I have had such a busy week. I’m running out of time to get my issues done and this Thursday … today for you guys, I start back in on the next semester of FBI, which means homework every night and 3 hours of class every Thursday night … BUT I LOVE IT!!!! Oh, it SO GREAT! I learn SO MUCH about the Bible and about history and … just WOW!

I’ll tell you guys all about it as we go.

Saw my doctor today and I guess other things in my life are going to change. Not crazy about that. I guess I have to eat like a real person instead of a retarded teenager. What do I mean by that? Well, I haven’t been paying attention today because I’ve been busy as all-get-out. It’s now 1730 hrs., (530 pm) my stomach just rumbled and I just realized that all day long today I’ve had a cup and a half of coffee and … well … that’s it.

I’m hungry, and I’d love to eat something, but I hate eating because of my STUPID [expletive deleted] DENTURES! That’s the same thing I  told the doctor today. She asked me about my diabetes going up and I told her flat out that my diet stinks. Because I hate eating because of my teeth. I’d love to get implants, but at the price of those stupid things … maybe some day.

So, she talked me into seeing the office dietician today…Thursday … that hasn’t happened for me yet, but it is today for you guys. It’s Tuesday for me.

I’m rushing through this because I have jail tomorrow and I’ll have to take more leave on Thursday to go back to the doctor’s office and then have FBI on Thursday night.

I have to go eat, but I really don’t want to. It just doesn’t hold the interest for me that it used to. I’d run out for a burger or something, but I don’t want to take the time, so I throw a TV dinner in the microwave and she tells me that’s the worst possible thing in the world I could do.

So I guess I’ll go warm up a can of Hormel Chili. You guys laff at this stuff while I go do that.

(Grandpa) No one seems to know the value of a dollar these days!
(Grandson) That’s easy Grandpa, just look at the dollar menu.

Two men were hanging out at the water cooler at work early one Monday morning. 

“Well. What did you do this past weekend?” asked the first man. 

“On Saturday, I spent the day with my wife and kids, and on Sunday I dropped some hooks into water,” replied the second man. 

“Oh. Fishing, ‘eh?” said the first man.
 
“Nope, golfing,” replied the second man.

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. 

At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.”
 
Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. 

Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. 

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

That is so absolutely marvelous and so absolutely true.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
 
– George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

That takes a little bit of time to wrap your head around, but it’s actually pretty good.

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old.”

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday.”

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. 

Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train. 

When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. 

He told our besotted friend: “Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation.”
 
To which the drunk replied: “Don’t tell me I’m on the wrong train again!”

This one is from Joe and seems familiar to me, so I may have used it in the past, but it is pretty good, so I’ll run it again perhaps if it is a rerun.

A rich man went to his vicar and said, “I want you and your wife to take a three-month trip to the Holy Land at my expense. When you come back, I’ll have a surprise for you”.
 
The vicar accepted the offer, and he and his wife went off to the Middle East.
 
Three months later they returned home and were met by the wealthy parishioner, who told them that while they were gone, he had had a new church built.
 
“It’s the finest building money can buy, vicar,” said the man. “No expense was spared.”
 
And he was right. It was a magnificent edifice both outside and in.  But there was one striking difference. There was only one pew, and it was at the very back. “A church with only one pew?” asked the vicar.
 
“You just wait until Sunday,” the rich man said.
 
When the time came for the Sunday service, the early arrivals entered the church, filed onto the one pew and sat down. 

When the pew was full, a switch clicked silently, a circuit closed, the gears meshed, a belt moved and, automatically, the rear pew began to move forward. 

When it reached the front of the church, it came to a stop. At the same time, another empty pew came up from below at the back and more people sat down. 

And so it continued, pews filling and moving forwards until finally the church was full, from front to back.
 
“Wonderful!” said the vicar, “Marvelous!”
 
The service began, and the vicar started to preach his sermon. He launched into his text and, when 12 o’clock came, he was still going strong, with no end in sight. 

Suddenly a bell rang, and a trap door in the floor behind the pulpit dropped open.
 
“Wonderful!” said the congregation,

Yeah, we’ve all been there.

Yeah, we’ve all been there.

Oh wait, sorry.

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. 
 
“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively. 
 
“Well,” he mused, “I’d say that you’re a lesbian.”   

Little boy: “Mommy, what happens when a car gets so old and rusty that it won’t move anymore?”
Mom: “Someone sells it to your father.”

Wrapped this one up just in time. On my way to the jail. God’s blessings to you my friends.