Yes, it looks just like me…

I’m amazed at the likeness…

Gee, someone’s house suddenly burst into flames overnight? However did that happen?

Anyway, enough about bragging.  Today is Saturday and I’m working on what I believe will end up being Thursday’s episode.  I had Men’s Breakfast at church this morning; Izzy finally cut my hair a little while ago; I’ve got a birthday party for my buddy’s twin daughter’s in a couple of hours that Izzy and I are going to, so in the meantime, I’m going to try to get a little ahead since I’m going to be locked down in the jail on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I also found out the hours for that…not sure if I told you on Sunday or not.  It’s been a couple of hours since I visited that episode and, it’s already in the chute to publish tomorrow morning, so I’m not going to disturb it since it’s resting peacefully.  You have no idea how much those things fight going in those tunnels!  It’s truly amazing the strength they build up.  And it seems like the bigger the episode or the more feeling that’s put into it, the stronger they are and the more they fight sometimes.  Sometimes they go in easily and I wonder if it’s those issues where I don’t have anything controversial or anything that pushes too hard, but those episodes that satan doesn’t care for…MAN!

Anyway, I’m getting off track.  The hours.  Thursday, we are meeting for lunch and then supposed to be in the prison from 1430 until 2000 hrs.  Which means we probably won’t get out until 2030 or 2100.  That’s our meet-and-greet day.  Then on Friday we hit the ground running.  The participants get there at 0700, so I’m sure we’ll have to be there at 0630 and they are out again at 2000 hrs, so again for us it will be 2030 or 2100.  Same hours again for Saturday.  Then same starting time for Sunday with the wrap up/graduation (?) at 1600 for a total for them of 40 hours in 4 days.  I gather it’s supposed to be something special that the prison chaplain invites particular individuals to and maybe it helps towards parole or something?  I know it helps towards their eternal salvation which is MUCH more important than their parole.

Thursday – 4pm to 9pm = 5 hours
Friday – 7am to 8pm = 13 hours
Saturday – 7am to 8pm = 13 hours
Sunday – 7am to 4pm = 9 hours
                            Totals = 40 hours

At least that’s the way I think it’s supposed to work.  I guess we’ll see.  I think on Saturday at about 1500, I should be fast asleep in my soup…

Yeah … But God.  He’ll take care of me.  He always has and He always will. 

Now, let’s move on to the fun stuff, shall we?

No helmet, not kneepads, no elbow pads, daring each other do go one step further than we did, playing in the street, and we’re still here!  (Well, most of us are, anyway.)

And just who are these horses reporting these symptoms to?

Two overweight middle-aged women are on their daily walk.

They were discussing how hard it is to lose weight as one gets older.

One woman complained that she remained apple-shaped.

The other woman said that no matter how much she exercised, there was too much fat on her backside and thighs, and it seemed like it was there to stay.

Her friend agreed, saying, “It’s true. The lard works in mysterious ways.

This one is from brother Joe in NJ and it’s entitled “Origins”.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades – King David,
Hearts – Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

“I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight”

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they use the whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden…. and thus the word GOLF entered into the English vocabulary.

Yeah, I’m not sure about those last couple, but it makes for great storytellin’.

 A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought.

“Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.”

“What did you buy your wife?” the friend asked.

The man said, “A new matching bicycle and lawn mower.”

What?
NO!
WAIT!

A man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, though…

“It’s ‘Hawaii’, I’m telling you!” she said.

“I never KNEW someone so stubborn! Havaii’ is how it’s pronounced!” he replied.

And so it went all the way to the vacation… As they got off the airplane, they passed a man.

The husband abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, “Now that we’re on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this ‘Hawaii’ or ‘Havaii?'”

“This is Havaii,” the man replied.

“Ha!” the husband gloated, turning to his wife. “See, didn’t I tell you never to argue with me? I’m alllll-ways right!” As they began to walk away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty “Thank you!”

“You’re Velcome!!!”

The four newly weds spent their honeymoon at the Niagara Falls. They occupied adjoining rooms, sat at the same table, and were inseparable.

One evening after dinner as they were returning to their rooms, there was lightning and the lights went off. It was pitch dark, and groping their way they made it to their rooms, and quietly undressed.

Jack a religious fellow knelt to pray. Just as he completed his prayer, the lights came on that he saw that he was with his friend’s wife. He jumped up and dashed for the door.

“Too late to hurry now,” said the girl “Joe never prays!”

What do you do (like in our church) where Grandpa is the Pastor and Dad is the junior Pastor?

Our friends, James and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members.

Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and announced in a loud voice, “James, I don’t have a headache tonight!”

And how many of you got that one?

And this one is kind of subtle…

The Priest had just finished hearing the man´s confession and was considering the man´s penitence.

“Are you sure you´re going to try to set aside all sin?”

“Yes, Father, I certainly am going to try.” replied the man. “I hereby resolve to double my efforts.”

“And you´re going to attend Mass regularly my son?” the Priest went on.

“Yes, Father, I realize I have strayed.” said the man. “I shall both worship and confess every week.”

“And how about your debts and those you have cheated?” inquired the Priest.

“Now just a minute, Father.” said the man. “Now you´re talking business, not religion.”

And that would be funny if it weren’t so true.

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel operating the boat.

He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his wife,

“Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore.”

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,

“OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I’m having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes.”

25 hilarious signs that turn ordinary messages into comedy gold

And that’s it for another episode my friends.  I hope you had as much fun with this one as I did.  Until next time.  I’m going to try to knock out Monday’s tomorrow so I’m caught up through my Kairos weekend, but we’ll see what happens.  May God Bless you and Keep you until then.