So, another race to the finish, but first, since I haven’t gotten a single update to this for a while now, this may be the last update to…

Here are the totals that I have as of now:

I really thought with over 500 subscribers … but then again … maybe we really don’t have that many and there’s only a few of you who actually read this rag.

Meh!  Who cares.  I’ll look into it later.

Moving on.

I only had one guess as to which one was me from fifth grade…and it was wrong.  Did you guess right?

Hmm, which one grew up to be the devilishly handsome Impish Dragon?  Okay, I’ll give you a hint.  A little further down, I’ll show you the wrong guess.  For now, 

Here’s some on a theme…

And two more on a different theme…

And as far as themes go for now…

Believe it or not, in my military career, I’ve slept worse than that!

This next is definitely an OLD joke.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting.

So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together FOREVER?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Now come on.  You KNEW you were going to get slapped for that!

You ought to get slapped for that one, too.  But I don’t have a gif of a kid slapping a mom!

Oh so true.  So very, very true.

Smells like old beer and vomit.

I would completely disagree!!!!!

 

With the word “useful”!

Bob and George are golfing when a bird flies overhead. “Wow! What a big duck!” Bob says.
“That’s no duck, it’s a goose.” George says.
“No, it’s a duck!” Bob says.
“I say it’s a goose!” George says.
And so, the argument went.
“Duck!”
“Goose!”
“Duck!”
“Goose!”
“Duck!”
“Goose!”
Another golfer behind them, playing the hole, yells, “Fore!” and hits the ball.
Bob sees the ball coming and yells, “Duck!
“George yells back, “Goose!”   
BONK.

Wow!  I know that game!  I play it every day!

I LOVE IT!!!!!

8am: Too tired to think.
Noon: Too tired to think.
5pm: Too tired to think.
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

Okay, I almost forgot, here’s your hint.  Here’s the guess that was made.

I didn’t at first, but Aussie Pete fixed me up!

And just stare straight ahead.

My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits … and their bulging stomachs.  Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, I said to my wife, “I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.” 

She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, “You’re the only one who has to.”

Not quite as good as being rich in Monopoly.

The old lady had a parrot who had never spoken a word in eight years. She had tried everything she could think of to teach him to speak, from reading books, magazines, and newspapers to him, playing the radio and TV around him, and inviting friends over for a chat, but nothing ever seemed to change. 

One day, the lady was working in her garden; the parrot’s cage was right by a nearby window. Suddenly, lo and behold, the parrot yelled, “Look out!” 

Unfortunately, the lady didn’t hear him and was immediately chased away by a swarm of angry bees.

The parrot tsks and shakes his head indignantly. “Eight years she spends teaching me to talk and then I can’t get her to listen.”

That’s pretty much why I own guns.  Yes, plural.

Two Aussie men are standing at the top of a cliff. One has two budgies (a small parrot native to Australia), one on each shoulder. The other has a parrot and a shotgun. 

The first guy jumps off the cliff and on the way down the birds fly away. He crashes on the rocks below and rolls over on his back. He looks up just in time to see his friend jump off too. 

As the second guy falls the parrot flies off, he pulls up his shot gun and shoots the bird just before he too crashes onto the rocks.

They lie there groaning in agony for a bit before the first guy says, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!” 

The second guy lets out a groan and says, “I’m really not too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.

After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” 

“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office.”

There is so much (funny) truth in this!!!!

I laughed SO HARD!!!!!

I remember the day after my son was born, I walked in the hospital room and they were changing his diaper. I looked at him and exclaimed ” man, Teri look at the size of his willy, it’s huge!” “I know, Pete” she replied…..”But at least he’s got your ears.”

‘Doc, I’m a mechanic. I work for a racecar driver. It’s utterly depressing … I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never – not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin.

It’s depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I’ll never get to enjoy it.”

“Well. sir, I think I understand just fine – my brother in law has the exact same problem,” answered the psychiatrist.

‘Is he a mechanic too, doc?’ asked the mechanic.

The psychiatrist replied, ‘No, he’s a gynecologist.”

And that my friends is … 

I’m sorry, what?

I didn’t tell you which one was me?

No.  No, you’re right.  I didn’t.  But, on the flip side, only one of you even guessed, so I just figured none of you cared.  

So, until next time my friends …