” The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued “….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead”?
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat”!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?”
He replied “He is my next door neighbour”.
The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments”.
The man replied “NO, your Honor, you don’t understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn’t have one”!!!
The man was boasting about his sister, who disguised herself as a man and joined the Army.
“But wait a minute,” a listener interrupted. “She will have to dress with the boys and shower with the boys, won’t she?”
“Sure,” the man admitted.
“Well, won’t they find out?”
The man shrugged elaborately, “Who’ll tell?”
I know, right. We stood in formation at the flag pole the other day for the 911 ceremony and the commander asked how many people weren’t even alive when it happened and a couple of younger airman actually raised their hands. I was astounded.
The Washington Post recently had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it “in the old days.” Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn’t afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
And the winner:
In my day, we didn’t have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn’t have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn’t have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn’t get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying ‘Doors closing.’ We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
In my day, we didn’t have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
Back in my day, ’60 Minutes’ wasn’t just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
In my day, we didn’t have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
Back in my day, they hadn’t invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.
Too true! I never understood why you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway.
I was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, I had to stretch, but still couldn’t grab the box.
Fortunately, I have two six-foot-tall sons whom I often call to come to my rescue.
“Hey, Brian!” I yelled to my second son, who was in the living room. “Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?”
“Sure, Mom,” he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. “But next time, I’d prefer the title ‘Your Highness’ when you need me.”
Absolutely, positively, one hundred percent TRUTH!
A man went to his doctor and said, “Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse.”
The doctor asked the man to look out the window. “Tell me what you see,” he said, pointing.
“I see the sun,” the man replied.
The doctor turned to him and asked, “Just how much farther do you want to see?”
Yeah ……….. I may have passed mine.
Jack: How’s it going? Beans: Pretty good. Jack and the Beans talk.
As I’ve said a thousand times now…
If drinking alcohol can cause short term memory… Just think what drinking alcohol can do!
Okay, I saw the above picture, immediately took the below picture from my own living room. Make of it what you will.
Immutable Laws (Which Cannot Be Avoided)
1, When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. ( Von Fumbles Law)
2. A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law Of Destiny)
3. When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. ( Law Of Ichiban)
4. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)
5. When things seem to be going well, you’ve probably forgotten to do something. (Cheny’s Second Corollary)
6. When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law )
7. If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it’s probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (Law Of Gravitas)
8. Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein’s Law Of Persistence)
9. You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle Of Dingaling)
10. Whenever one wants to connect with the internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of BT)
11. If there are only two programs on tv that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law Of Wasteland)
12. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law Of Pi Eyed)
13. The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law Of Campbell Scoop)
14. Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law Of Oh my Gad)
15. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law Of O golly Gee!)
16. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one’s hairdo. ( The Donking Principle)
17. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law Of Fatal Irreversibility)
18. Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law Of De Lay)
19. Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won’t come out alive anyway.” (Theory Of Absolute Certainty)
That’s it my friends. I hope you had as much fun with this as I did. May your Monday be filled with nothing but love and May our Father in Heaven bless you with Strength and Comfort throughout the rest of your week until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 