Let’s see … by the time you guys read this we will be on day 5 of the shut-down and my furlough. Right now, it’s Friday and I have a little while before I have to go to another one of my ministry assignments so I thought I’d start Monday’s issue. Since this morning, when I finished Saturday’s issue nothing really has changed, let’s just get right into today..

There are so many other things you could add to that list! How about balancing a check book! I know the younger generation doesn’t really use checks, but balancing a bank account is a lost art!

The Best Comebacks We Could Find On The Internet This Week

I LOVE this cartoon!

LOL! And that one!

I’m Honestly Speechless After Seeing These 27 Absolutely Mind-Blowing Photos That Completely, Totally, And Utterly Shattered My Tiny Little Peanut Brain Last Week

Not going to lie, my bed is broken.

Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the 18th floor nightclub was not a bouncer.

 I was thinking of cooking some alligator for supper, but I only have a croc pot.

 My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my fathers side. They were surgically separated though. Now he’s my uncle once removed.

I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

Sometimes I get really angry with my wife and put my foot down…and then I do what she says.

 Instructor: Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?! 
Me hiding a bag of tortilla chips: I think there’s been a misunderstanding.

After I ran ahead of you to grab a hotdog I want you to know that I relish the fact that you mustard the strength to ketchup with me.

I tried kangaroo flavored beer for the first time. You could really taste the hops.

My friend saw his wife using her phone to record herself getting her hair styled. He thinks she’s planning to watch the highlights later.

My scarecrow won an award. He was outstanding in his field.

Been trying to break up with my girlfriend who is optician, and it’s really hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she moves an inch closer and say, ‘How about now?

 As I sat in a restaurant last night, I got hit on the back of the head by a shrimp cocktail. I looked round and the waiter shouted: “That’s just for starters!”.

For any of you really gullible people out there … please don’t.

Well, it seems we are about to have a new vote…

I’m on pins and needles …

Husband: “I want to tattoo your name on me. What do you think, shall I do it on my arm or neck?”

Wife: “How about on your will?”

So, was my sarcasm apparent in my last aside?

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
– Groucho Marx

That is AWESOME!!!!!

I once bought a wooden car, with a wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, and wooden seats.  I then put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.
It wooden start.

Computer novices may feel like they’re alone these days, but the following call to IBM’s help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. 

After a caller gave a technician her PC’s serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, “I see you have an Aptiva” desktop unit. 

Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she’d be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right.

The caller responded: “Had I realized you could see me; I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.”

I’ll say it again.

A visitor to the North Pole was given the grand tour of the place by Santa Claus.
The visitor suddenly exclaimed, “What a huge reindeer! But why doesn’t it have any antlers?” 

Santa replied, “Well, there are several reasons that a reindeer might not have antlers. Some reindeer get their antlers late; some reindeer have their antlers broken off in a fight and some reindeer never grow any antlers at all.”

The tourist moved closer for a better look and asked, “What happened to this one?”

Santa replied, from fifty yards away, “He was born a horse.”

My cousin Jimmy was having a terrible time falling asleep unless he was lying on a pile of old magazines.  It turns out he had back issues.

So, at the end of the day they did it again…I’m still temporarily unemployed.

It’s a simple thing, do your job. You really don’t have that many. KEEP THE COUNTRY RUNNING. That’s probably one of the most important ones. You would look down on me if I didn’t have a budget that I stuck to. If I was overdrawn at the bank ALL THE DAMN TIME! You should be unpaid until you work it out for good. FOR GOOD. Balanced budget every year. You ALL get

Well, I can rant and I can rave and the people will never change. It’s all part of God’s plan somehow. And someday, I’ll get a chance to find out.  Until then and until we meet again…