Good morning my dear friends,

Finally got a chance to get back online and get a chance to check messages and emails and I have to say that the overwhelming good wishes and prayers brought me to tears.  FAR too many for me to answer individually or I’d be sitting here all day long doing just that, although I really want to because all of them were so heartfelt and touching.  Thank you all so very much for all that you’ve done for me.  It means so very much.  I am so truly blessed with friends like you.

I am going to try to throw together a short issue, being my first day back behind my keyboard.  I’m continuing to rest and recuperate.  Today is Saturday, by the way.  For my first real foray back out into the world in almost 3 weeks I’m going to TRY to go to church tomorrow.  I’m scheduled for security which I may stick with if for no other reason than because it will keep me away from the main congregation.  I’ll check with my medical staff and see what they have to say and wear a mask.  I’m going to try to go back to work on Monday, but if I get to feeling poorly I can always leave work.

Anyway, enough about that, why don’t we try to get to some of the good stuff, shall we?

Impish Dragon Syndrome?  Impish Syndrome?  ID Syndrome?  Bob Syndrome?  Hmmm…

Talk about your blessings.  There isn’t a Christian anywhere who can’t speak for quite some time on their blessings.  I know that I could go on for several hours.

This is such a cool picture.  Brings to mind Matthew 19:24 where Jesus says: “And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.” So, does that mean that it’s impossible for rich people to go to Heaven?  That’s kind of a two edged sword.  It’s impossible for ALL people to go to Heaven…on their own.  Let’s jump ahead a little bit to Matt 19:26b and Jesus says: With men this is impossible; but with God all thing are possible.  This was in answer to a question by His disciples as to who then could go to Heaven.  The rich man had said that he had kept all the commandments and asked what else he needed to do and Jesus told him to sell all that he owned and give it to the poor and to follow Him.  The rich man went away sad because he couldn’t do that.  He was more attached to his riches than to his eternal soul.  As are many rich people.  Hence the original quote.  God gives us all that we need.  Maybe more on that later.

I used to work in technical support for a 24×7 call center.  One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.  I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific.”   …………. He also votes!
 
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.  She drove down in a convertible, but didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.”    .. . . . . . She also votes!
 
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car.  It’s designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped.  She keeps it in the boot (trunk).    .. . . . . My sister also votes!  

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.  Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.  The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
 
.. . . . He also votes!
 
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better.  The clerk didn’t have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, If that’s the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?” To this, the clerk responded, “I don’t think we add tax to the turkey.” …. .. . The clerk also votes!
 
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?”.   ….  .. . She also votes

I’m using one of these right now…although mine is not called Vlad…and doesn’t have long hair.

And I dare anyone to tell me that this all came together “accidently” over time from some “Big Bang” that happened.  You cannot possibly look at that and NOT see a designer.  You’re not even a good liar to yourself if you do.

What the world is like in TV land:

1.  If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2.  Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3.  Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4.  The suburbs are exciting.
5.  Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6.  Good guys are always outnumbered.
7.  Good guys always win and get the girl.
8.  Good guys are always good looking.
9.  Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a ‘dark’ secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Chinese people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
   a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC’s.
   b) Computers know everything.
   c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
   d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood
   from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 ot 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don’t take drugs.
40. The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with penniless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendor’s carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until the he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can’t use that speed to actually catch the person they’re chasing.
55. No-one *ever* locks a car when they get out of it (even in NY).

This next one was sent to me as a Get Well message.  It is about the grossest meme I’ve ever seen!  I LOVE IT!

Yeah, I know, right?

“Daddy, how much money do you make an hour ?”

“That’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing ?” the man said angrily.

“I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour ?” pleaded the little boy.

“If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

“Oh,” the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, “Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please ?”

The father was furious. “If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you’re being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.

How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00, and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

“Are you asleep son ?” he asked.

“No daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.

“It’s been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $10.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming. “Oh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.

The man, since the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

“Why did you want more money if you already had some ?” the father grumbled.

“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

“Daddy, I have $20.00 now. Can I buy an hour of your time ?”

* Always leave loved ones with loving words, it may be the last time you see them

Okay, so if that didn’t bring a tear to your eye you might be broken.

On their way home after celebrating their 25th. anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening.

“Oh. it’s not over yet”, says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, “But what are these two little pills?”

“Aspirin”, says he.

“But I don’t have a headache,” says she.

“There you are, I told you the evening wasn’t over yet,” says he.

I’m truly impressed!

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.”

“‘Yes, I am.” said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, “Is he your husband?”

“Yes,” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered, “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.”

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.

Finally he replied, ” She’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how I’d get 100 camels back home.”

Missing Dog

If anyone caesar, lettuce know

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, “I’ll be home in an hour.”

“Perfect,” she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half.”

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks.

The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?”

“Yes” the man replied.

“Well, may be you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper…”

I’m going to build a bunch of these for work.  I already have the parts that I need…

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it …

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”

“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.

I opened the store and started waiting on these people, while all the time the darn phone was ringing.”

He continued, …

“Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.  I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.  Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife.  She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me Sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

For you weapons buffs out there…what’s the smallest handgun you’ve ever seen?  Well, I thought I’d seen them all…but this one blew me away!