And here I am, still on Saturday and hoping to get one more issue in the bank for Monday so as to get all the way through the exercise so you guys will be entertained.  This one will probably just be cartoons and memes so as to get it done before bedtime … before Easter starts… so let’s get started.

Which is often!

WHAT ARE YOU? 

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures. 
ACTORS do it on cue. 
ADVERTISERS use the “new, improved” method. 
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker. 
ANSI does it in the standard way 
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old. 
ARCHITECTS have great plans. 
ARTISTS are exhibitionists. 
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over. 
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus. 
ATTORNEYS make better motions. 
AUDITORS like to examine figures. 
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour. 
BAILIFFS always come to order. 
BAKERS knead it daily. 
BAND MEMBERS play all night. 
BANKERS do it with interest – penalty for early withdrawal. 
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure. 
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks. 
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base. 
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often. 
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey. 
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops. 
BEER DRINKERS get more head. 
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds. 
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry. 
BOSSES delegate the task to others. 
BOWLERS have bigger balls. 
BRICKLAYERS lay all day. 
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber. 
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time. 
BUTCHERS have better meat. 
C’Bers do it on the air. 
CAMPERS do it in a tent. 
CARPENTERS hammer it harder. 
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor. 
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm. 
CHEMISTS like to experiment. 
CHESS PLAYERS check their mates. 
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation. 
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically. 
CLOWNS do it for laughs. 
COACHES whistle while they work. 
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs. 
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs. 
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can’t stop. 
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software. 
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation. 
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it. 
COPS have bigger guns. 
COWBOYS handle anything horny. 
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback. 
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls. 
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect. 
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds. 
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry. 
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck. 
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts. 
DENTISTS do it in your mouth. 
DETECTIVES do it under cover. 
DIETICIANS eat better. 
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack. 
DIVERS do it deeper. 
DOCTORS do it with patience. 
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription. 
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time. 
DRY WALLER’S are better bangers. 
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts. 
ENGINEERS charge by the hour. 
EXECUTIVES have large staffs. 
FARMERS spread it around. 
FIREMEN are always in heat. 
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods. 
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard. 
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush. 
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver. 
GARBAGE MEN come once a week. 
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses. 
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day. 
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers. 
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes. 
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well. 
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions. 
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs. 
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency. 
HANDYMEN like good screws. 
HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision. 
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer. 
HUNTERS do it with a bang. 
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers. 
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house. 
INVENTORS find a way. 
JANITORS clean up afterwards. 
JEWELERS mount real gems. 
JOGGERS do it on the run. 
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper. 
LAWYERS do it in their briefs. 
LIBRARIANS do it quietly. 
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything. 
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer. 
MACHINISTS make the best screws. 
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye. 
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep ’em off their feet. 
MANAGERS supervise others. 
MARKETING REPs do it on commission. 
MILKMEN deliver twice a week. 
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done. 
MINERS sink deeper shafts. 
MINISTERS do it on Sundays. 
MISSILE MEN have better thrust. 
MODELS do it in any position. 
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters. 
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs. 
MOVIE STARS do it on film. 
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm. 
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing. 
NURSES call the shots. 
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under. 
OPERATORS do it person-to-person. 
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face. 
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes. 
PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash. 
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion. 
PILOTS keep it up longer. 
PLUMBERS do it under the sink. 
POLICEMEN like big busts. 
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected. 
POSTMEN come slower. 
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets. 
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest. 
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end. 
PROFESSORS do it by the book. 
RACERS like to come in first. 
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.. 
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it. 
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots. 
RECYCLERS use it again. 
REPAIRMEN can fix anything. 
REPORTERS do it daily. 
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it. 
RETAILERS move their merchandise. 
ROOFERS do it on top. 
RUNNERS get into more pants. 
SAILORS like to be blown. 
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues. 
SCIENTISTS discovered it. 
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5. 
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop. 
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls. 
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists. 
SPELUNKERS do it underground. 
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay. 
STEWARDESSES do it in the air. 
STUDENTS use their heads. 
SURGEONS are smooth operators. 
TAILORS make it fit. 
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town. 
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything. 
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking. 
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals. 
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls. 
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks. 
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads. 
TYPISTS do it in triplicate. 
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers. 
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up. 
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot. 
WATER SKIERS come down harder. 
WELDERS have hotter rods. 
WRESTLERS know the best holds. 
WRITERS have novel ways. 
ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct. 

A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. 

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,” Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” 

“My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.” 

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong.   How long have you had arthritis?” 

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school. 

“Well, momma, the rabbi told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. 

When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the Jews walked across safely. 

Then the Egyptians followed Moses, who used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. 

They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved.” 

“Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?” his mother asked. 

“Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you’d never believe it!” 

“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents. ” 

Nathaniel Borenstein (1957 – )

Women are like apples on trees. 

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy…… 

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. 

And… Men? 

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. 

When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” 

The woodcutter told Him that he had dropped his axe into water. 

God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. 

“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”. 

God again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked. 

The wood cutter said “No”. God went down again and came up with an iron axe. 

“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The wood cutter said “Yes”. 

God was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all the three axes. 

The woodcutter went home happily. One day while he was walking with his wife along the river, his wife fell into the river. 
When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” 

“My wife has fallen into water” said the woodcutter. 

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked. 

“Yes”, he said. 

God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to curse you……” 

The woodcutter quickly said, “Forgive me My Lord. It is all a misunderstanding. If I say ‘No’ to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say ‘No’ to her, you will finally come up with my wife and I will say “Yes”. Then you will give all the three to me. 

I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So that’s why I had. to say ‘Yes’…”

And that’s it my friends.  May you have a great and blessed day.