Picking right up again…going to try to do threeeeeeeeeeee.

Another great header from Pete!  LOVE IT!!!!

Okay, the world is falling apart at the seams.  Did you hear about the guy with the homemade flamethrower attacking the peaceful weekly demonstration for the hostage awareness?  My head is starting to hurt!  

Every single day I get a plethora of alerts through my work email about crap happening around the world that I wish I could share with you … no … I take that back.  I really don’t want to share with you.  Why should all of you be as upset as I am.  It’s my job and I’m a bit immune to it all.  But, if you only knew.

Anyway, we really need a boost of laughter AND I need to knock another one of these out, or at least get a really good start on this one before I have to call it a night… so ….

Oh!  I heard an explanation the other day for why global warming is responsible for why it’s been so cold lately!  I have never heard a bigger load of horse manure in my entire life!!!

“What’s the date today?” asks a blonde. 

“I don’t know. You’ve got a newspaper in your hands… why don’t you look at it?” 

“That wouldn’t do any good, it’s yesterday’s paper 

THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS 


1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco. 

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 

3.There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman… neither works. 

4.Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

5.Always drink upstream from the herd. 

6.If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 

7.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 

8.There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves. 

9.Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

10.If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there. 

11.Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back. 

12.AND FINALLY–After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral:  When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut. 

A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. 

She glances out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window washer outside. 

Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress. 

The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning the windows. 

Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner. 

Still, the man just keeps working away. 

Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her bra and panties and begins parading around her room. The window washer still takes no notice of her. 

Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.  

At last the window washer puts down his pail and says, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”

Jeff had told all of his friends about the great steak he had eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. 

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited hungrily for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow. 

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they had ever seen. 

“Now see here,” a very embarrassed Jeff said to the waiter. “Yesterday when I came down here, you served me a BIG juicy steak. Today, when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this?” 

“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter, “yesterday you were sitting by the window.”

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection. 

First, the word “Wine” must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on. 

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says “On Sale.” 

Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

Hmmm, I think my ex-wife may have been part eagle.

Among the many thousands of things I have never been able to understand, one in particular stands out. 

That is the question of who was the first person to stand on a pile of sand and say, “You know, I bet if we took some of this and mixed it with a little potash and heated it, we could make a material that would be solid and yet transparent. We could call it glass.” 

Call me obtuse, but you could stand me on a beach till the end of time and never would it occur to me to try to make it into windows… 

 Job candidate: Hello, I’m here for the interview. 
Interviewer: Great! Do you have any experience? 
Job candidate: Yes, this is my 20th interview.

 Most gun duels in the old West could have been prevented if only the city planners had made towns big enough for everyone.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up. I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

 I used to make loads of money cleaning leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in the bushes, I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I think my blind girlfriend just broke up with me. She said she wanted to see other people.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She’s having her babies in the Spring.

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

Cop: Can you describe the person who robbed you? 
Me: He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee.

Our computers went down at work today so we had to do everything manually. It took me 20 minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

Kind of crazy that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the army is? Every time I ask someone they tell me it’s private.

 My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.

Doctor diagnosed me with a rare form of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of 80’s bands. There is no cure.

Every morning I take my pet cow for a long walk in the local vineyard. Yes…I herd it through the grapevine.

Yeah, I think every one of those we’ve heard before.

That’s it my friends.  I know this one was short, sweet and to the point.  But I gotta hit the rack.  Until next time.