I should thank Aussie Pete more often for the headers that he sends me.  I have so many stocked up and ready to use that I may never have to make up another one on my own (unless I feel like it) again. 

This one today really speaks to my current mood.

Today is Tuesday, as I’m writing this and I took the day off, first, because I worked all weekend and I have some hours to kill.  I don’t get overtime because, as a supervisor, my OT rate is like $1 more than my regular rate, but because it’s technically OT it is taxed higher and I end up  losing money. So, when I work the weekend, I just try to take time off during the week to make my biweekly hours (80) work out right. So I worked Saturday and Sunday so I’m taking Tuesday and Friday off.

The second reason I’m taking today off is because Izzy is off and we are going to do some “chores” around the house today.

But, back to why that header is speaking to me. I’ve been feeling a little down the past few days. Working by butt off, feeling lonely, thinking about retirement, I have buddy Wheats who’s still recovering from his heart attack, one of our church members just passed away, a Christian brother that I met in Florida when my brother passed away just broke his femur and had surgery, I was asked to pick up a couple of extra classes, FBI is getting ready to start back up again and now I’m the administrator and there’s work involved with that, that I’m still learning, and I’m trying to get ahold of the prison where one of my jail guys got sent to because I mailed him a bible, followed all the rules, and they still didn’t give it to him when it arrived.

But on the other side, I needed to run to the store this morning before Izzy got up, so I jumped on the trike and had a fast ride this morning. This, of course, put a big smile on my face, lightened my mood, and made me feel like a million bucks. So, look at the picture again and you can see the two moods present at the same time and understand why that one is speaking to me this morning.

Izzy is now up, but is no where NEAR ready to start choring, so I’m with you guys for a little while longer.  I should be pretty happy.  It’s only 9:15 and it’s her day off and she’s up.  I’ll give her some grace.

In the mean time…

No wait! Let’s do this update first!

As you can see, we have more $ signs up there.  More people to thank this morning! I love you guys! You are doing such a great job! Here we go:

Henry S.   Pop Smith   Steven H.   Michael F.   Catherine B.   Donald G.   Stephen B.   Kristine M.   Leah H.   Edmund R.   Sammye C.   Kenny B.   Jonathon J.   Ted H.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  You guys are awesome!

And now…

When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since  he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too.  

Upon arrival at the Sears parts counter, he said he needed a belt, knob, hinge, and a crescent-shaped wire he’d found inside the dryer. He didn’t know where it belonged, but he confidently assured the clerk that he could figure it out once he got into the job. 

“I have the other parts,” the clerk said, “but for the wire you have to go to Lingerie. This is an underwire from your wife’s bra.”

It’s doubtful. If you look to the left, it almost looks like he already HAS a belt that doesn’t seem to be working. I’m thinking there’s no hope.

By the way, Izzy and I got our chores done for the day. Only for the day. We did not complete everything that I wanted to do. But, we did get quite a bit done…so I’m happy with that. So, I’m back with you guys.

Yeah, that’s not gonna work out well.

What’s the difference between an elephant and spaghetti?
Elephants don’t slip off the end of your fork.

And when it was real music.

Too true.

Subtle.

Karma is rough my friends.

Wow, there is so much truth in that. We’ve spoken before about false teachers and impasters.  Satan knows the Bible better than any of us and it’s not so much that he lies as much as he doesn’t quite tell the whole truth.

I can see that.  It seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it.

A German man is traveling through Poland when he’s stopped at a security checkpoint. The Polish Security Officer asks, “Where are you traveling from?”

The German man says, “Berlin.”

The Polish Security Officer asks, “Occupation?”

The German man says, “No, just visiting.”

“Yup,” says all the grandpas out there. If you don’t understand that it’s not about the wrapping paper, it’s about the contents of the package.

NICE!

Yup. Goes back to what we were talking about earlier. Impasters. And like I tell Izzy all the time, just because you call yourself a Christian that doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

He’s disappointing me more and more. The latest thing was the redistricting in Texas.  Yes, I know that the democrats do it ALL THE TIME. Ridiculously so. But, it is NOT the President’s place to suggest it or insist it upon anyone.

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “That would be my husband’s check book.”

Wow, reminds me of my neighbor. I know I’ve told you about him. Replaces his front door about once a month. Has a stack of front doors next to his garage. Yeah, that guy.

That is so cool…and so sad that they ruined it.

I think this is so cool that the entire country works to make things easier for a certain few. Now THAT’S an example of patriotism!!!

Yeah … I would be too… or maybe even arrested.

Sure…any logical person would believe that.

This was sent in by Leah D.  I liked it so much I downloaded it and added it to my collection. Oh! And I am NOT a country music fan.

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not just rattlesnakes. 

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbour man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. 

She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. 

They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. 

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

Another policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog. 

The startled dog jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. 

Neighbours had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. 

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed…

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was rebuilt. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?” 

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous….”

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.” How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five!

That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 18.

Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21| YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

The two ‘elderly citizens’ were talking.

“I guess you’re never too old,” the one said. “I was on the university campus and this pretty little coed said she’d be interested in dating me. I just don’t understand it.”

“Well,” his friend replied, “women are more aggressive these days; they don’t mind being the first to ask.”

“No I don’t think it’s that.”

“Well, maybe you remind her of her father,” his pal ventured.

 “I don’t think it’s that, either. It’s just that she also mentioned something about Carbon 14.”

I do not believe in diets. The closest I’ve been to a diet is erasing the food searches from my browser history.

And that is that is that is that. I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. Remember to donate by going to the website at dragonlaffs.com or you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and I can tell you of all the other ways you can donate.

In the mean time, may our dear Lord bless you and keep you until we meet again.