I’m starting this one on New Year’s Day, even though you won’t be getting it until … hmm … I’m not sure WHEN you will be getting this one.  I’m a bit far ahead on my episodes right now.  Which is a good thing since next weekend is the big exercise and I’ll be working like 14 hour shifts and won’t have time to do anything.

This is weird.  Today is my last day off of my vacation.  It went by so fast.  But, time is really going by fast right now for some reason.  It’s just flying by.  That was the shortest two week vacation that I’ve ever had.  Maybe because I was sick for most of it.  Still am.

I dread going back to work tomorrow and try to catch up on everything that I will now be behind in.  It’ll be great fun. (Where is that sarcasm font?)

Okay, so New Year’s … what sort of resolutions have you guys started?  I have a couple, one of which I think I already mentioned with the chronological Bible I’ll be reading this year with another guy in the office.

So, let’s go ahead and get started with the fun stuff then since I can’t think of anything real to talk about this morning.

♪ ♫ Isn’t it ironic…♫ ♪

Please remember to help people in their time of need.  I have a friend who is a dwarf and he is struggling to put food on the table.

That was terrible!  Stooping that low to make dwarf jokes!

I just realized a lot of people don’t like to hold hands in public, especially if they don’t know you…

There are no assigned seats at church.  I’ve heard it a hundred times before.  But, even now, as long as I’ve been going to my church, I so infrequently get to sit down because I’m working security so often when I’m there, and I don’t have family that goes there, and I don’t want to sit with my married friends because I feel like I’m intruding, so I don’t have a regular seat.  The rare occasions that I do get to sit, if I sit in someone else’s seat, you can really tell.  They don’t say anything, but you can tell.  LOL!

Just saw a girl with six lip piercings at Walmart…It took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain.

And I say, “Come now, Jesus!  You can’t come soon enough!”  My friends and fellow campers, if you are not ready, right now and at all times, then you are not ready.  He’ll come like a thief in the night.  There is nothing left that has to be done, no further prophecy that needs to be fulfilled, before the Rapture can happen.  In the blink of an eye, between typing this letter and that one, it can take place.  Are you ready?

And being rescued from who?  BOB!  Why is it always Bob?

I was so suspicious and paranoid about my wife having an affair, that we moved to a new town 700 miles away. 

I couldn’t believe my luck when we still managed to keep the same gardener.

I love to read

The only power satan has over you is through your head.

Shout out to all the married folks out there waiting for their spouses to pass out on the couch so they can watch what they really want to on TV.

If Adam and Eve had been Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

If you can’t drink hot coffee on a hot day then you are weak and will never survive the apocalypse.

This fella stopped me on the street this morning and asked me why I was carrying a 9 foot book? 

I said, “It’s a long story.”

We have the best security team in the business.  People often ask me why we have such a robust security team and system here at Dragon Laffs, Inc.?  Very little is known publicly about the treasures that are put in our care from the many different universes.  What do you think would happen … just for instance, say … if … oh, I don’t know … if The Joker was to get ahold of the sword, Excalibur and become King of England?  Or say The Flash was to get ahold of Bilbo’s ring?  Not to mention the nuclear codes, biological warfare agents and antidotes, … yeah…we have a VERY robust security team around here.

The only person that ever wanted me for who I am is the police…

This is very emotional!  At 6:30pm on September 15th of 2017, after a 39-year career at the Kelso Police Department  Officer Dave Shelton, signed off for one last time.

Having been on the receiving end and (on a very teenie, tiny scale) the sending end of those kinds of radio traffic, that may have seemed overly emotional to someone outside of the “business”, but I’m here to tell you, that it is internally a WHOLE lot harder than that in real life.

President Joe Biden  was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. “Hello, President Biden” a heavily accented southern voice said. “This is Archie, down here at Joe’s Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin’ to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y’all!”

“Well Archie,” Biden replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!”

Joe paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have to call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Biden, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Joe asked.

“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”

President Biden sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Biden! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said Biden. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there’s just no way we can feed that many prisoners.”

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

You know what I’m gonna say…so why am I even gonna say it?  WHY IS IT ALWAYS BOB!?!?

If everyone would copy and paste that everywhere and it were to reach just one person who needed it, what a blessing that would be!

A lawyer boarded an airplane in Auckland New Zealand with a box of frozen crabs and asked the blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in Sydney Australia, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Auckland New Zealand, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up… So she took them home and enjoyed a wonderful meal.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folks think.

I thought this was funny until I went to Krogers today and went through their holiday section … which was not filled with discounted Christmas stuff, but was filled, instead with Valentine’s Day candy!

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Ok, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies,

*”The One In The Middle.”*

He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman,

*”How do you know?!”*

The Mother Replies,

*”I DON’T LIKE HER!”*

38 Truly Bizarre Questions People Were Actually Asked During Job Interviews That Left Them Scratching Their Heads In Utter Confusion

“They asked if I went to church and had a boyfriend. I was interviewing for a public school teaching position.”

40 WTF Pics to Ring In the New Year

I wonder if I’m required by law to put up one of these signs…

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Q: What do you call a doe with no eyes?
A: No eyed deer

Q: What do you call a doe with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no eyed deer!

And that’s it…again!

May you be blessed with Love and Happiness, Comfort and Strength, and may our dear Father in Heaven shine His face upon you, until we meet again.