Today is Friday and depending on how quickly I get this issue done, you may get this one on Saturday, Sunday, or Monday when it’s due.  I only have one thing scheduled for today and very little else that needs to be done.  I want to run to the bank and cash a check so I can forward the money on to Izzy’s friend at work who lost her house before Christmas in a fire.  One of our dear readers sent me a check for that purpose and I’ll cash it and send the money to work with Izzy so she can have the cash.  You guys are so good and so generous it is amazing to me.

I should probably go and do that sooner rather than later.  I also need to study for my group session tonight, since it will only be me teaching instead of the three of us.  So, I guess I do have a bit to do today.  So, let me run and get that taken care of and I’ll be right back.  In the meantime, you guys laugh at a few of these memes that I have lined up for you.

Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the first, “I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so I’m the president and chairman of the board.”

“I put up thirty percent of the money,” said the second, “so I’m appointing myself vice president, secretary, and treasurer.”

“Well I put up five percent,” pointed out the third partner.

“What’s that make me?”

The chairman said, “I’m appointing you vice president of music.”

“That sounds mighty fine,” said the third man, “but what does it mean?”

“It means what when I want your advice, I’ll whistle.”

THE TRUTH


1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

4) You’ve never quite sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80’s has entered the digits 71077345 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you’re drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) Your never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup a soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) It’s impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as school child is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can’t respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There’s no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard

32) You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

A couple trying to break into society hosted an elegant and expensive dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon’s mid-section.

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, “Madam, the cat is dead.”

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped Not wishing to risk food-poisoning, all the guests rushed to the hospital emergency ward and underwent the unpleasant task of having their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. “It is still out on the road where the car ran over it.”

Can you imagine the embarrassment of having to make that call to 911?

Happy New Year!  It’s almost that time!

One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, “Where did mommy go?”

In answer to his questions, I told him, “Mommy is at a Tupperware party.” This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.

Puzzled, he asked, “What’s a Tupperware party, Dad?”

I’ve always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.

“Well, son,” I said, “at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other.”

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter.

“Come on, Dad,” he said. “What is it really?”

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: “This fellow doesn’t look like a peasant, and if he isn’t a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district.”

“On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I’m the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait – just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don’t need special permission to go there.”

“But why would he be going to Samvet? He’s probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there and there are just two of them – the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.”

“But why is he going? The Steinbergs have no sons and three daughters, so maybe he’s their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah’s husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I’m not mistaken.”

“But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.”

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, “How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?”

“Very well, thank you, sir” answered the startled passenger. “But how is it that you know my name?”

“Oh,” replied the scholar, “it was obvious”.

VIRUS ALERT!


TO: ALL USERS
SUBJECT: VIRUS ALERT!
There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propagated through the email system.  If you get an email message with the subject: “VIRUS ALERT!” do not open the mail message.  If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.


VERY IMPORTANT:  If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaid dfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj  asdfsdg  dluog av da agj asdfajpg as dflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae  vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adf as dg 0vbwe  ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

And you can see that going on today.

This is well worth the watch!  Thanks to Chris!  

Part 2, Washington’s second dream…also from Chris!

And Chris is also sending us some Puns and one-liners…

“Dad, guess what? I’ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who’s been married for 30 years.”Father: “Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you’ll get a speaking part.”

Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. When she noticed me, we went for a run.

I heard an interesting show about how to plant peas. It was a podcast.

My husband and I have agreed to never go to bed angry with each other. So far, we’ve been up for three days.

My new stair lift is driving me up the wall!

I couldn’t keep my eyes off the woman at the construction site. She was riveting. 

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

I paid way too much for what I thought were real alligator shoes – it turned out they were Crocs.

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

Just got a new job as a church bell ringer. It’s my first day so they’re just showing me the ropes.

I just heard they won’t be making rulers any longer.

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

The restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous…So many of my first dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Fun Fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import.

Went to the ballet last night and all those women dancing were on their tiptoes – it made me wonder why they didn’t just find taller women.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ WOMANS VIEW

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I’ve been here for hours; I can’t stop to rest.
This room’s a disaster, just look at this mess!


Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I’ve got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.


There’s a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I’ve had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.


He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles “The eggnog is ready!”
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says “What’s taking so long, aren’t you through in here yet ??”


As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE!!”


Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it’s the pies!! They’re burned all to hell
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I’d rather be dead.


Lord, don’t get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn’t work, I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

Right now in Spain, it’s the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots.

It was an extremely hot day and the sergeant in charge of bayonet drill at an Army base was trying hard to get his listless men to attack the stuffed dummies with more energy. 

Finally he halted the drill and said: “Listen, men, those dummies are your enemy. They have burned your houses and killed your parents. They carried away your sisters, stole all your money and drank all of the whiskey in the house.” 

The sergeant then stepped back and motioned the recruits forward toward the row of dummies. The line surged ahead with new purpose. 

The men with grim looks on their faces showed eagerness to attack.

One recruit, his eyes stern and his lips, drawn back over his teeth in a snarl, paused to ask: 

“Sergeant, which one drank the whiskey?” 

Two chefs in Boston who were competing for the title of “Finest Fish Fryer.” 

Their talents were about equal, their dishes equally excellent.

However, at the last moment one of the chefs glazed his entry and won the title. 

“Alas!” lamented the other, “There but for the glaze of cod go I!” 

Never try to outwit a woman unless you are one. 

Anon

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. 

Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: 

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.” 

And with that we’re going to call it an issue and push it out on Saturday!  For an extra special weekend for you guys!  My present to you.  May you all be blessed with joy and happiness until we meet again!