Today is Saturday the 4th, the 3rd day of the furlough. You shouldn’t be reading this until Thursday, which, if it’s still ongoing, will be day 8 of the furlough. The rumor that I heard last night is that the Senate isn’t supposed to come back to the table until the 14th! Talk about not right! They should be working 24/7 until this is worked out.
But hey, that’s just what I expect from my employees.
And that’s exactly what they are.
Gonna make a couple of changes in this issue. Since I have so many Halloween memes I’m going to start adding them in. Also a couple of other things that pretty much only concern me and editing, but if you’re paying attention you might notice. So, …
First of there is a long one….
You have no idea how tedious that was for me. I had to separate all those pictures out from the stream they were sent me in because it wouldn’t post in Word Press in focus.
At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen.
“Paddy,” he asked casually, “didn’t you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?”
“That I did, sir.”
“And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren’t divided equally, are they?”
“No, that they ain’t sir,” agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. “Me poor brother couldn’t do this to save his life!”
SEE!!! SEE!!! Aussie Pete is adding in lines to the cartoons just to pick on me!!!!
At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen.
“Paddy,” he asked casually, “didn’t you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?”
“That I did, sir.”
“And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren’t divided equally, are they?”
“No, that they ain’t sir,” agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. “Me poor brother couldn’t do this to save his life!”
A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.
Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.
In a cocky manner, he asked, “Where are all the men’s clothes?”
In a demure voice the clerk replied, “All of these clothes are for men, sir.”
A newcomer to Manchester arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, “Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?”
The boy replies, “How should I know? I’m only 6.”
A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday. “I’d like a little brother,” the boy said.
“Oh my, that’s such a big wish,” said the mother. “Why do you want a little brother?”
“Well,” said the boy, “there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”
I went to a restaurant. It was full. There was no place to sit, and the wait was over thirty minutes. I took out my cell phone, placed it to my ear, and said loudly, “Hey, get over here! She’s here with someone else!” Six couples got up and quickly left.
“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Great Quote!!!!
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter’s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect. “The head is too big,” the professor explained. “The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous.”
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother and said, “Okay, A minus.”
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American. “Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them.” The American nodded, “It’s the same in the USA, only we see stars too!”
And that’s it my friends. And it’s still only Saturday. But, I need to go do something else for awhile. So, until later…
Let’s see … by the time you guys read this we will be on day 5 of the shut-down and my furlough. Right now, it’s Friday and I have a little while before I have to go to another one of my ministry assignments so I thought I’d start Monday’s issue. Since this morning, when I finished Saturday’s issue nothing really has changed, let’s just get right into today..
There are so many other things you could add to that list! How about balancing a check book! I know the younger generation doesn’t really use checks, but balancing a bank account is a lost art!
Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer.
I was thinking of cooking some alligator for supper, but I only have a croc pot.
My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my fathers side. They were surgically separated though. Now he’s my uncle once removed.
I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Sometimes I get really angry with my wife and put my foot down…and then I do what she says.
Instructor: Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?! Me hiding a bag of tortilla chips: I think there’s been a misunderstanding.
After I ran ahead of you to grab a hotdog I want you to know that I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup with me.
I tried kangaroo flavored beer for the first time. You could really taste the hops.
My friend saw his wife using her phone to record herself getting her hair styled. He thinks she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
My scarecrow won an award. He was outstanding in his field.
Been trying to break up with my girlfriend who is optician, and it’s really hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she moves an inch closer and say, ‘How about now?
As I sat in a restaurant last night, I got hit on the back of the head by a shrimp cocktail. I looked round and the waiter shouted: “That’s just for starters!”.
For any of you really gullible people out there … please don’t.
Well, it seems we are about to have a new vote…
I’m on pins and needles …
Husband: “I want to tattoo your name on me. What do you think, shall I do it on my arm or neck?”
Wife: “How about on your will?”
So, was my sarcasm apparent in my last aside?
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” – Groucho Marx
That is AWESOME!!!!!
I once bought a wooden car, with a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, and wooden seats. I then put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. It wooden start.
Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but the following call to IBM’s help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.
The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me; I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”
I’ll say it again.
A visitor to the North Pole was given the grand tour of the place by Santa Claus. The visitor suddenly exclaimed, “What a huge reindeer! But why doesn’t it have any antlers?”
Santa replied, “Well, there are several reasons that a reindeer might not have antlers. Some reindeer get their antlers late; some reindeer have their antlers broken off in a fight and some reindeer never grow any antlers at all.”
The tourist moved closer for a better look and asked, “What happened to this one?”
Santa replied, from fifty yards away, “He was born a horse.”
My cousin Jimmy was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines. It turns out he had back issues.
So, at the end of the day they did it again…I’m still temporarily unemployed.
It’s a simple thing, do your job. You really don’t have that many. KEEP THE COUNTRY RUNNING. That’s probably one of the most important ones. You would look down on me if I didn’t have a budget that I stuck to. If I was overdrawn at the bank ALL THE DAMN TIME! You should be unpaid until you work it out for good. FOR GOOD. Balanced budget every year. You ALL get
Well, I can rant and I can rave and the people will never change. It’s all part of God’s plan somehow. And someday, I’ll get a chance to find out. Until then and until we meet again…
Day Two of the government shut-down and my own unpaid furlough.
I’m sitting in my living room watching as there is a Yom Kippur attack in England on a Synagogue.
The politicians are arguing and holding us hostage due to their own evil desires.
If it isn’t absolutely apparent that the devil is running rampant than we aren’t paying attention. So, here at Dragon Laffs, Inc. one of the things we do to combat the blind turnips
is to laff. So, grab your coffee, settle in and …
Hey! Me, too!
Two beefy men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee was $45.
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
“What took you so long, son?” he asked.
“The man waited on everybody in the store before me,” the boy replied. “But I got even.”
“How?”
“I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting,” the youngster explained happily. “It’s going to be fun at eight o’clock.
It’s actually Thursday, but … okay.
One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. “Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”
Saw a sign at a store that said, “We treat you like family.” I’m not going in there.
I had a girlfriend in college who was obsessed with counting numbers. I wonder what she’s up to now???
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. “Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says, “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
On a beautiful sunny summer morning there were two cows in a field. The first cow said “mooo” and the second cow said “baaaaaa.” The first cow was surprised and asked the second cow, “Why did you say “baaaaa?” The second cow replied, “I am learning a foreign language.”
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.
The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.
One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s getting neutered today,” I told him.
“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”
Day 3 of the shutdown and my furlough. I’m not worried yet since I predicted that this would last at least until Monday and today is only Friday. They are supposed to have another vote again today.
The thing that I find funny is that in the news you see how horrible the democrats are for causing the shutdown and then read in the mainstream media that “most Americans blame the republicans and Trump” for the shutdown. Now mind you, the news that I watch is Newsmax, which is definitely a Christian, right leaning news source … but that’s why I watch it. That, and the fact that it’s web based, since I don’t have cable.
I have a friend who is in the business of helping people who need help and like he said, this whole Medicare thing is about more than just giving healthcare to illegals. We both agreed that healthcare should not go to anyone who is here illegally…ever. (and no, I’m not saying that emergency medical care should ever be denied to anyone! But going to the emergency room because you’re sick and don’t have insurance and knowing that they HAVE to take care of you is not right either!) But, Medicare and Medicaid for OUR citizens are right and necessary for some people. Folks shouldn’t have to work 3 jobs just to afford healthcare. I was there. For 3 years I basically worked 4 jobs just to make ends meet and a lot of that was because I didn’t have health insurance.
Gee Impish, how did you work 4 jobs?
Because God blessed me with good friends and understanding people. My main job was as a dispatcher for the State police. I worked from 10pm to 6am. I then worked in the County jail part-time from 4pm to midnight but because the Sheriff understood my situation, on the nights that my shifts overlapped (which were most of them) and everyone was locked down by 9 pm, and the jail was literally 2 miles down the road from the State Police Post, I could leave at 9:45 pm to be there by 10pm. Then when I got off work at the Post at 6 am, I would go the next town over to Target by 6:30 ish to unload trucks to about 11-noon. Then go home, get a couple of hours of sleep and repeat. Now, I wouldn’t do all three every day because my schedules wouldn’t line up that way, but on the days when I had time, I would go into the Sheriff’s office and so some part-time hours (the 4th job) and transfer warrants from an old computer system to the new computer system that had to be done by hand. I averaged about 20 hours of sleep a week and I did that for 3 years. And I thanked God for giving me those jobs when I needed them at a time when jobs were pretty tough to come by. For 3 years I didn’t see my family, have a life or do anything except take care of my family and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. But, Mary and I were strong and we did what we had to. Then I got the job I have now, at the lowest paid position in the office, and it paid almost as much as all of those put together, and had pretty good benefits. And one of the first things they did was send me out of state for training for almost 4 months…lol. But, that was nothing compared to what we had just been through. Welcome back to the military.
Okay, I got a little far-afield from the shutdown, the musing of an Impish Dragon.
Okay, real quick, talk about slanted news reporting. Two delta jets collide on the ground in NY. Could it be because the controllers are working and not being paid? Please! What does them not being paid have to do with it? Maybe because they are understaffed? Their equipment is old? They were not the best trained, DEI hires, or a myriad of other things, but the fact that we are in a government shutdown and not being paid probably didn’t have anything to do with it.
Okay, back to the show.
See, that’s the difference between Godzilla and Dragons. We don’t eat, we raze!
As I get older, I notice that my wife and my hamstrings have a lot in common. They’re both inflexible.
So this is either going to be a really short issue because I don’t have much time or a very long issue because they shut down the government and have a lot of time because I’ve been furloughed.
It’s Tuesday night and the government has about 5 hours or so to not be fools.
So, while Impish awaits his future, let’s the rest of us…
I have SO MUCH Halloween stuff, I really ought to start adding it in now.
A suspect was charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. In his defense he said, “I only meant to rough him up a bit”.
I just opened the water bill and the electric bill at the same time. I was shocked!
Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
I found a magic lamp today. A genie popped out and shouted: “You owe me three wishes!” I must have rubbed it the wrong way.
I don’t blame mosquitoes, I know I taste good.
“If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?” “One dollar.” “You don’t know your arithmetic.” “You don’t know my father!”
Just invested in some ATM machines that only give out coins. I don’t know why no one has never thought of it before…it only makes cents.
Chocolate is vital for our survival. Dinosaurs didn’t have chocolate and look what happened to them…
I’m writing a novel about taking a boat ride on a very breezy day in Venice. It’s called; “Gondola with the Wind”.
Doctor gave me 3 days to give up drinking…I chose May 22, July 18th and October 1st.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
A truck carrying wooden shoes from the Netherlands has crashed on highway I-80. Police say the road is clogged.
Where does Sir Lancelot go to party? A knight club.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why did the woman give her fiancé wool socks? She didn’t want him to get cold feet.
A man went to his lawyer and stated, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”
The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.”
The man looked somewhat upset as he said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children, too!”
The catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation. “Brothers and sisters,” he said solemnly. “It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise.”
Not a woman stirred. “I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly,” the priest intoned. “But it is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise.”
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. “Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one?
I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!”
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at her. “Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand.”
“Father,” the young lady answered indignantly, “do you really expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?”
What a great picture!!!!
My friends, there is so much incredible truth in that little meme that it is worth contemplating over and over again.
I may not be around in 2084… But at least I know there’s the possibility I may still be voting!
Why? Are you a registered Democrat?
The cost of Halloween Candy is up 13.1% since last year, and to make matters worse, they’re giving us less in every package. For example, Good ‘n Plenty is now Not Bad ‘N A Couple. The $100,000 Bar is now the $27 Bite. Then, of course, there’s the new 2 Musketeers bar.
So…it’s Wednesday…
and it’s noon…
and I’m at home…
and I’m on furlough…
and I’m not being paid.
Now, we usually get paid back for time we miss…the key word being usually, but in the current scheme of things, there’s no guarantee. I, of course, told my guys not to worry about it, although this coming paycheck will probably be short, and we don’t get paid until we go back to work. These things don’t normally last more than a couple of days, but since I have been a civilian government employee there have been 3 of them, 1 of which was the longest at 34 days in 2018 and one other one in 2013 which was the fourth longest at 16 days. If that happens it can become problematic for a LOT of us because we don’t get paid a lot of money, contrary to popular belief. We are usually at about 60-70% of our straight civilian counterparts. At least on the military/civilian side of things. With my training and experience I could double or even triple what I make on the outside. With a lot less hassle, danger, stress, etc.
But that’s not why we do it.
I’ll keep you guys informed as time goes by and let you know if I need you to start sending food and supplies my way. 🙂
On the plus side, I now have time to get ahead on DL, so let’s finish this one up before I have to leave for the jail tonight, shall we? Lets go!
Keep that one in mind!
What a HORRIBLE AD!!!!
Okay, now that’s art!
The Marine Corps is looking for a few good men, they found them—Navy Corpsmen
You know what MARINE Stands for? My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.
How about USARMY? Uncle Sam Ain’t Released Me Yet Or backwards Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up.
When does an Air Force officer need a hair cut? Never, they get it before it’s needed!
Why did God give the Marine 2 brain cells more than he gave the horse? So the Marine wouldn’t Poop in the Parade!
Shots so perfectly timed, they stop you mid-scroll.
Two robbers steal a goat and two chickens. They decide to split the loot so one robber says to the other, “You take one chicken, and me and the goat will take the other one.”
And we’ve reached the end. I have to run over to the church to make copies for tonight’s class. So, until next time,
I JUST finished the last episode, it’s still Friday and I still haven’t gone to the Safety course, but I thought I’d get a quick start on Monday’s episode while I sit here and try not to worry about tomorrow.
I noticed that Leah D. put two comments on the website … the first one is fun!
I have a strong feeling you will meet the right woman when you perform a service. Maybe she pulls off the road because her tire is flat. Or her cart does a get away as she is loading groceries in the car. Or a little one is playing too close to, or even in the road.
Trust me, I know these things.
Leah, I could go on for hours on how confused I feel about that. AND how unlikely I feel that is. But…I will say, from your mouth to God’s ears. I will let you know what happens. 🙂
And Leah’s second message was kind of a neat question also, but it’s for all of you guys:
I would like to query everyone out there: Were you raised in poverty? If so, what best would back up your claim?
So, what I figure you’re asking is what is an example that you were raised poor? Well, we weren’t rich by any stretch of the imagination, my Mom worked as an RN, Dad was a lineman for Jersey Central Power and Light AND worked EVERY weekend in the band (he was a professional musician, playing sax, clarinet and flute and probably should have done THAT full-time), but us five kids never lacked for anything. We never had the cool stuff that the other kids had, but we had food on the table and a roof over our heads.
But, what about the rest of you.
Understanding Engineers’ Lingo
Percussive maintenance – I hit it and it started working
Cycle power to the panel – Turn it off and on again
High impedance air gap – I forgot to plug it in
Organic grounding – I got electrocuted
Thermally reconfigured – It melted
Kinetic disassembly – It blew up
The young bullfrog, full of himself, went off to find a wife. He met a cute female porcupine, and quickly fell in love with her. He told his father about his love, and his father was appalled!
“Why would you want to marry a porcupine,” he asked, bewildered.
“Well,” said the young frog, “the elephant wouldn’t have me.”
A guy walks into a bar, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs his pint, puts the pork pie on his head and smashes it with his hand, then walks out, leaving the barman a little confused.
The next day he comes back in, orders a pint and a pork pie, downs the pint, puts the pork pie on his head, smashes it with his hand and walks out, leaving the barman even more confused.
The next day he comes in again and orders a pint and a pork pie but the barman, trying to figure him out, says, “Sorry, no pork pies.”
The guy orders a packet of cheese and onion crisps instead, downs the pint, puts the packet of cheese and onion crisps on his head smashes them with his hand and is about to leave when the barman stops him and asks, “Why did you just smash that packet of cheese and onion crisps on your head?”
The guy replies, “Because you didn’t have any pork pies.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”
Okay, so it’s now Saturday evening and I finished the first day of the Safety Course. I gotta tell you, it was NOT what I was led to believe. I was told that the first day would be classroom stuff.
NOPE!
We immediately got on these little Suzuki 125 motorbikes and spent the next 6 1/2 hours doing more walking them around than riding them around. My poor aching hips. I did great on everything except the big zig-zags. I did fine on the small zig-zags, but those big ones are kicking my butt!!! I really hope that’s not going to be the thing that fails me. I did everything else as good if not better than everyone else.
I kicked butt on the big turn to the panic stop.
But, overall, it wore my old butt out!
So, I took the backroads home and I’m driving the car there tomorrow, not the bike. I’ll save some space at the end of this so that I can tell you tomorrow how it all works out. … Now … on with the show.
I absolutely LOVE that meme!!!
I once had an invisible calendar. Now that’s something you don’t see every day.
That is SO important in SO many different ways. But honestly, I don’t think we have ten years. But that is just Impish’s opinion. I just can’t imagine Jesus not calling us all home before that.
That is so very true. I know that the times I’ve cried my dog has come up to comfort me.
I have no words…truly.
Hence, Dragon Laffs…
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, “If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?” “Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.”
And if I know the lieutenant, he was taking notes the whole time.
After our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. It turned out he was a high school classmate of my husband’s, a man named Love. He said to ask for him the next time we had any problems. The following year, when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took the day off from my job to be there. After he finished repairing our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. On it was written my name and the scheduling instructions: “Wants Love in afternoon.”
I’m writing a book in fifth person… So every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody…”
“I’m ashamed of you,” the mother said. “Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!” “He threw a rock at me!” the boy said “So I threw one at him.” The mother said, “When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.” “Thanks, Mom,” the boy replied “But my aim is much better than yours.”
Last Words of Men About to Be Executed
As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair, he said to the witnesses, “Well, folks, you’ll soon see a baked Appel.”
Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, “I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.”
Sir Walter Raleigh said, “So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth.” And then he was beheaded.
On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper reporter,” I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: ‘French Fries.'”
Francis Crowley remarked “You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother.” Then he was electrocuted.
Just before being hanged, Neville Heath’s last request was for a whiskey. “In the circumstances,” he added, “you might make that a double.”
Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected: “I’d like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.”
Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, “Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way.”
Jimmy Glass said, “I’d rather be fishing.” Then he was electrocuted.
As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, “Are you sure this thing is safe?”
Remember that until today’s Last Word.
An old man walks into the University Offices and says “I’d like to enrol for a Latin course.”
The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, “How old are you, Sir?”
“Ninety-three” is the reply.
“Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?”
“Well” the man explains “I realise I haven’t got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I’d like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I’d feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin.”
The Dean thinks, and then asks “But what if you don’t go to Heaven but go to – you know – the other place?”
“That’s alright, I can already speak American.”
Well, it is over. My Safety Course. I wanted to get pictures, but this is the only one I got.
These are the tiny little bikes we had to ride. I could not go slow on this thing. The problem is, I HAD to go slow on this thing. I had to do tight U-turns. I had to do slow weaves between these ridiculous little cones and I had to walk this thing in 90 degree heat on asphalt. My two fake hips gave me hell! By the end of the day (and still at 6:30 at night) I have a pounding headache, I’m REALLY lightheaded, and quite dizzy. I’m not ruling out heat stress.
I prayed, quite emphatically, for God to give me the strength to get through it. I got through it. But, did really poorly…at least that’s what I thought. I had a great deal of difficulty, like I said, going slow, doing the tight U-turns, and the slow weaves. I didn’t have any trouble at all with the fast stuff and could’ve taught a class on the panic breaking, the swerving to avoid and panic stopping on a curve. I was the only one not to break the line of the curve on that one.
But, I was sure that I had failed because of how poorly I had done. But, through the Grace of God, I passed. When I asked the instructor about it afterward he told me I had done a great job and the key was that he saw a great improvement in me over the two days. But, I gotta tell you, I AM KNACKERED!!! And I am so thankful that … I’LL NEVER HAVE TO DO THAT AGAIN!!!!!
So, until we meet again my friends, prayer works, so keep it up. May God Bless you and keep you until next time. My love and prayers go with you.
Dragon Laffs 