Only two more episodes before Christmas.  There is no way that I can get all my Christmas pictures and memes in before than.  Looking at my folders, I have used 399 so far (or passed them by) and that was in the last 5 issues.  Which averages out to about 80 per issue.

I have 436 left in my folder.

That means I have to put in almost 3 times in the last two issues what I normally put in.  That would be no other pictures at all….and that’s no fun.

Or, which is more likely, and since I’m taking some time off starting this Thursday, I throw a couple of extra episodes in between now and Christmas, if I can find the time, and I use them that way.  I think we’re going to need to try to go that way, because it seems like everyone knows I have “use or lose” leave for the first time in my life and they are trying to either keep me from using it by overwhelming me with work before I go … or just outright kill me.

What’s “use or lose” leave?  Just what it sounds like.  You are only allowed to carry over 240 hours of regular leave from one pay year to the next.  Your leave accumulates until you reach that magic number.  Now you can go over that, you just can’t carry more than that to the next year.  So on the last day of the pay year, which this year I think is like Jan 11 (extra late this year) however much leave you have over 240 hours disappears.

Nobody wants to lose their regular leave.  But your supervisor can claim that he/she can’t do without you and deny your leave.  He better have a darn good reason.

Now sick leave, there is no cap on that.  You can accumulate as much of that as you want because when you leave, they don’t really have to pay you for that. (There is some fancy formula for retirement, but I’m not sure what it is…moot point for this conversation).

I have never, ever, in my 34 years of government service, had “use or lose” leave at the end of the year.  And I’ve got over 40 hours.  Over a weeks worth.  Between that and the two holidays and my additional award leave … Long story short, I’m taking from Thursday … today for you guys until January 2nd off.  This will be one of the longest breaks I’ve ever had.  And I will go into the new year with almost exactly 240 hours of leave on the books.  Which means if I don’t use ANY leave at all this year (EXTREMELY unlikely … but a dragon can dream) at the end of the year I’ll have 448 hours of leave and have to take 208 hours!  That’s 26 days of vacation which, with weekends and holidays and such, I could probably take most of November and all of December off!!!!

Nah!

It’ll never happen.

So, instead of dreaming of something so silly, let’s get on with this episode, shall we?  I hope you guys have been enjoying these extra large issues…they sure have been wearing this dragon OUT!!!!

Yeah, there are a LOT of theories on the drone situation that’s going on right now.  All I can say is that I don’t know anything definitive.  They aren’t breaking any laws that I have heard of, they are staying in the free airspace that regular light aircraft are allowed to use (which just goes to show you that we need to update our laws) and no, we can’t shoot them down.  They are the size of SUVs not the little store bought ones you might be thinking of.  If they get shot down, the down will be somewhere.  And people tend to live somewhere.  It’s also tough to shoot something down that can move like a drone can move without hitting what’s BEHIND the drone.  Now, why they haven’t been followed, or if they have, why we haven’t heard about it, well … that’s a completely DIFFERENT story about our government, now isn’t it?

I have to say, this dragon agrees.

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. 

Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” 

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with, “I think I’d throw up!”

Actually, that’s not an uncommon response.  Especially with kids.

The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. 

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn’t considered the drive across town. 

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.” 

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, man,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby. 

“When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn’t lose any of them. Now,” she added, looking around at her brood of nine, “I dress them alike so we won’t pick up any that don’t belong to us.”

And because most of them are sorely under paid for the crap they put up with.

See, I feel like this has been run already, but I’m not really sure because there are just SO MANY!

Yeah, I don’t know…

Nah, I think most will get that one!

Visit those in prison (jail)

South Dakota Law 

If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them.

There really wasn’t anything mysterious about it, just nobody was going to push Mrs. Frank for an alibi. 

I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. 

“Who died?” he asked a nearby local. 

“I’m not sure,” replied the local, ” but I think it’s the one in the coffin.”

If you’ve got OCD, that door alone will ruin your day, every single time you see it!

Joe says … They tried:

 

Two geeks are sitting on a beach on a warm summer day watching a water skiier when suddenly the skiier falls and is under the water for quite some time.

“Hey we have to get that guy out before he drowns” one of them says. So the geeks both jump in the water and start frantically searching. Finally they find a limp body and swim it to shore.

“This guy has swallowed water. We have to give him CPR”. So one of the geeks starts giving him CPR. After a couple of minutes he looks up to the second geek and says “wow, this guy has bad breath! I can’t continue this.”

So the other geek says “well get out of the way then. I can’t let him die.” So the second geek starts CPR. A couple of minutes later he also stops and says “you are right, he sure does have bad breath”.

The first geek says “something is funny here. Wasn’t the guy that we were watching water skiing”? “Ya” responds the other geek, “so how come this guy is wearing ice skates?”

10 Things Men Know

1. Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

2. Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.

3. Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

4. Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

5. Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

6. Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

7. Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

8. Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

9. Men know that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

10. Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

And THESE puns and one-liners are from Chris…

I took my 8 year old daughter to the office on “Take Your Kids to Work Day”, but when we walked in the office she started crying. As several concerned co-workers gather around, I asked her what was wrong and she said: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

So I said to the doctor: “I think these pills you gave me are the wrong ones.” The doctor peered over his glasses and asked: “Why do you think that?” “Because I keep veering to the left and then veering to the right!” “Oh” he says…”they’re just side effects.”

A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6. I told him kindergarten.

Having a history degree is useless. There is no future in it.

During their long-term relationship, the pirates girlfriend loved him, wooden leg and all. Then one day she suddenly broke it off.

 I’ve got an interview tomorrow for a job as an underwater diver. I hope I’m successful, but I’m not holding my breath.

To the person who invented infinity: “Thanks for everything.”

I went to a shoe store this morning and asked to see a pair of loafers. The salesperson brought out the general manager and their accountant.

I don’t mean to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out.

 Told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me on Tuesday.

You have $400. Your daughter texts she needs $200 and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left? Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.

Some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology. They bug me in ways I can’t put into words.

 When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house warming party. Now I’m homeless.

 Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

I was arrested at the airport while I was greeting my cousin. All that I said was “Hi Jack!”

13 Famous Cases Where Someone Promptly Destroyed Their Whole Life With One Wrong Decision

Wild Phil Hershorn, the roughest, toughest, meanest Jewish cowboy in the old west, rides his horse Shlomo into a mining town, tethers his horse and goes into a saloon.

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he is done with his drinks, he pays the bartender and walks out to find that his horse Shlomo and all his gear is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the saloon, pulls his two guns from their holsters and shoots both guns in the air.

“Which ever one of you goniffs stole my horse better have it back by the time I finish my next drink, otherwise I am going to have to do what I did in Texas after somebody stole my horse. And trust me, I don’t ever want to do that again”.

He walks back to the bar, gets another drink, and slowly drinks it.

The people in the bar start murmuring, talking amongst themselves and looking at Wild Phil with fear in their eyes.They knew not to underestimate the word of a Texan. What could he have done in Texas?

Wild Phil finishes his drink, walks out and finds his horse and gear are back where he first left them. He starts to get up on his horse to ride away when the bartender runs out after him.

The bartender says “Mister, we are sorry for what happened. But please tell me what happened in Texas after somebody stole your horse?”

Wild Phil looks at him and says, “I had to walk home.”

Our dear nursie friend brings up a very good point about the drones in New Jersey …

They say they are not a concern, who would start an attack in NJ??? HG Wells 1898 War of the Worlds…Lake Hurst NJ…

but I guess the only aliens invasion there is from boarder…

That is SO COOL!  I want to do this!!

The young doctor was taking his wife out one evening, when a pretty girl smiled and spoke to him. 

The wife scenting an earlier love affair, inquired: “Who is the lady, dear?” 

“Oh, just a girl I have met professionally.” 

“No doubt,” meowed the wife, “but whose profession? Yours or hers?”

And in all that time … in ALL THAT TIME AND LONGER … it has gone up 0.05% to a TOTAL of  0.2% from 0.15%.  Which allows them to claim a 33% increase.  Sure it is.  I can make numbers do whatever I want them to do, also.  But the total carbon is still LESS THAN one-quarter of one percent of the total atmospheric gases!!!!!  It’s a CREATED PROBLEM!!!!!  I’m so tired of this crap.  One good volcano puts more carbon in the air than we have since the industrial revolution.

As a passenger ship passed a small island, a bearded man could be seen shouting and furiously waving his arms. 

“Who is that?” a passenger asked the captain. 

“I have no idea,” the captain replied, “But every year when we pass he goes nuts.”

“Mummy, tomorrow I have an oral exam. One question the teacher will ask me is “who made you?” What shall I say?” asked Little Johnny. 

“Say God made you.” replied his mother. 

The next day, when the question came up, poor Little Johnny forgot what his mother had said, so he explained, “Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my father who made me. 

But then mother said it was someone else – and I can’t remember the guy’s name.”

At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne. A lovely 25 year old. 

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and the expected “knock” on the door. 

Sure enough, the knock comes; the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for “action.” They “unite as one.” All goes well; Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. 

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Morris. Again, he is ready for “action.” Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Lou Anne consents to more “conjugal bliss.” When the love-birds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old. ready for more passion. 

Once again, they enjoy one another. But as Morris prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him: “I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris.” 

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: “You mean I was here already?”

And there is not a single solitary veteran who just watched that who is at all surprised.

And that my dear friends, brings us to the close of another episode of your favorite ezine.  Until next we meet again, may you be blessed with love, happiness, comfort, strength, good health, and plenty of Christmas joy!