Welcome to the next Christmas issue!  I hope you liked the format for the last issue.  I did the math and there is no way, doing it the way that I did last issue that I will ever get through all the Christmas stuff that I have.  So, I’m going to put even MORE stuff in this issue and then MORE in the next and … but don’t worry, there will be the regular funny stuff in there as well.  Because I know that all us get sick and tired of Christmas after a while.

I mean, I love this time of year as much as the next chap, but …. come on!  At some point in time, “Bah! Humbug!” has to jump in there somewhere, am I right?

I know there are some of you out there who are saying no, but there are some of you out there who are already sick and tired of it.  I’m not really sure where I am right now.  I’m not a big fan of any holiday simply because I tired of being lonely.  But, that’s my problem.

So, let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?

That’s funny!  Why is it funny?  Isn’t it true that anyone who is a good Christian nowadays is considered a crazy religious fanatic and if you say that it’s wrong to have an abortion or same sex marriage than you are bigoted or anti LGB-whatever?  Exactly.  That’s what they are saying.  Charles Spurgeon’s quote is right on the money.  So, Impish, why is that funny to you?  Because, dear reader, Charles Spurgeon died on January 31, 1892.  Almost 133 years ago.  Evil doesn’t change my friends. 

This next clip is WAY COOL … at least I thought it was.

Wow!  Just … wow!

Okay, this one is from our dear Stephanie.  It is pretty good, make sure you turn on the sound.  Click HERE.

Okay, so it’s a little dated, but it’s still funny.

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Secola Antonio, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. 

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Secola was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation became priests. 

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Secola was just a cut above Timothy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of bishop, archbishop and finally cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would either be one of the two who would become the next pope. 

In time the pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. 

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected pope! 

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy’s gifts, Secola knew he was the better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy?” 

After a long silence, an old cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. 

“We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ” Pope Secola.” 

A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent. The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to let the shop on the left.

The owner says, “Fine, what kind of shop do you have?” The guy says, “A menswear shop.” The owner tells him he gets free signage, and asks what he wants on the sign. “Menswear,” says the man.

A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop. When asked he says he wants “Menswear” on his sign. The owner tells him that the lefthand shop will be the same. “No problem,” says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to let the middle shop. The owner is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign.

The guy replies: “Entrance.”

Late one Friday nightthe policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. 

“Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. 

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.” 

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me???!!!”

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. 

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. 

This is wonderful!!!!

Two cars were waiting at a traffic light. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at at the man to move. The man doesn’t move.

The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash. The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man.

The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red.

The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection. As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman tells her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening. After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects.

He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

Then I noticed the: “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper ticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So, naturally . .
. . . . I assumed you had stolen the car.”

Only in the south… three wise men come from a far.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers. 

– Dave Barry. (1947 – )

Really like Dave Barry.  I didn’t realize that he was that old.

Three very pious Jews dressed in long black coats with long beards were  playing  golf.

A guy named Mulvaney wanted to play golf and this  was the only  threesome  in which he could play. So, he joins the Rabbis and plays 18 holes.

At the end of the 18 holes, his score was 104. The Rabbis had shot 69, 70 and 72. So, he says to the Rabbis, “How come you guys shoot such good golf?”

The head Rabbi says, “When you lead a religious life, and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded.”

Mulvaney, a true lover of golf, thinks: “What have I got to lose?”

He converts to Judaism, joins a synagogue near his home, attends services  regularly and leads a holy life.

About a year later, he again plays golf with the three Rabbis.

He shoots  a 104 and they shoot a 69, 70 and 71.

He says to them, “OK, I converted, I  joined a  Synagogue, I observe the Torah and I still shoot a 104. What’s the deal?”

“What synagogue did you join?” asks the head Rabbi.

“Beth Shalom” is Mulvaney’s reply.

The Rabbi retorted: “Schmuck, that one is for tennis!”

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tour guide while walking in the jungle, “Are we safe here? Aren’t there cannibals roaming these woods?”   

The guide says, “You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa.”   

The tourist says, “But it’s possible there may be some cannibals?”   

The guide says, “No, rest assured. We ate the last one on Monday.” 

Two blonde gals went together to play the slot machines at the casino.  Each agreed that when her allotted money was gone, she would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for the other.

Connie quickly lost all her money and went to sit on the bench.  She waited and waited.  After what seemed an eternity, she finally saw Lori coming toward her, carrying this huge sack of coins.

“Hey, Connie,” said Lori, “how’d you do?”

“Not very good,” came the reply.  “I’ve been waiting here for hours.”

Lori said, “You should have been with me…did I ever find a good machine!  It’s way in the back.  Come!  I’ll show it to you…you can’t lose!  Ever time you put a dollar in, you win four quarters!”

A man was recently stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota.

The fellow, carrying two buckets of fish, was leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish? If you don’t, I’m going to have to impound them as evidence.”

The man replied to the game warden, “No, sir. These are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?!” the warden replied.

“Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take ’em home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, “Here, I’ll show you. It really works.”

“O.K. I’ve GOT to see this!.” The game warden was curious now. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, “Well?”

“Well, What?” the man responded.

“When are you going to call them back?” The game warden prompted.

“Call who back?” The man asked.

“The FISH.”

“What fish?” The man asked . . .

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle.

One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. 

Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog.

The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy,

“Have you seen my Titswiggle?”

Then the boy said,

“No, but can that be my reward?”

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.

Jerry asks, “What is wrong with you, Tom?”

“Please don’t ask.”

“I am your childhood friend. Talk to me.”

“My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant.”

“That’s not possible.”

“No, he did.”

“How’s that possible?” 

“He punctured my condoms!”

In the early 60’s an American reporter going around pre-war Vietnam was surprised to see a peasant riding a donkey while his wife, loaded down with bundles, trudged several yards behind. Shocked at this lack of chivalry, the American approached the Vietnamese and asked, “Aren’t you ashamed to ride this donkey while your poor wife walks behind carrying all those goods?” 

“Tradition!” said the Vietnamese, holding up an admonitory finger; “Tradition!” 

Came the Vietnam war, and the reporter was back again as a war correspondent of his New York newspaper. 

Walking along a village road one evening he came across the same peasant he had met a few years earlier. While the man was still riding his donkey, this time his wife walked several yards in front. 

“I thought tradition demanded that your wife should be walking behind you,” said the American. “Why the change?”

And the Vietnamese replied with a shrug, “Land mines!” 

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.” 

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.” 

“Ah, ha!” the second cannibal replies. “No wonder … those are friars!” 

Two bachelors were talking. One said to the other, “I got a cookbook the other day, but I can’t do any of the recipes.”

“Why? Are they too difficult?” asked the second. 

“No,” the first replied. “It’s just that they all start with the same thing: ‘Take a clean dish…'” 

And that makes perfect sense.

It’s worth watching this next one to the end for the final fact!

So many won’t get that one.

An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia’s most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course. 

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, “Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?” 

“Oh, yes, indeed,” said Auntie, beaming. “Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,” she added, as she held out her hands, “I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they’re all about.”

One day, two blonde men were enjoying a strong drink in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian’s head under his arm. 

The barman shakes his hand and says, “I hate Indians, last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children.” 

He then says, “If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I’ll give him one thousand dollars.” 

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. 

They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. 

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two blondes made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. 

Suddenly, Jeff said, “Dave, take a look at this.” 

Dave replied, “Not now, I’m busy.” 

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, “I really think you should look at this.” 

Dave said, “Look, you can see I’m busy. There’s a thousand dollars in my hand.” 

But Jeff was adamant. “Please, Dave, take a look at this.”

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, “Oh my God, we’re going to be millionaires!” 

That’s it my friends.  I have to dash.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.