Well, today is the day before Halloween and the Halloween issue should have been put out today, but website had a different idea and put it out a week ahead of time, screwing up my numbering system and my timeline and well…stuff.
But, by now, it’s all worked itself out and all is now right with the world again.
So, today is day 25 of the government shutdown, but for you reading this, if they haven’t pulled their heads out of their butts, it’s day 30. I’m tired of complaining about it and about my financial woes. So far the lights are still on and the house is still warm, there is still some food in the house so God is good.
So, let’s move on to the fun stuff, shall we?
First, a couple of catch-up Halloween cartoons…
I heard the government is putting chips inside of everyone.
I Hope I get Doritos!
The Department of Defense is officially being renamed the Department of War, but President Trump isn’t going to stop there. A long list of government agencies is set to get the same treatment.
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of other departments Trump is renaming:
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Social Security Administration: This will be rechristened The Charles Ponzi Memorial Retirement Plan.
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Department of Justice: Changed to the far more descriptive Department of Revenge on All the Losers and Haters.
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Health and Human Services: Out with the old name, in with the Department of Ribeyes and Methylene Blue.
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Department of the Treasury: For the sake of transparency, this will now be called the Chinese Loan Office.
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Bureau of Indian Affairs: This will be the Department of the Redskins.
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Department of Agriculture: Simplified to the Department of Food and Stuff.
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Housing and Urban Development: To be retitled as the Department of the Poors.
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Department of Education: No new title listed. Almost as if it won’t exist at all. Weird.
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Food and Drug Administration: McDonald’s.
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Department of Homeland Security: From now on, to be known as the Department of the Big, Beautiful Wall.
My co-worker said to me today: You shouldn’t eat red meat!
I said: My grandfather lived to be 100 years old.
He said: Did he eat red meat?
I said: No, he minded his own business.
Congress doesn’t guarantee you a pension, health care, or 200+ paid days off a year.
Which is weird, because you guarantee Congress all of those things on your dime.
I’m not going to say who…. but a friend of mine just called and asked if I would loan her $1300 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called to let me know that she was lying and not to give her the money! He went on to say that the real reason she wanted the $1300 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the money anyway because we all need help at times.
A couple of hours later I get a call from the police station. It was her crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.
My response…. so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life,” my boss told me.
“Well it got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009,” I informed him.
“Really?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use? I for one.
I went to the hospital for a cardiac stress test. They connected me to the machines and then made me watch my wife park my new car.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway. Amazing, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on it’s way to work.
Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said “Thank God for that, what are they?”
I knew I shouldn’t steal kitchen utensils from the restaurant I work at, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
I don’t think we should be making jokes about socialism unless everyone gets it.
The Institute of Incomplete Studies (ISS) has recently uncovered that 7 out of 10 people.
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on, I’d be like, why am I always getting all this money?
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
Where do bad rainbows go? To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
Doctor, doctor. I think I need glasses. You sure do, sir. This is a flower shop.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “in a nut shell, it’s an oak tree”.
Times When Life Just Completely Unraveled
Everything fell apart in spectacular comedy.
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note,
which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Monk’s costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
WE HAVE TRIED OUR VERY BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
20 Folks Who Got Tattoos During A Full Brain Shutdown
Permanently inked with regret.W
And that’s it my friends. May God Bless you and keep you until we meet again.
Dragon Laffs 