I’m starting this one a bit early. It’s Sunday evening. I have a bunch of stuff to talk about, but I need to see how some things play out first, so instead of sitting here and postulating over “stuff”, let’s go ahead and get our laff on and get back to the “stuff” later.

Wait!

There are coffee elementals?

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

– Carl Sagan (1934-1996)

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
 
“My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!” the shaken man told the cop.
 
“The car hit you from behind,” the officer said. “How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?”
 
“I recognized her laugh!”

Historic knowledge or myths
 
In George Washington’s days, there were no cameras.  One’s image was either sculpted or painted.  Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.  Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are “limbs,” therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the expression, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

A homeless guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink.
  
The bartender says, “No way, pal.  I don’t think you can pay for it.”

“You’re right,” the guy says.  “I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
  
“You have a deal, my friend,” says the bartender, “I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve seen everything.”
 
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.

He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Mozart.
  
The hamster can really play…
“You’re right… I’ve never seen anything like that before,” says the bartender. “That hamster is really gifted.” 
 
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?” asks the bartender. 
 
“Watch this,” replies the guy.

He reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.

He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
  
“It’s a deal,” says the guy.
He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.
The stranger runs out of the bar.
 
“Are you some kind of nut?” asks the bartender.

“You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy.” 
 
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is a ventriloquist.”

Keep scooting back until you see it…

32 Bits of History That Will Always Be Hilarious

And of course it was from…

Therapist: I need you to write letters to the people who have wronged you and then throw them in the fire.

Me: Okay, but what do I do with the letters?

“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch but I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back.”

Just then the door flew open and in bounced George. “You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me a half-million-dollar order!” 

“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”

We put our dog on a vegan diet,
and she’s doing really well…
She’s eaten two so far.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age; he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

He considered this for a moment and replied, “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

How the Media Would Cover the Apocalypse 

USA Today: We’re Dead

The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets As World Ends

Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple Loses Market Share

Sports Illustrated: Game Over

Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour

Readers Digest: Bye

Discover Magazine: How Will The Extinction Of All Life As We Know It Affect The Way We View The Cosmos?

Tv Guide: Death And Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!

Lady’s Home Journal: Lose 10 lbs By Judgment Day With Our New “Armageddon” Diet!

Inc. Magazine: Ten Ways You Can Profit From The Apocalypse

We have a new update!

Yup, I squeezed one more dollar sign in there. A huge and special thank you goes out to …

Pop Smith, Steven H., Henry S., Michael F., Catherine B., Donald G., Stephen B., Kristine M., Leah H., Edmund R., Sammye, Kenny B., Jonathon J., Ted H., Robert B., Kenneth R., and our latest…Marian M.

Thank you all so ever, ever much. You are such a wonderful group of people. All my readers are. May you all be Blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again next time.